Sadly, No!

Debbie Schlussel:

Above: The Costco Coulter

Terrorism Investigation: Fumes Released at Spokane Mall

Who released noxious fumes into a Spokane, Washington mall in January, injuring at least 36 people?

Um…

Okay, maybe not him, but we suddenly got an idea for a little contest, based on the old Tootsie Pop ads, which basically goes like this: How many sentences will it take for Debs to get to the Muslim at the center of this incident? Let’s ask Ms. Debbie!

Who released noxious fumes into a Spokane, Washington mall in January, injuring at least 36 people?

(One!)

That’s what authorities are investigating.

(Ta-whoooo!)

But I’m sure the FBI Joint Terrorism Task Force–which is looking into it–will tell us there’s no reason to think it’s terrorism (even though internally, they believe that it is).

(Three!)

Right–maybe someone just farts more powerfully than the rest of us.

(Four!)

Sending poisonous chemicals through the HVAC systems of a shopping mall has been a plot point in both FOX’s “24” and Showtime’s “Sleeper Cell,” among other shows focusing on…

[CRUNNNNCH!]

…Islamic terrorism in America.

Oh. My. How many sentences does it take to get to the Muslim at the center of every crime committed in America?

“The world may never know.”

Gavin adds: I’ve never made it without biting.

At last, the immovable force meets an irresistible object — or however you might like to phrase it.

Rumors that Cheney plans to resign and to have Fred Thompson appointed as VP (i.e., as heir-apparent to the Presidential nomination) are, believe it or not, more than just some silly joke we’re making up.

Once again, speculation about a remarkable tragedy confirms everything that everybody has been saying all along about whatever hot-button socio-political issues interest them. This time, the slaying of a pregnant Ohio woman by her married boyfriend reminds Michael Medved that the wage of out-of-wedlock pregnancies is death:

Above: A Club Medved vacation: the antidote to civilization

[T]his horrifying story conveys some significant messages and should help to refocus attention on the nation’s most significant and menacing social problem: the unchecked epidemic and unquestioning acceptance of out of wedlock birth […]

Numerous commentators worry over the future of [her] devastated little boy but fail to make the obvious observation about his pre-murder situation: that it’s a shame whenever any child is left alone with an unmarried mother in an obviously dysfunctional situation.

So Medved, you’ve diagnosed the problem, but where’s your solution?

We’ve become so reluctant to issue “judgmental” comments that we refuse to discuss the way this case highlights the individual tragedies and gigantic social cost when one-third of all new babies in America are born to unmarried women.

More yelling at people? That’s your solution? I’ll admit I wasn’t expecting anything especially innovative, but. . .Oh, pardon me. Yes, I’ll let you finish.

Rather than normalizing situations like that of Jessie Davis (who hoped to raise two children with no chance of marrying their father) as just another “family option” or “lifestyle choice,” we need to re-establish healthy norms – advancing the undeniable premise that most children will benefit from growing up in a stable, two parent, two gender household.

Ahem. This is still just yelling at people.

Rather than removing the stigma against unwed motherhood, and encouraging single moms to keep and raise their babies, society should do everything possible to urge single, pregnant girls to give their babies the ultimate gift of love by arranging their adoption into loving, functional, two parent homes.

Since you never say anything about your readers volunteering to adopt any babies, I’ll hazard some guesses as to what you mean by ‘urge’: Plenty of yelling? Scarlet letters? Homes for unwed mothers? Stonings? Commissioning a remake of the 1968 Supremes hit, ‘Love Child?’ I’ll bet Beyoncé could tear that shit up. Amy Winehouse? Hm, an unorthodox choice, Medved, but I like your thinking. Who should we get to do ‘Papa Don’t Preach?’ Ha-ha, I kid, Michael, I kid.

No one would argue that government should seize control of babies to remove them forcibly from their unwed mothers (except in the most dangerous and irresponsible circumstances). But by the same token, the authorities should do nothing to validate single parent households or to make it easier for unmarried women to keep their babies.

Indeed, no one would argue such a repulsive, Draconian scheme. But what if they argued that the Government, vis-a-vis certain economic policies and child custody law, should offer negative incentives to unmarried women which would encourage them to turn over their bastard progeny to government-sanctioned families lest they suffer unending shame and abject misery?

It’d be like Diff’rent Strokes, except Willis and Arnold’s mom wouldn’t be dead.

Above: A very special episode of ‘See? This Only Proves
My Point: The Jessie Davis Story.’

Wingnuts: Old and gas-sy white prudes,
Come aboard, join their Muslim-hating spew…
Wingnuts: Humanity’s ref-use,
Flush them away; they float back up to you!

It’s Wi-iingnuts! It’s Wi-ingnuts! It’s Wi-iiingnuts!
It’s Wi-ingnut Bo-oat!

