Sadly, No!

Could we, as a nation, come together and demand that Republicans at least pretend to be interested in governing for a set minimum after taking office before they set aside massive blocks of time for hobbies like fake ranching or mentoring the buff?

The state of Caulifornia, deemed so fiscally hopeless it cried out for a Recall, has apparently undergone a miraculous and thorough recovery. That can be the only explanation the Gropenfuhrer suddenly has enough spare time to edit two muscle mags.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has accepted a new role for his busy schedule, that of executive editor of “Muscle & Fitness” and “Flex” magazines … The former Mr. Universe, who took office in November with California engulfed in fiscal crisis, will officially announce his new job on Saturday when he attends the annual Arnold Fitness Weekend in Columbus, Ohio, said spokesman Rob Stutzman. “He has clearly demonstrated that he is fully engaged with the problems facing the state but he is going to continue certain relationships,” Stutzman told reporters in a conference call.

Sorry, Fleischer-like spokesbot, but until the Gropenfuhrer delivers on his election promise to investigate multiple claims he used women for power-squeezing apparatus, he simply does not have the time to throw on his old leopard-print banana sock and hit the bodybuilding circuit again. He did, after all, cite the heavy demands of governing as the main reason he was cancelling delaying an investigation: “right now, I’m focusing on this [solving fiscal problems] and there is no investigation.”

(As we all know, it’s not the raw poundage of humanity one assaults that’ll burn your ass but the reps.) And say, wouldn’t it be nice if the conservative Sex Police diverted resources from their unremitting dragnet on consenting adults in loving, same-sex relationships to an elected leader credibly accused of serial, often violent, assault and harassment of women? (By credibly, I refer to women not coached by and on Boss Scaife’s gargantuan payroll for right wing dirty tricksters.)

As the state faces a multibillion budget shortfall, Stutzman said the governor would only spend a nominal amount of time as executive editor of the publications, where he will attempt to promote healthy lifestyles

I guess it all depends on how many fatties they’re passing around that day. Isn’t it odd that President Butch’s War on Steroids, his latest diversion from his chair-kicking 98-pound weakling of an economy and bogus pre-emptive war has intensified the Barry Bonds witchhunt but left Arnold the Bawd relatively unscathed? I’m sure Rethug apologists will cry out that it’s a stretch to associate steroid use with the pristine sport of bodybuilding, but going by some brutal closeups, if the stories are true that one side effect is the testicles receding into the body, Arnie’s former ‘nads are resting comfortably in his eye sockets.

[T]he magazines have agreed to donate $250,000 (135,500 pounds) annually to the governor’s Council on Physical Fitness.

Is it being sent in coin so the Gropenfuhrer’s counting squad can work their lats?

Sadly, No!’s other best friend, young Kyle “Pugsly” Williams, is now channeling the spirit of Criswell (“Remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future”), and making astounding psychic predictions:

I’m predicting that John Kerry is going to lose, and he’s definitely not going to lose by election 2000 margins. There are many reasons why we won’t see a President Kerry:

First, he’s not a very attractive guy.

Well, not attractive to Kyle, who goes more for the Rush Limbaugh type. But arguably more attractive THAN Kyle (and Kerry has at least graduated from high school, which most woman like in a man).

Furthermore, the guy is boring. As Peggy Noonan wrote, “When he speaks ? Mr. Kerry is boring.”

Well, if Peggy says it, it must be true. (We will refrain from mentioning the scientific finding that it takes one to know one.)

Kyle’s second reason that Bush will win is that Kerry has missed a lot of Senate votes this year, and before that, he voted for a lot of stuff over lots of years. Sometimes he even voted for things that, over time, have proven to be not-so-hot, like “No Child But Kyle Left Behind,” and so Kerry speaks out against them. Which to Kyle is a bad thing, because he feels that a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of a great President.

Point three is that Kerry “doesn’t campaign on any real issues” except that Bush sucks. Some may say that’s the only issue he needs, but they aren’t Kyle Williams, who wants a candidate who will outlaw gay marriage while wearing a form-fitting flight suit. Now THAT’s a real issue.

Fourth, the Kerry campaign offers no optimism. Instead of simply saying, “America has been doing well, but I think we can do better,” Kerry continually downplays our achievements and generally lies about the economy and unemployment ? it’s a very pessimistic view of life.

A doom and gloom, “sky is falling” attitude has never been accepted by Americans. We are an optimistic people.

Yes, Americans are an optimistic people who want to look for a pony in the wastes of the Bush Administration for four more years.

We are a cheerful, sunny-tempered, gullible people who walk around with our fingers in our ears signing “la la la, I can’t hear you” when people try to tell us about the economy, unemployment, the deficit, the overextended military, and the fact that we can’t save social security by mining for gold on Mars.

And because Americans don’t want to hear that the sky is falling, even if it fell on some of their fellow citizens and took away their jobs, they will vote for Bush. Well, the ones with that can-do attitude which comes from billions in the bank and a president who gives them tax cuts will vote for him.

