Sadly, No!

Over at America’s second shittiest website,** Amanda Carpenter tries to fact check “Team Obama.”

One prominent campaign message man has even lied about Obama’s admiration for a critique written by the former terrorist who conducted despicable acts in his youth, about the juvenile justice system.

Obama Spokesman Bill Burton denied Obama ever wrote a favorable review for Ayers’ 1997 book on the juvenile justice system, sarcastically titled “A Kind and Just Parent” in an interview with Fox News Company’s Megyn Kelly Tuesday.

“He did not write a blurb for his book,” Burton said. “He did not.”

If you’re keeping score at home, it may not surprise you to learn that Obama no more wrote a review than he did a blurb for the book. A point Amanda manages to miss completely, since she writes:

Contrary [sic] to what Burton said, a December 1997 article from the Chicago Tribune contains a statement from Obama describing Ayers’ book as “A searing and timely account of the juvenile court system, and the courageous individuals who rescue hope from despair.”

The origin of that statement is:

In 1997, after Mr. Obama took office, the new state senator was asked what he was reading by The Chicago Tribune. He praised a book by Mr. Ayers, “A Kind and Just Parent: The Children of Juvenile Court,” which Mr. Obama called “a searing and timely account of the juvenile court system.” In 2001, Mr. Ayers donated $200 to Mr. Obama’s re-election campaign.

A quote in a newspaper article is neither a blurb nor a book review. But why let that get in the way of accusing Team Obama of “spreading lies”?

* And on the internets, depending on internets, we bet she is definitely in the top 3.
** This, according to Microsoft, is America’s shittiest website:

ABOVE: Jack Cashill

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Jack Cashill, a Wingnut Daily columnist best known for his sublimely ludicrous conspiracy theories — you know, Bill Clinton shot Ron Brown and missiles shot down TWA 800 — has honed homed zeroed in on another theory that is certain to get some of the dimmer wingnuts in the wingnut-o-sphere — we’re looking at you, Bob Owens — more hopped up than a bowl full of meth-dusted Cheetos. According to Cashill, Bill Ayers isn’t just Barack Obama’s best friend forever, occasional fuck buddy, role model, personal chef, close business associate, financial adviser, and party planner, he also was the ghost writer for Obama’s first book Dreams from My Father.

Let’s look at what caused Cashill to reach this astonishing conclusion:

Dreams melds two styles: one, a long-winded accounting of conversations and events, polished just well enough to pass muster; the second, a fierce, succinct and tightly coiled analysis of the events that have been related.

[Ayers’s] Fugitive Days is fierce, succinct and tightly coiled throughout.

Well, Q.fucking.E.D. Other “evidence”: Ayers and Obama grew up in white households, read a few of the same books, gave their children scary Negro names, and were community organizers. And, most telling of all, both used the word “audacity” in their books.

Lacking digitized, full text versions of Dreams or Bill Ayers’ Fugitive Days, I have been reduced to close readings and yellow highlighters.

That much said, a textual comparison of the two books and the additional circumstantial evidence of time, place, means, and motive make Ayers a highly likely candidate for Obama’s ghostwriter.

But since he did the textual comparison with, you know, low-tech yellow highlighters it is impossible for him to share the results of his side-by-side comparison. We’ll just have to take Cashill’s word for it.

Just so you’ll know, I was raised by a white family, spent my teenage years jerking off, and wrote a story using both the words “wad” and “whacking.” By Cashill’s logic, this is definitive proof that I’m the real author of Portnoy’s Complaint, which was also written by a white male who jerked off a lot when he was a teenager and which also uses the words “wad” and “whacking.” Philip Roth owes me everything.

Change vs. Change the Subject

• We can’t rely solely on peddling stupid bullshit if we want to win this time. Instead, John McCain must craft a smart economic program that will benefit the middle cla… oh, who am I kidding? We’re screwed, screwed, screwed!

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

The Real Gary Ruppert:

Freedom in America will fall if Obama is elected. Obama will institute a dictatorship to bring America down and put up a new state where the left is supreme.

Obama was brought up by extremist Muslims, brainwashed farther by a Black Muslim preacher posing as a Christian, he associated with terrorists in the middle of a time when America is at war with terrorism.

This is what the Republican base is, my friends: it’s angry, racially-charged paranoia. And mercifully, I think it’s going to lose big time.

UPDATE: pwn3d:

This also has the virtue of being true. Via.

Biden, the master gasbag

• Sarah Palin needs to lie a lot more if she’s going to succeed in politics.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

[Thanks to reader Chris for the tip.]

ABOVE: Joy McCann (aka Little Miss Attila) with
“Bathsheba” (Yes, she named her pistol.)

