Sadly, No!

Remember kiddies, if you’re planning on interacting with Santorum, wear protection. Wear ALL the protection you can.

George Will, The Washington Host:
For Santorum, the fight goes on

Obamacare, Obamacare, impeachment fantasy, Obamacare, Obamacare, $@*^ football, Obamacare…

There are moments with the right-wing wurlitzer where it’s more exhausting than anything else. I mean, what else is there to say about their continued attempts to last-minute sabotage a plan they would have cheered 10 years ago?

Yeah, it’s a bunch of anarchist-wannabe whiners unable to cope with the fact that they not only lost but they were fighting on the wrong side of history (oh hai, confederacy revivalists, I didn’t see you there). Yeah, it’s the starkest demonstration that they will fight to the literal death to prevent even the barest amount of improvement in the daily life of actual people. Yeah, it reveals just how little respect these wanna-be fascists have for the whole institution of democracy and how little they can handle basic reality or the notion that actions have consequences. And yeah, buried in there is the meager hope that maybe just maybe the iron grip of these fuckers is slipping and we’re getting really close to putting them behind us and having a brief revolutionary window where we can fix one or two things before the olds and the moderates get scared again.

So yeah, fuck that, let’s watch George Will openly sob into a box of wine instead.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Is the gravy train finally stopping? Um, ignore the current predicament, dream of a Reagan to save us in 2016. Uh, who could be our Reagan. Well, there’s… er… him… but… uh… Fuck. It’s goddamn frothy mixture Santorum, isn’t it? Well fuck. Time to break out the cyanide cocktails, gentleman. And bottoms up!

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Flag on the play. Jesus with the personal foul. Illegal use of improvised weapon. 15 yards.

Parnell Donahue, Ruddy America:
How can I get my kids to go to church?

Did I offend some ancient deity along the way? Spit upon a holy altar made of skinned pig and chips of corn? Cross a nasty gremlin whose favorite sport is the rugby with pads homoerotic jockstrap parade that is American Football? I know it’s that time of the year again, but holy fuck people.

Cause, lately, it seems like if an article isn’t about Obamacare or some made up attempt to impeach the president for “no fair winning all the time”, it’s some fucking paean to the various cults of the white tuning forks.

Now, you might be saying. The hell? But this topic isn’t even about football!

Oh, ye mighty, look upon these works and weep.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• How do you trap your morally corrupted brood in the same hateful and backwards religion that you’ve made your daily bread? Ha! That’s simple, buy some Jesus foam fingers, crack upon a twelve-pack and get shit-faced yelling at a screen of the Jesus failing to convert on 3rd and 1. Because at this point, let’s just drop the pretense that we worship anything other than the all-sainted pigskin on Fall Sundays.

And in case you thought I was joking…

First, be a fan and watch the games. Remember action is more important than talk. Then, get some Packer paraphernalia like Caps, Jerseys, and maybe even a cheese-head or two. Talk about the players at dinner and involve your kids in the conversation. Hey, gets some tickets and make a family road trip to Wisconsin. By the time your kids are teens they will be fans.

ALWAYS TRUST THE SHORTER!

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. An actual short post…? What spore of madness is this? We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

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Let’s go Ethnic Slurs, let’s go (clap clap clap)

Michael Bresciani, Ravage the Native Americans:
Want to be politically correct, how about – ‘The Washington Snakeskins’?

Ooh, football, excellent! I mean, there are some really exciting things going on right now. I mean, tiny Iceland is a single playoff away from being in their first ever World Cup, which is huge and…

What? No, the other one? The one with the pads and the more locally relevant toxic jock culture to make me resistant to enjoying the game even if I was inclined?

Oh, great. So what’s been happening with that… whole thing?

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Native Americans and those who are not actually white supremacists wanting a deliberate racial slur to change is literal Satanism.

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Memo to morons: The “kids today” aren’t cheering you on, they’re cheering your impending deaths and the day we actually can affect some positive fucking change in the world.

Chriss Street, American Wishful Thinking:
Times Are A-Changin’ for Conservatives

It’s been absolutely fascinating to watch the wingnut brigade rip each other apart these days.

I’ve been noting with some haughty bemusement just how resistant the conservative horde has been to even the barest personal responsibility for just how thoroughly they have tried to destroy the country in the name of punishing “liberals”.

The notion that there are actually consequences for literally running on destroying a president and preventing anything positive being done during a Second Depression or for pissing on every group but an ever shrinking pool of rich white heteronormative men, is so appalling to them that they are quickly spinning around trying to point to anyone who walks past as the “real culprit”.

