Sadly, No!

ABOVE: B.J. Bozell III

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Brent Bozell watches blow jobs on television so that you don’t have to:

The lame, recycled “90210” opened with — an oral sex scene … five minutes into the family hour, at 8:05 p.m. Eastern time. That’s 7:05 p.m. Central, when teens have just finished supper.*

Sadly, our favorite media critic didn’t tell me this important information in time to set my TiVo. Do you think I missed seeing close ups of throbbing manhood and a money shot? Sadly, no.

[Viewers] were introduced to the refurbished show’s brand-new teenager characters by having a girl walk up to a car in the school parking lot on the first day of school, and find her love interest in his car with a sort of panicked, yet winded reaction. Then up came another girl’s head from his lap.

That’s it? Personally, I think Bozell is a dirty old man with a filthy mind. How does he know for sure what that girl was doing with her head in the boy’s lap? She could have been napping after all. Perv.

Obviously, this show is high on over-the-top shock and low on authenticity if it thinks that in broad daylight, at school bus-unloading time, teenage boys are having sex in the driver’s seat of their cars.

Either Bozell was never a teen-age boy, which is a distinct possibility, or, more likely, no one ever showed much interest in giving the pimple-ridden Bozell a BJ when he was a teen.

Interestingly, Bozell rails about the trashy, sex-strewn plot of a minor show on a minor network and the effects it will have on the youth of America without once mentioning the trashy, sex-strewn soap opera that was unfolding on network television last week during prime time in front of millions of teenagers. Frankly, the teenage pregnancy of Bristol Palin at the, er, hands of a raffish redneck hockey player — admit it, you’d do him in the back of a Camaro too — will do more to corrupt the morals of American teenagers than any show on the CW network. Why isn’t Bozell pointing that out? Huh? Huh???

*Another useful revelation from Bozell: teenagers all eat “supper” at the same time. Even more amazingly, they apparently eat supper based on GMT and irrrespective of the actual time in their local time zone.

Above: Contemplates airlifting massive amounts of Mountain Dew and Cheetos into Georgia.

Russia’s Kosovo Precedent

• Sure, it may look like the Russian government has a principled point when it argues that the right of self-determination asserted by Kosovo should apply equally to Abkhazia and South Ossetia, but don’t believe it. Instead observe how I argue, in the transparent bad faith typical of neocons who use Wilsonian arguments in the service of pith-helmeted policies, that it’s a case of apples and oranges. What do I really believe? Well, not in democracy and self-determination per se, but in these ideals only when they coincide with the aims of imperialistic NATO and American interests (which are angelic). I certainly don’t believe in them when they coincide with Russian imperialistic interests (which are, of course, satanic). Hence my sophistry. Enjoy! By the way, I’m leftwing; I swear it! I didn’t leave the Democrats; they left me! Now Paypal me some dinero so I can go see the smoldering carcasses of filthy, subhuman islamofasci — er, irredentist, subhuman Russians in person! I take lotsa pictures! Kthnxbai!

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Foreign-Policy “Experience”

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Edited for style.

Remember when McCain said his definition of ‘rich’ is people who make $5 million or more a year? A pal of mine pointed out last night that high-yield savings account interest rates top out at about 4%. That means you’d need about $125 million in the bank to get back $5 million a year.

Now consider that big-time lottery winners pay at least half of their winnings in taxes, sometimes more. For simplicity’s sake, let’s say 50% fed and state taxation is the norm.

What does all this mean? It means that John McCain thinks that winning a $249 million lottery jackpot wouldn’t make you rich.

Shorter Entire Republican Convention:

• Scale back our policy aims? Ha ha ha ha! No really, what do you mean?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

McCain Speech

• The American people are far too intelligent to vote in their own economic self-interest.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Your bra bomb better work, Nerdlinger

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Jay Nordlinger, the man who puts the square in the Corner, watched McCain’s speech last night, and unlike the rest of the country, his response was not a prolonged yawn, but an interminable series of ‘pointlets’. Let’s watch!

I’ll start by repeating what I said earlier, in my “instant react”: He was himself and he said what he believes. And that’s probably the most you can ask for in a candidate.

Really? That’s the most you can ask? No wonder George W. Bush is president.

Seeing pictures of McCain’s dad reminded me that WFB knew him — stayed with him out in Hawaii.

Hawaii? You mean that hotbed of elitism where Barack “Uppity” Obama was raised? Anyway, I agree it is nice to be reminded that McCain is part of the nepotistic upper class boy’s club that the G.O.P. prefers to have running the country.

Very important that the Vietnam record was gone over, in this video. But everyone knows about it, right? No. Many citizens would have found out about this for the first time.

Seriously, Jay Nordlinger: if you can find me one single American citizen of voting age who just found out about John McCain’s service in Vietnam yesterday, I will donate $100 to his campaign.

I was glad to hear more from the candidate’s mother. All I knew her for, really, was the anti-Mormon zinger she delivered in the primaries, when her son was competing against Romney.

For those having trouble parsing this one, Jay is saying “The only thing I knew John McCain’s mother for was her public expression of religious bigotry, so naturally I was glad to hear more from her.”

The gratitude that McCain expressed for Bush — superb. Honorable. Right. Filled me with a warmth about McCain. Nice going, senator.

It is really heart-warming and honorable to express gratitude to someone who openly despises you and who has tried on multiple occasions to ruin your career.