Lastly, because of Kerry’s campaign being anti-Bush, they are overflowing with hate-filled rage against the GOP and the current president. The campaign offers no hope, no assurance of getting through these times; rather, they attack the president, blaming him for everything that has gone wrong since he took office.

Well, everything the president has DONE wrong since he took office.

And I’d say that the hope offered to those people overflowing with hate-filled rage is that if Kerry is elected, then Bush won’t be President anymore. And that’s certainly chunky chicken with rice soup for the soul during these trying times.

Sadly, No!’s bestest friend Amber has a new column out. It’s about how Martha Stewart was convicted of a crime she didn’t even commit. (Attempted insider trading? Now honesty, what is that? Do they give out a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?)

Well, as you know, Martha was actually convicted of lying to authorities, conspiracy, and obstruction of justice. But Amber considers the whole thing to be a witch hunt, and is outraged that Martha is being burned at the stake when it’s clear that Martha is not made of wood, and does not weigh the same as a duck.

Amber says:

The government has no business regulating ?insider trading? in the first place ? it is something the market itself can regulate on its own. The scandal around her is ridiculous ? more ridiculous that she is going to jail over it.

Hmm, so if Corporate insiders and their friends and family members are allowed to use confidential information about significant corporate developments in order to make profits that aren’t possible for non-insiders (or to avoid losses while the other investors lose their shirts), the market will regulate itself when “regular folks” refuse to invest in the securities market anymore, the stock market crashes, the insiders all jump from skyscraper windows, we have an economic depression, but then there’s a war, the economy picks up, and everybody is happy again. Okay, works for me.

And it is kind of astounding that Martha could do jail time for lying, when so many other people are guilty of the same thing. But maybe she will get her conviction overturned like Oliver North did — I wonder if Sean Hannity would spearhead the effort to pardon Martha if Amber asked him to.

I?ve avoided writing on this topic, because the witch-hunt against Stewart is too unbearable for me to handle. This case is evidence of what Ayn Rand called a hatred of the good for being good. Stewart is not being dragged through this hell because of her vices but because of her virtues.

Aw, poor Amber — I guess seeing an objectivist heroine being brought down this way is terribly traumatic for her, especially since Martha will probably turn to lesbianism while in prison. If only Seb were around to help Amber through this trying time.

Yes, we said we’d be around but too busy to post. And we were (and will be going away on Monday) — until this was delivered to Amber Pawlik’s inbox:

From: [@scim.net]
Subject: Amber.pawlik, upgrade your Peni$! Mu
Date: Sat, 06 Mar 2004 18:59:21 +0000
To: Amber.pawlik

Amber, say it ain’t so!

It seems the Plame grand jury has requsted all kinds of things, to include Air Force One phone records and the guest list for a party honoring Gerald Ford. How does the White House feel about it all?

White House officials said that neither Bush nor Chief of Staff Andrew H. Card Jr. had forbidden aides called by the grand jury from invoking the Fifth Amendment.

Just in case anyone was, you know, guilty, or wanted to take the fall for somebody who was guilty but vital to our War on Terror and John Kerry.

Okay, I just spent some time on Google and learned how to do indents with Movable Type (with Radio User, you just push a button and they appear).

I apologize for the earlier, hard-to-read italics used instead of indents, and now that I know the secret, I won’t do it again. Like I said, this will be a learning experience for us all.

And yes, we all miss Seb a lot right now.

Spike TV finally comes up with a program for the man who is sick and tired of being demeaned by “SpongeBob SquarePants” and “Dora the Explorer”.

A television producer tired of seeing conservatives portrayed as zealots and “boobs” has helped create a new animated series featuring a journalist “passionate about the right-wing cause.”

“This Just In,” debuting March 14 on Spike TV at 10:30 p.m. Eastern and Pacific, will feature freelance columnist Brian Newport, tabbed as a Matt Drudge-like figure who “says what everybody’s thinking” with “no filter.”

A cartoon where the main character is Matt Drudge-like Rush Limbaugh? Sign me up for that!

The cartoon character, according to Spike TV, notably won an award for a column titled “If Ann Coulter is a man, then I don’t want to be straight!”

Well, since Matt isn’t straight, I guess we have our answer as to Ann’s gender.

Newport, in his late twenties, hangs out with buddies Craig Tindle, a “house-husband,” and Jimmy Townhouse, a teacher, described as Newport’s best friend and a moderate Democrat who “constantly has to apologize for his pal’s occasionally over-the-top opinions and actions,” according to a description on the Spike TV website.

The lead character, says Spike TV, is “outspoken, opinionated, unabashedly politically conservative and quick to crack an inappropriate joke.” Newport “is both the center of the hurricane and the cause of it. A speak first, think second, apologize eventually kind of guy … you can always count on Newport to either say what everybody’s thinking, or what everybody wishes he wouldn’t say at all.”