And it has also been amazing to see the proud faces of those who have tried to invent “Tea Party” as something “new” and “nascent” and proof that conservatism is on the rise blanch and stiffen to the Old Guard bigots being only too happy to give them full credit for the latest self-fail of the Republican Party.

And of course, being creatures wholly incapable of accepting any reality that is anything short of adulatory, it has led only to a deranged version of the bargaining phase of grief.

For example:

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Nuh uh, the kids totally love us for trying to destroy them repeatedly and they’re going to swarm in and save our decrepit ancient asses from ever having to change and I’ll fight to the death against any meanie head wingnut who doesn’t share this delusion.

  My proof of this is that this generation is more liberal than the guy we’ve decided is Super Stalin, the fact that the bullshit we’ve been selling to the public in a last bid to shutdown Obamacare has been claiming to do so in the name of those pesky youth, and lastly and most importantly, the fact that youth have been a force for transformative change in the past. QED, permanent Republican Majority, motherfuckers!

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And there was a thundering of hooves and a clattering of swords, and when the dust cleared, only one remained standing. Her armor dented, but gleaming red in the noon-day sun.

James W. Lucas, American Can We Get a Mulligan, Please?:
Sun Tzu, Ken Cuccinelli, and the “War on Women” Gambit

I’m sorry, is that a title or the next question in a game of “fuck, marry, kill”?

So yeah, guess who has two thumbs and a semi-functional federal government again? The able-bodied members of this country, aw yeah!

So far, my favorite quote of the whole failed douchebag maneuver has to be the quote from Boehner in this article that goes: “Blocking the bipartisan agreement reached today by the members of the Senate will not be a tactic for us.”

Aww, poor baby, did it turn out your brilliant strategy of pouting really hard and demanding to be given the keys to the government break down at the first realization that reality actually exists and there are consequences to being a giant fuckwad?

I so sowwy.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• What? Turns out women can vote and we don’t actually have the numbers necessary to win elections entirely on the backs of the 27%. Uhhhh, well, let’s just do the same shit we always do and hope that everything goes back to normal and makes us electorally viable again without having to change. If this keeps happening, I might have to admit that our right-wing insane bullshit actually isn’t as universally applauded as I want to pretend it is and us wingnuts might have to accept some personal responsibility for making it slightly more favorable to elect raw sewage than anyone with an R next to their name… NAH!

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Personal responsibility hurt. Me no like.

Shorter Rev. Michael Bresciani, American Tantrum:
I’ll have my Way — or America will Suffer

• It’s not our fault, Obama made us shutdown the government! What with his thinking he was so high and mighty and could pass vaguely liberal legislation just because liberals won elections! He just made us so angry! He knows how we get when we get angry, so it was all his fault! Maybe if he wasn’t slutting around with the queers we wouldn’t have to put him in his place so often!

Sigh. The shutdown.
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God doesn’t like it when you know your partner, luckily, we can fix that booboo right up. Oh stop crying, this is for your own good.

Marsha West, Anti-Rooibos America:
Sin is at the heart of what is wrong in your life

Conservatives are weird.

Which yeah, understatement of the millennium, but it’s worth noting because of all the hard-selling they do for the status quo and the way they so utterly fixate on any minor difference and excuse they can use to abuse and mistreat in the name of “normality” and “conformity”, they are still, really really fucking weird.

A lifetime of locking one’s arms and digging in one’s heels in the hopes of halting the ever-forward momentum of history and the millions whose broken and battered bodies make it so means a lifetime of growing more and more separated from its impacts or changes.

And it leaves the poor confused dears like time travelers from the times when things used to suck even more, cheerfully relating how the perfidy of the Irish is destroying the Protestant heritage of this country as everyone glances nervously at their glasses and wonders exactly how strong their drinks really were.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Now some Christians may have abandoned getting hung up on that “living in sin” thing what with it being a no-brainer to have some experience actually living with one’s partner before getting incredibly entangled in what is often intended to be a life-long commitment, but real Christians know that those fakers are going to be burning for eternity in Hell right alongside the faggots and those who engage in the demon sport known as dancing.

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You know if you just came out and let yourself be a leather daddy, you wouldn’t need to externalize your issues quite so much.

Joseph Farah, Wing Nut Daily:
Why I’m the world’s most tolerant person

Snrk… Bwahahaha… BAHAHAHAHAHA! I, oh man, pfft. Really? That title? I mean, bwahahahahaha seriously dude? Oh Bob, fuck, my sides, I bwahahahaha *thunk* ouch, too much. Snrk, bwahahahaha-

(Sorry for this readers, let’s just give her a minute to get it out of her system)

Hahahaha who is he kid-snrk?

