Sadly, No!

ABOVE: The Gaytriots, Dan and Bruce

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One morning, when Tim woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible vermin named Tintin. Oh dear, even I, as the real Tintin, find that to be a disturbing prospect.

So imagine the horror of the real Tim, a commenter at “The” Gay Patriot, when he opened an email from Bruce Carroll — “The” Gay Patriot himself — and found out that he wasn’t who he thought he was but was instead me. (Of course, Tim should be thankful that Bruce didn’t post a picture of him on his blog with the caption “Gay Terrorist,” but that’s another story.)

So Tim sent me an email with the horrible news, wondering whether I, as the real Tintin, could turn him back into Tim. I offered to do the kiss the frog and turn him back into a prince routine but Tim, wisely, declined, muttering something about how he’d sooner be hacked up with a machete or be forced to have a three-hour dinner at Wendy’s with Dan Blatt, “The Other” Gay Patriot.

After that, we agreed that the best way to give Tim his true identity back was to print the email chain, or at least the best parts thereof, because that might effect the transformation and, if not, would at least provide some amusement.

For those who might not be connoisseurs of the unintentional hilarity that makes “The” Gay Patriot such an appealing web destination, you need a little background first. Dan Blatt is “The Other” Gay Patriot. Not having been able to get a full-time gig at Starbuck’s, Dan spends every single freaking day writing 20-30 posts from any free wi-fi place that won’t kick him out when he doesn’t order anything other than one small cup of coffee. Notwithstanding his prolific posting, Dan frequently complains that he’s just too damn busy to fact check or spell check himself, usually making that complaint after someone just pointed out yet another goof-up by Dan. What else are readers for, he asked, if not to provide the spelling corrections and fact checking that he is just too whipped to do himself? No, seriously, he said that.

Our story starts with Tim sending an email to Bruce as well as to Colorado Patriot and A Gay Joe, two of the other supposed Gay Patriot bloggers, saying that he was getting just a wee bit tired of all Dan all the time.

Dear Sirs:

So do any of you ever post at GayPatriot anymore? Part of the reason I did enjoy the site was that it wasn’t one static person, but many contributing different viewpoints to the blog. This doesn’t seem the case anymore. Right now you have to go back a full SIXTY (60) entries to find anyone but Dan contributing. …

While I appreciate Dan’s insight, it gets repetitive and old. He’s already conceded he doesn’t even read over the entries anymore for spelling and grammar, and many of his recent entries have had to have factual information about his posts corrected by readers.

…

Maybe if no one else is going to contribute, we could change the name and I could start frequenting some of your work individually, since diversity of opinion or thought on the site seems woefully scarce right now.

Thanks for your time,
Tim […..]

Well, of course, ColoradoPatriot and A Gay Joe, no doubt having long ago decamped because of Dan’s antics, did not respond to Tim’s email. Bruce does, however, and his reply back is polite: he explains that he has to work hard to pay the mortgage and to buy dog food. But he promises to post a little more over the coming days.

That would have been the end of the story, probably, if Bruce hadn’t gotten all torn up one night on Southern Comfort Old-Fashioneds and then decided to get out his gay sleuthing kit to discover the true identity of this presumptuous ingrate who dared to send him an email criticizing the best gay Republican website in the universe. (To be fair to Bruce, Gay Patriot may be the best gay Republican website but mostly because we’re talking a really, really small universe here — three or four blogs top, including the ridiculous lesbian, Ms. Cynthia “Buy me a latte and a really big salad” Yuckley.)

Using the same sleuthing skills that Bruce used to “discover” that MoveOn.org was secretly controlled by teh gheys at the Human Rights Campaign, Bruce “discovers” that Tim is Tintin and Tintin is Tim. So Bruce decides to whack Tim with Teh Ghey Patriot Hammer.

Tim-

It is unfortunate that you sent your email under such disingenuous pretenses that I even bothered to write back.

It is clear to me based on tracking your email, your comments (IP) on GayPatriot, and your server information at Sadly, No! — that you are the main blogger at Sadly, No! [Ed. note: I am not the “main blogger” at S,N, but I am the main one at S,N to poke a stick in the Gay Patriots’ cage.]

I certainly don’t mind criticism [Ed. note: Er, no.] — as I think my previous response showed — but you are a complete fraud by not disclosing your association with Sadly, No where you routinely attack Dan & I [sic] in a vicious and personal way.

