Sadly, No!

…Because generally speaking, shortering Reynolds is like trying to rephrase a burp.

REDSTATE’S JEFF EMANUEL IS HEADING TO IRAQ, and he’s soliciting contributions for coverage. I donated.

• My idea of an honest war reporter is a paid right-wing operative who, whilst in the Air Force, helped stage the phony rescue of Pvt. Jessica Lynch.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

Here’s the sort of journalism we can expect from Emanuel, now on his second trip to Iraq as a reporter:

Above: Not a $400 haircut

Everything you’ve heard is true. I’m leaving next Thursday.

[…]

General Petraeus, commander of multinational forces in Iraq, will be testifying before Congress in September regarding the effectiveness to date of his counterinsurgency and security strategy, and the Congressional Democrats have already predetermined what his testimony will be and what it will mean — and, as a result, the majority party in both houses of Congress is (and has been) ready to declare defeat at the earliest possible moment in Iraq, to leave the middle east in chaos (and abandon innocent civilians to the slaughter), and to allow al Qaeda to be victorious in what they claim is the central front in the war on terror, all for the sole purpose of staining the President’s hands with blood and thereby profiting politically from the situation.

Add some gritty, street-level commentary about the ordinary heroism of our Republican armed forces, and this kid could be his generation’s Michael Yon.

For once, an article in the liberal press tells it as it is: “Arabs pile into Darfur to take land ‘cleansed’ by Janjaweed”

Above: Tom Gross

• In this riposte to the Islamofascist-appeasing leftist media establishment, I will play a game in saying ‘Arabs’ and ‘Black Africans,’ implying that only the aggressors in the Darfur conflict are Muslim.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

Bonus Tom Gross:

The BBC and the Arab League: jointly silent on Darfur

Above: “Hi, Tom Gross again.”

• Here, let me refresh that for you.

Are you ready for some mushroom clouds?:

The only thing keeping us from poking our eyes out with an ice pick is the hope that this is a joke… a hilarious joke. And yet this is real:

Here’s Something To Think About…

Remember to make a list of vets or veterinary hospitals in other cities where you might need to temporarily shelter your pet if evacuating the area.

Added: Thanks to Father Tyme for the link.

How to Leave Iraq

• I have some more advice to give about Iraq.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

Posted without further comment:

[…]

OK, I can’t resist.

What the hell is wrong with these people?

When you’re young, you’re supposed to be full of compassion and ideals. It’s only when you start making money and you move out to the suburbs and you start raising a family that you’re supposed to get grumpy and crusty and not want to pay your taxes anymore. But when you’re this much of an asshole so goddamn early in your life? That shit ain’t natural. What in God’s name will become of these people?

It seems like only a lifetime ago that a handful of enterprising ideologues realized that the Wikipedia license was open-source, and that by borrowing it wholesale, you could gain the kind of awesome credibility you associate with an encyclopedia anyone can edit, while still cramming your site with total bullshit right-wing propaganda.

Above: accelerando ad libitum

But you know, Conservapedia aren’t the only people who can take someone else’s good idea and hard work and turn it into something you would be reluctant to wipe your butt with if the internet were made of paper. Now there’s Media Mythbusters, whose self-appointed duty is to collect “inaccurate, irresponsible and/or misleading reporting”. A noble effort, I’d say, with horribly inaccurate reporting reaching epidemic levels in our society today. Still, if you’re going to get at the reality behind the lies of mainstream media, you’d better have assembled a group of crackerjack investigators who are as crammed with truth as the author of a series of science-fiction novels based on video games might possibly be crammed with big sammy fixin’s!

Well, as a great man once said before his popularity dropped below acceptable levels and it was discovered that he wasn’t really a conservative after all, Mission Accomplished! Just look at this all-star lineup of internet superstars! Their relationship with the truth is as intimate and open as Rep. Bob Allen’s relationship with his wife. Or Sen. David Vitter’s relationship with his wife. Or Rep. David Almond’s relationship with his secretary. Or Rep. Mark Foley’s relationship with his internet service provider. Or…well, anyway, look at this dazzling array of truthtellers:

• BLACKFIVE! (Recent truth told: Osama bin-Laden is dead.)
• BOOKWORM ROOM! (Recent truth told: There is no reason to believe that Debbie Schlussel is full of crap.)
• CONFEDERATE YANKEE! (Recent truth told: The surge is working so well that we can soon leave Iraq in victory.)
• THE DEMOCRACY PROJECT! (Recent truth told: PBS threw an ugly pallor of politics over the pristine reputation of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth by calling them smear artists.)
• FLOPPING ACES! (Recent truth told: JetBlue is run by commie Nazi Jews.)
• LORIE BYRD! (Recent truth told: Time Magazine is murdering our troops, photographically.)
• THE MUDVILLE GAZETTE! (Recent truth told: Our site is more readable than Atlas Shrugs.)
• NOISY ROOM! (Recent truth told: Muslims are unproven not to be behind steam pipe explosion.)
• POWERLINE! (Recent truth told: Important people listen to us.)
• RIGHT WING NEWS! (Recent truth told: Bill Clinton routinely solicits hookers in Vegas.)
• ROCKET’S BRAIN TRUST! (Recent truth told: Ayatollah Khameini is dead Iran is on the brink of total anarchy.)
• SMALL DEAD ANIMALS! (Recent truth told: Chinese eat cats and sell them as pastrami.)
• DON SURBER! (Recent truth told: We have to stop giving tax breaks and government aid to those greedy, filthy-rich farmers.)
• THE STRATA-SPHERE! (Recent truth told: There wouldn’t be any violence in Iraq if it wasn’t for the Democrats.)
• THREATSWATCH! (Recent truth told: This will be the Summer of Terror, even if there aren’t any terrorist attacks.)
• WIZBANG! (Recent truth told: I am not crass enough to continue discussing my Star Trek smut addiction in front of Uhura.)

