Sadly, No!

Recipe: Sadly, No! Post

Serves: Unlimited servings

Ingredients:

• Computer with internet connection
• Bottle of wine
• Kaye Grogan

First, quote the opening of Kaye’s column, as she invariably starts off with some ludicrous claim bearing little relation to reality or proper English:

Most Americans would practically still be in the stone age era or having to rely on smoke signals for information, if news sites like WorldNet Daily, Newsmax, and the Drudge Report didn’t exist on the Internet.

Next, move on to Kaye’s second big metaphor, which is usually drawn from an early prototype of The Amazing Metaphor Machine® developed for Tom Friedman:

For years, the liberal news media controlled what newsworthy stories made it out into the public spectrum, and they shoved the rest of the news under their desks or balled the papers up and played basketball with the trash cans.

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First, Shorter Michelle Malkin I:

That U.S. Marines are being held in solitary confinement is the ACLU’s fault.

Shorter Michelle Malkin, Version II:

Being held for a few months with access to counsel and visiting rights for your family is just as bad as being held at Guantanamo.

A review of what can be considered teh funny, likely to offend some people edition:
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Of course, this revises daily. But checkums. Yes, cool!

PS: Armando.

You know, I’m no different from anybody else. I start each day, and I end each night.

Shorter Suzanne Fields: If Germany were serious about confronting Nazism both past and present, it would forbid Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from attending the World Cup, arrest him, or worse.

Shorter Joel Mowbray: Muslims don’t do enough to condemn their terrorist brethren, as illustrated by the large number of Muslim terrorists.

Shorter LaShawn Barber: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There truly is no depth to which black people won’t sink to get some money from whitey.

Shorter Walter Williams: Tyrants always start out with small measures that appear… For the last time, I don’t know what you mean by “warrantless wiretaps” and “phone call databases.” Now, where was I? Portion sizes at restaurants are…

Shorter Jeff Emanuel: I seriously doubt our Marines did anything wrong at Haditha because, if anything, we’re too nice to Iraqi civilians.

Shorter Jacob Sullum: As a libertarian, I have some misgivings about capital punishment.

Shorter Michelle Malkin: I disagree with Naval Criminal Investigative Service procedures.

Shorter Linda Chavez: What is the political lesson of my best friend’s recent death?

Shorter Paul Greenberg: May I help you stoke your cynicism toward Congress?

Shorter Terence Jeffrey: My fellow Americans, our civilization is faced with a false, yet crucial, choice regarding the family unit.

Shorter Ben Shapiro: Silly moonbats. When will you learn that your party should tell you what to stand for, and not the other way around?

Shorter Tony Blankley: Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran. Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran.

Shorter Brent Bozell: Is it too much to ask, when we win a battle, for the media to tell us that we’ve won the war?

Shorter John Stossel: Environmentalists are religious fanatics who want to take your land, kill your family and hand over the planet to animals that may or may not exist.

Shorter Jonah Goldberg: Riddle me this: If Al Gore wants to be taken seriously on global warming, why hasn’t he denounced the movie, Cars?

Shorter Kathleen Parker: I’m sure if we all put our heads together we could think up a plausible explanation for the civilian deaths at Haditha.

And, finally, you’ve seen the long of this wingnut instant classic; now here’s the short of it:

Shorter Kevin McCullough: Thank God for brave patriots like Ann Coulter, who speak – if not truth to power – then memorable slurs against the credibile.

Seb adds: Suzanne Fields writes:

Having family and friends in Germany made it easy for me to root for Germany in its first-round 4 to 0 victory over Costa Rica.

Not so easy that you could figure out the actual score.

Wingnut: Jeff Goldstein

Team: Macho Men

League: Chickenhawk

AKA: Pasty, Count Blogula, Purblind Jism, Manshake, Mark Discordia

Affinities/Attributes: Psychosis, Bullying, Paste-Eating, Dissembling, Lit Theory

Managed By: Pajamas Media Affiliate

He Shall Overcome

(Since Jeff Goldstein’s anti-fans have been clumsily psychoanalysed by Ace of Debased — an effort since punctured by Brad, Roy and TBOGG — consider this my reply in kind, and well worth the effort since Goldstein and his commenters have recently started outing anonymous liberals.)

