Sadly, No!

[ All that.]

For immediate release:

Sadly, No! Blog, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Groupe SEB LLC, Inc., would like to notify our readers of HTML Mencken’s nomination for the 2008 Nobel Prize in Literature.

Mr. Mencken’s novel, If on a winter’s night a wingnut, has been recognized as a “new and fantastic” contribution to the genre, and is, in the words of Nobel Laureate Gabriel Garcia Marquez, “a hyper-novel, or the novel elevated to the square or cube.” It is also a best-seller on three continents.

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[The conclusion, written in August and therefore 100 percent stale. Sorry.]

[Part I, Part II]

“We’re Winning”

“We’re winning” is the biggest reason why Rich Lowry has become a posterchild for Delusional Wingnut Syndrome, not only for the ridiculousness of the sentiment itself, but also for the self-aggrandizing pronoun by which Lowry places himself in parity with the troops doing the actual fighting he’s too chickenshit to sign up for. When George W. Bush decided to invade and occupy Iraq, it inevitably followed that the United States (unless it decided to be overtly genocidal in its imperialism, which it’s fair to say was and is the preference of many on the WingNet) would fail in the endeavor; as Dear Leader himself said, “no one likes to be occupied.” And so the news from Iraq has been a steady series of tragedies and sorrow, death and carnage.

But failure is not something “manly” to admit — especially when all one ultimately cares about is Dear Leader‘s party’s power in domestic politics — and reality is not something that’s “manly” to perceive and acknowledge. So wingnuts like Lowry insist that America is winning, the tide is turning, that the impossible is possible, that the unreal is real, that the doomed immoral imperial war can be won by the power of wishful thinking if only the morality- and reality-based would shut the fuck up and the pinko-commie-fag-girly appeasers would stop trying to stab good Amurkins in the back.

For Lowry, it’s not just that “we have always been at war with Eurasia;” it’s that we’ve always been winning that war:

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Today, in an exciting exchange with a ‘reader,’ Jonah Goldberg offers compelling evidence of a liberal fascist plot to strengthen corporate power. This despite the best efforts of conservative Cassandras like Our Loady of Guadoughlupe to warn labor against the perils of unchecked capitalism.

As seems to be happening with increasing frequency, an unnamed correspondent e-mails Jonah with mixed praise for ‘Liberal Fascism’, all the better for D-Load to later clarify how the criticism reinforces his point.

Let me preface this comment by noting that I have not read your book and therefore may have missed part of your argument. I do, however, disagree with your contention that the left is entirely to blame for statist corporatism. … The corporatism of the left tends to be filtered through the rhetoric of social justice, but this is a difference in emphasis, not policy.

Well, of course the left isn’t entirely to blame for corporatism, D-Load replies:

I pretty much agree entirely. To say that the Democrats have prostituted themselves to corporatism should not in any way be interpreted as me saying that there aren’t plenty of whores in the GOP’s saloon.

How could anybody possibly think he meant anything different when he wrote that ‘big business in Fascist Italy, Nazi Germany, and New Deal America was not right-wing; it was left-wing, and it was fascistic’?????

And while no true Scotsman conservative is for corporate welfare (unlike those socialist CEO-lovers), it was Jonah’s argument from the beginning, don’t you know, that Tom DeLay and Dennis Kucinich are peas in a pod when it comes to funneling prole-generated wealth to big business:

But, I agree that even today, politicians across the political spectrum favor corporatist policies. Would that the GOP was actually the conservative party when it came to, say, agricultural subsidies. Let me just concede the point that both parties have corporatist operational majorities.

And let me just concede the point that, WTF? In Jonah’s world, does any arrangement of consecutively written words ever have even a fleeting time frame in which they can be conclusively understood to mean a specific thing?

Or, My Life in the Ghosts of Bush: a (tentative) schedule of my activities for next week’s big Wingnut Jamberoo:

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7th

11:30 AM: Book signing — Whitewash: What the Media Won’t Tell You About Hillary Clinton But Conservatives Will by Walter Peck impersonator Brent Bozell

12:00 PM: Book signing — Caucus of Corruption: The Truth About the New Democratic Majority by Matt Margolis & Mark Noonan, the dumbest bloggers alive

1:00 PM: Speaker – Mark “The Human” Steyn, introduced by alcoholic Long Island JAP Pamela Geller Oshry

1:30 PM: Panel – “Is the G.O.P. Still Lost?”, featuring Sen. Tom Coburn, Sen. Jim DeMint, Rep. Jeff Flake & Rep. Thad McCotter, moderated by income tax genocidist Richard Viguerie

2:00 PM: Book signing — America Alone: The End of the World as We Know It by ethnic cleansing advocate Mark Steyn

2:30 PM: Book signing — The Prince of Darkness: 50 Years of Reporting in Washington by unindicted co-conspirator Bob NovakJessica Echard & professional virgin Ben Shapiro, moderated by young American for freedom Jason Mattera

4:00 PM: Book signing — Project President: Bad Hair and Botox on the Way to the White House by compulsive masturbator Ben Shapiro