If you have any comments to direct at me in the future, I suggest you grow a set — be a man [Ed. note: This is what is commonly referred to as the tea kettle cozy calling the doily lavender.]– and just come right out and ask directly as the writer from Sadly, No!

Hypocritic [sic] assholes are not welcome at GayPatriot. [Ed. note: If only.]

-Bruce (GayPatriot)
www.gaypatriot.org

Of course, I assume most of you have noted Bruce’s hilariously stupid assumption that any comments on his site would be coming from the Sadly, No! web server rather than from the commenter’s own ISP. (For example, when I’ve left comments at Brucie’s site, WordPress, which Bruce uses, will clearly identify that my comments come from Comcast’s servers.) Fortunately for Bruce’s employer, I don’t believe he works in their IT department.

Anyway, this will all just leave Bruce convinced that I am Tim and Tim is me, which just adds to the comic possibilities here. But maybe when Bruce reads this (and you know he will) he can, er, “grow a set” and reveal the evidence that led him to his startling conclusion.

<taunt>The sound that you hear now is the sound of Bruce running out of the room like a scalded dog.</taunt>

UPDATE: “The” Gay Patriot himself showed up to leave a lame comment, with a typo, of course, which is not surprising since he left the comment at an hour that suggests that he’d had enough time to down a few Appletinis to work up the courage to stop by.

Above: Hacky New Year!

Sher Zieve, Renew America
Obama death plan: abortions, new taxes, and death panels to remain

It is no longer a secret that Obama & Co’s ObamaCare Death Plan is yet another way to steal money from the American people and reduce the overall population of the former United States of America.

Oh super, as if we needed yet another way to steal money from the American people and reduce the overall population of the former United States of America. And this one is even less longer a secret than the Shoot-You-In-The-Head Tax, the one-year hiatus from the Estate Tax (a.k.a. the Unplug Grandpa Act), and secretly sending all those people to the Tax Chambers at Taxschwitz, not to mention the one where an ACORN guy dressed like Uncle Sam lifts your wallet and another ACORN guy dressed like the Statue of Liberty hits you with a giant wooden mallet labeled ‘IslamobamofascisTAXism.’

Taxes in the form of unconstitutional but, mandatory “health” insurance payments are demanded by the dictator-in-chief and his supplicant Congressional minions.

Also the one where the ACORN guy rings your doorbell, and you open the door like, “Hello? Who’s there?” And he’s like, “Suicide O-Bomber,” and he pulls out one of those black, spherical bombs that are often labeled ‘BOMB,’ in this case labeled ‘ECONOMIC BOOM,’ and lights the fuse that’s sticking out of it by striking a match on the sole of his shoe, as one does. Resultingly, you turn around to face the viewer and spend the next fifteen seconds with your fingers in your ears, grimacing, and so it goes until you are shown ascending gaseously on improbably small wings, holding a harp with a notional number of strings (e.g. three) and clad in a barrel labeled ‘DEFICITS.’

The hammer and sickle will come down upon the necks (or other body parts) of all who refuse to obey Tyrant Obama and fines, penalties and/or prison time await any and all dissenters.

Plus the one with the ACORN guy snatching the sack with the $ on it that’s captioned, ‘Blacks’ Tax, Blblblblblblblacks’ Tax…‘ As if they just snatched tax sacks and didn’t also shoot and foosh you with their guns and flamethrowers, those ACORN people, with their access to Federal arsenals and the eradication of 99% of the white people in the former United States of America by executive order, and all that.

And as if that weren’t enough, that’s when you open the door and there’s a googly-eyed and scraggly-haired maniac there wearing a hammler-and-swickstickle armband — i.e. one with Heinrich Himmler’s head poised near a foursquare arrangement of clockwise sickles — and carrying a fasces such as is familiarly composed of sticks bundled around an axe, or rather an ax, labeled as the figure is with the spooky-lettered, stink-waftingly offset phrase, ‘TAX MURDERER.’

[…]

As I’ve written in the past, the ObamaCare Death Plan will enslave the American people and force them to pay even more of their disappearing dollars to the ObamaGov. Note: This will help Obama pay for his upcoming additional $4,000/day vacations on America’s tab — while Americans wonder where their next meal is coming from or whether or not they will ever again have paychecks.

