Below: The most recent item on the official blog of the College Republicans:
Update: This is actually kind of a turkey of a post, so I’m thinking, why not ruin things even further? But we couldn’t post the latest episode of Newsbusted. That’s would be totally beyond the… [CTL-V] Ha ha! Psych.
Ding-dong. Who’s there? Oh my, it’s “Korir” of African Press International, come to explain why he hasn’t released the Michelle Obama ‘White Racists’ tape:
Police: Campaign Worker Admits Making Up Story
PITTSBURGH (KDKA) Police sources tell KDKA that a campaign worker has now confessed to making up a story that a mugger attacked her and cut the letter “B” in her face after seeing her McCain bumper sticker.
Ashley Todd, 20, of Texas, initially told police that she was robbed at an ATM in Bloomfield and that the suspect became enraged and started beating her after seeing her GOP sticker on her car.
Police investigating the alleged attack, however, began to notice…
Oh wait, wrong story. Uh, we’ll be back after these important messages!
Breaking: The claims by Todd that she was “rolled and patted” by a heavily built African American male, who threatened to “put her in the oven with Baby” and himself, have also been recanted, police say.
Update: Dep’t of Whoops-I-Said-It-Again:
B for bitch or for barack? Was she white was the person that did it black? This could very easily be a race war starting. In PA you do not want a race war. White out number blacks by 9 to 1. I pray for the lady. there is not fucking reason for something like this. they need to find the SOB that did this and hang him in public. after branding his face with a big F for fucking piece of shit.
Posted by: unseen at October 23, 2008 04:13 PM
Update:
Attend the tale of Ashley Todd,
Her skin was scratched and her eye was odd…
She told Detectives J.R. Smith and Scott Evans varying stories about how she ended up with two black eyes and a backward letter “B” etched onto her right cheek late Wednesday. She said she remembers being in her car, driving around the city, and seeing the letter on her cheek when she looked into the rearview mirror. She said she immediately thought of Barack Obama when she saw the “B,” Bryant said.
“She said she doesn’t remember doing it but knows it must have been her who did it,” Bryant said.
Minutes later, she told detectives, she was driving around and “came up with a plan” to manufacture a story about being attacked at a Bloomfield ATM by a black man who was enranged by her John McCain bumper sticker.
“Her story changed a lot,” Bryant said.
Ace thinks he’s discovered “the biggest political conspiracy since Watergate,” and works himself up into an epic spaz (“Draw up the impeachment papers. If Obama wins, we should be ready”) — demanding answers, by God, answers, to such questions as:
Where.
Is.
The Fucking.
Cocksucking.
Media.
And:
The hell with the media — Where is the fucking Attorney General?
And then he…
Okay wait. It’s like, you know, I used to imagine that making fun of these people was a constructive act, in a way — that it would influence them toward kind of a banal crisis of self-reflection in which, at least briefly, they’d be able to see themselves as a reasonable Other would see them, and maybe be forced to think about the limits of the received wingnut worldview, and the pitfalls of ideology, and so forth and all that sort of thing. Then I guess I grew up a little and realized that I was just making excuses for making fun of people all the time. That it was really all about my own deficiencies, about pointing out faults in others as a way of working out issues that I was unwilling to explore in myself, or sometimes even to name.
Then I guess I grew up more, because I stopped worrying about why-this and why-that, and began to pay greater attention to the how and what of things, amidst this grand and unencompassable opera, for lack of a more ready metaphor, that we call life. Specifically, how shall I make fun of Ace so that he looks really ding-honk stupid, and what shall be my specific conceit toward this end? Technique, in other words. Architectonics. Ace is, therefore he will be made fun of, on the Internet, by me.
That’s really an ontological statement, yet one which negates ontology, if you see what I mean. I imagine that it’s what Aleister Crowley was getting at with the phrase, “the fall of Because,” and what mystics of related traditions refer to as “crossing the Abyss.” First there is no joke about Ace masturbating glumly to bodybuilding magazines, and then there does exist a joke about Ace masturbating glumly to bodybuilding magazines. Forget about ‘why’ for a moment: How is something created out of nothing? How do you, as it were, get from one side of the Abyss to the other? I imagine it as what they call the demiurge, which in itself obviates the question of ‘why,’ if you follow how that goes. And so on through the topic, etc.
