Sadly, No!

Talk about inducing life-long trauma.

(Via New Donkey)

As predicted, Monday’s Senate judicial filibuster compromise has produced an avalanche of hilarious wingnuttery. Let’s check out the highlights.

(Also, be sure to check out Vespa’s report on Michael Reagan.)
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While I’m normally loathe to give creationists any money, I’ve decided to organize a field trip to visit the Creation Museum when it opens. Here’s why:

If dinosaurs could talk…

by Michael Matthews, Creation Museum scriptwriter

If only dinosaurs could speak.

Yes, if only- then they could cast off the chains of specio-centric oppression!

We all know how mammal-supremacist movies like Jurassic Park perpetuate the stereotype of dinosaurs as lumbering, unthinking monsters who spend their time attacking children and/or Jeff Goldblum. But did you know that the very name “dinosaur” is Ancient Greek for “terrible lizard?” No wonder dinosaurs feel they can’t get a fair shake in this day and age- we’ve been calling them “terrible” for years! Just because they have brains the size of walnuts doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings, you insensitive mammal assholes!

OK, sorry, I got carried away there. Let’s get back to Michael’s article:
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Jim Rutz, the man who claims that God has been raising people from the dead, has a new column out today.

Rutz thinks God has gone on a virtual resurrection spree because very poor people living in very poor countries claim God brought them back from the dead. Seriously, that’s it. That’s all the evidence he needs:
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I’m going to bed now, but I can sleep soundly with the knowledge that today’s filibuster deal will give me ample wingnuttery to mock all week.

ARingMD2B has a round-up of Freeper reactions over at Kos. Just trust me, they’re really funny.

And to tide you over ’til tomorrow, here’s Pastor Swank:

This is an evening of weakness to a Republican presence that should have been exceptionally strong. That is so particularly when dealing with such a nonsense issue as the filibuster. If it had even been a more crucial measure; but the filibuster? Yes, the filibuster waste still has an edge in the esteemed United States Senate.

I’m wasn’t feeling too inspired today, so I decided to comb Pastor Swank’s archives for one of his “I Believe in Miracles” columns.

If you’re unfamiliar with the Pastor’s “Miracles” series, I’ll recap the highlights for you:

–“The Jacket”: Pastor Swank steals a coat from his church’s goodwill store. He gets into trouble when he makes a missionary visit to a local jail and the guards find a dimebag in the jacket pocket. Pastor Swank gets banned from the jail, but he considers it “a miracle” that he wasn’t arrested for drug possession.

-“The Suitcase” (this one is mysteriously absent from the archives, but I swear I’m not making it up): Pastor Swank adopts of a member of the Crips, and becomes convinced that the young man is out to “do him in.” The kid winds up in jail, but it’s a “miracle” that he never tried to kill Pastor Swank.

–“Faith Survived”: Demons infest Pastor Swank’s church and convince his parishioners that he is “of the devil.” Pastor Swank eventually gets kicked out of his parish, but the story has a happy ending, since the people who conspired against him wind up dead.

Now that you’re all caught up, here’s the Pastor’s latest miracle: “Carolyn!”
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After reading S.Z.’s preview of Ben Shapiro’s latest book (called The Porn Generation), I’ve decided that we need to get Ben deflowered- FAST. Let’s face it, anyone who writes about sex that much without actually having any is gonna end up killing somebody.

I decided to comb through the ever-classy Boston Phoenix Adult Personal ads, figuring that I could hook Ben up with a local gal since we both go to grad school in the same city. (Of course, it might be tough tracking him down, ’cause I don’t think he actually lives in Boston or Cambridge, and his parents probably have a private helicopter fly him from Wellesley to Harvard every day…)

Click below the fold to read the five finalists and vote on the best one in the comments!!
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CNN writes:

Violent animal rights extremists and eco-terrorists now pose one of the most serious terrorism threats to the nation, top federal law enforcement officials say. …

“Just like al Qaeda or any other terrorist movement, ELF and ALF cannot accomplish their goals without money, membership and the media,” the Republican senator [James Inhofe] from Oklahoma said. [Emphasis added.]

The media. Because if it weren’t for CNN and MSNBC, 9-11 would have never happened. Better keep an eye out on the People’s Front of Judea too, just to be safe.

You just knew she’d come through:

The “feeble” attempt by Newsweek Magazine to retract the extensively damaging article where the Koran Bible was (supposedly) flushed down a toilet by American prison guards, is like trying to pour spilled ink back into the bottle.

Or in Kaye’s case, rubber cement- why bottle it up when you can huff, HUFF, HUFF!!!
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So I decided to nerd out last night and watch The Empire Strikes Back (I needed a Star Wars fix and I didn’t feel like putting on my Jawa suit and waiting in line for five hours).

But while I was watching, I noticed that Yoda’s syntax is eerily similar to Pastor Swank’s.

Yoda to Pastor Swank: “Incomprehensible I find you.”

Just for kicks, let’s hear what Yoda and Pastor Swank have to say about:

1.) “The Dark Side”

Yoda: “Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.”

Pastor Swank: “Allah is Lucifer. The Koran is demented revelation from demons. Mosques are meeting places for demonic preaching and activity. Clerics are agents from The Pit.”
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