Shorter Pastor Swank
Posted on June 23rd, 2008 by Gavin M.
Above: Swankius laxicranius
- Among other things, George W. Bush’s presidency is under a divine curse because of the time he placed the Koran in the White House library.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
You may as well pick on that Timecube dude. He’s slightly more coherent, and I even think he’s starting to win me over.
Sorry, forgot the link:
http://www.timecube.com/
Because you can’t spell Swank without the wank.
If Pastor Swank would just publish a list of the shit that’s evil, we’d be in a much better position to navigate the turbulent waters between Homo Nups and Heaven Eternal.
Just sayin…
mikey
She strutted to the convention. There are those who want him to stop. He should go right up to the prison that morning I could try on my way to, not Walpole Prison, but Cedar Junction. Sounds inviting, doesn’t it? I had preached the gospel sermon, then pronounced the benediction. While walking down the sanctuary’s side aisle to shake hands with worshipers at the church’s front door, I saw the vacant sanctuary slots. She cried and cried. What was the invisible spirits. But devils they were. And those agents were after blood. SINNERS was sprayed in letters 10-feet high across our American church parking lot. That’s what I noted that after services, Jim clustered with a group of men around their cars parked alongside the church for the day, visiting another pastor and his district board showed up unannounced on a Sunday. With me were some of her close teen friends no longer close? How could adults hold church office, testify publicly in services, and act like they did? What was church all about if this was what it ended up to be? Who were real Christians anyhow? As my wife and I were left housing in an old trailer, substitute teaching without health coverage and paying over $500 a month for temporary health insurance. Our furniture was stored in friends’ houses, garages, basements, attics and backyard sheds. Time passed – several years, in fact. Since that devilment, Jim was found dead in his place in the woods – what I was filled with the devil? Why had a free clothing center that she thought would fit me. I noticed that when I was not large enough. That city pastor told them they would have to pay $400 rental. He then could take the evidence to the Congressional steps just as the service was over, they left immediately, rushing for the good part – his jacket leftover – and a clever fabric at that. Dressed up in STDs stats.
Theologically liberal congregations and their clergy are aiding this transgression pull.
This guy could teach Robert Ludlum a thing or two. The Transgression Pull. I might steal that.
Ground control to Major Sin,
Have you put your contacts in?
we’d be in a much better position to navigate the turbulent waters between Homo Nups and Heaven Eternal.
Don’t tell me you’re one of those white-water-rafting lunatics…
Our old friend Warner Todd Huston
Obama’s Propagandistic Iconography: the Making of a Messiah
“media has also made of Obama a sort of religious icon with magazine covers like Newsweek…”
“preaching from the pulpit.”
“Juxtaposed with religious symbols.”
“Or in otherwise ethereal poses.”
“And all of them seem to evoke the graphic tradition of communist propaganda.”
I think he’s on to us.
Wow… Swanks new site…. “jgrantswankjr”
umm… might want to rethink that a bit there Pastor.
the turbulent waters between Homo Nups and Heaven Eternal.
Come to think of it, there is a niche here for a revised version of Pilgrim’s Progress.
Chapter 4.
In which Pilgrim encounters the Rapids of Secular-Humanist Education, is swamped, pulls himself and his kayak ashore on the Dry Bank of Platonic Relationships, and discovers that he forgot to pack the Camping-Stove of Propane.
What’s the problem with placing a Korean in the White House? President Yee Myeung-Bak has as much right to visit our country on official business as any other world leader, especially a close ally.
What? . . . Oh, that’s very different. Never mind.
Wow… Swanks new site…. “jgrantswankjr”
umm… might want to rethink that a bit there Pastor.
From the same people who brought you:
http://www.penisland.net
http://www.therapistfinder.com
http://www.molestationnursery.com
http://www.speedofart.com
What’s the problem with placing a Korean in the White House?
After all, the Rev. Moon has paid for the place several times over.
“I believe He has brought a curse the White House because of placing the Koran alongside the Bible in the White House library. God cannot tolerate those who place other gods alongside Him.”
I thought Muslims revere the same god as the Christians do. As well as the Old Testament prophets, Abraham, Noah, and so forth. Even Jesus. They just don’t believe Jesus was the final word on the matter, much less the son of God. Not that any of this stopped the Muslim invasions of Africa and Europe, or the Crusades, etc.
[sigh]
I’ve… never seen an entire front page blink like that before. Damn you Me. I think I’m having a seizure. Unfortunately Molestation Nursery dot com is dead. I was looking forward to that.
by the way, if any of you are intrigued by RB’s JanusNode posts like I am, a Google search for “JanusNode” reveals Bubba’s put up a few tutorials.
I block most Java so speedofart yields a blinking (JavaScript Error)
To see more details, click here.
