Sadly, No!

This is the Washington Post’s new Screaming Red Zonkers Red America blogger, Ben Domenech.

And this is the puzzling and elusive Edward Daley.

OK, I hate to point this out, but this is not Jesus:

For Christ’s sake (pun intended), it’s a piece of drywall that got warped during the flooding of Katrina. If anything, it resembles the face of a giant hideous bug creature from Jupiter. But it’s definitely not Jesus.

Also, here’s a great quote from the article I linked to:

“It’s like God is trying to show people he’s real,” said Marlette Holt, a minister at the Triumph Learning and Worship Center for Life. “I feel he’s trying to open even the simplest minds.”

Oh, He’s doing something to the simplest minds, all right. Up here in Blue America, we call it “fucking with them.”

Bradrocket adds to his own post: Incidentally, I’m not being serious with the whole “up here in Blue America” tribalist bullshit. I’ve gotten so effing sick and tired of pundits talking about the vast cultural differences between the elitist sodomite blue-staters and the God-fearin’ salt-of-the-earth red-staters. What a bunch of silly BS. While there are certainly some cultural differences between people living in the South and people living in the Northeast, the typical family in Massachusetts isn’t substantially different from the typical family in Georgia. People like Ben Domenech (and, to be fair, those jack-offs who started that “Fuck-the-South” website) perpetuate this kind of crap when they drone on endlessly about the supposed moral superiority of “their people” over “those other folks” who live in different parts of the country.

That being said, I still fucking hate NASCAR. But in my defense, I’ve never drunk a latte in my life. Hell, I fucking hate Starbucks. When I want a good cup of coffee (which is admittedly very rare), I go to DUNKIES’, baby!

There is something extremely strange about our political culture when a privileged, politically-connected homeschooler gets hired by the Washington Post to write a blog purporting to speak on behalf of working-class heartland Americans.

Don’t believe me? Check out the opening sentence of his debut blog post:

This is a blog for the majority of Americans.

Whether he’s referring to the majority of Americans who think Bush is doing a shitty job, he never says.

For added laughs, check out this bit:

It’s always better to just let kids be kids and keep the psychologists out of the way – to follow the dictum of an aging hippie couple I know who, despite their pacifist beliefs, still let their boys run around playing army with sticks made into guns. After all, someone has to defend America.

Say, isn’t Ben only 24 years old? It’s kinda… funny that he hasn’t signed up to join the Marines yet, isn’t it? Could it be because he’s a pampered homeschool sissy boy who’s too yellow to fight for his country? I report, you decide.

Gavin adds: Say, wasn’t Red Dawn that movie where one country invaded another country and there was a bunch of teenagers whose families got killed or hauled away, so they got together and started launching sneak-attacks on the invading soldiers? Ben Domenich: objectively pro-terror. Oh, what’s this?

“Al Gore can suck it.” -Ben Domenich, 2/4/02. Now, aside from the telling comment about ‘our knee-jerk partisan nature,’ which not only underlines the fact that Ben reasons with thoughtless muscle spasms, but also reveals that he thinks everyone else reasons the same way — aside from that glittery lump of ore-bearing material, what kind of guy would spend his (short) career blithely pelting ‘liberals’ with rhetorical poo and garbage, but then attempt to hide behind the skirt of civility and ‘quality of debate’ as soon as he’s in the public eye? The whiny-ass lickspittle cum-gargling ass-twat monster fuck kind. And that’s a technical term.

To that last point, we’ll be rolling out comments here shortly.

[beaming]

The official nominations for the first three categories of the 2005 Cobb Awards* have been tabulated and checked for inconsistencies and sneaky self-promotion by Michael Bérubé other inconsistencies, and are as listed. Voting is now open in these categories:**

(Names as submitted.)

3Bulls
Atlas Sucks
Apoplectic Veteran
Michael Berúbé
DailyKos
Kevin Drum
Sadly, No!
skippy the attention kangaroo
Steve ‘Kill ‘Em All’ Gilliard
Matthew Yglesias

“I was gonna say that last category is surely designed to poke a stick in the eye of that Pinko Punko fella. I’m sure one of his troll buddies will be here in a moment to whine petulantly.” -Fulsome

“Fulsome, I’m gonna shove my foot up your pork-snorkeling ass.” -Pinko Punko

“[H]ow is Josh Marshall not nominated for Least Humorous? This one’s his to lose.” -Michael Bérubé

“Drum in a Dullslide.” -Demogenes Aristophanes

“I nominate Michael Berúbé for. . . Infinite Communist Times A Millionest Blogger Who Is A Pinko And Should Shut Up.” -Sifu Tweety

(Names as submitted.)