4:30 PM: Speaker – Presidential crazy person Ron Paul, introduced by has-been/weedhead Bob Barr

5:00 PM: Presentation – Reed Irvine “Accuracy in Media” Award

5:30 PM: Book signing — Upstream: The Ascendance of American Conservativism by wingnut welfare dispenser Al Regnery

7:30 PM: Event – Presidential banquet hosted by Ken Blackwell of the Coalition for a Conservative Majority and featuring basic-cable demagogue Joe Scarborough and a keynote speaker yet to be announced

8:00 PM: Screening — Hillary: The Movie

9:30 PM: Screening — Rediscovering God in America featuring God-fearing multiple divorcee Newt Gingrich

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8th

9:30 AM: Panel – “What Do Liberals Have Planned for Your Money?”, featuring Rep. Patrick McHenry, Rep. Adam Putnam, & baby-drowner Grover Norquist, moderated by Wall Street Journal hack John Fund

10:00 AM: Presentation – “Television Training for Conservatives”

11:30 AM: Book signing — The Late Great U.S.A. by apocalyptic goonball Jerome Corsi

12:00 PM: Panel – “Hugo Chavez Democrats: Silencing the Right”, featuring world nut Joseph Farah, web-based dissimulator Andrew Breitbart & human bowel movement David Horowitz, moderated by Regnery shill Marji Ross

1:00 PM: Presentation – “Blogger of the Year” Award & “Conservative Journalism” Award

2:00 PM: Speaker — former Ann Coulter boy-toy Dinesh D’Souza

2:30 PM: Speaker — former Pam Atlas masturbation fantasy John Bolton

3:00 PM: Book signing — Surrender is Not an Option: Defending America at the United Nations and Abroad by walrus mustache John Bolton

4:00 PM: Panel — “Why Blacks Think Conservative But Vote Liberal”, featuring Rev. Leroy Thomas, the only black conservative they could dig up

4:30 PM: Book signing — No Retreat, No Surrender: One American’s Fight, by baksheesh poster boy Tom DeLay

6:00 PM: Event – CLP reception and book signing with life-hating mutant Ann Coulter

7:30 PM: Event – Ronald Reagan banquet with MC Cleta Mitchell and featured bow-tie George Will dispensing the Jeane Kirkpatrick Academic Freedom Award and the Ronald Reagan Award

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9th

9:30 AM: Panel – “What is Religion’s Role in Politics?”, featuring Nick Gillespie and moron-provocateur Mike S. Adams

10:30 AM: Book signing — Feminists Say the Darndest Things: A Politically Incorrect Professor Confronts ‘Womyn’ on Campus by sinful dwarf Mike S. Adams

11:00 AM: Panel – “Liberal Bias on Campus: The Challenge to Restore Balance to Our Universities”, featuring John Leo and David Horowitz (a.k.a. Fuddy and Duddy)

11:30 AM: Book signing — A Time to Clash: Papers from a Provocative Pastor by meaty fanatic Doug S. Giles

12:00 PM: Book signing — Real Change: From the World That Fails to the World That Works by futuristic blowjob enthusiast Newt Gingrich

1:00 PM: Panel — “Threats to Our Nation’s Sovereignty”, featuring oral sex naysayer Cliff Kincaid, Tom Fitton, xenophobic dingbat Thomas Kilgallen & withered authoritarian Phyllis Schlafly

2:00 PM: Speaker – chunky peanut butter-style revolutionary Newt Gingrich

Oh, the fun we’ll have!

God I’ve missed this show. I’m not sure Jacob would approve of me using a blog to praise his virtues (he does hate technology, after all), but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

T-minus 20 minutes ’til the season premiere, baby. Boo-ya.

Here’s another classic:

Let’s hope not… this time, an evil Canadian not David Frum, aka Mark Steyn, steps up to the plate:

America spends more on its military than the next 35-40 biggest military spenders on the planet combined[.]

We believe the following only strengthens Mark’s point:

US military spending […] was more than the combined spending of the next 14 nations.

Ben Shapiro has figured out what Mittens Romney needs to do in order to win the Republican nomination:

He needs to muss his hair, don a flannel shirt and a pair of jeans, grab a photographer and go dig a hole somewhere.

We suggest digging a hole to the 21st century.

Ben graduated from UCLA and Harvard Law School. No, really.

Gavin adds: One title would be ‘Ben Gay.’

The pearls-o-wisdom keep on comin’:

So, Arnold Schwarzenegger endorsed John McCain. He extolled McCain for “reach[ing] across the political aisle to get things done.”

We’ll hear that annoying platitude a bazillion and one times through Super Tuesday and beyond.

To which I say: When did it become the Republican Party’s top priority to “get things done?”

“The Republican Party: Vote for us so we can sit on our fat asses and get rich off of kickbacks and slush funds.”

If that ain’t bumper sticker material, I don’t know what is.

UPDATE: Two prime LOLs in the comments.

