Neocon Artists Vs. Pansy Division (Armand van Mencken Remix)

Bomp bomp bomp bomp

… It was while Reagan was governor that he was ‘shocked’ to find a closet gay nexus operating under his nose. Lou Cannon’s book Ronnie and Jesse quotes Reagan as responding to this revelation, ‘My God, has government failed?’ After Lyn Nofziger purged the gays, Reagan could joke about it. When Truman Capote visited him, to plead for men on California’s Death Row, he lovably wisecracked: ‘Perhaps we should trawl him [Capote] through the halls to see if any of them are left.’…

Why does the right torture itself about homosexuality? The flagellation is partly a consequence of the overlap between extreme conservatives and the more traditional wing of the Roman Catholic Church. Then there is self-protection — honesty means loss of power, so gays on the right toe the line and gay-bash. [Rep. Robert] Bauman tells of sabotaging a Maryland fair-housing bill because it prohibited discrimination against homosexuals. And Terry Dolan mailed out a NCPAC fund-raising letter (he did object to it, later) that said: ‘Our nation’s moral fiber is being weakened by the growing homosexual movement.’ There is, of course, self-hatred in all this, personal but perhaps ideological. The latter stems from the neurotic identification by some conservatives of homosexual conduct with weakness, cowardice, even treason. To these people, the gay world is a lethal compound of E.M. Forster’s morality, Guy Burgess’s loyalty, and John Maynard Keynes’s economics. See how Jim Bakker squeals, not at the accusations of attempted rape of a female teenager or the actual swindling of a credulous congregation or at Jerry Falwell’s charge that he could not get an erection, but at the mere suggestion that he gave a man the eye! And remember, when William Buckley had just been called a Nazi, what the worst thing was that he could think of to hurl at Gore Vidal.

Yet history speaks of a long and not so surprising connection between homosexuality and the right. One can look to the church and the military. ‘Gay’ has never necessarily meant ‘left.’ Before Yukio Mishima committed ritual suicide after failing to restore fascism in Japan, he wrote in Forbidden Colors that the homosexual should always hate democracy. He argued that gays should identify with the right because they had everything to lose by majority rule. This was also a big theme in the early stirrings of the gay right in Nazi Germany. Other ultra-conservative homosexuals have also ranged themselves with the snobs and with the elitists, just as neo-conservative propagandists like Joseph Epstein and Midge Decter have crudely identified radical homosexuality with decadence and the effete.

The way through this morass is clear. It is marked by a simple signpost reading ‘Out.’ Once Bauman, Dolan, and others acknowledged their homosexuality, they began to evolve politically…

–Christopher Hitchens, ‘The Hate That Dare Not Speak Its Name,’ Harpers, August 1985.

Bomp tsse bomp tsse

The Straussian school places homosexuality (‘sodomy’, as it insists upon terming it) under a rigorous ban. Not only does homosexual practice attack the root of family values but it erodes patriotism and the other manly virtues. Harry Jaffa, who collaborated with [Allan] Bloom on books about Shakespeare’s politics, later denounced Bloom as a gay proselytizer for the sapping of the American morale….

Whether you are a creationist like Pat Robertson, or a Catholic like Pat Buchanan, or a materialist believer in ‘Natural Law’ like Jaffa and others, you can’t avoid the fact that the creator, or the Divinity, or Nature, or Evolution, has evidently mandated that there be a certain quite large number of homosexuals. The proportion may seem to fluctuate, as do attitudes towards it, which is why the classical and traditional schools have so much trouble with their attitude toward Greek antiquity. But there it is, like a lion in the path of the anti-humanists. They cannot, without admitting to the chaos of their worldview, seriously affirm that men and women are simultaneously designed to be sick and commanded to be well. So they take refuge in various confected ‘laws’, and, when these inevitably break down, they resort to simple-minded denial….

–Christopher Hitchens, ‘Bloom’s Way,’ The Nation, May 15, 2000.

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Shorter Nick Kristof


Above: Missionary of Crapitalism

“Where Sweatshops Are a Dream”

  • He who builds a sweatshop builds a temple; he who toils there worships there. Only a misguided do-gooder would come between a man and his, as it were, God.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


MOAR: You too can apply the Kristof Principle, which he advocates for the Third World, next time you see a homeless person on the streets here in America. First ask yourself, would this homeless person be happier getting paid a nickel an hour, inevitably getting his fingers chopped off and inhaling brain-damaging solvents just to produce, say, tennis shoes? Of course! I mean, compared to homelessness, this is like a trip to Disneyland! Also, the homeless person is getting paid nothing now, and he might lose fingers to frostbite and brain cells to cheap booze without transnational capital or Western consumers having anything to show for it! Obviously, then, the answer is to destroy the battery of U.S. law dealing with workplace safety, the minimum wage, overtime regulations, etc., etc. Only then will such people, living in squalor, be elevated to a position of marginally better squalor.