3Bulls
Atrios
Michael Berúbé
Daily Kos
EschatamericaTboggblog
Sadly, No!
Sifu Tweety at The Poor Man (self-nomination)

“DailyKos. It’s like a big bowl of Angry Flakes that never runs out.” -Jade

“Atrios and Kos are clouds like dark Heffalumps” -Thers

“I meant that Kos would still be pretty fine even with a considerable amount less recognition…” -John

“Can we give a “Did You Know Firefox Actually Allows You to Have More than One Bookmark?” Award to Atrios for linking every word Digby has ever posted?” -Steve M.

(Names as submitted.)

3Bulls
Atrios
Michael Berúbé
Daily Kos
The Disgruntled Chemist (self-nomination)
Norbizness
Pharyngula
Rude Pundit
Sadly, No!
James Wolcott

“Worst Community would be Wolcott. Any mere mortal brave enough to comment would die the death of a thousand rapier wit cuts, though, so it’s probably for the best.” -tigrismus

“Atrios, where there are more ‘Goodnight JohnBoy’ comments on a single open thread than there would be on an alien planet that based its entire civilization on The Waltons.” -Demogenes Aristophenes

“Celebrity Deathmatch Liberal Professor! Awesome. Berube: “You don’t bring a squid to a gunfight, cobag atheist, and besides we’re not even here right now, this doesn’t exist.” PZ: “Well you didn’t even bring a gun, and this squid is PURE POISON!!!!!! EAT IT BERUBE COBAG!!!!” *squirts burning acid squid juice on Berube*” -Pinko Punko

“Me vs. Bérubé? It just won’t work. All my weapons are flaccid, slimy, and in a state of partial dissection, while he’s got the hockey stick. It’s no contest, unless he happens to have a sensitive tummy.” -PZ Myers

Important Note: Steve Gilliard, who is probably annoyed right now (and thereby increasing his chance to win), as well as all other nominees and voters, can review the guidelines and rules for the above awards on this page.

* Several suggested categories, such as Most Hilariously Homoerotic (nom: Powerline), are under construction.
** You’d imagine that these things took a bunch of work by observing the Koufaxes, but it’s astonishing how much work they actually do take (a lot). Serious, yo — the folks at Wampum deserve a giant negative anti-Cobb for Least Worst Award-Doers.

A certain Texan with a big iTunes collection was pulling ahead in the Most Humorest category of the you-know-whats. It may not last, but we…um, some secret German thing that we oughtn’t go into.

Wie geht’s, Herr Norbizness? [chuckle, snorkle] That’ll hold him for a bit.

Hey Brad, cat plan, Jesus’s General… Papa November, Echo Bravo…

[Update: The freedom-threatening terror criminal Norbizness has sneakily put his site back online, in violation of many laws and treaties.]

…but I sorta am. By some act of Beelzebub, we’ve made it to the final round for “Best Group Blog” at the Koufaxes. We’d kindly appreciate your support 🙂

[Gavin adds: We were worried about getting into a dead heat with Skippy or Unfogged, but thankfully it’s only Firedoglake, Americablog, Pandagon, Think Progress, and a few other billion-pound gorillas with a readership approaching the population of mainland China.]

[Gavin also adds: Although, you know, there are very, very few votes cast in the Koufaxes, proportionally. So-ooooo… Everyone who votes Sadly! will receive a special handmade, personalized Cobb Award, suitable for farming. …’Framing’ — suitable for framing. Like the special Christmas Holiday Stockings we gave out at Christmastime Holidaytime.]

[Gavin also additionally adds as well: Hey wait a second. Brad is smoking ye olde Crack Rocke again! We’re also in the finals for Most Humorous, and teh l4m3 is a finalist for Best Commenter.]

