Sadly, No!

Shorter Laura Ingraham:

How cool am I that I can take a dump on the fiftieth anniversary of the
march on Washington by not only denigrating the topics covered by the speeches, but by
punctuating my dump with a gunshot. /rimshot /fuk you libs /low fives all around…

And on to Howard Kurtz. Actually, fuck him, lets pull a comment:

RioBravoHombre Fed up Fed
• 6 hours ago

He’s worried about revealing attire? Has he seen the Foxtitutes and their
Ailes’ uniform of fuck-me heels, and lowcut microminis?

Foxtitutes, Imma gonna have to steal that one.

Next we will take a look at something that CRA brought to my attention in the previous thread,
which while I have yet to get through promises to be rich vein of
Wigger Gold

Shorter asshole:

The President is a Nigger. I suggested that we shoot the Nigger, because the Nigger is not
even a real Amercian, but my suggestion that we shoot the non Amercian Nigger was not a threat, I was just blowing
off steam

Which is to say that the original article that I was exposed to from CRA’s link put paid to the ruse:

…and you’re left with maybe the perfect example of what many, myself included, don’t think is a caricature of the Tea Party movement
This is what they are: a whole slew of white resentment, ignorance and hate.

I would only add that missing from the description is the predilection for the protection of Privilege, which in my mind
Is the foundation of Wiggerism™

*WingNut is good at getting everything wRong.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

…

I have no words.

Or rather, I have all the words. When I wrote my last post, asking for help in the fallout of a number of kicks to the teeth that we’ve suffered this year, I felt like shit. My financial future was looking bleak, my emotional situation was worse. I felt like a failure.

And then…

You guys and gals and genderqueers and fluberts waving your implanted tentacles. You all reduced me to a bawling baby. So much love. So quickly. So UTTERLY beyond anything I could have ever dreamed. I’m humbled. I’m beyond humbled, reduced to serfdom (oh wait that was capitalism’s fault), by your generosity.

I’m not only fine for this next month, but quite a few ahead. I might even be able to relax and actually give myself some time to start a few things I thought I wouldn’t even be able to think about for another year at least.

Things might be turning around and you, you beautiful, lovely, amazing readers are responsible. I know I’m not the only one who’s hit a grave patch, but those who’ve given what they could, even if it was a couple of bucks. You’ve all helped me out more than words can say.

I know I’m rambling. And I know that I’m repeating myself, but wow. Just WOW!

The funny will definitely resume shortly. I’m currently trying to track down a good bit of wingnuttery to use for Chelsea Manning’s long belated public coming out. But I wanted to take the time to thank every last one of you who put in something to help.

You all know who you are. And you know how very much I appreciate what you’ve done. What you’ve taken from yourselves so that I could… It means so, so much. It has touched me. Reduced me bawling on the floor in joy (hey, novel feeling, right on). Hell, even as I write this now, things are starting to get blurry with the mist in my eyes.

YOU ARE ALL ROCKSTARS!

I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT.

Sincerely,
Cerberus

P.S. My cobloggers insisted I add this to the end.

If you want to email me directly or want to send me snail-mail aid, I can send that to you through my email at cerberussadlyno AT gmail DOT com so that’s also a way for those who want to help further (please do not feel obligated to help further).

And also at their behest (because extra money is good or something, I dunno, it was something about capitalism and accepting help when it comes):

Here’s the link to throw in an extra few books if you want (again, no obligation):

Again, don’t feel you have to. Plenty of people have and WOW. Again, just wow! I love you all so very very much.

Sigh… this may very well be the hardest post I’ve ever tried to write for this site. Not necessarily the hardest post I’ll ever try and write for the site (I’ve got something in mind later that might just eclipse this one), but that’s neither here nor there.

Back on topic, the thing is… I don’t really take to charity easily. It’s just the sort of person I am. I overpay my taxes. I’ll ride a catastrophe curve for a few months. I’ll go without eating for a bit. It’s not out of some individualist bullshit about bootstraps and the pulling thereof or some moral opposition to charity, but rather probably a low sense of self-preservation. I don’t like to be a burden and if I can muddle through I will.

And well, there’s that operative word, “if i can“.

