Sadly, No!

No image this week. GIMP decided to go on strike.

Stephanos Bibas, National Skew:
Leisure Time

Prison.

Many things can be said to describe the modern American prison system. Abusive. Filled with a rape culture that would rival the most roofie-addicted frat house. Filled with a racist justice system that disproportionately targets minority populations and which often hands down sentences based on class and race. So horrifyingly terrible that our torture camps took notes from them on how to break a human being.

But to conservatives, who largely can trust their race and class to keep them out of prison no matter how terrible a crime they commit, prisons are apparently filled with gumdrops and endless ice cream cones.

Which drives them to endless hatreds as they imagine the victims of the racist/punitive based torture hives they eagerly cheer in the name of law and order are getting a free ride on the taxpayer’s expense that isn’t theirs (a problem we could easily solve by treating so called “white collar crime” and “upper class drugs” with the same intensity as we do petty theft or marijuana possession).

Shorter:

• You know what would make the famously abusive prison-industrial complex and its not-so-subtle disenfranchisement of black men in particular even better? Bringing back literal slave labor so that we never again had to pay any poor people at all for so-called “work” doing manual labor. I mean, after all, it’s no fun for us unless the poor and small-time criminals we throw in there while protecting the high-profile corporate criminals and war criminals, are as miserable and overworked as we can possibly make them.

And yeah, it’s exactly as you think it is.

Right down to blaming the recidivism rate not on prevailing industry prejudices against hiring former inmates, abusive prison environments based more on punishment than on actual rehabilitation, and untreated PTSD caused by abusive prison environments, but rather on the inherent perfidy of inmates and trite religious pablum about “idle hands being the devil’s playground”.

The fact that people like this have been the sole people allowed anywhere near our broken and bitter prison system goes a long way to explaining just why they are as bad and unsuccessful in their stated (though not their intended) mission as they are.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Even when they’ve driven everyone to living in cardboard boxes roasting pigeons under the overpass while they live in opulent space mansions guarded by robots, they’ll still resent us for getting “free pigeon” that they don’t get. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

When the mangos below get too much, feel free to scroll back up and enjoy the dulcet queerness of this overused photoshop.

Noah Beck, American Mastermind:
Middle East Gay Pride and LGBT Safety Exist Only in Israel

It is not our place as mere mortals, living in the squalor that is our inferior and ignorance-filled lives to deign question the superior space brains of the resident super-geniuses at American Thinker. Their ways are simply far too elaborate and intellectual for us to even contemplate without igniting our poor minds and burning to a crisp.

And thus, as their busy minds occasionally drift from their day to day important considerations of such weighty matters as “Is a President born in America if enough assholes really don’t want him to have been?” or “Can one make a scandal-heavy presidency just by fapping loud enough?” to dwell on such pedestrian matters as the upcoming Pride season, we should feel naught but honour that our intellectual betters would even lower themselves to turn their attentions to us.

Even if some, heretical forces, may question and lightly jibe to hide their envy, at the seeming… hypocrisy and bad faith, especially when their posts largely consist of…

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Israel is further along on gay rights issues (as long as we ignore the rabidly right-wing “orthodox” factions that we personally say should be given more and more power) than the other Middle Eastern nations. Therefore, anyone who recognizes the human rights abuses that the Israeli state is committing on the Palestinians or the wars they are trying to ignite against other countries, is anti-gay-rights! Ha! Take that, lefties!

Things said merry makers of jest may interpret in their limited way as being painfully disingenuous and a pathetic last-minute attempt to co-opt a movement that has been rather successful of late in winning over public regard, despite the “best intentions” of those powerful wise men to dissuade society from considering such foul vermin fully human.

Clayton E. Cramer, American Braniac Supercomputer:
‘I Was Born This Way’

Perhaps, extremely ill-informed and uncharitable readings of their 12th level intellects may misinterpret their varied and nuanced takes on the most perplexing of notions (the existence of queer people) as simply a tired and rehashed litany of ancient bigotries traded around an endless circle jerk of dullards repeating the words of a Holocaust-denying engineer of an Ugandan genocide.

But that would be a cruelty only befitting us poor peasants and is not to be even thought of placing on the same CONTINENT as our highly-enlightened masters at the American Omniscience.

(Oh, by the by, TRIGGER WARNING for sexual assault and rape apologetics, those who need it*)

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• I dun heard about how that dere Lady Gaga has been singing about people born ways and shit, so I wanted to cite some wingnut non-papers and misinterpret some real science in order to support the tired litany of Scott Lively bullshit about queers only existing because they were pussy enough to be raped by perverts who were probably gay themselves, because that’s the only way fags reproduce.