(Uh, let’s just roll the shorter until she gets back)

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• I’m the most motherfucking tolerant person you know! Sure, I might be throwing a full-blown hissy fit over the indignant notion that the Fox-style pet “liberal” we brought over to serve as our global punching bag and straw-man factory is daring to even lightly call conservatives out on their bullshit, but that just proves that I’m the Jesus fucking Christ of tolerance. I mean, would an intolerant person have a punching bag specifically used to deflect these accusations? Or hate nearly everybody on the planet for daring to not be exactly like me? NO FUCKING WAY! AND I’LL RIP THE THROAT OUT OF ANYONE WHO DARES SAY OTHERWISE! THIS IS MY PLAYGROUND! MINE, MINE, MINE!

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Michelle Malkin and National Review, two great… tastes… that… oh bleeding Hell Christ, is it Judgement Day already?

Michelle Malkin, National Wingnut Reunion Tour:
Obama Lied, My Health Plan Died

Esoteric topics are esoteric?!? Since when?!?

So yeah, last time’s entry might have been a teensy bit inside baseball (And the Understatement of the Year Award goes to…), so let us return once more to the fertile lands of the National Review, which seems to be in the midst of recruiting every single failed shitbag with a halfway recognizable name. Dennis Prager, Michelle Malkin? Why not? Fuck, I give it inside of a year before I’m quoting an Ann Coulter piece coming from these blighted lands.

So how’s ol’ Michelle, mah belladonna, been up to since her glory days of ripping the heads off kittens and pissing in the kiddie pool? Well apparently, like most of the wingnuts of today, whining about the glory days.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Yes, that’s correct, we’re still trying to sell easily disproven lies and scare-tactics against health care reform as if it was still 2009 and we were still relevant. Hey, you try to be relevant in the modern right as a woman of color without turning tricks by the roadside for whatever sugar daddy wanders drunkenly your way!

Oh joy, more Obamacare bullshit. Because if the past 4 years of wingnuts demonstrating just how little they give a shit about actual health care reform and how willing they are to scream bloody murder against even moderate conservative reform of our broken abusive system haven’t actually changed a single mind, then damnitt, they can just do the same things, but EVEN LOUDER!

And for that extra dash of class, we get a title still trying to piss on Bush era liberals as if a) we didn’t turn out to be 100% right about that disastrous war of choice and b) as if it was a good idea to remind people that you were once so attached to Captain Codpiece’s… er… codpiece that you were accused of being a barnacle.
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Moses, another figure who who had a massive asshole moment.

Julia Serano, Whipping Girl Blog:
FAAB-mentality

IMPORTANT ADDITION: When I say this post is about to be inside baseball and esoteric, it turns out what I meant was it’d be a soggy mess of impenetrable minor distinctions that are going to be a lot of foreign terms very fast for those who aren’t currently living the experience of being a trans* person who is connected to a robust queer community. And so I apologize for this. It was an experiment and like most experiments it failed horribly. For those still interested after this warning, I hope you find something to enjoy and that you keep this warning in mind. For those who have already zoomed on ahead, I leave my apologies.

Today’s post is over 6 months old. It’s not by a prominent wingnut. In fact, the author is someone I downright worship and whose other work I cannot recommend more strongly. It’s not some obvious complete failure of empathy like Richard Dawkins’s horrifying defense of child rape. In fact the focus of the post is kind of esoteric and might be a little inside baseball. In complete honesty, it’s not even that egregious of a fuck up really, more an example of how everyone can trip over themselves and be a complete dick every once in a while.

And on top of all that, when I say I worship her, I don’t just mean that I think she’s a good author and done great works, I mean she has my undying gratitude and is possibly my strongest modern heroine. Not only is her seminal work “Whipping Girl”, in my opinion, one of the best works on the subject of transwomen and one of the best trans* non-fiction books ever written and my personal go-to when pointing people to resources on understanding trans* issues (to the point where I usually own three copies at any given time so I can have one on the shelf, one for heavy referencing, and one for loaning out), but… It’s the work that finally junk-punched through my self-denial and got me to accept the obvious truth my brain had been trying to tell me for awhile. Reading Whipping Girl got me to stop diminishing myself and pretending that having a butch physical body meant I wasn’t a woman. It cut through all the societal messages that emphasized transsexual as being of an exaggerated gender performance and grounded arguments in actual biology and self-reported experiences instead of off-putting semi-religious conversations about souls and spirits.

She’s the author who let me start being me and start being open and out to my loved ones about who I am and let me luck out in first exploring my identity in a space where there was strong social support and acceptance. What she provided for me with one little book, I cannot ever hope to pay back.

So why in Bob’s ever-loving spatial taint am I giving her post, the Sadly, No! treatment? When it would be so easy to just walk on past and never reference it. When it’s not that bad and I owe her so much?
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