Those of you who have followed this blog and have been my loyal readers probably know that this last year has been… shall we say “fun” for the Cerberus household?

There was the transphobic discrimination that not only threw me out of a job I loved and gave me scars that I promise to emotionally process when I have the time (after the Apocalypse looks free), but also completely drained what meager savings I and my partner had due to their slashing of my hours.

There was the disowning from my family members which cost me a source of familial love, emotional support, and Bob damn I feel like a villain for even mentioning this, but a financial safety net when things got uncomfortably tight. And losing that net meant I couldn’t ever again miss a step.

And hey, not to continue the pity party without stop, I’ve done all right. I have multiple jobs and have had them since pretty soon after I lost the big one and they almost pay my side of the bills.

All things being stable, the Cerberus household might not have missed a step. All things being stable, being the operative phrase.

Unfortunately, my partner’s job decided to dick her around. Maybe it had to do with her being an out queer person or being masculine in behavior in a more feminine office environment. Maybe it didn’t. I dunno, not worth speculating.

But the end result was that they bullied her out of a job, delivering a long series of emotional abuse and impossible standards that when met were regarded with “I dunno, you might still fail me in the future, so I’m going to disregard all of your hard work”. And delivering her one last fuck you out the door by promising her a severance package to buy her a few months to find employment and then not actually delivering it or responding to phone calls or emails about it.

So what does that all mean?

I’m broke. And might be homeless or at least out of a way to pay my bills pretty soon.

And I know. I feel like shit about doing this. About… asking for help from readers who just want to see me rip the throat out of some racist nutbar with a Napoleon Complex and a vocabulary rented out on the cheap as a wind-down from the shit going on in their lives. We all have shit that we’re dealing with and I know that I’m not the only one on the edge of financial or emotional collapse. I get that.

But nonetheless I’m here, because you’re what I got. If you can help, great. If you can’t, that’s cool too. I’m just sorry I couldn’t somehow prevent this post from ever being written. I feel like by writing this post I’m breaking some big rule I should have set for myself. But it’s here now.

The link for donations is below:

I’m sorry. Normal funny will resume shortly.

Sincerely,
Cerberus

Remember when this clown tried to build a conspiracy theory about how it was wrong to even try to run a trial for George Zimmerman after he murdered a kid in cold blood. I do.

Jack Cashill, American Birther:
Reggie Love and the Birth Certificate

Oh, birthers. So… you may be forgiven in thinking that the men upstairs would be having some gentle words downwards to op-dray the irther-bay it-shay now that the re-election of Obama has come to pass and it only serves to show the conservatives’ ass end to the world. And you’d be right. They are trying to stopper up the genie they’ve unleashed and running into the fundamental problem of all right-wing conspiracy theories.

They. Never. End. Still, nearly 20 years later, you get nutjobs whingeing about how Clinton used his secret Satanist mind-control powers to force a bunch of holy religious zealots to try and kill all their kids by setting their own treehouse on fire. Or the various crap about LBJ or FDR being secret communists or their being secret communist infiltrations everywhere responsible for everything progressive ever. Hell, some of them have been recycling old conspiracy theories about how women never had the mental capacity to handle voting or anything Progressive from the 20s. And the less said about the “War of Northern Aggression”, the better.

So, of course the nutbars allowed to run free and keep the Anti-christ Hunters all hot and bothered are still adding to their rich tapestry of denied reality where Obama and his time machine is responsible for everything bad in the last 60 years or beyond. Because he’s black and President and Vampire President for Unlife Robert E. Lee wouldn’t agree to that without secret commie Satanist brainwashing and if he we can just make him illegitimate maybe he’ll go away and stop forcing us to accept his existence and therefore the existence of black people in positions of power.

Needless to say, the strain is making them a little… shall we say, more obvious than usual.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Nuh uh, nope, no way. He’s black therefore couldn’t have been born. I don’t care that his birth certificate is googleable and has been for years. I am a skeptic and therefore I always deny the evidence of my own fucking eyes. And besides everyone is in on it. You saw. He’s hiding how black he was cause how could he have been elected if everyone could see he was black! It’s a fix, I tell you! A FIX!

Read the rest of this entry »

Charles C.W. Cooke hanging with the only doctors he can stand.

