Sadly, No!

ABOVE: Steve Crowder’s Glam Shot

---

You just know that the good times are gonna roll when a post at Big Andy Brietblart’s Group Blob and All-Night Buffet-Style Wingnutateria starts off like this:

I’m sure that I’ll get some heat for this, but I feel it is timely to say …

When wingnuts apologize before they’ve even opened their mouths, it usually means they are about to blow a load of spittle-flecked nonsense about some sodomy-fueled conspiracy of Hollywood Jews, or about how they wouldn’t mind making abortion legal but only for black women, or about how an army of Pedros is going to force all groceries stores to label snack foods only in Spanish in order to starve conservatives to death. (“¡No más Cheetos para ti, gringo fascista!“)

But here our pre-apologizer is Steve “Don’t Call Me Gay Just Cuz I Look Gay” Crowder, so it’s not really hard to guess what Steve wants to get off his smooth (“Thanks, Nair for Men!”) chest:

Folks, it’s okay to find flamboyant homosexuality funny. Somewhere along the “common sense line,” people have started to equate the ability to find the humor in life with hate speech.”

Minstrel shows are da bomb! Free Julie Myers. Resyndicate Amos ‘n Andy! And then let’s tell a few nigger jokes. They are crowd killers, I tell ya! Particularly where the people in the joke are named DeWinston, LaTasha and LeNoleum. And people who don’t think these jokes are the most hilarious ever, well, they just have some thick liberal PC stick up their butts. (Steve pauses for a moment and wonders how bad a thick stick up his butt might really be, at least with a thick coating of some of that Olay Regenerist he keeps on his nightstand.)

Let me be the first to say it. My name is Steven Crowder and …

Notice how Steve demonstrates his devotion to the writer’s craft with his understated solicitude for readers who might be too stupid to understand that the byline on his post is his actual name and not that of someone else.

… I happen to find blatant gayness funny. I mean really funny.

Talk about teh tea kettle cozy calling teh doily lavender.

I can remember my first “gay encounter” as a child. I was watching the Macy’s parade on Thanksgiving morning. Al Roker was interviewing Richard Simmons. As nothing more than a wide-eyed four-year-old, I was completely vexed [sic]. Here was a man on my television set, complete with chest-hair and quadriceps fuzz. He was just…“off” to me for some reason. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until the light bulb in my underdeveloped noggin turned on. “Hey Dad,” I asked. “Why does that man act like a woman?”

Is it just me or does anyone else also think that a four-year-old who notices “quadriceps fuzz” will be, a few years later, going fappity-fap-fap-fap over a Marlboro Man ad he tore out of a magazine?

To a straight man, the notion of walking around as a coiffed, waxed, nail-polish wearing, lispy dude is uproariously absurd. As people, we find absurdities funny. That’s our first step in making sense of them.

The whooshing sound you hear is the overcompensation blowing out Steve’s taut, baby-smooth, alabaster butt cheeks. (“Oh, noes! Must laugh at the gay or those feelings will start washing over me again.”)

For example: If right now a duck were to walk into your room wearing pajamas, you’d most likely laugh

Oh, not just laugh — I’d double over and piss my pants, Steve. That is the funniest thing ever, at least since rubber chickens. God, you’re killing me, Steve. Stop it. Please.

Because in your mind, there is no place in the natural world where ducks are seen wearing pajamas.

Thanks for clearing that up. (Do they pay you by the word at Andy’s Maison de Conneries?)

The same applies to blatantly gay men in rhinestone tank-tops and hot-pants. Nowhere in the straight man’s natural realm does that occur, and so the absurdity of it is funny.

But not as funny as someone who looks gayer than a night club in Chelsea at 3 a.m. trying to butch it up, lower his voice an octave and tell a fag joke without any words that have ethes in them. Now, that is funny.

Even so, if this were the kind of blog that would permit posts about a certain kind of reprehensible list, I’d so put Steve on my conservative guy version of that list, but we’re not, so I won’t.

John Hinderaker, Powerline:
The Sanford Fiasco

• Fappaquiddick

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

It’s early days yet in the 2012 presidential campaign, but it already looks like Sarah Palin plans to ride the pressing national issue of Sarah Palin jokes all the way to the White House.

Question for the theologians: Would Photoshopping in tears of blood count as ‘a malicious desecration’ of ‘an iconic representation of a mother’s love for a special needs child’? Or would that be a sign that Our Lady of Wasilla is a legitimate Marian apparition?