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An American Carol was scorched by a talking chihuahua at the box office last weekend, garnering a pathetic $2231 per screen, notwithstanding a concerted “get out the dopes” campaign by InstaCracker and others. Rather than conceding that watching Michael Moore get slapped while he is pooping just wasn’t all that funny, the preposterous Little Miss Attila, who is neither very “little” nor much of a “miss,” blames the movie’s epic thud on — are you sitting down? — a dastardly nationwide conspiracy by liberal teenagers working in shopping mall cineplexes:

Mpower pictures and Vivendi are starting to hear complaints about sabotage of An American Carol by employees of theaters that are carrying the movie. … What we know: in at least ten theaters nationwide, customers were sold tickets they were told were for An American Carol but turned out to be for other movies.

There you have it. An American Carol would have been number one at the box office if a bunch of pizza-faced, terrorist-loving, America-hating, leftist teenagers in cineplexes throughout The Heartland™ hadn’t fraudulently cooked the books to give it to that faggy little dog — and a Mexican dog, at that! With a beaner accent even!

Accomplishing this took, of course, weeks of planning, secret hand-gestures, encrypted codes on tickets, and a few black helicopters:

Obviously, this type of “error” sometimes requires collusion between employees–a way of marking the ticket so that you are sent to the correct theater, even though you’ve been sold the wrong ticket.

Which makes one wonder whether this pasty oaftard parading around as Little Miss Attila has ever actually gone to the movies before, since she clearly imagines that your local cineplex has someone usher you to your seat. Listen, Joy, here’s a free clue from SadlyNo’s special trove of clues just for you. They have signs in the theaters, and after the twelve-year-old tears your stub, you’re on your own and have to read and follow these gigantic signs everywhere.

Of course, the evil teens didn’t stop with the ticket switcheroo, but also engaged in a series of powerful Jedi warrior mind tricks to force potential Carol-goers to see the chihuahua instead:

• The theater suggested that the movie was rated R (its true rating is PG-13);

• Posters for the film are not visible inside or outside the theater;

• An American Carol is not on the marquee, even though the movie is playing there;

• The film title not listed behind the clerk in the box office, so you have to ask if that movie is playing at that theater, never mind that you checked on the internet and called in advance (this actually happened to me);

• Showtimes are given on the theater’s outgoing message machine for every movie playing except for An American Carol (this is also out of my personal experience: somehow the local four-plex only had showtimes listed on the phoneline for three movies . . . . hm);

• technical sabotage: image or focus issues, problems with sound, and the like.

I’m particularly fond of the alleged R-rating gambit, given that anecdotal evidence suggest that most of the twelve people who actually went to see the movie were about a half-century older than 16.

I know that getting hosed by a taco-breathed rat dog hurts, but these wingers need to toughen up and admit that An American Carol was the bigger dog, and not in a good way.

Can someone please tell me how messing with FDIC in the midst of the biggest banking disaster the world has seen since 1929 can possibly be a good idea? I’ve done grunt work in the financial industry before, and I occasionally have Terminator-level Armageddon nightmares about FDIC insolvency. Does no one remember the last time we did this?

I’m really not joking about the nightmare thing – I’ve had actual nightmares about the cockamamie lending practices we’ve been engaging in for the last decade taking out FDIC and giving rise to some sort of Stygian Mad Max-meets-Waterworld dystopia. But then again, I was guilt-stricken all morning because of a fairly intense nightmare I had last night involving me having hired a contract killer to eliminate Yoda with a Kalashnikov. I think I’ve been under too much stress lately. It probably has something to do with being a public school teacher in the state ranked 43^rd in dollars spent per public school student. Not that the mortgage crisis will have an effect on my work – except for the fact that school funding comes primarily from property tax revenues.

Have I mentioned that I need a drink yet today?

The Wright Stuff

• Good, gooooood! Smear Obama as an America-hating Fifth Columnist! Tell Americans that he hates the troops! Let the wingnuttery flow through your veins! You are learning quickly, my young apprentice…

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

So…how’s that $800 billion dollar bailout of the American financial sector working out for the economy, hmm?

Yeah. About that.

The part that has me so nearly speechless about this whole thing is that this is what the market looks like after the Democrats in Congress completely crumbled under the endless whinging from the fascist-fringe of the Republican party to remove all the oversight on how these funds were going to be handled. We essentially just handed a trillion dollars over to the financial sector of the American economy with little more than a “Mazel Tov!”, because we were told if we didn’t, the entire world would implode in a fiery nexus of death*. And this is what the markets look like today.

For reference purposes, I’ve found a training video demonstrating the playbook that Paulson, Bernanke, and Wall Street have used to put this flaming bag of poo on our doorsteps. In this video, Terry Jones plays Hank Paulson, Michael Palin plays Ben Bernanke, and Graham Chapman plays us. Not seen in this clip is George W. Bush, who also plays us.

I don’t even have the energy left to be disgusted at the total spinelessness of the Democratic party in this situation, because I don’t expect any better from them at this point. The party really is an island of suck in an ocean of shit – no one really wants to be stuck on an island of suck, but we all cling to it because we have even less desire to drown in an ocean of shit.

I think I’m going to go drink now.

*For those of you who think the “fiery nexus of death” rhetoric is perhaps outré, please don’t take my word for it. Just watch this: