Sadly, No!

Shorter RedState:

Above: RedState head Erick Erickson
in role as Macon, GA city councilman

Obama Administration: Veterans, Pro-Lifers, Gun Enthusiasts and Those Skeptical of Washington are “Right Wing Extremists”

• The Department of Homeland Security’s report on right-wing extremism is an overt leftist plot to label us “extremists” just because we reject the legitimacy of the US government.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Shorter Atlas Shrugs:

SHOCKING NEW REPORT! OBAMA’S REAL TERRORISTS: TARGETING PATRIOTS AND THE RIGHT

• The Department of Homeland Security’s report on right-wing extremism is the fascist blueprint to create a police state and legalize gulags,¹ and also I hate Muslims.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Uncle Jimbo (center) and fellow platoon members on deployment in New Jersey

I mean, really, did anyone expect that the right-wing bloggers would take the hostage rescue this weekend lying down? They didn’t have any choice but to construct some fictive explanation that would be consistent with their deeply-held notion that Obama is a liberal wussie who could never bring himself to do anything bad to his fellow Muslim jihadists. Certainly we could predict that these explanations would be delivered with lots of snorts, snuffles and other barnyard noises, as well as with the obligatory references to Obama’s crazy preacher and his terrorist BFF, all the better to distract everyone’s attention from the sheer and utter lunacy of whatever their central premise was to explain away Obama’s role in the rescue.

Nor was it really surprising that alleged milblogger Uncle Jimbo would be leading the charge. But even I was surprised at what Jimbo concocted to take the sting off this 90 mile-per-hour face slap to Jimbo’s world-view. So before reading further, please remove all sharp or blunt objects in your vicinity (or anything else that you could use to deliver a crushing blow to your monitor or, worse, your own forehead). Have you done that yet? If so, venture below the fold, if you dare.

Read the rest of this entry »

Shorter Michelle Malkin:

Confirmed: The Obama DHS hit job on conservatives is real

• The Department of Homeland Security’s report on right-wing extremism is a flagrant propaganda tool of a leftist government conspiracy.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

They said the Tea Parties were against higher taxes, and nobody likes higher taxes, so that’s how that goes. But did they mention the whole thing about scrapping the progressive income tax?

ABOVE: “Hi, is this the nonpartisan fiscal prudence, uh, rally?”

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Ooh, we do not think they did. Here’s what FreedomWorks sent out to their members (hi!) in an irregularly scheduled mass email two days before the protests:

Dear [fake name based on a risqué pun],

Tax day is upon us once again and it is clearer than ever that we need to fundamentally reform the tax code.  It’s unfair, complex, inhibits saving, investment and job creation, imposes a heavy burden on families, and undermines the integrity of the democratic process.

To this end, we have completely revamped ScraptheCode.org and created a petition to let Congress know we want to scrap the code and replace it with a simple, low, flat, fair, and honest tax code.

I’m writing to ask you to do two things:

1. Please join the thousands of Americans signing our petition to Scrap the Code, and
2. Please contribute to our campaign so we can get the word out and get more petition signers!

Some of our members are so frustrated with the tax-and-spend ways of Washington they’re taking to the streets on Wednesday for the nationwide Tea Party protests and helping us support them.  If you’re looking for one near you, we have every one we’ve heard about or helped with on a map here and created instructions on how to organize your own.

Fixing our broken tax code is so important to America’s future prosperity that FreedomWorks Foundation Vice-Chairman Steve Forbes and I have both written books calling for fundamental reform.

Our team in Washington has also published the Top 10 Reasons to Scrap the Code, which I have included below.

I hope you find it as informative as I did and will sign our petition and contribute to our efforts to get the word out.

Sincerely,

Dick Armey
Chairman
FreedomWorks

You have to give Steve Forbes credit. Post-Armageddon, there’ll be nothing but cockroaches, Keith Richards, and Forbes bothering Richards with some sneaky new flat tax scheme.

Bonus Shorter Ari Fleischer:

Everyone Should Pay Income Taxes
It’s bad for our democracy to exempt half the country.

