I’ze Back Bitchez

Can’t promise anything. It’s been tough for all of us paycheck collectors (I had to focus on not getting sacked over the last few months.*

What I can promise from this space is this:

– Relentless procrastination
– Failed marriages
– Hours and hours of Boston hate and Barry love
– Less Retardo, more HTML
– A disgust with God in all his Earthly and non-existent manifestations
– Clif in all his prodigulous, talented glory
– No mention of the word ‘settlements’ until Minute 47 of any and all hour-long Sunday gabfests whose subject is Gaza … if you’re lucky
– Shit moats

*UPDATERAPE: Closed parentheticals will cost youse extra

 

Shorter Andrew Breitbart

breitbart_leprechaun

A Million Republican Movies To Make

  • The reason why the terrorists hate the United States is that the villains in movies made by liberal Hollywood are corporations, the CIA, the FBI and the Armed Forces. That’s why I’ve just created a new website documenting how conservatives are oppressed in Hollywood.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


 

Shorter Michael Ledeen


Above: “[O]ne of our foremost observers of Iran” – J. Buttmissile, Esq. Right.

“Is Iran in Trouble?”

  • Never mind that for years I’ve asserted that Iran is a greater menace than Nazi Germany, the Soviet Union, and the legions of Mordor combined; now I’m telling you that it’s a paper tiger! What better time, then, to launch an invasion of Syria and Persia than right now?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


 

Would You Like Some Help Digging That Boomerang Out of Your Face?

Mark Steyn dutifully quotes Steve Forbes; both demand that the Obama Administration copy the Irish government’s corporate tax scheme which they allege is totally awesome. Or else:

The growing gap between US corporate rates and other developed nations is a massive disincentivization for real human beings to start and grow a business here. And for those already here it encourages the kind of short-term thinking that leads to Bailoutistan and American sclerosis.

ZOMG I should just pack up now and go to the land of my ancestors, a near-glibertarian paradise where sound non-government has enriched not only the citzenry but, as per the Laffer curve, the government as well! Oh yes where Guinness falls from the sky and Lucky Charms grow on trees…

Read the rest of this entry »

 

Shorter John Hawkins


Above: Juggs Magazine subscriber since 1994.

The 7th Annual “20 Most Annoying Liberals of 2008”

  • Annoying jackass, muslim, hypocrite, fag [LOOK AT THOSE TITTIES], gay homo fag, loudmouth dyke moonbat, fag-loving negro, [MORE TITS] godless commie, fag [BODACIOUS TATAS], fag shitter, bitchslutwhore, [NICE RACK] ginormous homotron robofag monster.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


 

lolz

I cannot stop laughing about this graphic:

RedState has officially passed over whatever glory years it ever had and has prematurely entered the “Smell the Glove” phase of its career. Brandon Friedman at VoteVets remarks:

Like many chickenhawks who struggle with what it means to be a man in the modern era, Erickson and the “soldiers” in his budding “Strike Force” have again tried to imitate serving in the military without actually having to don a uniform, pick up a weapon, or sacrifice much of anything at all. However, by creating this make-believe world in which RedState activists are members of a military-like “Strike Force,” they’re actually quite a lot like the Dungeons and Dragons fans LARPers in the video below pretending to be wizards, basilisks, and gorgons.

So not only has RedState designed a military unit crest, but they’ve now painted themselves as hopeless dorks, lunging clumsily for political relevance with a ham-handed attempt at jumpstarting a field organization.

I concur with this analysis, although I’d say it’s a bit unfair to the LARPers, who actually do get some form of real exercise running around in the woods and who do have some experience in weapons training, even if it’s only with foam swords and spell packets. Put it to you like this: you give me the choice of going into a fight with an average LARPer or Dan Riehl, you bet your ass I’m taking the LARPer.

[Thanks to whichever commenter pointed this out to me in the comments a while back.]

 

How the Internets will transform us all into Nazis

In the grand tradition of Lee Siegel, it seems that Andrew Keen has discovered that the absolute worstest thing evar in the world is to let the Little People express their opinions by sending them over the Intert00bz. Indeed, giving people an online forum to share their views is the most certain way to bring about the return of the Nazis. No, that’s what he really thinks:

The Internet Is Bad For You

by Andrew Keen

On December 6, Barack Obama announced his intention to fund a massive public works program of somewhere between $400 and $700 billion which will create enough jobs to avert the economic catastrophe of the 1930s. But I fear that one element in Obama’s well-intentioned infrastructure plan—his goal of providing all Americans with broadband Internet access—might one day be seen as inadvertently laying the foundations for a return to fascism, the political catastrophe of the 1930’s.