But here’s the best part: For advancing the Kristof Principle, which by sheer magic perfectly dovetails with the longstanding goal of libertarians, conservatives, multinational corporations, and robber barons to race to the bottom of the global labor pool, you get to call yourself a “liberal.” No wait! Even better, you get to call yourself a “humanitarian.” And not only do you get to sleep so much better at night, you get to use the ultimate trump card of craptastic journalism: you get to call yourself a “contrarian,” a title you’ve earned by “showing” how the anti-globalization Left, with their so-called “labor standards,” are the real menace to the Third World. Enjoy your Pulitzers!

 

Shorter Star Parker

star_parker

Obama Has Little in Common with Lincoln

  • People should stop making outrageous comparisons between Obama and Lincoln because Lincoln, unlike Obama, was opposed to abortion and big government.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


 

Shorter Doug TenNapel

tennapel

Today Is National Sanctity of Life Day

  • How dare the Democrats stage inauguration festivities in Washington on a day that President Bush declared as “National Sanctity of Life Day”? The only good thing to be said about it, I suppose, is that at least the Democrats will be so busy inaugurating Obama that they won’t have time to murder any womb babies.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


 

This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You

peter_and_helen

ABOVE: Unphotoshopped image of Peter and
Helen Evans


Peter and Helen Evans, the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie of Renew America, have a question they want answered: “Won’t someone give a true definition of torture?” And, of course, who better to give that answer than the Evanses themselves? If I wanted such a definition, clearly the best people to give it would be two real estate agents who have studied the question carefully by watching a few episodes of 24:

Let’s consider the little kid who maliciously pulls the wings off flies, who burns ants with a magnifying glass. The kid may just want to see what will happen to the creatures he torments. But when he gets a thrill out of the power and control over the helpless creatures, that’s torture.

Tell that to the flies and ants, of course, who may not really care whether junior is a budding Dr. Frist or a Jack Bauer wannabe.

But, of course, Peter and Helen aren’t really going to try to draw an analogy between pulling the wings off flies to, say, knee-capping humans, are they? They aren’t really going to say that it’s okay to pull someone’s fingernails out as long as you don’t enjoy it, are they? Sadly, yes:

So, while we are glued to the screen watching Jack Bauer interrogate a suspect with “his own methods,” which some might consider torture, we always see that he stops when they tell him what he needs to know. He’s not enjoying it, and he’s not punishing. That would be torture.

So, let’s say Peter and Helen screwed someone in a real estate deal and then the victim waterboarded them in his basement. That wouldn’t be torture if the purpose of the waterboarding was to teach them a lesson and make an example of them. It would only be torture if he enjoyed it.

And for you snarky SadlyNauts who claim that it was torture for me to make you click through the link to Peter and Helen’s article, or to make you look at their picture, well, let me just say that it hurts me to make you do that more than it hurts you. Truly.

 

Shorter Ramesh Ponnuru

ponnuru_obama

Going Overboard with Obama Souvenirs

  • For the life of me, I just don’t understand why the inauguration of Obama, who was elected by a seven-percent margin, generates more excitement and souvenirs than did the inauguration of George W. Bush, who lost the popular vote and was appointed by the Supreme Court. And if Ben & Jerry’s can have a “Yes We Pecan” flavor for Obama, what happened to a “Heckuva Job Fudge Brownie” flavor for Bush?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


 

WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!

I got a new AlterNet piece up that I think you might find amusing. It’s about what Red Dawn can teach us about Bush-era foreign policy. Excerpt:

What a Cheesy 1980s Teen-Flick Can Teach Us About the Bush Doctrine

By Brad Reed, AlterNet.

[…]

Just what is it about Red Dawn that sends a thrill up conservatives’ legs? Well the plot of the film, such as it is, revolves around the Soviet and Cuban armies invading and occupying the Colorado town of Calumet (Population: fewer than 8,000) and senselessly slaughtering patriotic Yankees who prove unwilling to part with their private property.

(Why the Soviets would need to use several tanks and helicopters to occupy such a small town in the middle of nowhere is never really explained. Presumably, the godless city-dwellers on the coasts failed to pose any resistance as they were too busy throwing surrender parades to honor their new overlords, thus leaving the burden of starting an anti-Commie resistance movement to the red-blooded Amur’kins living in the Heartland.)