Can you handle the truth? I know I can’t. I’m going to drink the rest of this Black Bush and slip into a nice relaxing coma.

I just don’t know how he does it every time. I really don’t.

RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN IS GAY AND ONCE DID NOT LIKE HIMSELF
J. Grant Swank, Jr.

Above: Pastor Swank

“When I grew up, being gay, being a sissy or anything like that, was verboten,” Chamberlain tells NBC. “I disliked myself intensely and feared this part of myself intensely and had to hide it.”

It is not pleasant being homosexual.

Ok. The debate is on. Those who say a person is born gay. Those who say a person chooses gay.

So the room heats up with every emotion possible as the two go at it.

[!!?]

Let me see if I can rephrase that.

Homosexuals are often shunned by society.

The debate is on: those who say a person is born gay; those who say a person chooses gay.

So the room heats up with every emotion possible as everybody has a mutual mass debate shun session.

[…]

I still think his is better. The man is some kind of negative genius.

First they came for the right-wing crazies, and I said nothing, because I don’t spend 22 hours a day worrying that the guy at the shawarma stand is plotting to female-genitally-mutilate me. But THEN THEY CAME FOR ME!

That is surely what we will all be saying if Crazy Pammy is right about a vast conspiracy that seeks to plug up the unvarnished truth that secretes from her every overextended pore. And when has Pam not been right?

Above: bottle-fed on Stoli Blueberi®

It all started when some devious liberals, or communists, or Muslims, or possibly even gay activist judge culture-war gangsta abortion Nazis, reported The Darkies Are Coming as a spam blog, thus causing who knows how many people to go a whole day without hearing the latest about Europe’s failure to herd Mahometans into labor camps. (This news was brought to us by the tireless efforts of the crack investigative team at Big Boy Jammies, who took a moment out from bragging about their new-media dominance and misreporting the death of various world leaders to break this important story.) But even then, we thought, we can make it without Baron Zemo and Lady Lymph Node! As long as Pam survives, we will still get all the news we need about how Kirsten Dunst is part of the global Islamoterror conspiracy.
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Doop-doop-doop, surfing on the Internet.

Hmm, looks like someone’s going to be screaming on the phone to Google when she sees this.

Wonder what’s cooking with ol’ Michelle lately, anyway.

“Sabotage: America’s Enemies Within the CIA”
By Michelle Malkin • July 17, 2007 11:18 AM

Examiner reporter Rowan Scarborough has a new book out exposing the CIA bureaucrats who are undermining the war on terror.

Above: This equation is actually sort of apropos, is the scary thing.

Welcome to another episode of Lifestyles of the Wrong and Shameless: It’s Mr. Rowan Scarborough of the neoconservative Hoover Institution — home as well to V.D. Hanson, Niall Ferguson, Dinesh D’Souza, and on down the line to John “Podenfreude” Podhoretz. And also Ed Meese, whom they seem to keep around as a giant paperweight. Welp, let’s see what we can learn from this.

Okay, we’re back. The first thing we learned is that the book was previously titled Sabotage: The CIA’s War Against Bush. Since at this point pretty much everybody, including half the Republican Party, is at war with Bush, perhaps that only made the CIA look like a bunch of okay dudes, and therefore had to be massaged a bit (i.e. into the old ‘enemies within’ thing that worked so well for Joe McCarthy). Anyway, back to Michelle:

The Examiner newspapers are running a five-part series of book excerpts. The book publicist sends some details of the book’s never before reported accounts, including how:

• A CIA leak made the justice department open an official investigation into the Valerie Plame leak, plunging the Bush White House into its worst political crises.

If by ‘CIA leak’ you mean those documents that leaked into the hands of the White House.

• The CIA bureaucracy was so hostile to Director Porter Goss that his staff sometimes whispered in his 7th floor office as if it were bugged.

Although a simpler explanation is that they were whispering about the hooker parties.

• The Iraq Station was still not the top CIA priority three years into the war. It lacked basic data bases and was staffed by scores of inexperienced officers.

It is surprising that such a thing could happen when the Bush-appointed CIA higher-ups were so diligently… Oh, I thought you said it lacked basic poker and hookers and was staffed by the sudden resignation of its Executive Director amid a growing bribery scandal. Never mind.

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Michael Vick is in big trouble. Animal rights activists everywhere cheer. This is almost as sweet as the Tom DeLay indictment.