Jeff Goldstein is a real piece of work, a posterchild for the inferiority complex and resultant over-compensation issues delineated in Adlerian psychology. As is so often the case, the inferiorities he feels are both real and, simply, perceived. There’s nothing wrong with being a Mr. Mom or failed academic, yet Goldstein’s behavior indicates he feels differently — he’s so very touchy about it. On the other hand, there is something wrong with being a chickenhawk coward, a paste-eating cretin, and a talentless hack. Hence his overcompensation in the form of obnoxious aggression (often to the point of violent threats), pseudo-intellectual windbaggery, atrociously banal “short-fictions”.

To the casual observer, Goldstein might seem to be a garden-variety internet wingnut, a suburban douchebag whose sad and petty hatreds, frustrations over stagnated ambitions and innate cowardice lead him to adopt a sort of Walter-Mitty-As-Rambo-As-Whackjob-Blogger schtick, whereby all his fantasies of action and genocidal crusade and manly-man aggression are sated through internet jackassery. Of course if Goldstein really wanted some adventure, he could go to the recruiting office, but — hahahahaha — everyone knows that ain’t gonna happen. And yeah, all of this is common enough on the WingNet, although Goldstein has a curiously ambitious drive to be the biggest jerk of them all, and he very nearly succeeds. Added to this drive and his deep, abiding fear that he might be a weenie is his status as “Literature Wingnut” and the unique salad of sex and violence issues which reside in his otherwise empty brainpan; Goldstein’s a hell of a case study.

His sex and violence issues I’ll deal with first; if by the end you’re not also convinced that Goldstein is certifably crazy and that, therefore, he ought to be straitjacketed and shot-up with elephant tranquilizers, then you should be drubbed to death with a giant dildo.

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It seems that Republic of Palau of Progressive Gold has decided to step into the gladitorial kitten ring, posting pictures of (I shit you not) angel kittens. Really, go look for yourself. They’re a bunch of fluffy felines with cherubic wings attached. Too. Cute.

But unfortunately, the good folks at Progressive Gold have underestimated our resolve to win this conflict. Witnesseth:

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Ha ha, the Ukraine. Do you know what the Ukraine is? It’s a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It’s feeble. I think it’s time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.

1 und 2 und 3 und 54, 74, 90, 2006
ja so stimmen wir alle ein.
Mit dem Herz in der Hand und der Leidenschaft im Bein
werden wir Weltmeister sein

Travis adds: Perhaps German fans would enjoy this potent potable.

To follow up on Travis’ piece, I bring you the esteemed David “D-Hova” Horowitz:

It wasn’t Ann who crossed the line. It was these widows who crossed the line.

Personally, I think D-Hizzy is right. Widows are always crossing the line. In fact, they cross the line so often, that they can’t even be called fifth column. Those mofo’in’ widows are somewhere around the 1,430,532,035,024th column. And that means they are b-to-tha-izz-ad for the You-Ess-Ay

The bottom line is: I hate widows.

Check this out.

http://watchmesleep.blogspot.com/2006/06/im-watching-you-watching-me.html

Are wingnut trolls actually paid provocateurs?

Why, that seems crazy — but apparently, some are.

Gary, phone home!

From John Aravosis at Americablog:

We’re going to soon be launching a major revision of the blog, and while we’ve been scheming on this for a good year, I’d like some input from you guys on two things.

1. Graphic design.

This is my weakest area of expertise. I can shoot a pretty photo, but I’m not good at creating beauty – I find they’re different skills (capturing vs. creating). I really could use some advice, suggestions, mock-ups of what you all think AMERICAblog 2.0 could or should look like. I’m talking graphically. The layout of the page, the colors, the background color, should I include any images and if so where, our logo?

Well, let’s see.

Above: Model to stand in for Aravosis, who in real life is a startling orange color and has no eyebrows. Not shown: blazing fireplace stuffed with money, giant billboard for constant Americablog fundraiser, servants polishing Bentley in garage

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