Sadly, No!

NewsMax has an exciting new ad up that promises to teach me how to impale people using “knives, pens, pencils… even paper clips!”

I naturally wanted to learn more, so I decided to click the link. Here’s what I found:

I gotta admit, this is a pretty brilliant business plan. See, most of the time when you sell people bogus products that don’t work, they’ll bitch and moan and demand their money back. But in this case, when some idiot decides to test out his newly-acquired martial arts skills by attacking a gang of skinhead bikers with fucking paperclips, he’ll just end up dead and you’ll never have to pay back a single cent. Like I said, brilliant idea.

Wait – it gets even better!

Better than killing people with paper clips? My God, man, how?!!?!! YOU MUST TELL ME!!!!!!

You can learn these “unbeatable” skills in an afternoon? and use them to be LETHAL with a knife, and truly SCARY with anything else you can get your hands on? including keys, pencils, broken glass and literally hundreds of other items that will always be around when you to TAKE SOMEONE OUT from across the room…

Wasting motherfuckers from across the room WITH MY CAR KEYS!??! It’s my innermost dream! Tell me more!!!
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This is bloody hilarious. I love the General (in a totally manly heterosexual way, of course).

I’ve decided to start debunking some of the misleading “War on Christmas” stories posted on WorldNetDaily. It’s a big pain in the ass, but I don’t wanna let MediaMatters do all the work. Let’s start with this one, called “Housing Officials ‘Cancel’ Christmas”:

Managers in charge of two federally subsidized housing facilities have told residents in one case they cannot sing Christmas carols, and in another they can’t decorate their own entry doors with religious symbols, according to a religious-liberty law firm.

This is what I love about WorldNetDaily’s so-called “reporting”: throughout the entire piece they rely on one source, the Liberty Foundation, for all their information. They never even bother contacting the accused institutions to get their side of the story.
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Excelsior! It’s more liberal holiday gifts from our wingnut Weblog Award colleagues, Six Meat Buffet.

Unfortunately (woo!) we’ve not only seen that idea before, but they’re trying to antagonize us by using one of our very own evil cat minions.

“Hspfth. I did not authorize that picture.”

We know, cat minion. Here, have a piece of Holiday Tofurky®.

“Ach, Tofurky again? Ve are quite zick-und-tired of always Tofurky!”

But kitties, what then can a liberal serve for a Holiday dinner?

Item 230-55-720 – ‘Tofobster’

From the cold waters of New England comes… But wait — save the boiling-alive for our ‘New Europe’ ally, Uzbekistan. This rice-paper-shelled mock-crustacean might look like Homarus americanus, but it’s strictly Homarus ameri-Veggus! Stuffed with tender, delicious soy filling (yes, you can eat every morsel), all you’ll need is a bib and a chafing dish of melted soy butter to give your Holiday dinner a visit from Santa “Claws!”

Also available:

Item 230-55-728 – ‘Tofoyster’

Sold Out!

Here’s an insightful, erudite conversation between Bill O’Reilly and former NBC News correspondent Jackson Bain:

O’REILLY: All right, well, listen, Jackson, we respect your opinion, but you’re dead wrong on this one. Now.

BAIN: Well, maybe.

O’REILLY: In the South, Richmond Times, for example.

BAIN: Right.

O’REILLY: Now this is a conservative city, Richmond. I mean, this is not Madison, Wisconsin, where you expect those people to be communing with Satan up there in the Madison, Wisconsin media.

BAIN: Sure.

A couple of things here.

First of all, I simply cannot believe that when O’Reilly accused people in Madison of worshipping the devil, the only thing Bain said in response was, “Sure.” Ladies and gentlemen, this is why we have been losing the national dialogue to these fucking nutbags- because we don’t challenge them when they accuse us of fucking communing with Satan. It may seem like a relatively obvious point, but it’s been lost on a lot of our supposed liberal media bretheren.

Second, what the fuck. If I had my own television show, do you think I could get away with calling people in Richmond a bunch of sub-retarded hicks, the same way O’Reilly accused Madisonians of being Satanists? How the hell did we get to the point when moron right-wing blowhards can go unchallenged when they accuse entire communities of worshipping the devil?

Moving on…
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I weep when I think that this man is the world’s most popular blogger:

Boot notes that quite a few people are playing fast-and-loose with definitions on torture, and I think that’s right. There’s true torture — involving, as Boot says, “fingernails pulled, electric shocks applied, sharp objects put where they don’t belong” — and then there’s other stuff. Complaints about U.S. forces basically involve “other stuff.”

In the interest of some clarity, Andrew Sullivan invokes a legal definition of torture, which is progress. But does he think it includes things like fake menstrual blood, and being wrapped in the Israeli flag?

Because he’s made much of those things. If he thinks they fall within the legal definition, then he’s not very serious. If he doesn’t think they fall within the legal definition, then — given his repeated treatment of those subjects as “torture” — he’s not very serious.

I’ll concede that these tactics may or may not fit the legal definition of torture. The key is whether smearing fake menstrual blood on a prisoner’s face causes “severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental“. Since such techniques are designed specifically to induce shame by violating the subjects’ religious taboos, I think they could conceivably be deemed torture.

But regardless of whether they fall under the legal definition, I think all decent people can agree that such tactics are wholly abusive and should not be enacted by the United States government. And if Glenn Reynolds is giving these techniques a rubber stamp, then he’s not very decent.

Via NewsMax, I found this lovely pro-torture advertisement paid for by a group called the Center for Individual Freedom. Let’s take a look:

Dear Friend:

“Sen. John McCain… said Sunday he will refuse to yield on his demands that the White House agree with his proposed ban on the use of torture to extract information from suspected terrorists.”

“‘I won’t,’ he said on NBC’s ‘Meet the Press’ when asked whether he would compromise with the Bush administration. He is insisting on his language… ”

– Associated Press –

McCain’s comments were a slap in the face and they were directed at YOU!

Yes, John McCain’s refusal to endorse torture is a direct attack on YOU, the overweight, unemployed, Twinkee-devouring NewsMax reader!
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Thanks a heapload, 3Bulls. Don’t we get a gold watch or a Williams-Sonoma gift certificate or something?

Michael B?rub?? No, he’s over there. What do you mean?

…to the guy who created fuckchristmas.org (via Oliver Willis). Here’s my favorite part:

But you boys at FOX still freak out every year about how everyone’s out to get your special trees. This is really the most important thing you have to talk about? Whether Target says Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas? Here?s a brainstorm: there?s a fucking war on. Our soldiers are out there dying while you guys do your 14th live feed of the day from WalMart to show us what good little consumers we are. What Would Jesus Do? He?d jump over that newsdesk and kick your ass for that shit.

Hell yes, brother. Preach that shit.

(Thanks to the brilliant S.Z. for tipping me off to this picture.)