• I rewrote the infamous Lucky Duckies editorial, except this time it is totally not a trick to fool people.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

LAUGHING AT JANE HAMSHER. “If we’re being organized by ‘corporate lobbyists’ then where the heck is my check? We’re coining the term ‘Tea Party Truthers’ to designate these people who try making these ridiculous connections that don’t correspond to reality.” Coming soon: The “Tea Party” protests originate in Roswell, New Mexico. Meanwhile, Hamsher ducks an interview in DC.

Posted at 11:31 pm by Glenn Reynolds

See, that’s interesting, because:

ABOVE: Geller and Hoft: A perfecta of wingnuttery. But which ran first?

The big news for the day is that Jim “Gateway Pundit” Hoft has a new and improved banner for his site. Of course, the banner is, well, just pitiful and looks like the work of the graphic artiste who designed this site (safe for work, but click at your own risk!). No props for mad design skillz are going to be headed in Hoft’s direction any time soon.

The other news for the day is that even if the banner has changed, Hoft hasn’t. He’s as preposterous as always.

In his latest post, Hoft is spewing spittle every which way because Barack let his older brother Roy and his younger alleged half-brother Samson visit the White House when they were in DC during Obama’s inauguration.

Barack Obama’s older brother Abongo “Roy” Obama is a Luo activist and a militant Muslim who argues that the black man must “liberate himself from the poisoning influences of European culture.”

Recently, Barack Obama welcomed his militant Muslim brother Roy Obama to the White House.

Proud family: US President Barack Obama greets members of his British and African-based family at the White House following his inauguration, including half-brother Abongo, far left, and stepmother Kezia, in yellow. The President’s 86-year-old paternal grandmother Sarah was also in Washington DC for his swearing-in ceremony, as well as his half-sister Auma, 49, and half-brothers Ben, 38, and Abo (or Samson), 40. (Daily Mail)

** That may be Samson (Abo) standing next to the president in the White House photo. [Apparently they all look alike to Hoft — ed.]

It looks like Barack’s other brother Samson who was recently refused entry into the UK after being accused of an attempted sex attack on a young girl was also with the family for the White House visit. He traveled to America with the family for the inauguration in January.

Alert readers will remember that it was not that long ago, in fact just last August, that Hoft was echoing the wingnut chorus of outrage and scandal because of a brother who didn’t go to the White House. You may remember George Obama, who was living in, according to Hoft, “a foul-smelling slum hut,” where he spent his time smoking pot and drinking cheap gin and coke.

Amazing!
Barack Obama has talked several times about being his brother’s keeper.
Obviously, he wasn’t talking about his little brother George.

But had George showed up at the White House, there would obviously have been a different wailing chorus refrain and a slew of blog posts criticizing Barack for allowing a slum-dwelling, pot-smoking, gin-swilling foreigner into the White House. And if, on the other hand, Obama had rescinded the invitation for Samson, Fox News would have been on it 24/7 and Hoft would be duly transcribing the litany of charges that Barack was a bad brother.

The bonus comedy here is that Hoft is so busying parroting the obamanation du jour, that he even links to his own stories about the outcast pot-smoking George at the bottom of this latest post. That way you don’t even have to go to Google to document Hoft’s gob-smacking idiocy.

This just in from ResistNet, our favorite online community of berserk revolutionaries founded by a Republican PR firm:¹

Iraqis Stage Massive Anti-US Protest
Posted by Candyo on April 13, 2009 at 9:15am

On the same day Obama requested millions more for war, tens of thousands of Iraqis rallied against the US occupation at a protest marking the six-year anniversary of the fall of Baghdad. Hazem al-Araji of the Sadr movement said opposition to the occupation unites differing Iraqi factions.

Hazem al-Araji: “Those million people came from Iraq to express just one opinion that is calling for the US troops to withdraw from Iraq. They are Arabs, Kurds, Sunnis and Shia. They came after the call of Sayyid Muqtada al-Sadr to say ‘No! No to America.’”

