Sadly, No!

Warning: By our standards, this post is actually pretty serious. Consider yourself warned.

Well, the most observant among you, our dear and esteemed readers, have likely noticed a couple of new people have been contributing to Sadly, No! of late. Brad R. started messing with the place when we left for CeBIT, and Gavin M. (no relation to Pete M.) made his first post on Friday.

If the emails we’ve received so far are any indication, you believe they are both fine people with small penises who need all the AbsorbShun they can get their hands on. And S,N! is well known in the field of blogging for being a good source of penis enhancing material. So the marriage is, in effect, a great one. Brad and Gavin will help us offer something that was, until now, impossible: instead of one man offering sub par material on a semi-regular basis, you will now have 3 men offering sub par material on a totally regular basis. How much would you pay for this service? If you answered nothing you’re in luck because that’s how much we’re asking you to pay (and how much we’re paying Brad and Gavin.)

Why didn’t we look for women to provide some balance? Well, it’s true what they say about funny women: the good one is taken. The ones that are free tend to be funny in that unintentional sort of way that probably isn’t right for Sadly, No! at this time. (Besides, Susan Estrich won’t return our calls.)

We won’t be going away (sadly!) although what we said a few days ago is true: with the scheduled birth of our first child in June, chances are our time will be somewhat limited. We didn’t want to say anything about it until now to postpone the unavoidable parade of “So, have you caught the guy who did it?” Now that you do know however: send in the clowns.

In addition to new writers, we’ll also be tweaking the design of the site and will (at last) bring back the style switcher feature so that those who prefer dark-on-light no longer have to suffer from our fondness for light-on-dark. The redesign will also incorporate the first ever S,N! logo, because having someone do that for us proved to be a great deal easier than writing new and witty material for the site. Take it as a “sorry we’re not funny anymore” token apology.

Well, that’s it from us. Flame on!

Striking the bottom of the barrel and breaking straight through, we dig furiously downward, through crystal caverns inhabited by Morlocks, tunneling past the skeletal remains of a pith-helmeted 1887 National Geographic expedition, shoveling ever-deeper past vast hangars of saucer craft with swastikas painted on the sides — until finally, in dim, Abyssal silence with only 20-foot-tall luminescent fungi to guide our way, we happen across Cody and Chad Janicek. An exciting find!

Cody and Chad are wingnut Wonder Twins, a Mary-Kate and Ashley team of pretty much the lowest level before you bust through to that icy lacuna at the center of the earth where Satan broods, chewing eternally on Judas and the latest dead pope.

Cody and Chad run ‘America’s Conservative Corner,’ JanicekOnline.
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Why, Ed?

For a moment it seemed as though we?d caught Edwin J. Feulner, Ph.D., president of the Heritage Foundation, in a private moment — perhaps staring into a morning gin and tonic as the balances and debits of his life whirled in a middle-age remorse-spiral toward the one question:

Why?

But no.

…is Townhall.com separating from Heritage?

?That’s a question I’ve been asked often lately,? Fulner says, brightening. ?From opponents to allies, left to right, enquiring minds want to know.?

And true enough, so in a spirit of collegial inquiry (not to mention enquiry) we bring you Ed Fuelner?s April 1st. Townhall column, completely unedited and without comment of any nature.

On the other hand, no we won’t.
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Living in Germany, one can see lots of reminders, big and small, of the things Nazis did. Some might argue the concentration camps and their millions of victims stand out. Others might argue that starting a war that saw tens of millions lose their lives was no great feat either.

If you ask Kerry L. Marsala however, she’ll tell you that the worse thing the Nazis ever did was their slightly less well-known scheme of causing potassium imbalances in unsuspecting victims, leading them to suffer a heart attack which in turn caused brain damage due to lack of oxygen, only so they can later be given percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy (PEG) to provide nutrition and hydration and kept on life support machines for 15 years in a permanent vegetative state, after which the PEG tube is removed according to your wishes (as determined in court proceedings:)

As an innocent life slips away through methods used by those of Nazi Germany, the spinning heads of the media circus continue to flap their lips over the case of Terri Schiavo…and nothing within this mess makes any sense.

Kerry to the rescue! Her punctuation may never make sense, but the arguments are always sound:

Parents who love their children today in the United States have had all their rights stripped from them by a system gone mad.

Fortunately, we don’t have children. And we can promise you that when we do (June 18, 2005) we are going to hate them with a vengeance! Which means our rights are safe — thank God the system works!

I shutter to think of what our future holds, now more than ever.

Leave it to the shuttering classes to be our leading beacons of nabobs of negativism. Sons of bitches!