From the same people who brought you:
http://www.penisland.net
Fucking pelikans.
a Google search for “JanusNode” reveals Bubba’s put up a few tutorials.
Smarty pantses like Simba could probably come up with a better JanusNode than JanusNode: the thing itself is awfully flaky but the stuff it works from can be used for a better system. It’s on my to-do list after that “free time” promised by modern technology kicks in.
Jeez, you guys.
Didn’t your mom teach you anything?
You just click the links willy – nilly and you’ll end up with sores on the end of your Wi Fi.
Just ’cause somebody gives you a link doesn’t mean you have to click it.
And without protection?
Yikes….
mikey
I was going to comment on this:
“America is moving further and further away from biblical morality. Theologically liberal congregations and their clergy are aiding this transgression pull.”
But a) Me beat me to it, and b) nothing in the history of Mankind (R) is funnier than JanusSwank.
Let’s all have the honesty to admit: the wingnutz are amusing, fun, etc. But when Swank is in the building, we are in the presence of greatness. Period.
As a heretic and an English teacher, I truly love every post from The wankS. Check it out:
When America in any one location ratifies “marriage” as same-gender, that is a major sin. It will deal out major penalties from heaven’s throne.
Now, if we assume that ‘it’ in the second sentence refers to ‘sin’ in the first, then we have to ask: What the fuck is ‘sin’ doing on heaven’s throne?
And then, for more abusedly grammar fun,
The more America moves from biblically morality, the more it comes under the divine curse. The Bible states the blessings God will bring upon the obedient. It also states the curses God will bring upon the disobedient.
wankS, you need to learn about adjectives and adverbs.
I am going to completely ignore the bullshit theology in wankS’ post. I don’t consider the racist justifications for genocide completely made up, on drugs, by a tribe of desert nomads in the Middle East 3,000 years ago to be grounds for rational discussion.
The whole thing that cracks me up about Christian fundamentalist bashing of Islam is how they bash Allah as a false god and drag the name through the mud. “Allah” is derived from “The God” in several Semitic languages. Being that both Arabic and Aramaic are both Semitic languages, when Jesus talked about God he used the word “Alaha”… much closer to “Allah” than “God” (derived from Germanic languages).
But of course fundamentalists believe that Jesus spoke flowery Elizabethan English, and historical facts were placed by Satan to fool us.
“As this continues, the godly will note severe divine anger settled upon our domain—from shore to shore.”
What I love about this man is that he may be demented, but he doesn’t write in cliches. I’ve written probably a hundred parodies, and he always takes me by surprise. “severe divine anger” is genius. “our domain” is like a last-minute afterthought of fancy-shmancy “I’m serious!” writing. “From shore to shore” makes it artistic.
Can’t we get mp3’s of his sermons? Somebody go record this for posterity.
Pastor Swank is a wise man who speaks the truth to us. Loving people is a very bad thing. I do not love anyone. Some books are very dangerous, we must not even touch them. They will burn our skin. I think that we must do without books and especially love books.
I think the pickled walnuts are cursed.
A divine curse could explain the Bush presidency.
The mighty Swank always delivers.
At least all them ungodlies ain’t promoting incontinent evil.
“severe divine anger”
Is there another kind? I don’t recall any parts in the Bible where God got mildly angry and made it drizzle, or got slightly cross and gave some people a little bit of a sunburn.
Personally, I liked this one from the sWankhole:
That’s when I determined that I would do whatever I could as a white Christian to help blacks. Therefore, when attending Harvard Divinity School, I noted a flyer attached to the bulletin board.That’s when I determined that I would do whatever I could as a white Christian to help blacks. Therefore, when attending Harvard Divinity School, I noted a flyer attached to the bulletin board..
This was better, in a kind of weird way:
B. Hussein Obama is popular in particular among the crazed. They do not take into account his agenda for increasing suffering and death. With that, he could dwell in the White House of the most powerful nation on the planet. Obama has no qualms about killing womb babies. His wife agrees with this murder agenda.
I suppose when it comes to “the crazed”, it takes one to know one. But, my friends, what is a “murder agenda” & would it be leather bound?
Heretic, You know that Swank is a fellow English teacher right? It was in his bio somewhere. What I love about the good Pastor is you can just pick at random any phrase he’s written and it’s pure gold
Wow.
It should be pointed out that…
Same-gender marriages = Major sin
is obviously untrue.
But it is true that:
Joan rims = Major sin
Rams join = Major sin
Noir jams = Major sin
Roan jism = Major sin
Oh dear, if you are going to go all hate on us pastor, at least get someone to to a grammar check for you!!!
Example 1, fun with mixed metaphors; All sorts of violence are set loose with the sharia. Any civil nation cannot tolerate even the seed plant of the sharia. It will spread. It will increase crime. It will downgrade the upright and reasonable throughout the country.
