Sadly, No!

I think we took a substantial financial hit when we switched from the old demi-mondesque, psychologically complex black color scheme to the current smilingly white and pastel blue one. We might all be paupers before it’s fixed!

And yet, who can put a price on laughter? Link stolen from The Eds, in a startling reversal of life’s natural order.

[Update: Indeed, according to Blogshares, S,N! stock has fallen since the emergency changeover to the white color scheme. But what’s this!?

There’s been a takeover! A majority of S,N! stock is now owned by…an evangelical Christian blog?

I’d just like to know why there can’t be a single day around here that isn’t fraught with some kind of B-movie plot device. That’s all I want to know.]

Does anyone know why we’re being flooded with neo-Nazis today? They’re all coming here.

Naturally, we invited them up for a tea party. If any white supremacists come stormtrooping through, just don’t hurt ’em too bad, ok? It can be really hard to keep trolls around here when you guys keep smashing them into strawberry jam….

Bradrocket adds:

Or as Wesley Willis said, “Kiiiiill Whiiiite-eeeeeeey!! Kiiiiill Whiiiite-eeeeeeey!! Kiiiiill Whiiiite-eeeeeeey!!”

Gavin adds:

War-riors — come out and play-ay… Come here, little pookies! Nazi, nazi, in-come-free!

Hey Brad, they’re all bunched up down there. Why is it suddenly hard to start a fight with 2,000 Nazis?

In the good old days of SPY Magazine, its editors often checked the math underlying rather preposterous claims, such as Ollie North’s one-time boast that he had paid for a pick-up truck using mostly change accumulated over several years. (Or maybe that was just a dream?)

In any case, we were reminded of this dream today by the following from… Oliver North:

Traveling around America — as I have been these past two weeks on a national book tour for my new novel, “The Assassins” — has been great therapy. It got me away from Washington, D.C. I got to travel the length and breadth of the country in red states and blue states. I’ve met and talked and listened to tens of thousands of people from every walk of life.

Let’s say that by “two weeks” Ollie means 14 days. And that “tens of thousands of people” means 20,000. 14 days gives Ollie 336 hours to meet, talk and listen to 20,000 people: 59 per hour. Yet Ollie needs sleep and/or rest. Let us be generous and subtract 8 hours per day, leaving only 224 hours. This translates to 89 people per hour. Which means that in the last 2 weeks, Ollie North has spent 16 hours a day each and every of those 14 days meeting, talking and listening to 89 people per hour, giving him an average of 40.4 seconds per encounter.

Now that is impressive. Maybe he should try to get into the Guinness Book of Records. We just need to figure out the right category.

With October 31st just around the corner, religious crazies from all o’er the land are doing their best to remind us that Halloween isn’t just about candy and funny costumes; it’s about Satanism and human sacrifice too. WorldNetDaily reports on their latest efforts:

Church’s anti-Halloween flier upsets family
Files police complaint: ‘I have every right to decorate my home’

An Indiana family upset by an anti-Halloween church flier filed a complaint with police.

Dalene Gully of Ellettsville told Indianapolis television station WRTV-TV she was offended by the flier placed outside her home by the House of Prayer Church of Bloomington.

Here’s a picture of the flier, via Channel 6 News in Indianapolis:

So yeah, I can see why this lady’s a tad bit upset at these wingnuts for implying that she’s a Satan-worshipper. But wait! There’s more!
Read the rest of this entry »

Reader Bob just sent us a brilliantly photoshopped DeLay mugshot. Check it out here. (And yeah, the fact that his website is called “Smegmaster” is kinda disturbing, but still…)

It’s the most…won-der-ful time…of the year!

Well, we sure hope so. And we’re prepared! This spiffy, high-res Fitzmas (or Fitznukkah) card image is downloadable, printable, and e-card sendable! And it has no Sadlyno.com watermark, so you can reproduce it with super-gleeful sharingness! Print on cardstock for an instant postcard! Send one saying, “BWAHAHA! PWZ3R3D!!!1!!1!!!’ to your dittohead cousin!

Because, the holidays are right around the corner for all of us boys and girls who have been really, really good this year. We’ve been good, haven’t we? Woo, let’s keep our fingers crossed.

Bait bust bun binute bere…

[‘thoop!’ sound]

There was a big, purple letter ‘B’ in my computer!

“Well, that certainly explains that!”

Indeed it does, Grover. Ho ho. Well. It looks like we’re back to normal here. Ahem.

Our pal Auguste at Malkin(s)watch sent this great logo days ago, but I wasn’t rable ro rut rit rup runtil…

Rodrammit! Row rhat’s rappening?

I’ve decided to create a new regular feature here at Sadly, No! called the XTREME Wingnut Preach-Off! Here’s how it works: I’m gonna post two articles by the wingnuttiest pastors I can find and have them duke it out for the title of Heavyweight Champion of God-Related Crackpot Activities (or something like that). This week, we’re going to pit a hungry young (sic) challenger against the reigning champ of wingnut preaching, Pastor Swank.

OK, let’s get started! In this corner… coming all the way from North Carolina… the challenger, the Reverend Mark H. Creech!

Natural disasters: When nations neglect God’s business for their own

Rev. Mark H. Creech
October 19, 2005

A two-foot snowfall in Los Angeles ? a severe drought this summer in the Midwest that dropped water levels in the Missouri River to their lowest on record ? a heat wave of temperatures of over 110 degrees that in one week killed more than 20 people in Arizona ? hurricanes in Florida, Carolina, and of course, the monster of all storms, Hurricane Katrina, which essentially washed away the city of New Orleans. All, says Ross Gelbspan of the Boston Globe, are the results of human-induced global warming. According to Gelbspan, it’s not just America, but places around the world like Scandinavia, Spain, Portugal, and India that are feeling the heat of catastrophic environmental changes.

Pfffft, that’s just crazy talk. The bad weather is an obvious sign of God’s displeasure with Massachusetts for legalizing homo nups.

It’s hard to believe what’s been occurring of late is simply “very much natural.” The succession and intensity of these events have rightly caused people to sense something isn’t right in the earth, and scientific data alone can’t explain it.

I agree. Clearly science has no place explaining how the natural world works.
Read the rest of this entry »

Ladies and gentlemen, we have achieved mugshot!!!

To again demonstrate why today’s Republicans are the party of moral values, I bring you this article from Jim Kouri of MichNews.com:

Terrorist Whines Over Being Tortured
By Jim Kouri, CPP

An alleged member of Al-Qaeda, charged with plotting to kill President George W. Bush, claims Saudi Arabian interrogators used torture techniques, including chaining, beating and whipping, to make him talk.

Ahmed Abu Ali, an American citizen, said he was beaten and whipped shortly after being detained in Medina, Saudi Arabia during his first days of a 20 month captivity.

Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! What a whiny asshole! Christ, he makes it sound like they tortured him or something…