Could he have handled the protesters a little better, a little more creatively? Yeah, probably, but he did all right. Funny how Republicans aren’t allowed to give their addresses, without such disruptions; the Democrats sail through theirs.

That is funny! I wonder if maybe it’s because people don’t hate the Democrats and think they’re ruining the country.

A friend e-mailed me, mid-speech, “Not exactly Palinesque.” Funny how that has become a recognizable adjective in a day — that she has become the standard in a day.

I thought it was very Palinesque, but I was using the word in a different sense.

“I hate war” — reminiscent of FDR. But a (much) different accent!

Yeah, that FDR, he talked like a real sissy. Which is why McCain is more better! But hey, while we’re at it, can anyone think of another difference between FDR and war and McCain and war? That’s right! FDR didn’t start the wars he was involved in. Can anyone think of another? That’s right! We won FDR’s war.

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ABOVE: Rep. Lynn Westmoreland (R – Georgia)

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Lynn Westmoreland, a Republican Congressman from Georgia, used to be best known for sponsoring a bill allowing the public display of the Ten Commandments in courthouses and then only being able to name three of them on The Colbert Report. At least that was the case until earlier this week when he called Obama “uppity.”

In a Washington D.C. conversation with reporters, the two-term Sharpsburg congressman was discussing the speech of Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin when he was asked to compare her with Michelle Obama.

“Just from what little I’ve seen of her and Mr. Obama, Sen. Obama, they’re a member of an elitist-class individual that thinks that they’re uppity,” Westmoreland said, according to The Hill, a newspaper that covers Capitol Hill.

When asked to clarify, Westmoreland said, “Uppity, yeah.”

When a staffer in Westmoreland’s office finally turned on the computer and figured out how to read the Congressman’s emails, Westmoreland’s chief of staff decided that they had to say something to explain what the Congressman really meant. After an all-night brainstorming session, this is what they came up with:

U.S. Rep. Lynn Westmoreland, who was born and raised in the South, said Thursday that he’s never heard the word “uppity” used in a racially loaded fashion — and meant nothing more than “elitist” when he applied it to Barack Obama and his wife Michelle.

“If anyone read more into it, no undercurrent was intended,” Westmoreland spokesman Brian Robinson said this evening.

In order to demonstrate the probability that the Congressman had never heard the word “uppity” used in a racially-loaded fashion, Robinson lead Westmoreland in front of the press corps and pointed to the two corks that apparently were permanently lodged in his two ear canals. That’s the only possible explanation for Westmoreland’s claim. I grew up in the South, am younger than the 58-year-old Westmoreland and certainly heard “uppity” used as a description of black folks who “didn’t know their place.”

When Robinson lead Westmoreland out of the press conference, Westmoreland was overheard saying “My, them nigras suhtainly are-uh touchy.”

UPDATE: Here’s part of Westmoreland’s appearance on The Colbert Report. They cut the part where Colbert presses him on how many commandments he remembers, and he can name only three. However, they have left in the part where he admits he doesn’t know them. Pay careful attention to the expression on his face when he’s asked if he knows them.

When you lived in a box, this is the post that happens. On the heels of hte* linkiest link-p0st in the history of the 1nt3rt00bz, I only have one question:

What books did Sarah Palin want banned from the Wasilla, Alaska public library?

Seriously, we need to know this. The country needs to know this. Let’s take bets. Mine:

– Catcher in the Rye
– Huckleberry Finn
– Moby Dick
– Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot
– This Boy’s Life

*hte is the new teh

So, this is it, huh, folks?

The last eight years are going down in the books as the most degraded in American history. The people put in charge of caring for this country shoved us into a brutal and unnecessary war that, whatever its ultimate outcome, was begun under circumstances as false as Gleiwitz and which squandered the lives of thousands who didn’t deserve to die. They sat on their hands while an American city drowned and have never had the stones to own up to it. They let the war they started turn into a disastrous occupation that cost America billions, and allowed their corporate cronies to soak billions more through fraud, profiteering and waste. They’ve done next to nothing to capture the one man responsible for 9/11, while using his murderous legacy to scare up votes. They’ve wasted every opportunity to provide health care, education and energy independence to our country, and taken every opportunity to enrich the wealthiest Americans at everyone else’s expense. They’ve degraded the Constitution, treated their own countrymen like criminals and traitors, opened brutal prison camps on foreign soil, scoffed at the very notion of due process, and normalized torture as part of the routine business of running a nation.

And now, with an opportunity to stand in front of the men and women who have had the good taste not to do the decent thing and string them up from the nearest light post – with the opportunity to, if not apologize for the horrible betrayal of the very promise of our nation, at least to say that they know things have gone wrong and damn it, they will put them right – here is what they say:

DRILL, BABY, DRILL.

That’s their change. That’s their new hope. That’s how they propose to make it right, people.

Why, it almost reminds me of a song.

Starting with an ABC
Wanting to drill fully

Editing skillfully
Arguing forcefully

1 2 Drill U

Any small thing that we find
Lengthened moment in the sea

Driving me home
Any places far or near

It begins at one and is followed by two
An X marks the spot where I met U
1 2 Drill U
In the heart of the earth under the ground
In every city and every town
1 2 Drill U

If you’re saved or if you’re lost
If you are free, what is the cost?
1 2 Drill U

If you’re scarred, if you’re a fool
If you are hot, if you are cool
It’s up to you, it’s up to me
There’s only one thing that it can be
One
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