Sadly, No!

George Will to Time Magazine: “Cazzlesprazzle frackinmackin bloggers!”

The best part:

There are, however, essentially no reins on the Web — few means of control and direction. That is good, but vitiates the idea that the Web’s chaos of entertainment, solipsism and occasional intellectual seriousness and civic engagement is anything like a polity (a “digital democracy”). Time’s bow to the amateurs who are, it strangely suggests, no longer obscure, and in the same game that Time is in, is refuted by a glance — which is all an adult will want — at YouTube’s most popular videos.

Above: “George ain’t gonna get you a diamond ring…”

So apprently, The Ole Perfesser decided to launch his own version of the Iraq Study Group the other week by asking all the cranks, loons and bloodthirsty reprobates who read his site to post their own plans for stabilizing Iraq. Their ideas have been predictably hilarious (“Bottom line: “Regime change. More of it.”), even prompting the usually polite Kevin Drum to label them “batshit insane.”

Above: Glenn Reynolds’ roundtable of experts.

The best plan submitted by far has been this 20,000-word masterwork written by an up-and-coming right-wing blogger who calls himself “A Jacksonian.” He basically proposes that we stabilize Iraq by forcing Egypt to invade Syria, and then roll into Saudi Arabia to conquer Mecca. A lot of people have made fun of this piece in passing, but I don’t think that gives it the proper attention it deserves. No, I’m about to go in-depth on this sucker, because I’m the only person in Left Blogistan with the sheer BALLS to do it.

Above: My balls. They’re brass. And they’re big.

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Here’s a fun game, gang! Below are several hilarious name changes invented by the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiller for people he doesn’t like. Mixed in are some lame ones of our own creation.

Your job is to 1) guess who the names refer to, and 2) guess which ones are the Rottweiller’s and which are ours.

Have at it!

1. Tom Dasshole
2. Dhimmi Cartard (founder of the Hijabtat for Dhimmanity)
3. Balack Uncletomma
4. Sandy Pantsburglar
5. Ahmadinnerjacket
6. Stephen Colbarelyfunny
7. al-Burp Whinestein
8. (up)Chuck Schumer
9. Rosie O’Donut
10. Mutt-catarrh al-Sad-ass
11. Mock-human al-Blindadei
12. Koughing Anus
13. Nancy “Skin� Peelosi
14. Vomitessa Redgraverobber
15. Salvadead al-Ended
16. Huge-O Chafe-ez
17. James “Halabja� Baker the Turd
18. Kaiser Willie von Slickmeister
19. Chuckie Rankle
20. Refarto Montalbanned
21. Jack “Abscam� Murthafucker
22. “Poop� Warner
23. Moohazmat Gone-di
24. Faglin Smellyho Notsosvelte, Gimpmander-in-Chief
25. Dick Turban

Gavin adds: Idiot Aryan Snotweiler. Heh heh. John-Lottweiler.

Shorter Victor Davis Hanson:
Why Radical Islam — And Why Now?

• The International Jewish Muslim Conspiracy will be crushed under the merciless iron boot of Germany’s America’s indomitable will-to-triumph, as is evidenced by our moral victory over Bolshevism the Nazis.

Above: Blood & Irony, a.k.a., “Let’s face it, you just don’t
get a book-buying crowd at the Ã?satrú meetups.”

Bonus (non-Shorter) comment from old-school royalist Mark Noonan, at Ye Blogges yt. Are Of Greate Loyaltie To Busshe: “All good stuff…I’d also add a bit about how Judeo-Christianity is central to western civilization.”

We remark in passing that the ‘Judeo’ part is added comme il faut by a man whose professed ideal of conservatism is a literal return to the ‘Christian Civilization’ of the 13th Century.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

Shorter Fred Barnes:
‘We’re Going to Win’: The president finally has a plan for victory.

• The President has been made aware of the existence of a new American Enterprise Institute plan whose title includes the word ‘victory.’

Bonus Shorter Barnes:

• A new Iraq plan, devised by Robert “More Troops” Kagan’s underachieving brother, Frederick “Even-More-Troopy McMoretroops” Kagan, a.k.a., FredMoreTroopsErick “Sir Troopsalot of the More Troops” Moretroops-Kagan, of the Super-Troopity Kagan-Moretroopsowitzes of Greater Ultra-Moretroopsenstein, is difficult briefly to summarize.

Extra Update Bonus-Shorter Barnes (circa late afternoon):

• We neocons have been hearing that the President is going to choose escalation, so we hustled a ‘plan’ together to take credit for it. W00T! Suck it, McCain.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

Shorter Iain Murray:
Scientific Backlash against Global Warming Alarmism?

• If there’s one thing I hate, it’s the politicization of science. For further thoughts from me on this, please see my science blog at the Scaife-funded Competitive Enterprise Institute.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

I’m gonna pop-pop Santa Claus with my water pistol gun (squirt-squirt). And then I’ll take his bags of toys and run, and bring to all the kids who don’t have none.

Shorter Michael Medved: It is truly a conservative triumph that the most popular song these days on college campuses is “I Wanna Be Rich.”

Shorter Michael McBride: Don’t claim you’ve served in the military if you haven’t served in the military.

Shorter Cal Thomas: Political reformers are, by nature, blasphemous.

Shorter Rich Galen: Things sure have changed in the past 60 years.

Shorter Ryan Kruger and Mike Catalano: ATMs fees are a much bigger problem than payday lenders, because we don’t use those.

Shorter Austin Bay: Consider donating a few dollars to buy phone cards for military personnel, and tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.