That’s 1,000 Americans for every four day-dollars, or a dollar a day per 400 Obamas. (Source: The MAD Guide to Ecch-o-nomics.) Oh wait, it’s another ridiculous MAD fold-in. “What’s a sign that the right wing is bankrupt?” It’s a picture of a giant cathedral radio with a dollar sign on it, behind a bunch of people yelling into microphones. [folds image] Ha. “A high ‘volume of Shers’ on the ‘bull market.'” Yes, it’s just like we were saying.

Well, Thers, the war must go on, and nothing says war more than Romanian music videos.

Am I the only one that thinks that it’s a bad idea to keep a pistol jammed in your belt pointing at your dick?

And while we are in Romania, there is always this:

Jon Chait notes that Bill Kristol’s latest policy prescription to Republicans — which entails campaigning against the health care bill by pledging to restore Medicare cuts and to support the importation of cheap drugs — is a philosophical mess, especially since Kristol wants the entire health care bill repealed at some point as well. This leads Chait to wonder if Bill Kristol has any core convictions:

In all seriousness, there’s pretty clearly no intellectual coherence to Kristol’s worldview. As a political strategist, his worldview is basically the same thing as his foreign policy worldview. He advocates maximum partisan hostility against the opposition at all times. (As captured by this quintessential Kristol passage: “Fight on with respect to health care. Fight on other fronts. And recruit new fighters. In a word: Fight.”)

So, when health care reform hangs in the balance, Kristol fires up Republicans to fight by telling them that passage would be a political disaster. When its passage is all but assured, he fires them up to fight by crowing that it’s a looming disaster for Democrats if only the GOP will press its advantage. His method of fighting can take the form of advocating bigger or smaller government, whichever seems to offer the best tactical prospects. And, of course, the worst is always behind the Republican Party and glorious victories always lay ahead, especially if Kristol’s fighting words are heeded.

This is actually far too generous to Kristol, whose worldview is vastly more sinister than your typical partisan hack. When Bill Kristol is faced with a given scenario, his first and only concern is how its outcome will affect current and future wars. That’s it. That’s all he cares about.

So with the health care bill, Kristol doesn’t honestly give a rat’s ass about “free markets” and “intrusive government” or anything like that. Rather, he sees universal health care as a corrupting influence on Americans’ moral character, something that will make us soft and less willing to support crusades against dusky foreigners. He sees what’s happened to the once-proud Viking nations of Scandinavia — and boy, those folks could rape and pillage with the best of ’em back in the day! — and he fears that the same thing could happen to us. Meaning, he’s scared that we could achieve both high standards of living and higher economic security, which would make us less pissed off all the time and thus not as eager to kick Ahmad and Habib in the throat. I’ll wager Kristol suffers from nightmares every night in which all angry Red State Americans are transformed before his eyes into inept chefs who are unable to defend themselves against their own ingredients:

I imagine it playing out thusly: “Well shoot, Jimmy Joe Bob Rex, I’d love t’ go t’ NASCAR with you, but I can’t afford it ’cause my kid’s sick and I don’ got no insurance, so… [AT THIS POINT THE DREAD SHADOW OF SOCIALISM PASSES O’ERHEAD]… Børk! Børk! Børk! Oo, now I have-a thee health in-a-surance! I canna go to thee NASCAR! Und afteer that I weell make yooou a loobster!!!”

[This is, incidentally, why Kristol gets such a funny feeling in his pants when he ponders President Sarah Palin. It’s not that he really thinks she’ll make a brilliant president or anything, it’s more that he sees her as being easily manipulated by neocons’ “good vs. evil” shtick and thus ready, willing and able to provide them with more precious, precious wars.]

UPDATE: I am reminded now of this classic John Holbo post on David Frum’s views of the welfare state. This is what Frum actually wrote all the way back in the mid-’90s:

Contemporary conservatives still value that old American character. William Bennett in his lectures reads admiringly from an account of the Donner party written by a survivor that tells the story in spare, stoic style. He puts the letter down and asks incredulously, “Where did those people go?” But if you believe that early Americans possessed a fortitude that present-day Americans lack, and if you think the loss is an important one, then you have to think hard about why that fortitude disappeared. […]

Of course there have been hundreds of such changes – never mind since the Donner party’s day, just since 1945 … But the expansion of government is the only one we can do anything about.