In the Europe of the 1930s, representative democracy’s abject failure to confront the rage of mass unemployment and dislocation led to the rise of fascist organizations such as the Spanish Falangists, the German National Socialists, and the Romanian Iron Guard. What the interwar fascists provided—with their messianic leaders, their torchlight parades, their xenophobic propaganda—was a placebo to the hopelessness that had enveloped ordinary people’s lives.

The 1930s fascists were expert at using all the most technologically sophisticated communications technologies—the cinema, radio, newspapers, advertising—to spew their destructive, hate-filled message. What they excelled at was removing the the traditional middlemen like religion, media, and politics, and using these modern technologies of mass communications to speak with reassuring familiarity to the disorientated masses.

Imagine if today’s radically unregulated Internet, with its absence of fact checkers and editorial gatekeepers, had existed back then. Imagine that universal broadband had been available to enable the unemployed to read the latest conspiracy theories about the Great Crash on the blogosphere. Imagine the FDR-baiting, Hitler-loving Father Charles Coughlin, equipped with his “personalized” YouTube channel, able, at a click of a button, to distribute his racist message to the suffering masses. Or imagine a marketing genius like the Nazi chief propagandist Josef Goebbels managing a viral social network of anti-Semites which could coordinate local meet-ups to assault Jews and Communists.

The idea here is pretty basic: the Little People are far too dim to think on their own and reach their own conclusions, and they will inevitably turn into Nazis unless a class of Enlightened Beings oversees the information that they are allowed to consume.

Now, I don’t buy into the Ole Perfesser’s “Army of Davids” theory that we can replace the traditional media with the bed-wetting loonies who read his blog, but I also don’t think that people such as Keen should be allowed to appoint themselves the Grand Overseers of Our Enlightened Discourse, as he so obviously proposes doing. Some balance is needed, my friends. Continuing:

Now fast forward to the digital world of 2008 and what even the normally cheerful Economist has predicted will be a “long and deep recession”. Like in the 30s, we are faced with a systemic crisis not only to free market capitalism but also possibly to representative democracy. The 2008 economic meltdown is beginning to rival the 1929 Great Crash for its catastrophic impact on the lives of ordinary people. The United Nations has described today’s world economy as the “weakest since the ‘30s”. And 2009 promises to be worse, much much worse, with the U.N. predicting that the entire world economy will actually contract for the first time since those bygone days, and Princeton’s Nobel prizewinning economist Paul Krugman forecasting that American unemployment may rise to the “double digits”.

In the Thirties, mass unemployment lead to the catastrophe of fascism; in today’s crisis, I fear that it will lead to digital fascism.

And what would this dread face of digital fascism look like, you ask? Behold:

Read the rest of this entry »

 

The secret to future conservative success

Oh deary. It seems that Michelle Malkin is (shock) outraged again because some nasty people have been saying that right-wing bloggers produce nothing but crazy-assed bullshit. When pressed for counterexamples, she gives us this:

Who says conservative bloggers don’t do reporting?

[…]

Bob Owens at Confederate Yankee/Pajamas Media published several original reports and scoops — including the op-ed the NYTimes refused to run and an interview with FBI informant/Weather Underground insider Larry Grathwohl, and early in the year, the results of a massive FOIA request related to the Beauchamp controversy.

Robert Stacy McCain, a two-decade newspaper reporter/editor-turned-blogger, provided campaign reporting on the road from Hillary in Harrisburg, Pa., and in Shepherdstown, W.Va., to the Libertarian convention in Denver, to John McCain in Pennsylvania, back to Denver for the DNC, and in Ohio and Pennsylvania for Sarah Palin.

Internet journalist/blogger and Little Green Footballs regular Zombie (not “conservative” per se, but rather anti-sharia/anti-jihad/anti-anti-American/anti-extremist Left) did extraordinary work digging up documents related to Barack Obama and left-wing terrorist Bill Ayer’s relationship — most notably, unearthing the Weather Underground manifesto Prairie Fire and Obama’s review of Ayer’s book on the juvenile court system.

