Sigh.
The Editors have thrown down the gauntlet.
Jimminy Christmas is that difficult to top. I fear that I may have to surrender and then…
Oh wait. What’s that you say, Editors? You have a particular aversion to Christian hair metal? Especially when said Christian hair metallers dress up like yellow-and-black insects?
Well, BITCH, you’re fresh outta luck. Here comes STRYPER, goin’ right up ya AZZ!!11!!11!!:
The Editors thinks Billy Squier will suffice. Sadly, nope:
I’ve got more… MUCH MORE… where that came from.
Gavin adds: Oh, let me just reach into the backpack here, and…
Welly-welly-welly-well. The Editors thinks that the Beach Boys’ “Kokomo” is the most annoying music video of all-time. What’s more, he challenges us chickens at Sadly, No! to find a more obnoxious video.
As is often the case, the Editors misunderestimates our powers:
For the record, I saw Welsey Willis live in concert once. I requested that he play “Rock’n’Roll McDonald’s.” His reply was, “Fuck you I will not play that song.” Then he told me, “I love you, but I will still break your heart.”
Needless to say, it was the greatest non-David-Ortiz-related moment of my life.
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“But yesterday the word of Kenneth Lay might have stood against the world;
now lies he there, and none so poor to do him reverence. “
Mike Gallagher gets his soliloquy on:
Maybe I’m mistaken. Perhaps your husband was as corrupt as people said he was. I just never believed it. I don’t think that a man who created a company like Enron would have been so cruel and uncaring as to intentionally hurt his employees, if for no other reason than his pride for his company would have stopped him. I believe in my heart that no one was sicker or sadder over the pensions and life savings lost by Enron employees than Kenneth Lay.
Friends, Mrs. Lay, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come not to bury Kenneth Lay, but to praise him.
The evil that men allegedly do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;
Let it not be so with Kenneth Lay. The noble Media
Hath told you Kenneth Lay was ambitious:
If it were so, it was an admirable quality,
And grievously hath Kenneth Lay suffer’d for it.
Here, under leave of the Media and the rest –
For the Media is a treacherous woman;
So are they all, all treacherous women –
Come I to speak in Kenneth Lay’s defense.
While he was never my friend, he was a man of faith, self-made and likable:
But the Media says he was ambitious;
And the Media is a treacherous woman.
She hath demonized many wealthy people for sport
Whose philanthropy did the general coffers fill:
Did this in Kenneth Lay seem ambitious?
When that the poor have cried, Kenneth Lay hath wept:
Ambition should be made of sterner stuff:
Yet the Media says he was ambitious;
And the Media is a treacherous woman.
You all did see that in Enron’s boardroom
He thrice presented Andy Fastow too much power,
Which he did thrice abuse: was this ambition?
Yet the Media says he was ambitious;
And, sure, she is a treacherous woman.
I speak not to disprove what the Media spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do presume.
You all did love him once, not without cause:
What cause withholds you then, to mourn for him?
O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason. Bear with me;
My heart is in the coffin there with Kenneth Lay,
And I must pause ’til it come back to me.
Ever wonder how The Ole Perfesser plans to spend all the money he’s made from his book An Army of Davids? Well, probably not, since you’re a normal person. But because I’m not a normal person, I decided to discover the answer myself:
TO THE STARS: A new foundation aimed at promoting faster-than-light travel. Give generously, especially if you’re really rich.
posted at 10:55 PM by Glenn Reynolds
So that’s why he supports giving all those tax cuts to super-rich people! He wants them to build a space ship so he can escape Earth before the Grey Goo-ocaust hits. It’s good to see that “Operation: Get-Me-Off-This-Fucking-Planet-Before-the-People-I-Voted-for-Make-it-Explode” is in full swing.
“Hey Howie- thanks for allowing me to come on your show
and accuse your employers of treason. Me an’ tha’ H-rocket’ll
totally save you a seat on the Battlestar.”
Gavin adds:
So I have this idea for a story: somewhere in Europe, there’s an incredibly wealthy prince who is looking for a mother to deliver him an heir. But this prince doesn’t want to have a son with just any woman. No, he wants to make sure that his child is raised to be as ruthless and cruel as humanly possible so he won’t do something stupid, like donate the family fortune to a bunch of dumb starving African kids. Thus, the prince issues a decree that he is seeking the most vicious, mean and vile woman in the entire world. After years of inspecting women from every corner of the Earth, the prince narrows his search down to two finalists:
And the prince says to these two uniquely vile harpies, “If thou dost wish to carry mine dark seed, thou needest to prove that thou art the cruelest wench in all the land!”
So the first wench- let’s call her Ann Coulter- struck first. She decides that the best way to win the prince’s affection is by attacking and ridiculing widows of husbands who died in a terrorist attack.
Get-get wit’ it-wit’ it, can’t-can’t quit it-quit it.
Shorter Hugh Hewitt: New Yorker editor David Remnick inaccurately compared President Bush to Nixon – as if that were a bad thing!
Shorter Jeff Jacoby: President Bush proved he is not a dictator by graciously recognizing the Supreme Court’s Hamdan decision.