Coming soon: Obama at Yalta.

ABOVE: pizza testa decapitata

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Ace was apparently away from his house of cards for a bit, probably off prancing around in tights at a Renaissance Fair somewhere, so he let one of this slack-jawed minions — “Jack M” — post for him. In his post, Jack is writhing around and yelping like a scalded dog over the latest Obamanation: pizza. Yes, pizza. While others starve, Obama has the audacity to dine on an elitist haute cuisine delicacy at taxpayer expense. Even worse, Obama flew in a pizza-chef from St. Louis in on a private jet to garnish the pie with arugula, beluga, lobster meat, foie gras, sauteed embryos and gold flakes.

What a douchetool.

How much does Obama love his pizza? So much that he is willing to fly a chef 860 miles to Washington D.C. to make him a personal pizza.

When you’re the president of the United States, only the best pizza will do – even if that means flying a chef 860 miles.

Chris Sommers, 33, jetted into Washington from St Louis, Missouri, on Thursday with a suitcase of dough, cheese and pans to to prepare food for the Obamas and their staff.

He had apparently been handpicked after the President had tasted his pizzas on the campaign trail last autumn.

Hey, you guys know what says you are really sincere about this whole Global Warming thing that you want to use to justify an economy crushing cap and trade program? Jetting a dude across the country to make you a freaking pie.

And you know what says you have a real solid handle on the economic concerns of citizens who are struggling through the recession? Jetting a dude across the country to “hand toss your dough”.

…

You know, Democrats, … I don’t want to see you lecturing the CEO’s of bailout companies about using private jets to petition the government, when your guy is jetting dudes across the country to make him a few slices of ‘Za.

Of course, it’s all bullshit, and Jack M’s post should have had your BS meter going arooga-arooga-arooga after you read the first three sentences even if you had completely forgotten the wingnut blogosphere’s huffity-puffity over Michele Obama’s supposed 3-trillion-dollar room-service lobster lunch and adulterous afternoon sex romp at the Waldorf Astoria. Jack M., however, has no BS meter where Obama is concerned. So he was content simply to recycle the story from a wingnut British fish-and-chips wrapper, rather than, oh, say, pick up the phone and actually call the pizza parlor. Tommy Christopher did make that call and the truth of Piegate is substantially different from Jack’s fetid fantasies.

First off, the chef was coming to Washington on other business, which meant that his restaurant paid for his coach class ticket to DC. He didn’t make the trip on Obama’s top-secret Gulf Stream III taxi service. And bestest of all, the taxpayers aren’t even paying for the extravagant cost of the ingredients. Obama is paying for the arugula and all the other luxe toppings (like chicken and hot sauce) out of his own pocket.

So, Jack-o, what do you want on your pizza pie? How ’bout library paste, applesauce and an extra topping of melted stupid?

If you’ve been annoyed by comments showing up late, or if any have disappeared entirely (this might have happened a very small number of times), I can’t think of anyone offhand to comedy-blame for the problem, but the…okay, no, THE STORM IS COMING where the gays will force their comment-filtering software straight down your throat. IS YOUR SERVER PREPARED?

This is among the problems that seem to be fixed by now, after days in which THE GAYS did their best to ruin everyone’s enjoyment by writing web pages slowly with their fussy and overexpensive fountain pens, causing pages to be boringly late in loading. Those responsible have been sacked, or whatever they call it these days.

Another equally annoying thing is that I’ve sucked at replying to messages. This happens periodically, when I realize with a sort of dusty flash like an old flash bulb popping that things we’ve been getting and reading, and clicking links from and hella appreciating, aren’t being adequately reciprocated, and I try to make Clif and Brad help bail me out as I sit guiltily composing this exact paragraph in my head, wondering how we manage to keep the readers we have.

If we haven’t yet written back to something you’ve sent, you’ll just have to send another thing, and it will serve the dual aim of being genius and making us confront our guilt and atone.

Check out the gat-teeth¹ on this guy: