….we figure the time is right to switch to penis jokes as the main source of comedy. From today’s BILD newspaper:
While this may not quite achieve the level of “Headless body found in topless bar,” the accompanying article does go for the, well, something:
Read the rest of this entry »
I don’t know what got into me. Perhaps it’s the cold and gray weather here today in DC. But the next thing I knew I was wandering around Pajamas Media, clicking on the blogroll, when I hit pay dirt. Well, rather I hit a big lump in the dirt named James Hudnall. Hudnall is a “professional writer with over 20 years of experience.”
“Wow!” I thought. This guy must write real good. And he do.
So, Sadly, No!sers, today we are going to have a master class in writing, taught by Mr. Hudnall himself, and if you pay close attention, you too can be a Pajamas Media blogger. Let’s start with a post he calls “Scary,” a title that carefully and subtly signals that liberals are the subject of the post:
The day will come, someday in the future . . .
One hallmark of a professional writer is, of course, that he frequently repeats himself. Repetition is the secret to good writing.
. . . where they will look at the people of today and think they were crazy.
Ambiguous pronouns are also frequently used by professional writers. They encourage confusion.
Kind of like we do looking back at Nazi Germany or the Spanish Inquisition.
“Crazy” is surely the word that comes to mind when I think of the Nazis and the Inquisition. Well actually “wild and crazy.”
Maybe this is not as bad . . .
But it’s still close enough to compare to the Nazis.
. . . but the very idea of calling CO² a pollution . . .
A secret trick of the trade used by professional writers is to substitute words — like “pollution” for “pollutant” — if the first six letters are exactly the same.
. . . when it’s a natural process of nature . . .
Remember that repetition is your friend, as in “natural process of nature.”
. . . is nothing short of wacko.
Now, as Mr. Hudnall amply demonstrates, a good writer does not simply have to say something well; he also has to say something intelligent. And that Hudnall certainly does. Who could possibly disagree with his point that Al Gore and all those other liberal global-warming boo-hooers are almost as bad as Hitler and Torquemada for failing to realize that if something like carbon dioxide is naturally produced then its okay to produce as much of it as we can? You know, like methane and carbon monoxide and sulfur dioxide and wildfires and floods and sewage. Likewise, if eating one hamburger is natural, then eating five hamburgers is no problem at all. The possibilities here are immense.
UPDATE by Clif: Oh good grief. Hudnall wil just not learn. He posted a “reply” to our post in which he tries to defend himself and comes up with this astonishing example of wingnut science (including another reference to CO² — carbon monoxide squared):
Human output of CO² is minuscule compared to nature. A couple of volcanic eruptions can easily outdo all of the 20th century’s output.
Human activities release more than 130 times the amount of CO2 emitted by volcanoes–the equivalent of more than 8,000 additional volcanoes like Kilauea (Kilauea emits about 3.3 million tonnes/year)! (Gerlach et. al., 2002)
But I suppose the United States Geological Survey has been co-opted by secret agents working for Al Gore and just made up these figures. . .
The Struggle for Pakistan’s Future
ABOVE LEFT: Charles Krauthammer is a 1987 Pulitzer
Prize winner, 1984 National Magazine Award winner
and a columnist for The Washington Post since 1985.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
There are some things that humankind was not meant to know.
However, the results of our terrible experiment are forthcoming.
Above: Found amidst the snows of Kilimanjaro
Over at the International Herald Tribune, one Anatol Lieven explains why things aren’t so bad in Pakistan and why Musharraf really isn’t so bad:
Most of those arrested have not been sent to prison but placed under house arrest; and since they are members of the Pakistani elite, we can be sure that their houses are comfortable ones.
And really, if you consider the fact that most of them likely have high-speed internet why, it’s like a vacation. Their houses are, after all, com-for-table!
The elites, including those in the military, are closely interrelated and share a common set of basic assumptions and interests – including not allowing their rivalry to reach the point where they would start killing each other.
Which is why they have been nice enough to limit themselves to “throwing rocks” or why the police only “tear-gassed and beat” protesters. Well, that and the possible suicide bombs:
The attack, possibly a suicide bomb, at the house of Amir Muqam, Minister for Political Affairs in Peshawar, northwestern Pakistan killed four people Friday, police told CNN. The minister escaped unharmed.