Reader Michelle has asked us to make fun of Michael Reagan’s latest NewsMax column, which she aptly describes as “a steaming pile of B.S.” We’re only too happy to oblige:

Adoption Outrage in Massachusetts

Michael Reagan
Thursday, March 16, 2006

For over 100 years the adoption arm of the Catholic Charities organization of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston has provided adoption services for the state’s adoption agency, helping to find homes for some of the most-difficult-to-place children.

It was a valuable and almost irreplaceable service to the community and it has now been destroyed thanks to one of those politically correct laws enacted under pressure by a minority group with political influence that far outweighs their numbers.

And if you think he’s talking about the rich people who benefit the most from Bush’s tax cuts, you’re wrong.
Read the rest of this entry »

Glenn Greenwald is super-awesome in ways that can’t be tabulated, and he has a new book that’ll be available soon for pre-ordering at Amazon. A copy of it should grace every dresser and occupy every early-May lunch hour.

But there’s one thing. See, this is why people always should consult us about decisions and choices pertaining to matters of interest. The title kind of sets you up for a double-entendre that never resolves, doesn’t it? Here are some examples of why we’re an indispensable resource for advice of all kinds. Knock knock. Who’s there? Oh, a book, and you need a title. What’s it about?

What Does an Executive Order: The Unitary Presidency at the Dinner Table.
How Should a Free-Trade Commission: Economists and Funding Committees Confront Globalism.
Why Does Karl Rove: The Wanderings of a Political Gadabout.

These are just a few of the many possible books that someone might be writing right now, and you can bet that when it’s time to think of a title for one of them, that particular job will have been amply and artfully covered, saving work and anxiety, which promotes better health.

An illustrative example. When Markos and Jerome came to the door, we told them that their idea was good, and revitalizing the Democratic Party was an exciting goal, except there was one thing. It was the title. As Jerome sipped his tea and Markos nibbled Andes mints, brains stormed and ideas thundered. What brings liberals together? we asked. What do liberals all agree on? And we knew the answer! Liberals care about the helpless and the downtrodden. And what else? we said meaningfully, waving a sheaf of printouts and data. Liberals love Friday Random iPod Shuffles and occasionally Basset Hounds, but overwhelmingly, Markos and Jerome, we said, liberals love the downtrodden, and liberals love cats.

And that’s how it came to be.

LET’S FINISH IT AND WIN:

Things in Iraq would be totally fine if no one ever pointed out how things there aren’t fine at all.

Bonus: parse this!

It is not really the President’s overall strategy that is disliked so much as it is the diluted, tepid and indecisive aspects of this war.

Good thing that neither Bush or his “overall strategy” have anything to do with those aspects.

It is not possible to continue living without visiting these sites right now.

Elementropy
Parrotline
Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy

Who did the Shorter John Stossel with the mailbag? That’s been in my head with the terrible persistence of Dean Martin singing ‘That’s Amore.’*

PS – The glacial slowness at which the Cobb Award nominations have been processed are actually part of the plan, as anyone who follows the Koufaxes with crenulated brow and clicking worry beads can appreciate (cough Neddie Jingo cough). They’ll be up this evening.

* Update: ‘You mean this?’
Yes!!

——————-
Bonus inter-alia Howard ‘Colonel’ Kurtz moment:

On Iraq, Plenty of Scores to Settle Even if the Dust Hasn’t (3/20/06) by Howard Kurtz
It was probably inevitable, once the Iraq war started to go badly — though how badly remains a matter of political dispute — those who opposed it from the start would begin kicking sand in the face of those who backed it from the start. Had the war been a smashing success, accusing fingers would undoubtedly be pointing in the opposite direction.

Corrected version:

On Iraq, Plenty of Scores to Settle Even if the Dust Hasn’t […Settled Any…Scores? No Wait, Let Me Try That Sentence Again.] (3/20/06) by Howard Kurtz
It was probably inevitable, once the Iraq war started to go badly — though how badly remains a matter of political dispute objective fact to be judiciously weighed — [that] those who opposed it from the start would begin kicking sand in the face of expecting mature behavior from those [like myself] who backed it from the start. Had the war been a smashing success, [my] accusing fingers would undoubtedly [still] be pointing in the opposite direction. [Instead, in the spirit of fairness and collegiality, I shall now call for an end to divisive “I-told-you-so” partisan remarks, when directed at conservatives and the President.]

Read-the-rest score: Puppy dog with tail in deli slicer.