I mean… er… that is to say…

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What conservatives see every time women stagger an inch closer to actually being treated as full human beings by society

Kathleen Parker, The Washington Post is a Super Serious Journalism Paper:
The new F-word: Father

I strongly considered adding this as a second bonus post on the end of the last Father’s Day post, but looking further it became rapidly clear that this deserved the full mango treatment.

Because, you see, Kathleen Parker has daddy issues. Or rather, she’s got the entire run of Daddy in chronological order safely stored in individual mylar bags inside a temperature controlled “collection room” except for dual copies of the ultra rare June 1949 issue with the backwards SKU code, which of course are kept in the air-tight combination safe.

Which is sadly extremely understandable, seeing as how the “pinnacles of American journalism” have always been loath to hire any woman who didn’t carry enough water for their disapproving and slightly abusive father figures. It helps them fit better with all the men who are doing the same.

And boo on any of us who seem to put the two and two together on how this leads to endless cheerleading for whichever Republican figure of the moment can best perform whatever psychodrama necessary for the collected age-play fetishists to engage in a little shadow play with.

But anyways, you can already tell that you’re in for a treat before you even scroll down. The New F-word? Like we’re all 5 years old and the notion of someone saying “fuck” in this day and age is a shocking taboo we’re all supposed to ooooh over. And of course, we have the whole “father is a bad word” malarky from which the IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION wafts off it like an open sewer cover. And that’s before we even put the two together and realize that some complete hack thought that was a clever way to link their latest brainfart with a half-awareness of a minor holiday and then try and process it with the fact that said person easily makes more in a year than most of us make in ten or twenty without bursting into tears.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Women working outside the home for actual salaries clearly means that men need to be saved from the iron bootheels of the Gynofascist movement to eliminate all men. Thus to prevent this Vaginocalypse we as conservatives must step up our campaign of intense sexism and enforcement of the glass ceiling.

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I’m pretty sure the source of your wife leaving you has more to do with that hideous part than anything else.

W. Bradford Wilcox*, National Merci Beaucoup:
Happy Fatherless Day

Father’s Day, like Mother’s Day before it, can be a very complex holiday. It can bring joyous thoughts, like thinking of your gay dads and the sunny halcyon days of youth accompanying them to the heterosexual reeducation camp to laugh at the chained up straight people. It can bring painful thoughts, intense triggering, and weeks of sadness even if the monster who abused you as a child is safely buried under the floorboards where he belongs. It can bring absolutely no thoughts whatsoever, an excuse to call home and check in to make sure ones progenitors have not yet shuffled off the mortal coil.

Speaking personally, I know the holiday has become more… interesting, psychologically speaking, given recent events with my own father. But you didn’t tune in to hear about that, but rather how the various dungeon denizens of the right-wing react to this emotionally pregnant (give a pregnant dad a hug) holiday. Well, to really get into it, we must first-

It’s rage and confusion.

Like with every other holiday… or day for that matter, wingnuts have been responding to Father’s Day with unfocused hatred of those they see as transgressing the “natural order” and thus “ruining” their unearned celebrations of being born at the top of the piggy pile.

But hey, I suppose it’s understandable, given that I doubt they receive many calls home from their estranged and terrified children on these days.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Damn bitch dun took my kids… I mean… damn bitches, taking away America’s children and sticking the government with the bill rather than living in abusive cages and worshipping the penile rule of their husband overlords!

Or alternatively:

Verbatim tagline:

• As marriage declines, fewer fathers will have real relationships with their children.

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I didn’t realize you could use “I’m rubber and you’re glue” defenses for violations of civil rights.

James Lewis, American Reactionary:
The Totalitarian Left is Back

The right-wing is starting to glaze over a little bit. They’ve been whipped into such a forthy santorum over so much tightly-packed shit that all the posts are essentially interchangeable.

It’s all “Blah blah blah, I’m shocked to find gambling going on here at this casino, blah blah blah, WAH! Minor non-incidents are so much worse than the fact that we regularly ran torture prisons for the better part of a decade, blah blah blah, I hate black people and can’t believe one was elected for two terms…. I mean something about Obama being Hitler because Hitler has become a stand-in ‘bad guy’ completely removed from his actual ideology and crimes…”

So it’s always a shock to filter through the endless repeats and find an argument that is… if not novel, certainly of a greater blatancy than I’ve grown accustomed to from the record-skipping hordes.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• So, when we went to go yell at the filthy liberals for not agreeing that the president is a NI-CLANG because of his continuation of Bush era surveillance-state policies, they laughed at us, pointed to our complete lapdog approval of the installation of such a state, and then reminded us that we called them treasonous anti-American bastards for daring to point out that such a system would have long term consequences we ourselves might not enjoy if a Democratic president came to pass…

  Well… uh…

  NUH UH! Obama installed all of the Bush-era abuses of power! WAH! Mommy, make them stop giving us credit for the successes we no longer want credit for! WAH!