Shorter William Rusher: Although the president has been wrong on Iraq at every step, I’m inclined to follow his lead because “staying the course” is easy to understand.
Shorter Robert Novak: Republicans are wise to conflate illegal immigration and terrorism.
Shorter Burt Prelutsky: This bit brought down the house at my nephew’s bar mitzvah.
Shorter Suzanne Fields: Women can’t have it all – and the good ones don’t want to.
Shorter Brent Bozell: You can’t trust the hippies down at the New York Times, because they’re only in it for the money.
Shorter Alan Reynolds: As a libertarian, I am unwilling to trump up the alleged discovery of Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction.
Shorter Ben Shapiro: Oh my name it is nothin’, my age it means less. The country I come from is called the Midwest. I’s taught and brought up there, the laws to abide, and that the land that I live in has God on its side.
Shorter Linda Chavez: Mexico is poor not because it is inhabited by Mexicans, but because its government hasn’t been conservative enough.
Shorter Terence Jeffrey: By pointing out distinctions between Terri Schiavo and two men who partially recovered from serious brain injuries, the media are trying to cover up their culpability in her wrongful death.
Shorter Larry Elder: Liberals are to blame for bad economic conditions, and the media are to blame for falsely reporting that the economy is in trouble.
Shorter Cal Thomas: A recent poll found that conservative Christian voters would not elect a Mormon as president, thus proving the bias against people of faith serving in public life.
Shorter Thomas Sowell: The only black people who should vote for Democrats are deadbeats and criminals.
Shorter Michael Fumento: If anything, the elderly don’t pay enough for their life-sustaining medicines. (And no one is paying me to say that.)
Shorter Matt Towery: Who cares if the Bush administration violates your privacy? So do the credit card companies!
Shorter Emmett Tyrrell: While it’s nice and all to note our occasional casualties in Iraq, we musn’t forget that far more people died in one day during the Battle of The Somme. Think about it.
Shorter Marvin Olasky: We must convert the Chinese to Christianity before they take over the world!
Shorter Ann Coulter: And for my next trick, watch as I convince my readers that the New York Post is a liberal rag.
Shorter William F. Buckley: Would you like to hear the long version of how Joe Lieberman decided to run as an independent?
Shorter John Stossel: You can’t trust the hippies down at the environmental science lab, because they’re only in it for the money.
I received my copy of Better Living Through Bad Movies in the mail yesterday, and it’s bloody hilarious. And when I say hilarious, I mean hilarious. It’s not like most allegedly “funny” books that ellicit a few smiles and the occasional chuckle. No, Sheri and Scott’s magnum opus has made me laugh out loud several times, and I’m only 30 pages into it. Particularly OMGROFLMFAOMF!1!!!111!-worthy is their summary of The Postman, a suicide-inducing 177-minute post-apocalyptic “thriller” starring Kevin Costner. I hope Scott and Sheri won’t mind me excerpting a teensy-weensy passage they wrote about The Postman’s adventures in sperm donation:
That night at the You’ve Got Mail dance, Kevin meets Abby, a comely young woman who asks about his height, IQ, and semen. It turns out she wants a baby, but her husband had “the bad mumps” and so they want Kevin to be the child’s “body father.”
As anyone who’s seen The Postman can tell you, the dialogue really is this stupid- it’s like the producers hired Pastor Swank to touch up the script. You almost expect Costner to tell Abby that he’d be happy to father her womb baby global. Anyway, back to Scott’n’Sheri:
Of course, the one-time bedding is successful and she becomes pregnant- proving that while FedEx may have a better on-time record for package delivery, the U.S. postal service is still your best bet for delivering sperm. (A better title for this movie might have been “The Postman Cometh.”)
The whole book is chock-fulla brilliantly sarcastic insights like this. Truly, it reads like Chicken Soup for the MST3K Soul. Buy it, buy it, buy it.
Michael Ledeen, of the Lone Star Steakhouse and NRO (one is renowned for its half-hourly all-staff line dances; the other also serves steaks) imagines that he’s making an allusive remark about the Left vs. the Right through the example of World Cup soccer:
The Corner
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Makes You Wonder [Michael Ledeen]In today’s “reportage” of the World Cup semifinal between Italy and Germany, the (lefty) Washington Post reported that the game-winning goal was scored on a left-footed kick, while the (righty) Washington Times reported it was scored on a right-footed kick. The Post account was correct, but don’t you find it mysteriously symbolic of something or other?
But he’s actually making an allusive remark about the Left vs. the Right through the example of World Cup soccer:
I am reminded that Italy always beats Germany in the World Cup, and they do it by demonstrating those qualities that are invariably (and mistakenly, I think) ascribed to Germans: discipline, patience, courage, tenacity, stamina.
And, lest we forget—and we always do—the Italians have fought bravely, tenaciously and patiently in Iraq, taking many losses and pressing forward nonetheless. I frankly haven’t noticed brave Germans out there, but no doubt it’s an oversight on my part.
Germany: Clean, effective playing style.
Italy: “Waaah, boo-hoo-hoo! Ow, I’m injured! Penalty! Penalty!”
We could mention that story about how whiny kids become conservatives, but Jonah might start whining about it again, and the peace has been delicious.
