Sadly, No!

Yesterday I was walking down Mass Ave in Cambridge, and there was a slapped-together Xeroxed flyer taped to the door of the Middle East club that said “Radio Birdman, July 3rd.”

That is, some fanboy had clearly been running around putting up joke flyers featuring legendary and elusive Australian punk bands from the late ’70s, as though they were nipping into town for a last-minute, barely-advertised gig at a small neighborhood club. Yeah right, that often happens. And indeed, the guy at the bar knew nothing about the show, and it wasn’t listed on the club’s printed schedule. Har. Nice try, kid.

But tonight I went down there, and who turned up onstage but Radio Birdman — i.e. from Australia, i.e. with all the main guys still in the band. In a club with about the square-footage of a large 7-11.

Wah!

It appears that The Forward has hired a new advice columnist. Here’s a sneak peek of what’s in store for their (sure to be horrified) readers:

Above: Ali D. in da house

Dear Mr. Dershowitz,

I’m not saying I did this, but, let’s say if a theoretical Mr. O. K. Shimpsen, a famous man, found out his trophy wife, of whom he was often violently jealous, was cheating on him, and he was therefore overcome with rage and stabbed said wife and then had someone else hold her lover while he in turn was stabbed immediately thereafter, and Johnnie Cochran could not help him beat the murder rap, would you represent said Mr. Shimpsen?

Signed,
Obenthal Johns Impson

Dear Mr. Impson,

As a civil libertarian, I take my duty to represent alleged celebrity wife-killers very seriously. What, hypothetically, would the points be on the book deal?

Your pal,
AD

Dear Mr. Dershowitz,

In our latest war for freedom, we’ve yet again allegedly blown up a bunch of so-called “civilians,” for which we’re getting undue grief from those do-gooding, hypocrite human rights organizations. In response, we’ve tried labelling these so-called civilians “collateral damage,” “al-Qaida,” “terrorists”, etc. Our internet publicists, meanwhile, without being bound by political correctness, are of course free to use what we feel is a more accurate lexicon (“savages,” “barbarians,” “filthy wogs,” “ragheads”) to make the point that by definition, no subhuman — by which we mean Arab, Persian, Muslim — can be an innocent civilian. How do we incorporate our publicists’ point while retaining the so-called “language of civilization”? It’s annoying that we have to ask, much less justify ourselves, but you know how it is.

Sincerely,
Virtuous Western Government

Dear V to-tha W.G.,

I do indeed know how it is: as the discredited Oslo-Accord-overseer Bill Clinton put it, I feel your pain. But don’t worry, my spiffy “continuum of civilianality” precisely addresses your needs. On a scale of one to ten, with ‘ten’ being a truly innocent civilian (Israeli, American) and ‘one’ being a de facto terrorist (Arab, Persian), the degree of civilianality of the dead can be reasonably and objectively ascertained according to the nature of their national, ethnic and religious identity, but without refering to that identity (raghead). Make ’em feel like a number!

Signed,
AD

Dear Mr. Dershowitz:

Tommy Jones, Third Grade, Roosevelt Elementary School, Wilmington, DE

Dear Tommy:

I’m delighted to receive your letter. Educating the youth of America in civil-libertarian principles is an important duty to a civil libertarian. You must show resolve, Tommy. Do not let the squeamish weaken your will, for the Hakims menace us all. You must capture him, sterilize a few needles with a cigarette lighter, then shove them under the filthy raghead’s. . .er, alleged fingernails until he reveals his plans. I’m not saying whether this is right or wrong, but history will absolve us.

Avuncularly Yours,
AD

Dear Mr. Dershowitz,

Shalom,
Said in San Francisco
Read the rest of this entry »

The often quoted Washington Post article on President Bush unleashes this little nugget:

He does read newspapers, contrary to public impression[.]

Now just where would such a public impression come from? Oh, right:

But unlike his predecessors, analysts say, Bush openly brags about not reading newspapers, watching TV news or TV news magazines — dismissing the news media as unworthy of his time.

“I get my news from people who don’t editorialize,” Bush told ABC’s Diane Sawyer last week. “They give me the actual news, and it makes it easier to digest, on a daily basis, the facts.”

Anyone else?

Bush’s wife, Laura, told Sawyer she read newspapers and columnists and tells her husband what they are saying.

Gee, and one wonders how this “public impression” ever came about.

BUSH: I appreciate people’s opinions, but I’m more interested in news. And the best way to get the news is from objective sources. And the most objective sources I have are people on my staff who tell me what’s happening in the world.

Well, at least “public impression” saved the Post from having to call Bush a liar.