One:

‘Vote Republican. You can wreck a country in 8 years, but it takes 12 years to kill it’

Two:

The Republican Party – “When we’re not drowning Government in the bath tub, we wear our diapers out to the airport and have sex with random men!”

Dear Dr. Atrios. I have a good Wanker of the Day nominee for you. His name is Jake Tapper and he’s (tragically) a senior national correspondent at ABC. He’s also apparently illiterate. Check it:

Former President Bill Clinton was in Denver, Colorado, stumping for his wife yesterday.

In a long, and interesting speech, he characterized what the U.S. and other industrialized nations need to do to combat global warming this way: “We just have to slow down our economy and cut back our greenhouse gas emissions ’cause we have to save the planet for our grandchildren.” At a time that the nation is worried about a recession is that really the characterization his wife would want him making? “Slow down our economy”? I don’t really think there’s much debate that, at least initially, a full commitment to reduce greenhouse gases would slow down the economy….So was this a moment of candor?

He went on to say that his the U.S. — and those countries that have committed to reducing greenhouse gases — could ultimately increase jobs and raise wages with a good energy plan. So there was something of a contradiction there. Or perhaps he mis-spoke. Or perhaps this characterization was a description of what would happen if there isn’t a worldwide effort…I’m noquite certain.

Or perhaps you should actually read the entire goddamn statement that you posted on your own freaking blog (my emphasis):

“Everybody knows that global warming is real,” Mr. Clinton said, giving a shout-out to Al Gore’s Nobel Peace Prize, “but we cannot solve it alone.”

“And maybe America, and Europe, and Japan, and Canada — the rich counties — would say, ‘OK, we just have to slow down our economy and cut back our greenhouse gas emissions ’cause we have to save the planet for our grandchildren.’ We could do that.

“But if we did that, you know as well as I do, China and India and Indonesia and Vietnam and Mexico and Brazil and the Ukraine, and all the other countries will never agree to stay poor to save the planet for our grandchildren. The only way we can do this is if we get back in the world’s fight against global warming and prove it is good economics that we will create more jobs to build a sustainable economy that saves the planet for our children and grandchildren. It is the only way it will work.

How much clearer could this be? Clinton actually said that it would be unwise to slow down our economy as a method of combating global warming, if for no other reason than developing countries would be unlikely to follow our lead. He said that the better way to go about it would be in creating alternative fuels that could create a more sustainable economy.

Are major political reporters in this country honestly this stupid? Aren’t they embarrassed to be publishing this crap? When even the very dim bulbs at the Corner call you out on stuff like this, you know you’ve really stepped in it.

UPDATE: Oh for God’s sake:

Wow, I hardly know how to take this. This morning, trying to understand what former President Bill Clinton was driving at when he made a statement about effort to combat global warming, I posted a quote of his, put it in context, provided video links, and asked what he meant.

It was perfectly clear what he meant, doofus: he said it wouldn’t be smart to slow down our economy to stop global warming. Even the insane folks at the National Review understand this.

The Clinton campaign did not provide for me, as requested, an explanation of what he meant.

Because they mistakenly assumed you had reading comprehension skills beyond the third-grade level, they probably didn’t see why they had to.

Instead, the response from the Clinton campaign is to post an item on its “fact” hub and accuse me of “parsing.”

I will plead guilty to “parsing” — the dictionary definition of the word — “To examine closely or subject to detailed analysis, especially by breaking up into components” or “To make sense of; comprehend.”

But I suspect the Clinton campaign thinks of the word “parsing” in its more colloquial sense — as in “It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.”

I guess I should defer to their expertise. Apologies for taking a confusing public comment from a former president about a major world issue and trying to make sense of it.

No, you should apologize for taking what was an absurdly clear statement and intentionally mucking it up just to draw the oh-so-coveted Drudge Report traffic to your page. You should also apologize for giving the Republicans yet another set of bogus “Al-Gore-said-he-invented-the-Internet!!!11!!1!” talking points to use against Democratic candidates, which you dutifully reprinted on your blog shortly after they were posted.

Wowsers. Just say sorry and stop embarrassing yourself, buddy.

Jesus:

Suicides among active-duty soldiers in 2007 reached their highest level since the Army began keeping such records in 1980, according to a draft internal study obtained by The Washington Post. Last year, 121 soldiers took their own lives, nearly 20 percent more than in 2006.

At the same time, the number of attempted suicides or self-inflicted injuries in the Army has jumped sixfold since the Iraq war began. Last year, about 2,100 soldiers injured themselves or attempted suicide, compared with about 350 in 2002, according to the U.S. Army Medical Command Suicide Prevention Action Plan. […]

The conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan have placed severe stress on the Army, caused in part by repeated and lengthened deployments. Historically, suicide rates tend to decrease when soldiers are in conflicts overseas, but that trend has reversed in recent years. From a suicide rate of 9.8 per 100,000 active-duty soldiers in 2001 — the lowest rate on record — the Army reached an all-time high of 17.5 suicides per 100,000 active-duty soldiers in 2006.

The only thing I’ll add is this: we don’t treat mental health in this country nearly as seriously as we should.