The film’s first scene, appropriately enough, revolves a black history teacher who foolishly tries to negotiate with the Commie troopers as they parachute into the high school parking lot at the start of the invasion. Indeed, the silly diplomatic teacher is barely able to speak a complete sentence to the communist invaders before they viciously open fire on him and blow him away. This opening sequence nicely illustrates one of the chief principles of Bush-era conservatism: That America is being made weak by effete intellectuals who put too much emphasis on their talkin’ and their learnin’ when they should be doin’ more a-killin’.

As you can imagine, this recession is not being all too kind to the freelance writing market. So while your clicks over at my AlterNet stuff are always gratefully welcome and appreciated, they will be even more gratefully welcome and appreciated this time around. Thanks.

Also:

***WOLVERINES!!!1!1!!!!***


UPDATE: As if on cue:

Movie Blegging [John J. Miller]

What are the best conservative movies of the last 25 years?

This cinema epoch begins roughly with the release of Red Dawn in 1984. I’d like the opinions of Cornerites. Email your suggestions to me at nrorocks — at — yahoo.com. Send as many as you like, but please make sure to include at least a line or two of explanation.

The fruits of your labors will become apparent within the next few weeks.

Memo to Jonah: No need to email me about Groundhog Day.

Even if the economy were in tip-top shape, my mini-career as a freelance parodist of wingnuttery would be in danger because they do an amazing job of parodying themselves.

 

America’s Shittiest Advertisement™

Wingnut websites have always been a fertile field for advertisers who want to prey on the particularly idiotic. World Net Daily is a veritable cornucopia of ads for get-rich-quick schemes or how to get-buff-fast without weights, diets or exercise. This, of course, is why we can deduce that most wingnuts are fat and poor and live in basements on diets of pizza slices, Cheetos with onion dip, Ho Ho cakes, and 72 oz. Slurpees.

I think, however, that this ad from America’s Shittiest Website™ really has to take the Ho Ho cakes, the Twinkies and the Zagnut bar:

republican_grants

Here’s where clicking the ad will take you. And, quelle surprise, there’s not a thing about free money for Republicans, just a tout to give information about various grant programs, none of which involve giving money to Republicans just because they are Republicans. This is not to say that the Bush administration hasn’t given money to cronies for precisely that reason, but no one who clicks through these links is going to get any of that money, and certainly not after next Tuesday.

Instead, the folks at America’s Shittiest Website™, after a 6-month fundraiser that netted them $12 or so from their income-challenged readers, are trying to keep their free market boat afloat by selling advertisers the right to scam their gullible readers with come-ons that promise government giveaways. Hey yokel! Are you Republican? The Federal Government will give you money just because you’re a patriotic Republican! For free!! No need to pay it back. Go buy yourself that 70″ plasma that you’ve been drooling over! With government money. No, it’s not welfare, because you earned it just by being Republican!

In fairness, I suppose, to Jonah the Whale, K-L(odious), Victoribus Davisopolous Thermopylae Hansenarides, the Ass Derby(shire) and the others at ASW™, they’ve all been on wingnut welfare for so long that maybe they actually believe that there are special grants to help trailer-park and basement dwelling Republicans pay for their snack food habits and dial-up connections.

 

Also, Pardons Were Granted To Staffers ‘Not Me’ And ‘Ida Know’

Ex-Bush aide takes blame for ‘Mission Accomplished’

Bush delivered a speech on board the USS Abraham Lincoln in 2003.


(CNN) – It’s a moment President Bush has repeatedly called a mistake: Delivering a speech on board the USS Abraham Lincoln in the Spring of 2003 with a “Mission Accomplished” banner featured prominently behind him.

But the much-maligned photo-op wasn’t the president’s fault at all, according to former White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett.

Bartlett, currently a political analyst with CBS, said Tuesday he was the one who actually gave the final go-ahead of the event.

“Quite frankly, yours truly was the guy who actually signed off,” he said Tuesday. “I regret it to this day, because it did send the wrong message.”

In his final press conference Monday, Bush immediately cited the moment when asked by a reporter what mistakes he had made over the last eight years.

“Clearly, putting a ‘mission accomplished’ on an aircraft carrier was a mistake,” he said. “We were trying to say something differently but, nevertheless, it conveyed a different message.”

Bush has also previously defended the banner as pertaining to the mission of the crew on board the Aircraft carrier, not the Iraqi invasion as a whole.