But with that description, doesn’t Newport come off as somewhat of a “boob,” cast in contrast to the refined sensibilities of his “moderate Democrat” friend?

No, says Marmel, “the jokes fall where they fall.”

“The only people who think this guy is a boob are the people who are boobs on the other side of the equation,” he said.

Let me get this straight: Newport “is quick to crack an inappropriate joke.” He is “the cause” of the hurricane. “A speak first, think second” kind of guy whose friends are always having to apologize for him. But the only ones who think he’s a boob are the liberal boobs — to everybody else, Newport is a breath of fresh air, a hero who “says what everybody’s thinking,” thus sparing them the effort of having to make articulate noises.

So, this cartoon takes place in an alternative universe where loudmouthed, rude, bombastic, jerks are admired by all (except boobs). The Fox News universe.

Ten Reasons to Hate Sean Hannity

That’s the title of a TechCentralStation column by some guy. His thesis is that since Sean Hannity invited Utah Democratic Party Chairman Donald Dunn on the radio after Dunn said that Hannity was “a pimp for the GOP,” that if only he [the guy] said mean things about Sean, then maybe Sean would invite him on his radio show, and he could plug his book and people might remember his name. But of course, the guy loves Sean way too much to actually say anything bad about him, so his top two reasons to hate the handsome, witty, and studly Sean are

(1) Sean’s books sell more copies than mine
(2) Sean gave my daughter VD.

Okay, his real second reason was something like “Sean never invites me to plug my book on his show, and never invites me to sleepovers at his house.”

The guy concludes his piece with:

I will leave it up to you to come up with the other eight reasons — and you are free to call up and ask a Democrat friend to help you out with your list, if you prefer.

So, I’m proposing one of those wildly popular Sadly, No! contests, where you come up with some reasons to hate Sean Hannity.

Here are a few I thought up:

1. Because his hair looks like the evil, possessed hair that murdered people on that Simpson’s Halloween ep.

2. He wrote a book called Deliver Us from Evil : Defeating Terrorism, Despotism, and Liberalism.

3. “Hannitize.” ‘Nuff said.

4. Sean’s radio site is currently running a poll asking “Is God on America’s Side?” Your choices are “yes” or “no.” (Interestingly enough, right now, with 235,969 votes, the results are running 50/50 — I suspect this means that some naughty liberals are messing with Sean’s poll.)

5. I just hate him, okay?

Anyway, here’s your chance to help out that nameless TechHappyTime Station guy to complete his list of ten reasons to hate Sean, AND win a cool prize for yourself (which Mr. No! will give you when he gets back). So, enter now. Operators are standing by.

Hi. I just wanted to see if this works. If it doesn’t, then shooting Seb was all a waste of time.

Anyway, while no one can ever replace Mr. No!, I will do my best over the next month or so while he is away to make you really miss him. It will be a growing experience for us all.

–s.z.

Last month, we found ourselves taking an unexpected and unannounced break from the demanding work that is posting to Sadly, No! because of an undisclosed medical condition. We’d hoped our hospital stay, however brief it turned out to be, would be sufficient.

Sadly, No!

Unfortunately, we will soon require more quality hospital time. Unfortunatelier, we will be away much longer this time around. (It’s hard to say exactly how long, but it’s likely to be a month or so.) However, we would not think of abandoning you for so long. Doing so would quite obviously have very serious (and harmful) effects on a number of people, especially the loyal Frederick, who might then be forced to spend more time with his family, or, horror of horrors, working.

Which is why we’ve arranged for a trio of guest bloggers to keep you entertained. They are (in alphabetical order:)

Blair, a friend of S,N! and our most reliable source of interesting news stories for posts. Blair was delighted when we asked if he would help while we are away, responding to our email with:

I will be [away] from March 11-15, but otherwise I will be glad to try to post things of interest just so you will shut the fuck up and leave me
alone.

Thanks Blair — you’re a real pal!

Regular commentor and Amber groupie Peanut, whose witty observations on life and politics have earned her millions of fans, if you count the multiple personalities of Meghan Cox-Gurdon and the email correspondents of Andrew Sullivan.

s.z. from World O’Crap, who is no stranger to anyone with an internet connection. She didn’t just agree to help, she promised to make it exciting:

I plan to make it my mission to get the Secret Service interested in you while you’re away. I’ll tell you more about that later.

How could we say no to that?

Of course, handing things over to these three is a bit like the old and overweight [not that we’re either of course] shortstop on your local softball team telling you he’s leaving and that he’s gotten Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez to sub for him while he’s away. You may like your regular shortstop, but it should be obvious you’ll do more than fine with the replacements. We ask that you treat them (well, two of them at least) like the ladies Amber Pawlik strives to be, and we look forward to going back to our gratuitous cheap shots and sophomoric jokes once we return.

We’ll be on the road until tomorrow, and technically around this weekend though otherwise preoccupied. And remember, starting next week this will no longer be your father’s Sadly, No! Instead, it will be our myrmidons’ Sadly, No!

Thanks, and see you soon.