All of these changes have had the same effect: the emancipation of the individual appetite from restrictions imposed on it by limited resources, or religious dread, or community disapproval, or the risk of disease or personal catastophe.

In other words: Americans used to be tougher and more moral back when they had to eat one another to survive. Now the government is making them weak by helping them not starve. Boo, government!

Yes, it’s hard to believe people this evil exist. And it’s really depressing to think that they themselves will never suffer economic catastrophe.

ABOVE: Ingres, Portrait of André McCarthy,
Baron de Mouthbreathers de Enaro (1811)

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Over at America’s Shittiest Website™, the reaction to the underpants bomber has been as swift as it was predictable. Naturally, because his flaming jockey shorts scared some people on the plane and has left right-wingers quaking with fear and soiling their own non-explosive underpants, this is the worst terrorist attack on American soil ever. And it’s completely Obama’s fault. In fact, the first thing Obama should now do is fire everyone in sight, admit that he’s the worst president ever, come back from Hawaii, and have his picture taken in the Oval Office while wearing sackcloth and ashes and apologizing profusely to the Dutch guy who burned his fingers and is getting paid the big bucks to do TV interviews.

Leading the charge, natch, is Andy McCarthy, who is dismayed that instead of whisking the underpants guy off to Gitmo to waterboard him for a couple of days, we are doing silly shit like filing indictments, holding judicial hearings, and giving him a lawyer.

The people now in charge of our government believe Clinton-era counterterrorism was a successful model. They start from the premise that terrorism is a crime problem to be managed, not a war to be won. …

Here, no thanks to the government, the plane was not destoyed [sic], and we won’t get to the bottom of the larger conspiracy (enabling the likes of Napolitano to say there’s no indication of a larger plot — much less one launched by an international jihadist enterprise) because the guy got to lawyer up rather than be treated like a combatant and subjected to lengthy interrogation. But the terrorist will be convicted at trial (this “case” tees up like a slam-dunk), so the administration will put it in the books as a success … just like the Clinton folks did after the ’93 WTC bombers and the embassy bombers were convicted. In their minds, litigation success equals national security success.

It is a dangerously absurd viewpoint.

Hey, SadlyNauts, let’s hop in our super-secret time machine, courtesy of Google, and take a peek at Andy McCarthy back when the best president ever after St. Ronnie was in office and knew how to put on his flight-suit get up and put the terrorists in their place:

John Ashcroft reminded Americans Monday of how effective the government’s post-9/11 effort to thwart Islamic militancy has been, announcing the indictment of a second conspirator in the most audacious plot for a second wave of aerial terror. … The indictment, returned by a federal grand jury in Boston, alleges that Saajid Mohammed Badat conspired with already-convicted “shoe bomber” Richard Reid to destroy American aircraft in flight. … [T]he American charges are a powerful reminder that aggressive domestic law enforcement remains a key component in the Bush administration’s comprehensive approach to fighting what Norman Podhoretz, among others, so aptly calls “World War IV.” … Most importantly, Badat is a dangerous terrorist looking to harm the U.S. and its allies. The looming American charges will underscore the importance of ensuring that he is duly hammered in the British system.

Surely that can’t be the same person writing both those things, can it? Sadly, er, yes.

Of course, Jonah dislodged his snout from the holiday feedsack long enough to call for Janet Napolitano’s resignation. How dare she continue to hold her job when the TSA didn’t stop a guy from getting on a plane in Lagos and connecting to a flight in the United States. How dare she didn’t make sure that the Dutch check everybody’s underpants before they get on flights to America. How dare she continue to breathe?

I would wager that not one percent of Americans think the system is “working” when terrorists successfully get bombs onto planes

So let’s set our flux capacitor to January 7, 2002, just days after Richard Reid snuck a shoe bomb onto a plane and see Jonah calling for Tom Ridge’s head on a platter. Oh dear. Not a word about shitcanning anyone in the Bush administration. Instead we have Jonah making the deliriously insane argument that the Reid incident is an argument for racial profiling because had Reid been an Arab named Mohammed racial profiling might have kept him off of the flight from Paris. No seriously.

