Sadly, No!

Hello, tens of thousands of Atrios and Crooks & Liars readers. Welcome back, and we’re very glad you’re here.

From IMAO, the conservative site that’s supposed to be funny:

You Attack One IMAO Blogger, You Attack Us All!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:51 PM | TrackBack (0)

[Summary of opening paragraph: Who’s this ‘Sadly, No?’ They made fun of us. Wha?]

Still, a humor contest does seem like the thing to prove that we conservatives are funnier. I can see it now: three humor pieces. One making fun of an issue from the conservative side, the other from the liberal side, and then a humor piece that’s of a non-political topic. A panel made up of half liberals and half conservatives (and one moderate for tie breakers) picks a winner in each category without knowing the author. Best two out of three wins.

Know what? We have more traffic than these mean, nasty liberal people which means we’re funnier. Case closed.

Um, not so fast, pal.

Welcome once again, multitudes of Atrios and Crooks & Liars readers. We’ve put out bowls of popcorn, please be careful of the rugs.

Oh, and this guy challenged us to a duel. We’re not going to let him get out of it that easily, right?

Kirk Cameron has a terrific new column posted at the Christian Worldview Network. Most of you probably remember Kirk as the lovable Mike Seaver on TV’s Growing Pains, but he’s recently become a fire-breathing Evangelical nutcase who has used his fame and influence to produce the world’s first Christian reality show, called The Way of the Master.

“I used to be a heartthrob, but now my heart throbs for Jeeeeee-zus-ah!”
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“Old media” outlets like the New York Times and the Washington Post must quake in their boots every time the hungry young reporters at WorldNetDaily scoop them with hard-hitting investigative pieces like this:

9/11 panel hammered for ignoring Atta intel

Staff dismissed info about ID’ing of hijackers, ex-Bill Clinton aide Jamie Gorelick fingered

“Holy cow!” you say. “And WorldNetDaily is a highly-regarded news organization! They’d never publish such explosive allegations without first consulting high-level intelligence officials with extensive knowledge about the commission’s report, right?”

Well, let’s take a look at their lede (emphasis mine):
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Look, all you ‘funny conservatives,’ you can Yar! and Yo-ho! and flourish your cutlasses and pistols all you like, but if we press this button here, it activates the satellite lasers. A’ight?

(Sigh.)

The top ‘funny conservative blog’ IMAO goes after Mithras for saying that conservatives aren’t funny:

The New York Nationals attempting to halt the multigame winning streak of rivals the Harlem Globetrotters

Meanwhile, here’s TBogg.

We’d say that great minds think alike, but of course we wouldn’t say that, because it’s a dull cliche — and not least because of the glory that is TBogg, and the moldy ungreatness of IMAO’s stuff, like this stack of wet, buggy plywood:
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The management of World O’Crap (or as we call her, Roger L. Simon’s schoolteacher,) quotes an article in the Ohio Free Press which reads:

Christian insult comedian Brad Stine

Not to be confused, of course, with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. One is a funny, irreverent, in your face comedian (who is sweeping the nation.) The other is Brad Stine:

I think it’s wonderful that people care about animals. What bothers me is people that think animals and humans are equals. That’s a problem! They’ll actually say they are equal and deserve rights. First off you can’t give a right to an animal. Why? ‘Cause a right is a philosophical concept based on the fact that you know you exist and know you can die! Animals aren’t afraid to die they’re afraid of getting chased! [laughter] It’s instinct! [Transcribed from the Animal Activists “bit.”]

Well, looks like we’ve found the real life Kenny Banya:

I just stopped by to thank you. That risk management stuff you wrote for me? It’s killer!

As for Brad Spine, if we follow his comedy teachings it’s ok to kill babies (of the unborn and newborn variety) and goofy bastards. Then again, that might just be us showing our liberal deaf ear to comedy. (Link via alicublog.)

PS: Conservative Humor. We’ll explain later.

…how could we forget to include the unique comedy stylings of Pastor Joseph Grant Swank?

In honor of witty conservatives everywhere, here’s a quick recap of Swanky funnies over the last week.

Column #1: “ATLANTA: BLACKS DIG HOLE DEEPER VS. BUSH”

Moral blacks ? that is, those who are Judeo-Christian ethically based ? have the Republican party and Mr. Bush in particular to thank for the state of this nation at present. Mr. Bush represents the defense of womb babies, embryonic human life, biblical definitions of masculinity, femininity…

I bet Kark Rove is kicking himself for not thinking of that slogan: “Vote for George W. Bush- he represents the Biblical definition of femininity and the defense of womb babies.”
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Mithras and Atrios and so forth have been asking that musical question, “Where are all the funny conservatives?”

Conservativehumor.net: First Site to Destroy Liberals’ 99 Percent Control of Political Humor

Not a groaner in the bunch. But perhaps the key insight here is amber-trapped in the phrase, ‘It’s funny because it’s true.’ The tradition of teh funny as a way of yanking hidden truths into view (and vice versa) goes back at least to classical Greece (Lysistrata, for instance, is still hilarious), while the conservative equivalent of ‘funny’ is, and has nearly always been, dependent on blar-harring. Its distilled nectar is almost pure variants on, “If you’re so smart, why aren’t you rich?” and, “I boldly sneeze on thoughtfulness and amity.”

Am I joking? Voici:

L-R: Laugh-riot Glenn Reynolds, Mrs. Reynolds, the side-splitting Michelle Malkin, Drew Curtis (apolitical, genuinely funny), and Bill “The Joke Man” Whittle.

It’s not exactly the lowest form of humor: The school of “Hey, what’s up with those airline peanuts?” is several rungs lower. (The pun is in fact among humor’s higher forms, ranking near slapstick and people running around with huge comedy whangers boinging out of their pants. Again, the Greeks set the rules circa 400BC, and little has been discovered since.)
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I think if someone’s flag gets wet, you’re supposed to do this:

A wise man once wrote, “There’s dumb (D.) There’s fucktard dumb (FD.) And then there’s clueless fucktard dumb (CFD.)”

Well, my friend Kristin found a letter printed in her local paper that defies all such categories. Only a Frankenlinguist sewn together with the corpses of Shakespeare, Noah Webster and James Joyce could come up with a word to adequately describe the stupidity of this letter. Seriously, if you suffered permanent brain damage after taking 35 anvils to the face while playing Wile E. Coyote’s stunt double in a live-action Roadrunner movie, not even then could you hope to write a letter this idiotic. The only way you could approximate something so gloriously retarded would be to hire a gang of mercenary leprechauns to saw open your skull, douse your brain with Liquid Drano, and scramble it with a KitchenAid 300-Watt Ultra-Power Electric Mixer.

What I’m trying to say is, this letter isn’t very good:
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James Dobson’s Focus on the Family has posted this delightful series of articles on how to instill your children with the proper “gender identification.” The first piece is called “Is my child becoming a homosexual?” and it basically says that if your child exhibits “gender confusion,” there’s a good chance that he’ll turn into a fruit:

Evidences of gender confusion or doubt in boys ages 5 to 11 may include:

1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.

So if your son is different from other boys, he’s well on his way to becoming a homosexual. Make sure to stamp out his individuality at all costs, and discourage him from developing any original thoughts or ideas.
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