Sadly, No!

Well, Thers, if that is your real name, the worst stuff is often hiding in plain sight.

We don’t let challenges go unanswered.

ABOVE: Giovanni Boldini, Portrait of Count
Ramesh de Ponnurusquieu (1897)(oil on canvas)

Blastocyst-worshiping radical Catholicist Ramesh Ponnurru is over at America’s Shittiest Website™ in full-metal-chasuble mode, slinging his rosary at everyone in sight, because the Center for American Progress had the utter temerity to suggest that legislation that would make health care more available might actually be consistent with Catholic theology. Apparently when Jesus healed the sick, he asked for an insurance card first and extracted a promise from all women that he healed that they wouldn’t run out and get an abortion afterwards.

Naturally Ponnuru’s biggest concern is that health care reform might facilitate access to abortions, and he is perfectly willing to see actual human beings die to protect the lives of some innocent blastocysts. In order to get to that result he’s willing to say just about anything, including this splendidly retarded piece of incomprehensibility:

And when the bishops say that all people should have “ready access to quality, comprehensive, and affordable health care,” that doesn’t even mean that they have endorsed universal coverage, let alone a specific legislative attempt to come closer to it. Still less does it mean that Catholic social teaching requires us to support that attempt.

Don’t bother reading that again and trying to make more sense of it on the second go-round. It’s just as preposterous on subsequent readings. According to Ramesh, just because the Bishops say that all people should have health care doesn’t mean that the Bishops are arguing for universal coverage. This might make sense, I suppose, if the universe in universal coverage includes pets and farm animals. Moreover, according to Ramesh, just because Bishops might say that health care is good doesn’t mean that Catholics need to support health care. Of course, when the Bishops say that abortion is bad that is a mandate to oppose abortion. It obviously can be confusing at times to be a radical Catholicist.

ABOVE: Neil Stevens (not Photoshopped)

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Over at RedState, ground zero for lunatic conspiracy theories, Red State Trike Force Commando Neil Stevens (right) has used all his mad Internet skillz to expose the liberal perfidy of Google. In this case, Commando Stevens has discovered that Teh Gazoogle has wickedly altered its drop-down search suggestions to omit any reference to Climate Gate.

This, of course, means that thousands, no, millions of right-wingers, who are apparently too stupid to search for something unless it appears in the drop-down list, will never hear of Climate Gate and will never suspect that global warming is a hoax concocted by Al Gore to further his goal of Marxist domination of the planet.

Neil’s shocking exposé of Google’s leftist machinations starts with an equally shocking revelation:

This may come as a shock, but I don’t use the Google search service.

No shit, Neil? We never would have guessed.

Notwithstanding Neil’s boycott of Google, he is apparently still willing to use the nefarious search engine in order to sleuth out evidence of Google’s Marxist tendencies:

But Google wants us to believe nobody is searching for Climategate despite it being such a big story, but I have evidence that it’s merely a coverup for political purposes.

My evidence is in the behavior of the feature itself. Watch what happens if you type in Climatega, nearly typing in the entire word Climategate:

Nope. No “Climate Gate” there. So Stevens, reaching deep into his bag of Internet tricks, tries to see what would happen if he types in “climateg” instead of “climatega.” Sadly, he still doesn’t have his Holy Grail in Google’s drop-down suggestions. Stevens then tries entering “climate” in the search box. And, woot, there it is! Right there in in the drop-down box.

This might cause a lesser wingnut to conclude that there is no plot by Google to deep-six “Climate Gate” or banish it from its drop-down suggestions. After all, the search engine suggests “Climate Gate” when “climate” is typed into the search box. And since most people don’t type backwards it’s really not that important that it doesn’t include the suggestion for “climateg” or “climatega.” Any poor conservatives that are hopelessly dependent on Google’s drop-down box will receive the needed suggestion long before they even type in “climateg” or “climatega.” And if any conservatives do wind up typing in “climatega,” my guess is that least half of them will know how to finish typing the word “Climate Gate” without any further help from Google.

