Sadly, No!

I’m a pretty big football fan, but I literally cringe whenever some wide receiver gives God credit for having him score a winning touchdown. Let’s be honest- if God won’t intervene to stop, say, a tsunami from killing hundreds of thousands of people, He’s not going to intervene in a freaking football game. And as much as I’d like to think God is a Patriots fan (and that Tom Brady is His second begotten son), I’m just not buyin’ it- The Big Guy really does have more important things to do, like sending the Virign Mary to appear in cheese sandwiches.

But as ridiculous as some NFL stars are, none of them can compete with Ms. Jennifer Hilde, a young Christian woman who tells Brio Magazine (a.k.a., Focus on the Family’s answer to Seventeen) that God has intervened to help her win beauty pageants. Make sure you’ve got a pack of aspirin and a tall glass of water nearby, because this one’s a doozy:
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Not that we totally dig Rotten.com. There are only so many pictures of dead people and bizarre sex acts you can see before it’s like, okay, we’ve been exploring the darker side of the human experience for years now — the Georges Bataille twisties of the mind and psyche — but have we learned anything yet?

But as blechy as Rotten.com sometimes is, the US media is often just as bad in the other direction. And what happened tonight? This did.

(Pretty much work-safe, by the way.)
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Because I’m a patriotic guy, I’ve decided to help President Bush reinvigorate flagging public support for the war in Iraq, and the war on terror in general. I contacted some of the greatest military minds of our time, including Norman Schwarzkopf, Anthony Zinni and Wesley Clark, and asked them for their thoughts on the best way to combat terrorism… but unfortunately, none of them replied, so I had to make do with the columnists at The Rant.

Our first esteemed strategist is Scott Gray, who gives the president advice on fixing our detention facility at Guantanamo Bay:

While the strongest interrogation techniques should be used on terrorists, they should never be tortured or killed without some semblance of due process.

Brilliant! And since our only standard for prisoner treatment is that they shouldn’t be tortured without “some semblance of due process,” we should turn Camp X-Ray into one big reality show: Tortured by America! Just think: every week, Gitmo detainees put on a talent and variety show that includes singing, dancing, and a swimsuit competition. After the prisoners have strutted their stuff, the American public votes on which ones go free… and which ones get beaten and sodomized with glow sticks! I’ve already thought of a catchy slogan: “Unlike Survivor, our contestants are glad to be voted off this island!”
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Bush reschedules long-deferred trip to Vietnam.
(via the All-Spin Zone)

Mr. Stealing-Stuff-From-Us Poorman is almost back in business again after our wave of evil kittens blew up his site.

Warning: We have more.

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This is why I love WorldNetDaily:

Now that the presidential fund-raiser is over, hard-core porn star Mary Carey doesn’t mind the public knowing about one of her secret desires ? having sex with the twin daughters of the president.

Mary Carey is awesome. Read the whole thing, as they say.

Paul Johnson, last featured on this website here, writes:

Jacques Chirac reacted by appointing as prime minister Dominque [sic] de Villepin, a frivolous playboy who has never been elected to anything and is best known for his view that Napoleon should have won the Battle of Waterloo and continued to rule Europe.

When you’re busing writing uninformed polemic, you don’t even know what you’re shooting at anymore. de Villepin is known for a few other things as well:

After a stint as foreign minister at the Quai d’Orsay, Mr de Villepin was appointed interior minister in March 2004 and tackled radical Islam head-on.

His crackdown on militancy has included tighter security controls and making it a requirement for the country’s imams to take courses on the language, laws and customs of France.

“We need a strong policy to combat radical Islam,” he said in December 2004.

“It is used as a breeding-ground for terrorism. We cannot afford not to watch them very closely.”

Yeah, that sounds just like the kind of guy conservatives hate.

Johnson, secure in the knowledge that, unlike Senator Durbin, he won’t be called on preposterous comparisons, adds:
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[fortified with the usual updates]

Alas and huzzah, the world’s premier aquarium blog, World of Carp, is picking on us again.

And this after our epic argument on protein skimmers and nitrate levels last month! Well, S.Z., we’ve hooked the Darr column for reel, and boy, is it crappie. He flounders from the first line. Darr’s really made anemone of us this time.

Darr: Would you let your child go fishing alone with a known child molester?

Shadly, No!
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It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for another wacky column from Jim Rutz, WorldNetDaily’s resident expert on people being raised from the dead. This week, Jim writes about a Guatemalan town that was cursed by demons until it converted to Christianity:

City transformation on a scale not seen before

First, let me wave my tiny set of conservative credentials: I stand somewhere between Joan of Arc and Wyatt Earp, I support any conspiracy theory that can be explained in basic English with a straight face, and I will enter any contest in which first prize is dinner with Ann Coulter.

In other words, Jim sees himself as a schizophrenic French girl who lives in the Wild West, believes in UFO’s, and gets turned on by women with large Adam’s apples.

Sadly, that sounds pretty accurate.
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Cynthia Janak’s got a very special new column up at Renew America. Let’s dig right in (thanks to Gavin for the tip btw):

Gays are not gays!

Cynthia A. Janak

Okay people I have had it with all this gay bashing. These people are not gay they are homosexuals, plain and simple. Let me give everyone a lesson in the definition of these two terms.

“Oh Jesus!” you say. “She’s not going to prove her point by quoting the goddamn dictionary, is she?”

Well, yes she is. But there’s a twist- apparently, Cynthia will only quote dictionaries published before the end of World War II:

I am going to use a dictionary that was published in the 1942. I don’t care what the terms mean today. I am looking at the historical value behind the terms.

Yes, after World War II, dictionaries were taken over by sodomy-enabling secularists who tried to make America accept homosexuality by hijacking some of our most cherished words, including “gay,” “flamer,” and “all-night anal sex party.”

And say, while we’re appreciating the “historical value” of words, let’s recall the definition of “oats” as written by Samuel Johnson in his 1755 dictionary: “a grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people.”

So you can see how the modern secularist dictionary has ruined what used to be a great insult against those filthy Scotish people. Is nothing sacred?
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