Michelle Malkin:
Bad taste award
June 25, 2009

I don’t find anything funny about the Sanford affair. It’s the mom in me thinking about four handsome boys on Father’s Day weekend abandoned by their stupid, selfish father, who was busy tanning with his mistress in Argentina. Heart-breaking. Yes. Nauseating. Yes. Maddening. Yes. Funny? No.

Cruel derision crude humor are to be expected of the Left.

But can Beltway conservatives Republicans keep their cracks to themselves?

Uh, if someone has a large staff, it’s often hard. Wait, what?

Michelle Malkin:
The Spitzer resignation countdown clock; Update: Spitzer t-shirt-mania!; Update: Reports say resignation effective Monday; Update: O.J.-like media circus awaiting 11:30am presser; Update: “I have begun to atone.”
March 12, 2008

Sometimes we imagine life at the Malkin house as most there must know it: the long hours of tensed breaths and sneeze-covering, of flinching at the cuckoo clock and the the doorbell; the tedium of suspense. It must almost be a relief when it finally breaks, when with panic and chair legs and sawdust and spraying crockery shards, it’s one long screech and crash windmilling up and down the stairs and around the corner from the kitchen to the den, slashing the black leather sofa with a bent lawnmower blade, tantruming with arms and legs, heaving the burning dog bed into the pool.

Robert Bidinotto weighs in on the moral transgressions of Eliot Spitzer that the media continue to ignore.

And my friends at The People’s Cube, who lampooned Operation Corner Office two years ago, have the photoshop of the day:

Get gone, already.

Update 9:30am Eastern. It was inevitable: Spitzer t-shirt-mania!

Hot apparel: Client #9 shirts.

I like these better from The People’s Cube:

Then the horror as Michelle returns to her senses, flinging away the teeth-stripped live electrical cord with which she was menacing the salt water aquarium. Then the tears. And then, as you watch, there comes the change, like clouds closing over the moon — like a queasy seismic bump, unfelt but sensed — and the moment of self-recovery is past. Michelle looks around with a Popeye squint and a bold chin, swelling with spite at the unfairnesses the liberals were hypocritically getting away with in maliciously making conservatives feel bad for going on so-called berserk rampages — as they would certainly try to do. And yet they would hypocritically whine if attacked for exactly what they would attack you for!

As usual, she affirmed, they go around blaming others instead of admitting their own exact same things. Like, excuse me, we will be happy to talk about so-called ‘right-wing extremism’ as soon as the left takes responsibility for left-wing terrorist heroes like Bill Ayers, James Van Brunn, and Islam, and stops pointing the finger at so-called ‘right-wing extremism’ — because it is laughable to say that we are pointing the finger when look at them doing it, with their lies, accusing us of so-called finger-pointing, over there.

Which they will not stop doing, she orated, for while conservatives eschew moral relativism and take responsibility for our actions, it won’t be our fault if we’re forced to do something we know is wrong, because liberals deny any responsibility for our actions. Oooh, oooh, if conservatives even dare to say anything against their fascist tryings-to-destroy of conservatives just for living, they will unfairly lie that the real liars are us and the real destroyees are them — lying with their opposite lies and their backwards accusings of up-is-down lying, scheming with their unfair partisan lackeys and bosses in the worldwide left-wing biased MSM and also US government, until we are forced to destroy them by any means necessary, i.e. preemptively. AND NOW LOOK WHAT ME-THEY MADE THEM DO I THIS TIME!

Update 10:00am Eastern. Still waiting…

Update 10:05am Eastern. Fox and AP say resignation will be effective Monday.

Update 10:12am Eastern: New word via Derb – Spitzenfreude.

Update 10:16am Eastern. Speaking of Spitzenfreude, Lone Star Times photoshops The Playas’ Ball.

Update 10:30am Eastern. Allah’s on Spitzer Watch. CNBC apparently got the scoop that the actual resignation will come down at 11:00am…now closer to 11:30am.

Update 10:46am Eastern. More Spitzenfreuder from the brilliant Iowahawk.

Update 10:56am Eastern. There’s an O.J.-like media swarm outside Spitzer’s high-rise apartment. In Albany, Republican State Senate majority leader Joe Bruno called on NY to move forward and prepare for transition.

Update 11:01am Eastern. A zinger from Michael Ramirez.

Update 11:13am Eastern. Watch the “Apartment Stakeout Cam” at FoxNews.com.