Charles C.W. Cooke, National Deja Vu:
Too Young to Decide

Today’s article is 5 months old.

Which, okay yeah, on the surface of it looks pretty bad. We here at Sadly, No! pride ourselves in bringing back only the freshest mangos (okay, fine, reasonably fresh, like from the last month tops) from our bi or tridaily safaris into the Heart of Darkness. So what gives?

Has the laziness endemic to our profession finally collapsed to the point where we’re quoting things from the Pleistocene era because we cannot even bother to pretend to keep abreast of the continuous stream of diarrhea that the right-wing calls a river (honestly, I’ve been mostly sending robots for the last year at least)?

Well, okay, yes, but I swear this has nothing to do with that.

See, it all began with this tweet by resident National Review shithead Charles C. W. Cooke Esq. (previously highlighted on this site arguing that contraceptives for people with vaginas must be easy to acquire because he could get some free condoms from liberal sex health services the wingnuts were trying to shut down) made yesterday (See? Ha! Within the last century, score one for me):

Why is "gay conversion therapy" so terrible that it must be banned but physical sex-change operations not? Seems a bizarre double-standard.

— Charles C. W. Cooke (@charlescwcooke) August 19, 2013

Which, um, several things.
Read the rest of this entry »

The shock wears off and the flower fades. So long to bad rubbish, I say.

Pamela Geller, American Marmosat Consumption:
Obama’s Hypocrisy on Gays

So, apparently, I owe Jeff from last post a bit of an apology.

See, what I didn’t know at the time of Jeff’s bizarre attempt at playing “gotcha” with a satire news site was that his post was part of the new marching orders that have apparently trickled down the various ranks of Team Fucknuts to respond to Obama’s recent calling out of Vladimir Putin on his supervillain style attempts to criminalize any means for homosexuals to protest their government by basically changing their long standing rants about how Obama is evil for being too close to Putin to how Obama is evil for daring to argue against glorious conservative Putin and why doesn’t he bomb Middle Eastern countries for being homophobic.

Which I guess is the new attempted liberal-baiting justification for war now that “standing up for the rights of women in the Middle East” is universally accepted as the cruel joke it has always been.

So given the focus it’s no surprise that our old muslim-fearing friend Pamela Geller would be itching to-

Wait. Pamela Geller is reduced to shitting out articles for the American Thinker next to the random birthers and the people terrified of literal communists hiding under their beds?

Wow, guess being the chief inspiration to Norway’s worst single-gunman mass murderer and publicly supporting a UK neo-nazi organization because they promised to hate “pakis” more than her brood has really faded the poor girl’s star.

Can’t say it’s happening to a more deserving waste of human flesh.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• WAH! Obama’s not allowed to criticize the foreign dickweasel we’ve suddenly decided is ours because he hates the fags unless he criticizes these other foreign dickweasels we claim to hate because they hate the fags… I don’t know why the stupid liberals aren’t buying it. Don’t they care about gay rights?

Right, right. Her actual post.
Read the rest of this entry »

Might want to put down your “book” Brucey boy, there’s a young buck aiming for your crown.

Jeff (IloveCapitalism), The America’s Dumbest Homosexual Franchise:
Friday satire – from the Onion

You know who we haven’t looked in on in a while? Our good friend, B. Daniel Blatt, America’s Dumbest Homosexual™.

And well, I really should. When last we left our dear old love letter to self-hating minorities, he seemed to be on the edge. When he wasn’t bitter that a direct expansion of his rights were forcing forcing, I say, him to write some dismissive blather about how inferior it was to his failed attempt to try and write a book. Well, he was trying to start the saddest radio show in the history of man or sending cries for help disguised as vacation updates.

And well, it seems that the strain of being ol Brucey has gotten to the point that he’s mostly retired to the sidelines to let some new failure who goes by the oh-so-not-compensating for things handle of Jeff (ILoveCapitalism) (yeah, that nym handle is by far the largest thing on him).

Which brings up possibly the most important question of all.

Can Jeffy boy suck (as in being terrible, rather than the sexual act, because frankly, if any of these clowns actually did get some it might cure them of their constant unending hatred for all their kin. Though, I wouldn’t wish that fate on any gay, bi, pan, or allsexual man on the planet) as much as the King?