But what I’m getting at is, okay, what’s actually happening here — or, if you would, what a reasonable Other can be imagined as perceiving — is that we have to come up with something new and clever each time Ace runs through the room burping the alphabet, while all Ace has to do to keep up his end is to intake sufficient calories to sustain motor function, and to pop a vitamin now and then to stave off rickets and/or scurvy.
He could, for instance, type OMABA POOPY and send it blazing through the Internet, via the energy expenditure of one poking index finger, and that’s, you know, just Ace being Ace again, like usual. He could type nothing, and you’d still know — you would know — that he’s out there somewhere thinking something nutrageously bonky that he might as well have typed up and put online, for all the difference between his public utterances (“Heh heh, I have just cracked the secret that will bring down the Obama presidency”) and what other people would call daydreaming and wishful thinking (“Heh heh, I’m a secret agent with a watch that can stop time”). Ace doesn’t have to do, it is only necessary that he exist.
By which I mean, I guess I haven’t gotten it all figured out yet, but I picked up a paperback copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and after that, it’s Jonathan Livingston Seagull and I guess that Herman Hesse book. I’m just, like, looking for clues.
1 Cf.
It’s been a while since I’ve linked to Jon Swift. So now I’m going to link to Jon Swift. Please read the whole thing. I still have tears in my eyes.
First they came for Justin Zatkoff, and we did nothing because we were too busy laughing at Justin Zatkoff.
Then they came for Francisco Nava, and we said nothing because we were still too busy laughing at Justin Zatkoff.
This time we shall not falter in the defense of our College Republican brethren and sistern.
So shame, shame, shame on you, Ace of Spades, for doubting this poor Young Republican Field Organizer’s story of. . .um, well, also yeah, the ‘B’ is backwards, like it was written in a mirror almost.
Ooh, shame on you! We’ll so get back to you on this one, Ace, you creep!
Update:
Why that McCain volunteer’s “mutilation” story smells awfully weird
By Michelle Malkin • October 23, 2008 06:43 PM
Michelle Malkin, at long last, madam, have you left no sense of decency?
National Review’s Michelle Easton reports from an alternate universe:
Palin is the most exciting new woman leader in America, and one big reason is that her own accomplishments and personality are what got her the nomination.
Right, if one can count “not being Joe Lieberman” as an accomplishment.
As with John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan, she makes Americans want to know more about her.
As with William Hung and Tom Green, she makes Americans want to know more about her.
Read the rest of this entry »
How much worse can the National Review get? This much worse:
Turning the Page from Campaign Finance Fraud . . . [Andy McCarthy]
What is the deal with Obama’s birth certificate and citizenship status?
Pamela Gellers at Atlas Shrugs raises some apparent shenanigans with the birth certificate the Obama campaign previously produced.
Andy, read over that last sentence again. I’ll do it for you if you like:
Pamela Gellers at Atlas Shrugs raises some apparent shenanigans…
Yeah, see, you gotta just stop right there and back away from the keyboard.
This, Andy, this is whom you’re relying upon to give you factual and accurate information about Barack Obama’s birth certificate:
I’d wonder if the National Review could sink any lower, but when your magazine has a history of praising Francisco Franco, you’ve already started somewhere close to the bottom.
An endorsement for John McCain from an al-Qaeda website surely couldn’t be good for the Arizona senator’s campaign, right? You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you, libtards! In fact, the al-Hesbah website owner’s endorsement of McCain proves that al-Qaeda clearly wants Barack Obama to win, as McCain advisor James Woolsey explains:
This individual knows that the endorsement of people like him is a kiss of death, figuratively and literally. So it seems to me it’s pretty clear that, by making this statement, that he wants — it would be a good thing for McCain to be president, he’s clearly trying to damage John McCain, not speaking from his heart.
Truly, McCain and Co. have dizzying intellects, as this true re-enactment of the McCain-Obama showdown over terrorist endorsements makes clear:
THE MAN, BARACK
All right — where is the Al-Qaeda endorsement? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and the people vote, and we find out who is right and who is dead.MCCAINZINI
But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of Al-Qaeda. Are they the sort of terrorists who would give a poison endorsement to their own preferred candidate, or their enemy’s?[He studies THE MAN, BARACK now.]