But Neil is not to be deterred. The very appearance of the “Climate Gate” drop-down suggestion is, in fact, proof of the conspiracy to eliminate that suggestion. This may well be the ultimate apotheosis of the wingnut riposte that “this is central to my point.”

Well what do we have here? Climate gate scandal. Oops. They erased climategate but didn’t erase climate gate. Somebody did an incomplete job of sending the story down the memory hole. Too bad, so sad. You are exposed, Google. People are trying to get to the truth, but Google is actively trying to hide that fact.

To make matters even worse or, rather, even more central to Stevens’s point, “Climate Gate” first pops up when you type “cli” into the Google news search box.

So, at worst, all Google can really be accused of is refusing to put “climate gate scandal proves that the Earth is getting cooler and that Al Gore is a big fat lying manbearpig” in the drop-down box whenever anyone simply types a “c” into the search box.

Oh, and look what happened when I typed “why is” into Google:

I am sure that our comment section will soon have answers to all those questions.

Uncertain trumpet

• Obama was insufficiently enthusiastic about escalating a war. Now brown people will laugh at the size of the American penis.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

This is, in a lot of ways, the quintessential neoconservative column. It isn’t enough that Obama send 30,000 troops over to fight the Taliban. No, Obama must provide the neocons with emotional gratification in the form of wanton blood lust. Look at this:

Nonetheless, most supporters of the Afghanistan war were satisfied. They got the policy; the liberals got the speech. The hawks got three-quarters of what Gen. Stanley McChrystal wanted — 30,000 additional U.S. troops — and the doves got a few soothing words. Big deal, say the hawks.

But it is a big deal. Words matter because will matters.

And this is why the neocons will never warm to Obama, no matter how many wars he eventually decides to start. It’s a personality thing, really — Obama likes to give off the air of someone who makes decisions only after careful deliberation and weighing the costs and benefits. The neocons, however, only respect fellow travelers who get funny feelings in their pants when they think about war, people who really get off on the idea of watching other people get blown up. For them, war isn’t merely an act of national defense but an emotional gratification and a validation of their personal strength.

To be fair, I can sympathize with them in some ways. When I used to play StarCraft back in the day, I’d really enjoy sending in a platoon of siege tanks to blow up Zerg encampments. But mercifully for the rest of the world, I learned to get out my primordial thirst for blood through computer games and not through becoming a member of the American foreign policy establishment. If only I’d applied to work at the American Enterprise Institute instead, I could have made quite a name for myself. What could have been and so forth.

Above: Fox News Analyst Karl Rove

Karl Rove, The Wall Street Journal:
Obama Can Win in Afghanistan:
If the President Keeps His Nerve, He’ll Get the Country’s Support.

• Obama cannot win with Afghanistan. If the president keeps getting on the country’s nerves, we’ll get at his support.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Peter Pelham, Portrait of Pastor
Swank (c.1700)(mezzotint)

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Pastor Swank nails it:

MUSLIM OBAMA VS. MUSLIM AFGHANS VS. MUSLIM PAKISTANIS, ETC. = SPLIT PERSONALITIES

J. Grant Swank, Jr.

Marxist Muslim Barack Hussein Obama’s personalities are being split more and more with every passing presidential day.

The reason is obvious: He is fighting his own—Muslims. He is vowing in presidential speeches to defend America against his Islamic ‘family.’

And here we thought Victor Tiberius Cuchullain Somsak Magneto Palpatine Hanson was nuts to say stuff like this about Obama’s Afghanistan speech:

Concluding the war seems to be the theme, as opposed to winning the war. ‘Breaking the momentum’ of the Taliban, unfortunately, is not the same as crushing and humiliating the enemy.

And hearing the lamentations of the women, but we digress. Hanson at his craziest is the picture of sanity when compared to Swank. We know this, yet we can’t look away … back to the good Pastor:

As time moves along, his personalities’ split is going to spread and spread some more until he’s going to be stretched maximum apart, that is, till it hurts on every level.

How far can the personalities stretch-plus-stretch until he’s nothing but fine-gauze tissue?

Not far at all, which is handy, seeing as how Pastor Swank could use some tissue to clean up the mess after contemplating Obama being ‘stretched maximum apart … till it hurts on every level.’ Soap droppers global, be warned.