Above: He polka your eyes out

America Needs a July Fourth Seder

• Much good could come through the sanctification of America as a sort of Judeo-Christian civic religion.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

Shorter Washington Post editorial page

• Now that Bush has done our bidding and freed St. Scooter, we’re starting to have second thoughts about the wisdom of commuting a convicted felon’s entire sentence.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

You know what makes me super-duper-wicked angry about this editorial? Not once do they address the most obvious goddamn question imaginable: why did Scooter Libby lie to a jury? These weren’t oopsie-woe-is-me-I-just-forgot lies, they were large, obvious, giant sammich-style lies. They were lies that were considered so egregious that Scoots was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice.

Washington officials don’t just tell such lies because they feel like being meanies. They tell them for very specific reasons. To the Washington Post op-ed’s page, those reasons just aren’t interesting. To them, Scooter was obviously just a victim of an overzealous prosecution who just had to nail somebody, and the only way they could do it was by catch poor ol’ Scoots obstructin’ teh justice and perjurin’ hisself.

So thanks, guys. I’m glad you’re doing your job as government watchdogs.

Losers.

UPDATE: I’d be remiss in my duties if I didn’t kick up the old impeachment drumbeat again:

This picture is for Gary Ruppert, whom I’ve missed dearly:

And this:

And:

• 60% say the prison sentence should have been left in place.

• 21% agree with the commutation.

• 17% say Libby should have been pardoned entirely.

Just when I thought I couldn’t hate Bush any more that I already do, he does this:

President Bush Monday spared former vice presidential aide Lewis “Scooter” Libby from going to prison for 2 1/2 years for obstructing the CIA leak investigation, a White House official said.

The official said Bush “has commuted the prison sentence … leaving intact the probation and fines handed down by the court.”

“That means he is not going to jail,” the official said.

I’m sure they’re breaking out the bubbly in Fred Hiatt’s office as we speak.

UPDATE: Do what Dr. Atrios sez, peeps. Light that shit up:

Politely tell the White House what you think about this.

Comments: 202-456-1111
Switchboard: 202-456-1414

Dog Paddling in the Tigris

• Perhaps this theory will be the one that brings peace and democracy to the Middle East.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

I am flattered to be dissed by the super-awesome Blogs4Brownback dude:

Psycheout said,

July 2, 2007 at 22:34

Shorter Bradrocket: Dear Diary – I wet the bed again. Mom’s really angry.

What can I say? He pwn3d me.

But this reminds me of a topic idea I had: bed-wetter rock. List the songs that are most likely to appeal to people who wet their beds at night. I’ll start off with my personal selections*:

“Why Does it Always Rain on Me?” by Travis
“Screaming Infidelities” by Dashboard Confessional
Fall Out Boy’s entire godforsaken catalog

Post your picks for bed-wetter rock in the comments! Limit of one Smiths song per entry, por favor!

*Not that, I you know, wet my bed or anything it’s just that… uh… your mom!!!

Doughy Pantload’s disappointment that a bomb didn’t go off is palpable.

Dogs That Don’t Bark [Jonah Goldberg]

One of the most fascinating things about the course of human affairs, I think, is the enormous difference in potential directions life can take depending on discrete moments (which is why I do believe in the Great Man theory of history, btw). If that bomb had gone off in London, killing dozens or hundreds, British life might have moved in a remarkably different direction (though the Brits are pretty good — or bad, if you know what I mean — at shrugging off these sorts of things).

(My emphasis.)

His first parenthetical aside sets up what comes up next, which is basically a retard huffing air duster’s version of A.J.P. Taylor’s “accident” theory of history:

Or look at it this way: Imagine if the 9/11 plot had been foiled through some random border guard’s good fortune or diligence? How different would the last six years look? The Millennium bombing was prevented by a stroke of good luck (though the Clinton crowd crows about it). If that attack had succeeded, one can imagine that 9/11 might have been prevented, thanks to the heightened scrutiny that would have ensued. And, for all we know, Gore might have been elected president. When you start thinking about it, the wheels of history can get jammed by the smallest things, a parking ticket, a missed bus, a forgotten wallet.

Blah blah blah. But now to the punchline. It’s incoherent, like the rest of the post, but one can’t miss what he means:

Anyway, the irony is that from a policy standpoint, it seems to me that security officials have to view things like the failed London bombing as basically no different than a successful bombing. But because the bombing failed, the policy options to security officials are far narrower precisely because the bombing failed and therefore didn’t rouse the sort of political reaction it might otherwise have.

My translation from the Pantloadese: British policy should proceed as if the bomb went off, and by “proceed” he means in a Bush/Cheney/Yoo/Gonzo sort of wingnut police-state way. But, alas, because the bomb didn’t go off and panic did not ensue, the British government can’t get as fascist as it ought, which is just too bad.

Bradrocket adds: This is the same DoughBob who recently said that he had became “much more of a libertarian” because he wrote a book about how LIEberals were all Nazis. Cognitive dissonance is an ugly, ugly thing, children…