Then weary, dreamless sleep, and another few long hours of putting on socks to slink to the bathroom so that your feet don’t slap on the floorboards, and whispering to the dog not to bark — and then a change in the air like a thunderstorm arriving, and the scream rises again.

Shorter Michelle Malkin:

Remembering Michael Jackson

• Imagine Michael Jackson’s death as a kind of cake — which one might ‘have’ by declaring his musical genius to be more personally meaningful than the lurid details of his life, but which one could simultaneously ‘eat’ by mentioning molestation, plastic surgery and ‘Hollyweird’ in the same breath.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

… wait ’til the Hat Stand gets a load of the Jacko storm that’s headed our way.

Since Simon’s theory seems to be that Iran’s Green Revolution is magically powered by Americans watching coverage of it on TV, the protesters might as well just fold up their uprising and go home. We expect Thriller to be the soundtrack for the rest of the week.

Roger L. Simon:

Nevertheless, Mark Sanford’s out-of-control Father’s Day jaunt to Buenos Aires is particularly ill-timed, not just because of the obvious disrespect to his wife, children, friends, citizens of his state, political party, etc.

Reason: IRAN.

At this moment, the eyes of this country should be fixed on the horrific events coming from that company and the struggle for freedom against all odds by many of its brave citizens.

Well, the Green Revolution is a wholly owned subsidiary of Wingnutz, Inc., after all.

We’ve always had a very special place in our hearts for The Rant The New Media Journal (TNMJ). It’s given us a lot over the years, such as Sadly, No! penultimate favorite Justin Darr. Most of all though, it also gave us (or rather, we gave it), Stanton Carlisle. And while TNMJ can only dream of being a supplier of pellets equal to this guy, it can provide nutritive snacks… de merde. In a column entitled Necessity is the Mother of Invention, Nancy Salvato writes:

The Mainstream Media is struggling. Like California, they are going to have to reinvent themselves in order to survive in a digital world.

Because like the “M”ainstream “M”edia, California’s problem is that it’s just a Timex watch in a digital age. In fact, it’s our understanding that the entire state runs on duplication machines.

The music industry made the transformation several years ago, when they found CDs were being pirated and downloaded for free. Now, songs can be purchased for less than $1.00 which is changing the meaning of hit singles[.]

In the old days, a hit single was used to refer to a recorded track or single that has become very popular*. Whereas now, it refers to a digitally recorded track or single that has become very popular. It’s totally different!

Students can email their homework to their teachers and parents can sign off on it to assure the teacher that the work was done by their kids. No more, “the dog ate my homework” or copying a friend’s homework ten minutes before class.

No more quick copying thanks to computers — so long, duplication machines! (Offer void in California).

All students can engage by texting their answers to teachers’ discussion questions for a quick progress monitor.

Question: Why did the Republicans get their clocks cleaned in the last election?
Answer: @TEOTD SIHTH, MKAY? SIS. SOTMG! *

Shorter Elliott Abrams:

“Hillary Is Wrong About the Settlements”

• Yes, you can take my word for it that there was a verbal agreement between George Bush and Ariel Sharon regarding Israeli settlements, and it is deeply offensive to me that Hillary Clinton regards it as less worthy than a formal treaty.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

From the same treasure trove as below:

GLENN GETS HOT CHICKS And I do mean hot. And judging by her writing, she is really quite smart too. Hey, I support the right to bear arms. As well as the right to arm bears. I have bare arms as I type these words, and my right is rather fetching, if I do say so myself. A teenage fan would be greatly appreciated.
posted by Pejman at 8/31/2002 04:16:00 PM

That last sentence is especially creepy. Anyway, here’s Perfesser Corncob’s post:

August 31, 2002

OKAY, THERE’S NO POINT MY EVER WRITING ANOTHER WORD. Not when I’ve written a law review article that has, apparently, induced fits of teen ecstasy. . . .

Well, with a little help.
posted at 11:48 AM by Glenn Reynolds

Links to their masturbatory fodder are broken, but here’s the original site.

Perfesser Corncob a few days ago (click through, I dare you):

June 16, 2009
A LIBERTARIAN FANTASY: “Just think if Friedrich Hayek had been a sexy dame with big gazongas . . . “
Posted at by Glenn Reynolds at 9:30 am

And if she had a fully loaded Heckler & Koch semi-auto and a few cybernetic implants, no sock in glibertarian America would be safe from encrustation.

Tintin adds: For added creep factor, particularly given Pejman’s claim that his bare right arm is rather fetching, here’s a rare photo of Pejman. Seriously.