See, yeah.

The insane, paranoid rantings of the GunCounter Gomer, racist ex-Moonie Times reporters, and some anonymous dude at LGF do not constitute “reporting” in the sense that we’ve typically come to define the term. No, I don’t care how many times you’ve kerned Obama’s birth certificate to prove that he’s Chuck D’s love child, or whether you’ve written a 50,000-word manifesto analyzing the linguistic similarities between Obama’s DNC speech and NWA’s “Straight Outta Compton.” Everything you guys write is tainted by the simple fact that you’re crazy assholes. If you’d like your work to be taken seriously by anyone who isn’t on your own personal LISTSERVs and Twitter accounts, the first step is to stop being crazy assholes. If you enjoy being crazy assholes and don’t want to give up the habit, that’s cool, but don’t expect to earn much respect from normal people. Make sense?

 

Shorter John Bolton

The Three-State Option

  • OK, so, like, get this, man. Y’know how the Israelis have been having, like, these problems with these alleged “people” called the Palestinians for all these years because they’ve been occupying their land? Well check it, daddy-o, I’ve got the perfect solution: let’s hand the West Bank and Gaza over to Jordan and Egypt and make *them* deal with the mess! This shit is so brilliant, I can’t believe it took me 12 hits of chronic to come up with it!

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


Yeah, I should be back blogging again soon, btw. Wingnuttery reached a critical mass during the 2008 presidential election and I haven’t been able to bring myself to read much more of it ever since.


UPDATE: Oh joyous day! I just discovered that Bolton now has another op-ed published today, this one in the New York Times! Let’s do it justice and shorten it:

Restore the Senate’s Treaty Power

  • Hey, remember when me and my buddies used to argue for giving the president unlimited power to do anything he wanted? Welp, we’re starting to rethink that now that Surrendercrat Barack HUSSEIN Osama is in charge.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


 

Ask A Sociopath Vice-President

Erick the Dim, who’s kinda like Hagar the Horrible except with less hair but more brain damage, is setting off on an errand:

The Vice President’s office has invited me up to D.C. this week to sit down with Vice President Cheney for an “exit interview” looking back over the past eight years.


Above: “Iraq puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”

Let’s give Erick some substantive questions to ask Mr. Cheney during those moments when the fluffing stops because the pain in his jaw overwhelms even the most sycophantic Viking’s resolve to pleasure mass-murdering psychopaths:

  • What’s the proper time and setting for microwaving a live puppy?
  • The gun, that guy’s face, you know what I’m talking about — didja do it because you were trying to help him shoo away a fly, or because you just wanted to see what it felt like to shoot somebody?
  • Can you describe what an infant’s flesh actually tastes like? And don’t say “like chicken.”
  • Can you provide any insight into the rituals involved in the morning White House prayer meetings? Is it true that you and the Cabinet form a circle around a nude and squatting Karl Rove who masturbates on an inverted pentagram while you lead the chants to Dark Lord Moloch?
  • Isn’t it true that you bear responsibility for the shooting of not only many of the sheriffs but also many of the deputies… and commissioners, and produce peddlars, babysitters, street beggars, newborn babies, postal workers, taxi drivers, nursing home residents, doctors, nurses, kindergarten teachers, kindergarten students, suspension bridge engineers, stevedores, ziggurats, zebu cattle, and date palms of Iraq?
  • How did you survive your fall down the shaft and escape the station before Wedge and Lando commenced their attack on the Death Star’s main reactor?
  • Is it true that you believe your theory of executive power allows you to apply an electric cattle prod to the genitals of Democratic Senate staffers whenever the mood strikes?
  • Sometimes, when floating around your “undisclosed location” in a suspensor suit, rappin with your demented neocon Mentats, do you ever feel the need to pull out some random servant’s heartplug? Couldn’t you just decide to have a cupcake, instead?
  • Does it anger you that, despite your best efforts, Henry Kissinger has still managed to mass murder more small brown people of extranational provenance than you?
  • Is that some Bell’s Palsy thing or have you always favored one side when biting the heads off kittens?
  • When you’re found guilty at The Hague, will you accept your sentence stoically? Or will you go the smuggled cyanide pill, middle-finger-to-justice route? Or, true to your Texan roots, will you flee with a high-powered rifle to the nearest clock tower and force INTERPOL to take you down in final blaze of sociopathy?