Shorter Jacob Sullum: As a libertarian, I’m not afraid to mix it up a little in the war on Christmas.

Shorter John Stossel: The biggest single threat to our civil liberties is the ban on trans fat. Habeas delicious!

Shorter Walter E. Williams: Religious profiling isn’t nearly as bad as, say, terrorism.

Shorter Ben Shapiro: You’re so vain, you probably thought Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” issue was about you.

Shorter Kathleen Parker: Hillary says she wouldn’t have voted for the Iraq War if she’d known then what she knows now – but I’ll bet she wouldn’t say that if we were winning.

Shorter Michelle Malkin: It’s just one manufactured outrage after another with Muslims.

Shorter Terence Jeffrey: As a very political year approaches an end, and a new presidential election cycle looms, it’s a good time for conservatives to step back from partisan politics and reflect on our partisan principles.

Shorter Jonah Goldberg: Time’s editors should have braved the inevitable conservative backlash and named Mahmoud Ahmadinejad “Person of the Year.”

Shorter Linda Chavez: if we put in the right number and correct types of troops we might stand a chance of finding the pony.

Shorter Pat Buchanan: We simply don’t have the troop strength to defend our empire.

Shorter Brent Bozell III: You’ll never believe what the hippies said on the news this year.

Shorter Tony Blankley: Voters need less information, not more.

Rich Lowry, the very perpetrator of the National Review’s infamous ‘We’re Winning1!!’ cover story, has felt the chill in the weather, Iraqwise, and decided that it’s time to stop parading around in his straw Jimmy Buffett hat and tiki shirt, sipping rum cocktails from a mug shaped like Jack Murtha’s skull:

When the Media’s Right
By Rich Lowry

[…]

Most of the pessimistic warnings from the mainstream media have turned out to be right — that the initial invasion would be the easy part, that seeming turning points (the capture of Saddam, the elections, the killing of Zarqawi) were illusory, that the country was dissolving into a civil war.

Partly because he felt it necessary to counteract the pessimism of the media, President Bush accentuated the positive for far too long. Bush allowed himself to be cornered by his media critics. They wanted him to admit mistakes, so for the longest time, he would admit none. They wanted him to fire Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, so for too long he kept him on. They wanted him to abandon “stay the course,� so he stuck to it. In so doing, he eroded his own credibility and delayed making the major strategic readjustment he needed to try to check the downward slide in Iraq.

Fortunately, Mark Noonan got up extra-early this morning, springing out of bed in a blind rage of optimism and good cheer.

Shorter Noonan Post I:

The disloyal media cannot understand that it is President Bush’s duty to exaggerate his chance of success in Iraq — and that it is our duty as Americans not to undermine him.

Shorter Directly Sequential Noonan Post II:

Hey! According to this government source, we’re totally winning in Iraq. Not that you’d hear the real truth from the disloyal media.

Above: Mark Noonan’s mind

The question is: Can he top this effort for sheer gaping hee-haw illogic? It seems impossible each new time, but Mark is the Kobayashi of the WingNet: In a clutch, he always manages to find room for one more hot dog.

Above: Ace, Dan Riehl, Confederate Yankee find their métier

TBogg got out of the gate first with this one, curse him. I’ll wait here while you read his glorious thing.

[fadeout of Pat Metheny album track, recorded ‘please stay on the line’ message, leisurely drumming of fingers, opening cadence of Al Jarreau track]

Right. There’s one thing in particular that I’ve been meaning to say about the Jamil Hussein affair, and I’d like to tack it onto TBogg’s somewhat eerie citation of Mark Fenster — eerie because we’ll sometimes cavalierly hike small ideas from each other, as is the way with such things, but in this case we came up with the same large idea independently, and in very similar terms.

This is from Richard Hofstadter’s original Paranoid Style essay, from Harper’s Magazine in 1964. Substitute your terms of choice for ‘Goldwater movement’ and for the other historical actors and conflicts that Hofstadter names, and watch the picture that emerges:

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Above: It’s beginning to seem a lot like Swanksmas!

JESUS IS CHRISTMAS
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.
MichNews.com
Dec 19, 2006

No wonder Jesus said of himself, “I am the light of the world” (John 8:12). Without Him, all else is darkness.

One Sunday evening, while seated in church listening to the choir’s rendition of a lovely Christmas cantata, I noticed one of the sopranos in the front row. This young lady spent most of the time trying to adjust the wick on an artificial candle that evidently wasn’t connected with the battery and therefore wouldn’t light.

She twisted and turned that tiny stub, then stroked it in hopes that a gentler touch would be more persuasive.

We seem to have stumbled upon the Pastor Swank version of the Red Shoe Diaries.

I thought that in time she would give up, simply cup her hand over the tip of the candle, and pretend that all was well, but she never did. To the very end of the concert she kept poking at that little white stick.

“Oh sir,” she said, “If you hold this small, white candle upright, I will steady it in this soft, pink donut.” “A sweet morsel indeed,” I remarked in regard to the pastry, and eagerly complied, entering thereto into a pas de deux requiring energetic adjustments of the depth and fit of the divers objects.

The ignition of the diminutive and pallid taper was further encouraged by virtue of the diligent lass’s coral-tipped bubbies.

As I left the building I felt sorry for the young lady. She was there the entire evening, had sung in the choir, but had missed the wonder of Christmas. She had not seen Jesus. All she had noticed was a defective flashlight.

Right, like it was her fault she didn’t ‘see Jesus.’ And just man-to-man here, if I found myself with a ‘defective flashlight,’ I’d probably see about ‘charging the batteries’ before going around all like, gee, I feel sorry for the young lady.

I mean.