Shorter Gay Patriot:
Above: Absolutely the safest thing I could find after
doing a Google image search for ‘gay patriot’.
MSM’s Disinterest in Anti-Conservative Attitudes of Gays?
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
ALTERNATE BONUS FILTHIER SHORTER GAY PATRIOT:
Wowsers, the Minnesota Vikings need to check into Assholics Anonymous:
The Minnesota Vikings have docked wide receiver Troy Williamson one game check for missing last Sunday’s game against the San Diego Chargers to attend the Monday funeral of his maternal grandmother.
Based on his 2007 salary of $435,000, the action by the Vikings will cost the three-year veteran $25,588.
Coach Brad Childress told Twin Cities-area media following Thursday’s practice that the decision was on a “business principle” of the Vikings organization.
“He had a family obligation that he had to see to,” Childress said. “We sat down and talked on it before he left. … He had to do what he had to do. Everybody handles that differently. [Williamson] had to do what his family situation called for.”
Childress cited the cases of two players, Minnesota defensive tackle Pat Williams and Indianapolis wide receiver Reggie Wayne, who appeared in games shortly after the deaths of family members.
Williamson’s maternal grandmother, who helped to raise him and with whom he was very close, died last week and he returned to South Carolina, where he played a large role in arranging her funeral. He also had to make travel arrangements for several of his siblings, some of whom are in the armed services.
Is it possible at all for the Vikings to come across as bigger assholes in this case? Let’s review the facts:
-Beloved dead grandmother? Check.
-Brother who takes the time to make travel arrangements for all his siblings? Check.
-Siblings who are members of the armed forces and are likely risking their asses in Iraq? Check.
-Weaselly coach who tows toes the company line and all but calls his own player a wimp for not toughing it out? Oh, you better believe that’s a check.
All they need now is to have their coach start running up the score and get caught taping the opposing team’s signals, and then… uh wait, scratch that…
Above: “Attention Mosul residents:
Time to grow gills!”
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
John Gibson is still an amazing ass:
On yet another front, a published report today said that homelessness is virtually over. People may have crushing mortgages, but they have homes.
John, did you mean this report?
The number of people who are chronically homeless dropped by nearly 12 percent from 2005 to 2006, according to government estimates being released Wednesday.
John says virtually over, HUD Secretary Alphonso Jackson says:
“While we have a lot of work ahead of us to eliminate chronic homelessness in America, these numbers show remarkable progress is being made,” said HUD Secretary Alphonso Jackson.
More good news:
Hello there, Ladies and Gentlemen! I, HTML Mencken, welcome you to the Sadly No! Abortion-o-thon!!!
Above: Target Acquired
*APPLAUSE APPLAUSE*
That’s right, as part of our Get Out the Vote campaign for the Weblog Awards, we’re here and equipped with our nifty Swiss Army Abortion Kits, which, I’ll remind you, are available free at your local Democratic Party Headquarters, and of which you may choose among three models: “Sangerfroid Slayer,” “Fetalcidal Tendency,” and the “Twisty Fastest.” Union made by skilled Mexican immigrant hands, these beautiful tools (based on the Chinese original) are guaranteed to bore through even the most stubborn bits of play-doh and bacon.
So, friends, we have the tools. But do we have the volunteers? Who will pledge to abort their fetus right now? Do I have any takers? It’s LEGAL, my friends! C’mon, a pledge now so that we may entertain our fine audience of Weblog Award voters.
Oh, here’s one! Come forward, please; state your name, hometown, and why you want to have an abortion.
“Hi, I’m Cindy Jo, from Charleston, South Carolina. I’ve decided I want an abortion because there are too many rich white people as it is. I mean, if I abort this fetus, surely some Islamic extremist immigrant will have room to flourish here, right? That would be, like, so cool. Plus it would piss off my rich, Republican Daddy, who I learned to hate when I went to college.”