Only one way to find out.

Shorter* (or the last port before Jungle):

• I’m going to try and play a bizarre form of gotcha with a comedy website. I’m sure I’ll definitely come out ahead here… Ah, how could I have lost!

Read the rest of this entry »

Timothy Birdnow’s life seems to entirely consist of making various conspiracy theory graphics and blaming everything in his life on liberals. Clearly there has never been a more potent source of raw machismo on the planet!

Timothy Birdnow, American Flanker:
Destroying Football: The Left’s Endgame

Maybe I’m a bad American (yes, indubitably), but there is nothing funnier to me than the desperate macho culture surrounding Rugby with Pads. I mean, I guess, I can almost understand obsessive sports fan cultures in general (I mean for fuck’s sake FC Midtjylland, do you have to alternate every season between nearly winning a championship and nearly getting yourselves relegated, ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK?!? Lucky game scarf carry me through this next season)… You know, just a little.

It’s just the bizarre attempts by complete schlubs who try and pretend that the grueling practice of sitting down on a soft couch and watching some heavily padded professional athletes play a game that would have smaller scorelines than either baseball or association football (boom, I get my cake and I eat it too) if they didn’t artificially inflate the scores is somehow equivalent to hunting down a triceratops and decapitating it with your teeth.

Maybe it’s because my history with sports fandom has mostly circled around European football, which clearly is completely pussy seeing as how gay families and trannies can feel safe in the stands watching it, or, in my youth, baseball, which must be gay because occasionally pitchers are good enough to keep games close.

Or maybe it’s because I’m not an insecure devotee of toxic masculinity so desperate to avoid anything even remotely feminine that I weep in the middle of the night utterly terrified that evil liberals might pussify the one thing one can brag about at the water cooler without actually having to do something so terrifying as leave one’s house (THERE MIGHT BE BROWN PEOPLE OUT THERE!).

And on that note:

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Liberals are fagging up the ALL-AMERICAN BLOODSPORT of FOOBAAL! by caring about pussy issues like whether the players I claim to love and support can play the game at 100% and don’t have their careers cut short by stupid avoidable injuries that can have life-long debilitating effects. I mean, what’s more important? Whether the players can walk in their old age or remember their children’s names in their thirties? Or whether or not I can still get a hard-on over how much of a man I am for watching grown men bend over each other and then wrestle each other to the ground? I mean, honestly! Also, because my usual stock in trade is bizarre conspiracy theories, this is cornerstone of the liberal enfagification of America.

Read the rest of this entry »

From the Last Refuge which will remain a source of laughs for some time into the future as long as writing like the following prospers there. I would like to share the first sentences of some recent posts over there:

This post merely outlines the supporting trail of evidence to follow-up on the original post. Due to prior post length this independent update needed for intellectual absorption.

And:

Then again, now that I think about it, the “We are Trayvon” catch phrase probably does attach aptly to most of the group claiming such a descriptive as their commonality.

This Sundance sure has a way with words.

Just stop. Some turds just can’t be shined no matter how hard you scrub.

K-Lo, National Sad Old People:
Making Noise in Rio

All right, old people, we need to have a sit down.

Speaking as someone who is regarded, at least by my students, as an ancient fogey, I understand the impulse to try and connect with the younger generations. To try and figure out their cultural touchstones, the media by which they develop their morals, and possibly most importantly, their attitudes about traditionally oppressed cultures. I get it. Often it’s a noble action, intended to prevent the cruel cycle of blame and envy that often gets heaved downward as each previous generation bashes the one after for “ruining America”.

That all said, there are two ways to go about this check-in. There is the correct way, full of genuine curiosity and a willingness to learn and not judge (after all, nearly all of us listened to shit when we were kids) and allow the experience of being pleasantly surprised.

And then there’s the wrong way.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• You know what the kids these days are all into? Nope, not Black Veil Brides*, nor the beginning of 90s nostalgia. Nope! It’s sweaty old pedophiles babbling about how “jiggy” it is to never have consensual sex for the rest of your life and thus stay pure for your rapist pastor! Yup the Catholic Church is where it’s “groovy” to be young.

Oh, Lord in Himmel, is there a wrong way!
Read the rest of this entry »