I think a fun project for the holidays will be for us all to put on our snuggies, fire up Teh Great Gazoogle, and go back to the days after the shoe-bombing attempt and dig up everything these yahoos had to say about that. It will certainly be more fun than watching a ball drop in Times Square.

ABOVE: James Percival Hoft, Fourth Earl of
Grosconnard and First Pundit of Gateway

Shorter Jim Hoft, Gateway Putz:
After Passenger Saves Plane From Terrorist Bombing– New Rules Require Heroic Passengers to Stay Seated During Last Hour of Flight*

• Obama wants the terrorists to win.**

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Bruce “Gay Patriot” Carroll

The incident on the Amsterdam-Detroit flight yesterday has, inevitably, elicited a torrent of nonsense from the usual suspects, all of whom apparently rushed to their computers before the Christmas roast had even been carved to share their almost entirely predictable, if completely ludicrous, takeaways on the subject.

Jim Don Bob Surber says it all in the title of his post “Flight 253 terrorist shows moving Gitmo to Illinois is a bad idea.” It also shows that the college bowl system is a bad idea. I mean, seriously, what the fuck? This would only make sense if the Supermax facility in question has a travel agency and could book flights for the terrorists inside, help them escape and then hand them bomb-making manuals as going-away gifts. This is yet another post by Jim Don Bob that definitively proves that second-hand meth smoke kills brain cells.

And what failed terrorist attack would be complete without our friends at NewsBlusters weighing in? In this case, Mark Finkelstein is all wound up because the New York Times didn’t say that the pseudo-bomber was a Muslim and instead simply called him a “Nigerian man.” One of the things that makes the pseudo-critics at NewsBlusters so amusing is their insistence that newspapers should just ditch the silly notion that they should print facts instead of assumptions. Well, not ourselves being a paper of record, we can oblige with dispensing with this silly notion about not publishing naked assumptions as facts and note that Finkelstein spent yesterday trying to figure out how to fellate a dead goat.

Oooh, look, the dumbest fucking ghey man on the face of the planet, Bruce Carroll aka The Gay Patriot, has been moved to actually post something at his own blog. (Bruce is usually content to let the second dumbest fucking ghey man on the face of the planet, Dan Blatt, handle all the posting duties). Naturally, Bruce blames the attack on Obama and points out that if Bush were still President this would never have happened.

Bringing up the, er, rear, we have the Ace of Play-Doh and Bacon in high dudgeon over imagined attempts by the White House to edit a WaPo story on the fizzled bomb. According to Ace, Obama’s only response to the incident was to call up the WaPo and force them to remove a phrase that said that Obama learned of the event a few hours after the plane landed. This was, of course, an opportunity for Ace to remind everyone that Obama is, you know, black:

TERRORIST THREAT LEVEL RAISED! All the way from “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” to “Hakuna Matada.”

So the question now is which of our favorite bloggers will be the first to speculate that the would-be terrorist is a distant relative of Obama’s? My money is on Hoft.

UPDATE: Thanks to the other Roger Ailes, I forgot to see what Atlas Juggs had to add to the discussion. She thinks that the Obama administration will charge the passenger who assisted in subduing the burning passenger with hate crimes. No doubt that will occur right after Obama gives the wannabe bomber the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

And here that is in the binary language of moisture vaporators:

‘0100110101100101011100100111001001111001001000000100001101 10100001110010011010010111001101110100011011010110000101110011’

Against an enemy so malignant, so depraved, and so immoral, the principles of just war permit a massive counter-attack even on Christmas Eve.

This is getting serious, people:

When Gov. Pat Quinn accused Comptroller Dan Hynes of playing politics on a plan to use short-term borrowing to pay a backlog of state bills, the governor said that when he was state treasurer he ‘worked together’ with a Republican governor and a Democratic comptroller on borrowing plans ‘on behalf of the common good.’

What Quinn didn’t mention is that as state treasurer in 1992, he single-handedly blocked an effort by then-Gov. Jim Edgar to borrow money to pay overdue bills to state vendors in a failed effort to leverage money for the Chicago Public Schools.

Quinn’s move so enraged then-Comptroller Dawn Clark Netsch, she accused fellow Democrat Quinn of trying to playing a ‘political chess game’ at the expense of state vendors who were owed money.

Files -> Disappeared -> Mysteriously … just an educated guess.