Islamic Obama thought when presidential running, spurred on by mob hysteriacs, that he as messiah acclaimed could solve any problem—absolutely any problem.

Well, at least Swank isn’t jumping on that whole Obama-as-Spock bandwagon.

Obama lies. That is an Islamic virtue.

In that lying network, one then lies to himself. Obama, with wifey Michelle whispering accolades into his ears, kept trusting his egocentricity to be normal. His egocentricity was anything but.

Much is the mess to be untangled here. But Swank’s basic point seems to be that Obama is lying about escalating a war in a Muslim country despite, you know, demonstrably escalating a war in a Muslim country. It just has to be a trick. Perhaps he plans to stitch together all the limbs blown off by his Predator drones into an army of Frankenmuslims … to take over the world!

Obama is one of the most unhealthy persons on the planet—mentally so.

The above is like rain on your wedding day, if you happen to be an almanac writer.

Of course, his Marxist Muslim mentors, headed by ‘foster father’ Jeremiah Wright and coached by Nation of Islam founder Louis Farrakhan, stroked The Boy silly.

Deep are the daddy issues with the Swankster. And all the spreading apart and the stroking … yeesh.

He was a marvel, they logged. He could never fail. He was invincible.

‘He was a marvel, they logged.’ Now we’re picturing Jeremiah Wright and Louis Farrakhan dressed as lumberjacks, which is some high-octane crazy.

Now crass reality is pressing in upon all that crazy compilation. Reality has pushed him to make his public statement concerning Afghanistan, for instance. Hinging on that is the extreme, threatening topsy-turvy in Pakistan. Hinging on that is the power-hungry Muslim world analyzing Obama 24/7, their spy in the Oval Office.

Imams watch. Sleeper cells become more and more curious. Suicide bomber slugs hype bloodthirsty urges. Muslim despots attempt to figure out Obama’s designs for Islam World Rule.

Step 1: Raise troop levels in Afghanistan. Wait, that can’t be right …

All the while, Obama has to satisfy left-of-left Dems in Congress and those flung about the Republic’s state offices. Liberals prize his win but are now nervous about cementing the power.

With all that, Muslim Obama knows that the most dangerous position he has put himself in—and it is his fault that he is right there near hell’s edge—is what to do to satisfy his chief comrades. Those are Allah-cultists circling the planet.

Allah-cultists — they’re like enormous space vultures waiting for entire continents to die of thirst so they can swoop in from the Van Allen Belt and feast.

How long can he hide from non-Muslims his ultimate allegiance to Muslims?

Probably for as long as he keeps sending increasing numbers of non-Muslim troops into Muslim countries to fight Muslims. Just saying.

How long can he play the democracy-friend while actually serving Allah?

Six years? Five days? Thirteen parsecs? Forty-seven cubits? Is this a rhetorical question?

How long can he play Protestant while in truth surrendered as a Koran disciple?

The Afghanistan debacle brings this all into increased bold relief.

Doesn’t it just. You have to be really, really sane to look at the troop surge in Afghanistan and get MORE confident that Obama is plotting to conquer the world for Islam. Really sane.

ABOVE: Jacques-Louis David, La Mort de Hanson, huile
sur toile, 1787

Shorter Victor Davius Gaius Valens Hostilianus Messius Quintus Hanson,* Pessimus Angulus Americae Occulto Per Fimus™:
One-Eighth of Americans on ‘Nutritional Aid’

• Whilst I was soujourning in Selmaticus, Alabamus, coram me cernere — that means, for those untutored in the classical tongues, “I beheld with mine own eyes” — a stampede in an agora, or, in the vulgate, a shopping mall. This could only mean that people are spending money that they save by using food stamps to buy GPS units and LCD TVs. Q.E.D.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Alicia Colon, Big Breitbartbutt:
Part II: Modern Cinema Hasn’t a Clue About Eroticism

• What’s with all this sex in laundry rooms and on staircases? Do they realize how uncomfortable that is? I’d go to movies more often if Hollywood would go back to people having sex in trees instead.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™