Example 2, ??!!???; Therefore, Obama is like unto Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler and Idi Amin.
Example 3, punctuation is fun; Now we know that his alliance with a blackist racist Jeremiah Wright has done Obama no favors. He is linked with blackism and anti-Jew for Wright blasted both whites and Jews, siding with Muslims and black revolutionists.
And these are the kind of characters who go batshit crazy for English being the language of the US? Should it not be a prerequisite to be able to write it to, say 4th grade level first?
Hmm. I guess I’ve gotta be honest.
I’ve spent my life hood-winking the american dumb.
I just didn’t know what it was called….
mikey
American Dumb would be a great band name.
the godly will note severe divine anger settled upon our domain—from shore to shore.
For best effect, you should imagine this in the calm measured voice of a BBC weather forecaster reading the Shipping Report.
Though there is always the Julia Ward Howe remix:
Mine eyes have seen the Lord and his severe divine anger;
He has read a book on birth control by Margaret Sanger
He is trampling out the vintage and He’s making sangria;
His truth is marching on.
I believe He has brought a curse the White House because of placing the Koran alongside the Bible in the White House library. God cannot tolerate those who place other gods alongside Him.
You know the implication here is that Pastor Swank worships the Bible as in the book itself or that his god lives between the little leather-bound pages. Scary!
Swank is a poet.
Pastor Swank’s most recent posts (not the one referred to here) actually do make some sense. He correctly notes that the pre-tribulation rapture popularized by Hal Lindsey, “Left Behind”, etc., is a 19th-century invention and can’t be derived from the Bible. I was pleasantly surprised to find that he doesn’t believe in that particular nonsense, at least. However, once again his dubious grammatical skills produce amusing results. He mentions demonic forces “eventuating” (?) a “limp army of believers”, expresses his dislike for “pansy Christians”, refers to himself as a “crass realist”, and warns of bad consequences should Obama move “onto Pennsylvania Avenue”. (I assume that the Park police will detour traffic around him.)
You mean this guy? For the record, I agree. Major sin.
America is moving further and further
Transgression pull
The more America moves from biblically morality
Transgression pull
Pressing more and more for countenanced evil to be blessed
Transgression pull
The more it comes under the divine curse.
God is angered
Full of his anger
Severe anger
God will bring curses
Severe divine anger settled upon our domain
From shore to shore.
Noir Jams would also be a great band name.
Curse you Snorghagen! Now that is stuck in my head, to the tune of “Only Losers Take the Bus”!
That should be
“Only Losers Take the Bus” — the 1989 performance on Snub.
But, my friends, what is a “murder agenda” & would it be leather bound?
No, lobbey, the Gay Agenda is leather-bound. The Murder Agenda is bound in the skin of womb babies.
The Atheist Agenda is hell-bound.
God cannot tolerate those who place other gods alongside Him.
Wait, that sounds familiar…
and
Oh the horror! The evil islamists have gotten a hold on Pastor Swank and he’s become a secret muslim and …
Hm. Now I can’t decide whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing…
In other news, the Steroid-abusing Agenda is muscle-bound.
In which Pilgrim encounters the Rapids of Secular-Humanist Education, is swamped, pulls himself and his kayak ashore on the Dry Bank of Platonic Relationships, and discovers that he forgot to pack the Camping-Stove of Propane.
Now just hold there a ding-dang minute, Clyde….
I never go camping.
It will deal out major penalties from heaven’s throne
15 yards, loss of a down and 5 Hail Marys.
got slightly cross and gave some people a little bit of a sunburn.
That was in Jonah.
I’d find this guy a lot more hilarious if I hadn’t been forced to listen to this sort of thing every Sunday morning for the first 16 years of my life.
SAME-GENDER ‘MARRIAGES’ = MAJOR SIN
God set marriage as one man and one woman. That is God who defined marriage from the start in Eden.
When mankind changes that definition, God is angered.
I’m fairly certain pretending to be God is also a sin.
The bible doesn’t really say one man and one woman, it says one man and some nonzero number of women. Someone was recently talking with me about CA’s endorsement of same-sex marriage and brought up polygamy (why? I dunno, just some weird slippery-slope argument I guess). Anyway that’s apparently ok in the bible: Exodus 21, after the rules about selling your daughters.
I think the term of art you’re looking for here is “reacharound”.
[…] Hating Muslims is now the Shoebat family business: I’ve blogged before on Walid’s son Theodore Shoebat, who makes anti-Muslim (and anti-science) hate videos. I noticed recently that Shoebat Junior is also a contributor to Mosquewatch, where his colleagues include none other than the absurd Pastor J. Grant Swank. […]
e’s slightly more coherent, and I even think he’s starting to win me over.