Posted on January 24th, 2006 by Gavin M.
It’s time to catch up with our favorite law-enforcement quitter and right-wing Baptist radio demagogue, Chuck Baldwin, and once again ask that musical question, what’s Upchuck? what’s up, Chuck?
“It’s about values, guys. Traditional American values. The values that…
Ok, fair enough. Chuck Baldwin was also the ’04 vice-presidential candidate for the Constitution Party — the party for folks who think George Bush is too liberal. They actually have some good positions, for instance on the Patriot Act, but that old stopped clock on the wall also says that it’s noon, and seven hours ago indeed it was, so let’s get going. No wait, let’s fix the picture first — let’s put Chuck in the Tokyo Gay and Lesbian Parade.
Once upon a time in America
Chuck Baldwin
January 17, 2006
The America that our children are growing up in today in no way resembles the America our Founding Fathers bequeathed to their posterity. The America of our ancestors had no IRS, no ACLU, no NEA, and no BATFE.
And we know what happened then:
LBJ took the IRT
Down to 4th Street USA
When he got there
What did he see?
The youth of America on LSD
(© 1967 Rado, Ragni)
But yes, certainly, the Founding Fathers had no PSP, no DSL, no TCP/IP, no OS-X. What else? No GOP, FWIW (ROFLOL)!
Ha ha! Oh lordy. Yes, someone’s still overcoming the ’60s, when everthing went FUBAR. Aah! OMG, it’s a UFO!
“Woo-woo-woo. That POS should STFU! Beep, znoggle.”
But let’s not have too much fun here; we’re losing the narrative.
In our fathers’ America, children could pray aloud and read the Bible in school. Divorce rates were practically unknown as was child abuse.
By definition, yes, because children were chattel and women were, you know, not exactly full citizens. And of course, nowadays, if children try to pray aloud, the ACLU hears them and comes screaming down with subpoenas — what a terrible world we’ve wrought. It’s H-E-double-toothpicks, a real SNAFU.
In America of yesteryear, it didn’t cost billions of dollars to educate our children, and when they graduated from grammar school, they had a better education than most high school graduates (and even some college graduates) today. Then again, that was during a time when teachers enjoyed parents’ support in maintaining discipline in the classroom. Imagine that.
And that shows that the less money we spend on education, and the fewer years we allow our children to attend school, the better everything will be in the 21st Century. This is true inasmuch as children with a grammar-school education will grow up to reason like Chuck Baldwin.
While we’re playing word games, how about the one that goes, “Chuck, Chuck bo-buck, banana-fana-fo-[something], fee-fi-mo-muck — the brain drain…
In our once great America, virginity and chastity were popular virtues, and one could live to old age and never be exposed to the abominations of homosexuality and adultery.
And they had no STDs, and weren’t down with OPP.
There was a time in this great country when, except for a few certain morally corrupt large cities, the most egregious gamblers hung out in bingo parlors, and anyone who even whispered his or her support for state-sponsored gambling would be run out of town on a rail.
And while we’re touring Makingthings-Upville (pop. 450), there’s a poker game at Potter’s Feed and Grain this Saturday night — come on down if the wife lets you.
Once upon a time in this great land, it only took a father’s paycheck to comfortably support his family. This was primarily due to the fact that local, state, and federal taxes were not stealing nearly half of his income. Beyond that, when he bought a piece of property, no one could take it away-not even the government. After all, he was not then required to pay squatter’s rent (property taxes) in order to keep something he had already paid for.
Because also, they were giving land away for free. And…oh no. Brad, help! This is too much concentrated Stupid to deal with all at once…
There was also a time in the once noble America when physicians actually made personal visits to the homes of their patients. You see, doctors then truly went into their profession for the purpose of helping people and not to get rich.
Furthermore, at one time in our once wonderful country, Sunday was universally regarded as “The Lord’s Day,” and one would look long and hard to find even a dime store (remember those?) open.
Aaah! Correct for constant-dollars, subtract Jews, extrapolate frame of reference (Colonial hamlets — 1930s Jimmy-Stewart dime stores?!?)…aaah! Centuries spinning like a Dr. Who time-tunnel…
I even remember when Americans were free to order firearms from the Sears and Roebuck or J.C. Penny catalog.
In the 1780s? Aaaah!
Then again, I well recall that as a boy I could leave home on my bicycle (with instructions to be back at a certain time) and never entertain the first thought that I was in any danger.
In the 1960s. Wait.
I also remember going to the Saturday matinee unsupervised (it was unnecessary) and never hearing God’s name taken in vain or any other profane speech, for that matter. There was no rating system then, of course, because virtually every movie was suitable for the entire family.
Furthermore, some of us can even remember when farmers were free to plant whatever crops they chose and in whatever quantities they chose. And they did not have to “give the farm away” in order to purchase the needed equipment, either.
Oh God, it gets worse from here. Help, Brad! My Head A-Splode!