MCCAINZINI
Now, a clever terrorist would give the endorsement to his own candidate, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I’m not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of you. But al-Qaeda must have known I was not a great fool; they would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of me.THE MAN, BARACK [with a trace of nervousness]
You’ve made your decision then?MCCAINZINI
Not remotely. Because endorsements come from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of you.THE MAN, BARACK
Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.MCCAINZINI
Wait till I get going! Where was I?THE MAN, BARACK
Australia.MCCAINZINI
Yes — Australia, and you must have suspected I would have known the endorsement’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of me.THE MAN, BARACK [very nervous]
You’re just stalling now.MCCAINZINI [cackling]
You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?[stares at THE MAN, BARACK]
You’ve beaten my Plumber, which means you’re exceptionally un-retarded. So, al-Qaeda could have given the poison endorsement to your candidacy, trusting on your lack of retardation to save you. So I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of you. But you’ve also bested my Alaskan, which means you must have studied past the third grade. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal, so al-Qaeda would have put the poison endorsement as far from your candidacy as possible, so I can clearly not choose the endorsement in front of me.
[As MCCAINZINI’s pleasure has been growing throughout, THE MAN, BARACK’s has been fast disappearing.]
THE MAN, BARACK
You’re trying to trick me into giving away something — it won’t work —MCCAINZINI [triumphant]
It has worked — you’ve given everything away — I know where the endorsement is!THE MAN, BARACK [with fool’s courage]
Then make your choice.MCCAINZINI
I will. And I choose —[And suddenly he stops, points at something behind THE MAN, BARACK.]
MCCAINZINI
What in the world can that be?CUT TO:
[THE MAN, BARACK, turning around, looking.]
THE MAN, BARACK
What? Where? I don’t see anything.CUT TO:
[MCCAINZINI, busily switching the endorsements while THE MAN, BARACK has his head turned.]
MCCAINZINI
Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.[THE MAN, BARACK turns to face him again. MCCAINZINI starts to laugh.]
THE MAN, BARACK
What’s so funny?MCCAINZINI
I’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s read — me from my endorsement, and you from yours.[He picks up his endorsement. THE MAN, BARACK picks up the one in front of him. As they both start to read, MCCAINZINI hesitates a moment. Then, allowing THE MAN, BARACK to go first, he reads his endorsement.]
THE MAN, BARACK
You guessed wrong.MCCAINZINI [roaring with laughter]
You only think I guessed wrong —[laughing louder now]
— that’s what’s so funny! I switched endorsements when your back was turned. You fool!
CUT TO:
[THE MAN, BARACK has nothing he can say. He just sits there.]
CUT TO:
[MCCAINZINI, watching him.]
MCCAINZINI
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is, ‘Never get involved in a land war in Iraq.’ But only slightly less well known is this: ‘Never go in against a Republican when power is on the line!’[He laughs and roars and cackles and whoops and is in all ways quite cheery until his campaign falls over dead.]
[THE MAN, BARACK, steps past the corpse, taking the blindfold and bindings off AMERICUP, who notices MCCAINZINI lying dead. THE MAN, BARACK pulls her to her feet.]
AMERICUP
Who are you?THE MAN, BARACK
I am no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know.[He starts to lead her off the mountain path into untraveled terrain.]
AMERICUP [a final glance back toward MCCAINZINI]
To think — all that time it was your endorsement that was poisoned.THE MAN, BARACK
They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to Republican bullshit.
Shorter Confederate Yankee:
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
1 Scan from bottom to top for best effect to witness Mr. Yankee on his most famous fist-pounding, letter-writing, correction-demanding, angry-headache-suffering rampage against alleged far-fetched claims and sloppy standards of reporting, as it is flagrantly and blatantly committed by blagrant liberals such as the Associated Press, The New York Times, and The New Republic.
The great Rick Perlstein will be appearing at the Boston chapter of Drinking Liberally next Wednesday, October 29 at the Globe Bar and Cafe in Boston, MA. He’ll be there to talk about his most recent book (the brilliant and highly-recommended Nixonland), and also to discuss the fracturing of American society under Richard Nixon, the evolution of Nixonian politics from Reagan to Bush to Sarah Palin, and whether an Obama victory in November will be a sign that Nixonland has run its course.
Perlstein is one of the sharpest writers around today, and you’d be doing yourself a great disservice if you missed this super-awesome chat.
For those of you unfamiliar with his work, here are links to some of his best articles:
If this isn’t incentive enough for you to c’mon down to the Globe Bar and Cafe next Wednesday, then I guess you can get excited about meeting me as well if you haven’t already. Though I won’t be as smart or incisive as Perlstein, I could very well be drunker and almost as entertaining. Either way, it’s win-win.