I Feel Like I’ve Just Been Blue-Balled
Imagine coming across a headline like this:
‘Don’t go, President Bush, don’t go’
… and on Clownhall no less. Wouldn’t you just be jumping at the thought that somewhere out there in Lower Wingnuttia there’s someone who actually wants to keep that epic failure around?
Alas, Paul Jacob is urging Bush not to go to China. Feh.
Guess we’ll have to look in on old Burt:
By Burt Prelutsky
When I tell liberals that I can’t figure them out, they tend to assume I’m owning up to my own intellectual shortcomings. They figure their thinking is so profound that it’s simply beyond the scope of little old me. Well, let them enjoy their fantasies. The truth is, I can’t fathom their belief system because it seems so divorced from reality that if we discovered tomorrow that, like the pods in the movie, “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” liberals only look like human beings, but are actually from outer space, I’d be the one saying, “Aha, now it all makes perfect sense.”
Guffaw. But what makes Burt think liberals are really King Donovan (he refuses to see the 1978 remake because he hates everything that happened after Brown v. Board of Education)?
Back in the 1960s, the Democrats went in for social engineering in a big way. They concentrated particularly on black Americans. One of the first things they did was to increase welfare, but only to those homes that didn’t have men living in them.
Fuckers! You mean to tell me that liberals tried to help poor, single mothers ahead of stable households? What heartless pricks!
That not only created dependency on the part of black women and children, but, inevitably, led young blacks to grow up without male authority figures around to keep them in line. The results weren’t too great for the grown-ups, either. Single black mothers, more often than not uneducated teenagers, were faced with the prospect of trying to raise and discipline unruly young guys; while far too many black men became as rootless and irresponsible as their offspring.
Welfare queens and “unruly young blacks” with nobody around to “keep them in line”. Like, you just named my worst nightmare, Burt Prelutsky. Also, D. Aristophanes just rushed off to take a cold shower over the ‘Don’t go, President Bush, don’t go’ letdown. My name is Bull Connor.
Liberals always chuckle when conservatives suggest that instead of merely having young girls practice getting prophylactics on bananas in so-called sex education classes, that abstinence be promoted in our schools.
Well, we’re chuckling because bananas are inherently funny. I could have sworn you knew as much yourself, Burt, back when you were booking minstrel acts on the Vaudeville circuit.
Still, at the risk of being chuckled at, I have to ask what is so amusing about those millions of abortions taking place in America and what’s so damn funny about 25% of American girls, according to a recent survey, suffering from a sexually transmitted disease?
It’s not funny at all. Not least because, while cocks are funny, they’re not as funny as bananas, yet the rubbers have to be put on cocks and not just bananas to start reducing the pregnancy and STDs amongst the growing number of teenagers being kept in ignorance about same by the likes of you. What could be funny is if we resurrect chastity belts.
Another area in which liberals give every indication that they’re from another galaxy is the second amendment. For well over 30 years, Sen. Ted Kennedy, to name one of our more prominent left-wingers, has made it his mission to disarm law-abiding Americans. He would contend that he wants all guns confiscated …
Really? He would “contend” that? Can I do that too? Here’s one: ‘Burt Prelutsky would contend that he wants all black people jailed.’ Hey, this is fun!
… but any sensible person knows that the criminal class will always have access to contraband, be it drugs or weapons. But, wouldn’t you think, considering his own personal history, that Kennedy would devote his time and energy to doing away with automobiles and bodies of water?
Chappaquiddick jokes stopped being funny before Chappaquiddick even happened, but I have to admit this one’s cleverer than most.
Some people, including a certain number of Republicans, wonder why I support John McCain and, in spite of his faults, will vote for him in November.
No, Burt, nobody wonders that. We know you are a Republican tool who would support a ham sandwich for president to avoid the horrors of Hitlery Hussein Obama.
It’s because even if he’s not as conservative as I’d wish, I am convinced he’s an earthling and not a pod. When it comes to presidential elections, I am a realist, not an idealist. From my vantage point, it comes down to settling for half a loaf rather than ending up with a couple of crumbs.
My mistake. You’d settle for half a ham sandwich.