  
National Review Mexican cruise (l-r): Still at dock, Jonah considers whom to eat in case of shipwreck; ¡Viva la Cohiba Cubana!*; the Montana Spite Caucus in digestive repose.

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Uh-oh! Cliff Schecter is engaging in *scary music* LOOKISM!!!!!

This “Woman” Wants John Edwards “Killed”

I use the term “woman” loosely, as I would with anyone with an Adam’s Apple the size of Mount Olympus.

But hey, it’s good to see her getting more network appearances. I sure do love our liberal media!

You know why so many of us use “lookism” to attack wingnuts, peeps? Because it’s funny.

Every time Emperor Misha mentions me by name, I blush like a giggling schoolgirl. I remember, long ago, I tried and tried to get his attention. I roared with laughter when he said that John Edwards’ kid was lucky he was dead so he didn’t have to grow up with a ‘mo for a father — and he ignored me. I let out a cheer when he dropped the hugely original bon mot that it’s not rap music, it’s CRAP music! — and he said nothing.

Above: tear-stained yearbook photo

But then, one day, it happened. After years of passing him notes in study hall and writing “MR L P + E M 1 TLA” on the back of my unicorn Trapper Keeper, he finally blew me a kiss. Oh, sure, he played it smooth — he called me “some lefty Idiotarian that I hadn’t heard of before now” to be cool in front of his friends — but he finally noticed me. Before I could emerge from my swoon, I was being surrounded on all sides by people accusing me of being insufficiently grateful for Misha’s fine work defending Denmark against the Reds. It was like being French-kissed by a thousand Corey Feldmans.

Well, dear Sadly, No!* diary, I don’t want to jinx it, but…I think he might want to go steady.

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Above: Dennis Prager is a radio show host, contributing columnist for Townhall.com, and author of 4 books, including Happiness Is a Serious Problem: A Human Nature Repair Manual

‘The Rape of a Name Is Also Rape’

• Accusing a man of a rape you cannot prove is just as bad, if not worse, than actually being raped.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

Yes, I’m plugging Jon Swift again. No, there’s nothing you can do about it except click the link and read.

Shorter Richard Cohen

• Sure, the Republicans have completely ruined everything over the past seven years, but their penises are still larger than the Democrats’, and they’ll keep winning forever unless the Dems nominate Joe “Hung Like a Sperm Whale” Lieberman for president.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

Dan Riehl:

Crime In The Heart-“Sick” Land

Apparently Fox doesn’t want to acknowledge it as they, in an attempted ratings grab, report the murder of Jessie Davis as the second coming of Laci Peterson meets Natalee Holloway, but is anyone else scratching their head as they click past the coverage wondering, what’s wrong with this picture?

Any murder is tragic; the murder of a pregnant woman is even more so. And nothing should distract from an expedient investigation and prosecution, or fail to appreciate the family’s profound suffering because of this crime. Unfortunately, if this is what constitutes crime in the heartland of America, that heart is very sick and we can only expect more of the same.

Did Danny Boy just say that it is “unfortunate” that the murder of Jessie Davis “constitutes crime”? [Gavin adds: I think he was being like, ‘Apropos the heartland, if this crime can be taken to represent crime in general, then there’s…um, going to be more crime like this.’ I hear a pause here, then “Uh-bow-bow” and a round of “Hey-ruh hibba-bubba shibba-bubba,” at al., as per the 1956 Chips song ‘Rubber Biscuit,’ as notably covered by the Blues Brothers.] Let’s see where he goes with this:

I’ve no desire to insult the victim …

Of course you haven’t, Dan. You want to blame the victim. There’s a difference.

… or her family and no one should. But the sad reality is that Jessie Davis was either the victim of poor self, or impulse control and poor decision-making, perhaps both, long before she became a murder victim. And to suggest that one isn’t in any way related to another only endorses the notion that values don’t matter. They do.

By the same token, to suggest that Dan Riehl’s moral retardation isn’t in any way related to his intensely foul body odor only endorses the notion that showers don’t matter. They do.

And while Ms. Davis certainly isn’t in any way directly responsible for her own death, had she been a bit more responsible with her life, it likely wouldn’t have ended in such a tragic crime.

So she was indirectly responsible for her own murder? Is that the point? Basically, she was “asking for it” … like all those rape victims who wore sexy clothes or danced provocatively or had tits?

And the kicker:

Now, her remaining child and all of the other children linked to this crime are victims of a crime far more significant than any one or two murders. They are victims of a culture where nothing much seems to matter anymore, so long as people are free to act or behave on impulse as they wish, with no regard for the consequences. And all Americans suffer as a result of that tragedy.

I never thought of it that way. Having your mom murdered totally pales in comparison to the horror of living in a free society. And anyway, it’s guys like Dan Riehl who are the true victims here! That little snot-nosed kid whose mom was just murdered ought to quit hogging the sympathy spotlight … Dan need a hug, goddamit!

Update: Emperor Misha shows up to throw some more stones at the dead slut.