Still, Bartlett credited Bush Tuesday for not blaming his staff for the misstep.

“[That’s] why he endears so much loyalty from people like myself and others who had worked for him,” Bartlett said.

Um, heh.

Let’s just go totally hypothetical here. Let’s imagine a world in which news organizations such as CNN are routinely outmatched in historical memory by liberal comedy blogs.

Because it seems as though this story used to be told a bit differently, doesn’t it? Here’s where ‘White House officials’ stood on the matter as of May 16th, 2003:

Keepers of Bush Image Lift Stagecraft to New Heights
By ELISABETH BUMILLER

WASHINGTON, May 15 — George W. Bush’s “Top Gun” landing on the deck of the carrier Abraham Lincoln will be remembered as one of the most audacious moments of presidential theater in American history. But it was only the latest example of how the Bush administration, going far beyond the foundations in stagecraft set by the Reagan White House, is using the powers of television and technology to promote a presidency like never before.

[…]

The most elaborate — and criticized — White House event so far was Mr. Bush’s speech aboard the Abraham Lincoln announcing the end of major combat in Iraq. White House officials say that a variety of people, including the president, came up with the idea, and that [Scott Sforza, a former ABC producer who worked for Dan Bartlett] embedded himself on the carrier to make preparations days before Mr. Bush’s landing in a flight suit and his early evening speech.

Media strategists noted afterward that Mr. Sforza and his aides had choreographed every aspect of the event, even down to the members of the Lincoln crew arrayed in coordinated shirt colors over Mr. Bush’s right shoulder and the “Mission Accomplished” banner placed to perfectly capture the president and the celebratory two words in a single shot. The speech was specifically timed for what image makers call “magic hour light,” which cast a golden glow on Mr. Bush.

But then we learned that this must all have been some kind of crazy, elaborate fib, for the fault belonged to the crew of the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln:

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary

October 28, 2003

President Holds Press Conference
Press Conference by the President
The Rose Garden

[…]

Q: Mr. President, if I may take you back to May 1st when you stood on the USS Lincoln under a huge banner that said, “Mission Accomplished.” At that time you declared major combat operations were over, but since that time there have been over 1,000 wounded, many of them amputees who are recovering at Walter Reed, 217 killed in action since that date. Will you acknowledge now that you were premature in making those remarks?

THE PRESIDENT: Nora, I think you ought to look at my speech. I said, Iraq is a dangerous place and we’ve still got hard work to do, there’s still more to be done. And we had just come off a very successful military operation. I was there to thank the troops.

The “Mission Accomplished” sign, of course, was put up by the members of the USS Abraham Lincoln, saying that their mission was accomplished. I know it was attributed some how to some ingenious advance man from my staff — they weren’t that ingenious, by the way.

Neither was Scott McClellan, as it were:

Bush Steps Away From Victory Banner
October 29, 2003

[…]

After the news conference, the White House press secretary, Scott McClellan, carefully elaborated on the president’s words.

The banner ”was suggested by those on the ship,” he said. ”They asked us to do the production of the banner, and we did. They’re the ones who put it up.”

The man responsible for the banner, Scott Sforza, a former ABC producer now with the White House communications office, was traveling overseas on Tuesday and declined to answer questions. He is known for the production of the sophisticated backdrops that appear behind Mr. Bush with the White House message of the day, like ”Helping Small Business,” repeated over and over.

Well, okay. So in a manner of speaking, CNN was correct in reporting that Mr. Bush had repeatedly called the Mission Accomplished banner a mistake.

Maybe one day a mistake will be discovered that is genuinely the fault of President Bush, and if we find one, we’ll be sure to write it down on the Internet so that CNN can include it in a story.

 

Hindenfreude: A John Hinderaker Triple-Header

It’s Not About Gaza

  • Here is a video of British Muslims yelling at police. Like the Nazis, one day they will try to kill us.

It’s Really Really Cold Out There!

  • The flat terrain lately underscores the fact that 2008 was the final gasp of the Round Earth so-called Theory, which is a conspiracy to bankrupt us.

Child Abuse In Gaza

  • Someone sent me a link to sixteen seconds of old Israeli TV footage that shows Hamas gunmen hauling children off to be eaten during sex orgies, or however it’s labeled this time around.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


Bonus Paul Mirengoff:

“Gaza in Belgium”

  • Here is a report on Muslim riots in Belgium written by an official of the white supremacist Vlaams Belang party a former Antwerp police official and city councilman who is a victim of that city’s “Islamization.”

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™