It would also make Mark Steyn cry! All right, everybody give Cindy some love. That’s just a great story, Cindy. Now if you’ll step this way, you can enjoy your abortion in no time…
Okay, we’ll take a break now so that you can vote for Sadly, No! Jon Swift. All right. Now, are there any other pledges? Wha– Gavin, there’s another? That’s great!
Okay, you’re…Mary Beth, is it? Tell us your story; why do you want to have an abortion?
Above: Formerly pro-life
“Okay, well, I’m Mary Beth from Polebarn, Virginia. I used to think all that “children are our future” crap, I believed in Jesus, President Bush, yadda yadda yadda. But then I started watching Hollywood movies and MTV; I experimented with drugs and sex, then my turn was complete when I took Professor Berube’s class at Penn State. And bam — just like that — I was worshiping Ba’al, living on welfare, and regularly defecating on the American flag. I’ve had 27 abortions in the last year and a half — all at taxpayer expense I’m proud to say. What’s 28? I love Sadly, No! Hell, I’d get two abortions for you! Wanna have sex? I think at the next ‘Fornicating Liberally’ party we should orient the orgy toward Mecca, then all of us ululate in unison –”
Okay, okay some of that’s not for the uninitiated, Mary Beth. But a very inspiring story otherwise. Now, Weblog Award voters, you don’t want to take for granted the high-quality, abortion-intensive blogging that you can only find on Sadly, No! To ensure continued blogging, we need your vote. Just stop a minute and vote right now. Thanks. And let me take this moment to remind you [eyes watering, quavering voice]… The year two of my posts were nominated for Koufaxes, those awards went defunct. Please vote for Sadly, No! Jon Swift now.
All right. We have time for one more pledge before the break? Great. Oh, I’ve just been handed a message from Bradrocket. It seems that we’ve inspired an entirely different but equally welcome sort of pledge. Twenty High School Seniors at Franklin Pierce High in Miskatonic, Massachusetts have just announced their conversion to homosexuality. Wow, that’s great. Give a big hand to the students, and vote for Sadly, No! Jon Swift.
All right. What a wonderful audience. And now for our final abortion pledge. Hello, there. Your name is…?
“Um, Marie — Maria, um, James.”
Above: A half-baked bun in her oven
No last names are necessary, Maria.
“It’s my middle name.”
Oookay.
“Anyway, I’m a born-again Christian, a nurse, and I work for Alan Keyes’ organization. Well, we had a party in celebration of getting Ambassador Keyes’ name on the ballot in my home state. I took some sinus medication, and feeling a bit adventurous, popped the top on a fully caffeinated Coca-Cola. I don’t remember what happened next, really — it’s very blurry — but Ben Shapi — er, Bob, the Harvard Law grad and campaign intern and I were chatting by the copy machine. I don’t know what happened next, but I’m sure it was dreadful. So, a month later, after feeling very ill and going to the doctor, I got a better idea. This thing is growing inside me:
“Oh, it’s awful. Last night I heard it speaking in tongues. Last week it tapped out a Morse code message through the wall of my uterus: ‘Unclean female vessel,’ it said, ‘fetch me a proper bow-tie.’ Can you imagine? It starts kicking unless I put my belly to the speaker whenever Bill O’Reilly’s on television.
“I was going to bring it to term and put it up for adoption, but …umm, Bob keeps calling, asking me how I feel carrying the ‘Wingnut Messiah, the Whackshitz Haderach, The Universe’s SuperWingnut;’ he’s creeping me out; sometimes he calls me ‘Rosemary’ and then giggles maniacally.”
Maria, we simply must get this thing sucked out of you and its constituent parts sent to a stem-cell collection lab, post-haste. What do you think, Sadly, No! voters?
*APPLAUSE APPLAUSE*
“Yeah, I think so, too. Then you can show me all this other liberal stuff I’ve been missing — the bisexuality, the money for not working, the witchcraft, the flag burning, the communism, the wearing the burqa, the anal sex, the Mexican reconquest, all that stuff.”
Well, we’ll see what we can do about that, Maria. [WINK!]
Wow, what an inspiring conclusion to our First Annual Sadly, No! Abortion-o-thon!!! Thanks for joining us and be sure to tune in next year!!!