Terri, Mr. and Mrs. Schindler and family, you’ve moved the masses to action. Terri, you never intended to become such an important figure to the American people, nor to the world, but you’ve left your mark on this planet.

Kerry, the people of the world, they’re not crying with you, they’re crying at you.

(UPDATE!!! We got video!!)

Via Drudge, we learn that Ann Coulter’s still getting heckled at her university lectures:

Above: Ann threatens to crush liberals with her genetically-engineered bionic man hands.

Ann Coulter causes stir at KU Heckling, standing ovations interrupt right-wing commentator

By Mike Belt, Journal-World

Conservative columnist and author Ann Coulter was greeted with a mixture of standing ovations and heckling after she took center stage Tuesday night at Kansas University’s Lied Center.

Ann Coulter talking at the Lied Center… if that ain’t poetic justice, I don’t know what is…

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Mr. Smith acknowledges me in his latest column (emphasis added):

From the land of fake boobs and real a**holes, leftists should just follow the MTV polls and change the constitution so that Ozzy can finally be recognized as their true leader.

As you no doubt remember, I advocated making Ozzy a party leader just the other week.

The cat-and-mouse game can only continue for so long, “Mr. Smith…” I WILL discover your secret identity, one way or another…

I’ve always enjoyed life, but reading Dennis Prager’s latest column makes me want to send $20 to NARAL so I can get their complimentary "Culture of Death" tote bag:

Choose life: The case for Judeo-Christian values: IX

Dennis Prager

There are good people on both sides of the Terri Schiavo tragedy, but chances are that if you affirm Judeo-Christian values, you have opposed pulling the feeding tubes from the severely brain damaged woman’s body.

Why?

Because Dennis and his New Christian Overlords are right about everything, including creation science, while the rest of us deluded secularists are obsessed with death and sodomy (and we’re going to hell to boot!).

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Well, no one’s admitted to being “Mr. Smith” yet. I was going to let it drop, but this week he published a column even stupider than his last effort. I think the bastard’s toying with me, trying to make me go mad guessing his secret identity.

Let’s survey this week’s damage:

See, most wingnuts yearn for the innocent days of the 1950s, when everyone spent their Saturdays bowling, vegetarians were regularly jailed, and the clitoral orgasm was an unseemly art practiced only by pagans and communists.

Not Mr. Smith. He yearns for the ’60s- the 1860s…
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I said I wasn’t going to blog about Terri Schiavo, but that was before Kaye Grogan wrote THE definitive column on the whole sad saga. Let’s take a look:

So I guess we should just keep everybody on life support for as long as we can, regardless of their condition or wishes, because pulling the plug would be “playing God,” which is something the Founding Fathers never intended. Of course, when the Founding Fathers were alive, people in Terri Schiavo’s condition would have been left for dead anyway, so maybe keeping Terri alive is “playing God” too. We should repeal the last 225 years of medical advances just to be sure.
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I think we’ve found Stanton Carlisle’s heir apparent, and his name is “Mr. Smith.”

Here are some highlights from his latest piece:

Psycho Ward Churchill Would Be Proud

Mr. Smith

Brace yourselves for the national socialist Democrat disinformation campaign that will inevitably follow the school murders in Minnesota. And check the facts. Indian reservations vote overwhelmingly for Democrats. Ask Tom Daschle. And Nazi is just an abbreviation for National Socialism, the doctrine of the leftist Democrat party…

Democrats prefer that their victims be defenseless. After all, if Juanita Broddrick had shot a rapist in Arkansas, history might have been changed. And if Vince Foster had actually owned that firearm found by his body, he might be alive today…

If no voting machines were placed on this Chippewa reservation, you’d hear lots of screaming about how having the right to vote was a vacuous promise to people who were denied the means to vote. Democrats don’t come right out and deny Americans the right to self defense, but they sure are hell bent on denying us all the means to defend ourselves…

Now: I’ve seen plenty of wingnuts rant about gun control. I’ve seen them make weirdly nasty remarks about Native Americans. I’ve seen them rave about Vince Foster being “murdered.” I’ve even seen them equate Democrats with Nazism.

But I’ll be darned if I’ve ever seen all four of those things in the same goddamn article.

This is just too wingnutty to be real. Come on, guys, game over: which one of you is “Mr. Smith?” I’ve already grilled Seb about it and he swears it isn’t him (not that Seb would ever submit loony columns to The Rant under a pseudonym or anything).

I know it has to be one of you guys. The Rant gets half of its traffic from Sadly, No! and World O’ Crap anyway. So fess up! Which one of you is Mr. Smith? Yosef, I’m looking at you…