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I keep on hearing about Jewish Republicans and then I read posts like this and I’m left wondering… Why?

Herbert E. Meyer, American Deep Thinker:
The Smoking Gun in Plain Sight

Shorter:

• I’m not saying that Obama is Hitler… only that Obama is Hitler.

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Apparently this image is destroying the world… Good to know.

Ben “The Loneliest Virgin You Will Ever Know” Shapiro, Andrew Breitbart is still Dead.com:
Children’s Network Launches Transsexual Superhero Show

Sonuvabitch!

Do you have any idea how many back alley blowjobs and secret cabal meetings went into this project to turn kids trans* by exposing them to the existence of trans* people in one single cartoon show on a struggling channel? All that effort to conceal the many-hands of the Illuminati’s George Soros funding and BAM, we get rumbled by the super-duper sleuths at Team “Breitbart’s Star is going to carry us home” and their unthinkable concept of obsessively following children’s entertainment news in hopes of overblowing something into a full-blown hissy-fit.

Fuck, if only it weren’t for the steely-eyed talents like Ben “Failed Lawyer and Collapsing Empire Inheritor” Shapiro, we really could have reached the 10-15 kids who would have stumbled onto the show normally.

And then, the hypnoscreens would kick in and BAM, they’d be infected with… liberal ideas like “trans* people are human beings” and “I shouldn’t make fun of people just because I perceive them as wearing the ‘wrong’ clothes”.

And then where would be as a society? Cities would fall, mothers would grow sterile, the whole world would be enveloped in unending night. But now, nope, boring old 24 hour cycles… no thanks to Shitbeard here. It just makes me so angry, you know?

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Perceived trannies, bad! Gender Enforcement, good! Trannies, ewwwww.

Read the rest of this entry »

Also inspirational.

Jim Hoft, Outhouse Pundit:
Air Force Removes Inspirational Painting With Bible Verse From Dining Hall – Atheists Found It “Repugnant”

Am I the only one tired of the latest carousel of made-up “scandals” from the right complete with calls for impeachment/public execution for Obama? All the various fainting couch addicts flinging themselves this way and that trying to pretend that having the IRS vaguely look in the direction of rich billionaire pet projects whose only coherent public opinion is that taxes are evil and shouldn’t be paid is a bad thing. Or that Benghazi is an… anything? Or that one random AP reporter getting spied on is somehow the worst government overreach ever with apparently no irony awareness of the Bush years and how every left-of-Rush-Limbaugh group larger than 2 people had to endure constant governmental harassment and tapped phones or how loudly the right cheered it all on when it was happening to the “right people”?

Maybe it’s because I’m one of those “little people” facing those meaningless little “real problems” that the powers that be refuse to even address because a bought-and-sold media wants to fill all the air time with made-up horseshit, but I just can’t be arsed to give one single fuck.

And damn me to hell if I’m going to waste my time refuting something they don’t really care about other than a test run to see if they can besmirch the scandal-less by screaming fake scandals as loudly and constantly as they can.

So I won’t. Today’s post will instead be about a very serious issue. Something worthy of time and attention.
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Daren Jonescu, here being “oppressed” by young educated whipper snappers

Daren Jonescu, American Wannabe Gangstas:
Winning the Long War

It is often a tiny comfort for those struggling for justice, equality, the right to eat, etc… that the hard stone of their cell walls will eventually shatter if they and everyone they know endlessly throw their face at it for the rest of their lives and beyond. That this process, more often than not, has one ending which is eventually, belatedly, realized though the path to it is arduous and depressingly long, has become the source of many pat truisms.

And having been so shortened, I suppose it was only a matter of time before conservatives noticed and reacted the same way they do when anything is uttered from the mouth of a commie hippie liberal rat bastard.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• They say the arc of history is long but it bends towards justice… Well, fuck! C’mon everybody, brainstorming time on how to put a stop to that shit!

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There the dykes go, stripping some dude of his freedom of speech again!

Michael Kinsley, Even the Liberal New Republic:
LGBT PC: Being against marriage equality doesn’t make you a monster

Ah, the trusty old Even the Liberal New Republic. If the stars burn out in the skies, they will still be right here, trying to gift-wrap conservative arguments in ostensibly liberal wrapping paper so as to give the mutated lizard people of the time something to point to in their arguments that their hatred of the filthy liberal mutated squirrel people is hardly hateful.

When last we saw them, they were attempting to spray-paint hardcore gun fetishism as harmless fun for the whole family, so what’s today’s 5-star wanted level reduction?

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Wah! Gays are the real bullies and bigots for speaking out and protesting against the people who seek to publicly dehumanize and demonize them. FREE SPEECH!

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