Um, wingnuts…we were saying months ago that all your sound and fury over McCain signified absodamnlutely nothing, and that you’d preen and pose for a while but get behind him anyway. Some of us even added that you’d act like you had some huge philisophical debate in your head and Saint McCain came out on top.
Was there any doubt that wingnut shills are…shills? Was this ever even up for debate?
Additionally, let it be known that the realist in Burt Prelutsky would rather vote for a guy who still apparently thinks that al-Qaeda is training in Iran.
It’s 1956 all over again: The pod-people — Communists . . err Liberals — are going to get you!! I’m not sure when, but at some point in my lifetime the John Birch Society became the Republican party…*sigh*
Oh, Burt, we laugh at you about requiring abstinence education in schools because it’s been proven time and again not to work, and yet you “anti-social engineering fiscal conservatives” still want the government to pay for it.
The John Birch Society
by Michael Brown
Oh, we’re meetin’ at the courthouse at eight o’clock tonight
You just walk in the door and take the first turn to the right
Be careful when you get there, we hate to be bereft
But we’re taking down the names of everybody turning left
Oh, we’re the John Birch Society, the John Birch Society
Here to save our country from a communistic plot
Join the John Birch Society, help us fill the ranks
To get this movement started we need lots of tools and cranks
Now there’s no one that we’re certain the Kremlin doesn’t touch
We think that Westbrook Pegler doth protest a bit too much
We only hail the hero from whom we got our name
We’re not sure what he did but he’s our hero just the same
Oh, we’re the John Birch Society, the John Birch Society
Socialism is the ism dismalest of all
Join the John Birch Society, there’s so much to do
Have you heard they’re serving vodka at the WCTU?
Well you’ve heard about the agents that we’ve already named
Well MPA has agents that are flauntedly unashamed
We’re after Rosie Clooney, we’ve gotten Pinkie Lee
And the day we get Red Skelton won’t that be a victory
Oh we’re the John Birch Society, the John Birch Society
Norman Vincent Peale may think he’s kidding us along
But the John Birch Society knows he spilled the beans
He keeps on preaching brotherhood, but we know what he means
We’ll teach you how to spot ’em in the cities or the sticks
For even Jasper Junction is just full of Bolsheviks
The CIA’s subversive and so’s the FCC
There’s no one left but thee and we, and we’re not sure of thee
Oh, we’re the John Birch Society, the John Birch Society
Here to save our country from a communistic plot
Join the John Birch Society holding off the Reds
We’ll use our hand and hearts and if we must we’ll use our heads
Do you want Justice Warren for your Commissar?
Do you want Mrs. Krushchev in there with the DAR?
You cannot trust your neighbor or even next of kin
If mommie is a commie then you gotta turn her in
Oh, we’re the John Birch Society, the John Birch Society
Fighting for the right to fight the right fight for the Right
Join the John Birch Society as we’re marching on
And we’ll all be glad to see you when we’re meeting in the John
The John, the John Birch So- ci- i- teee
I like this part:
“but any sensible person knows that the criminal class will always have access to contraband, be it drugs or weapons.”
because this astute, accurate comparison shows Burt’s willingness to legalize drugs in the second Amendment! Who knew he’d be so liberal?
…”but any sensible person knows that the criminal class will always have access to contraband, be it drugs or weapons.”
An admission that teh “War on Crime,” and teh “War on Drugs” are both abject failures.
because this astute, accurate comparison shows Burt’s willingness to legalize drugs in the second Amendment! Who knew he’d be so liberal?
Actually, for wingnuts, such glaring contradictions are badges of honor.
You noticing means you’re a liberal, therefore an alien.
Wow, you walked right into that one.
Wait… what is he saying? Only black women are single mothers? Welfare kills black men? Black men abandon their families so that their wife and kids can get money from the government? I may be a pod person, but I can’t think of any planet where that makes any more sense than 40 random words thrown together whimsically.
Let’s try this instead:
Conservatives concentrated particularly on white Americans. One of the first things they did was to increase police spending, but only to those neighborhoods that didn’t have poor people living in them. That not only created dependency on the part of rich white people, but, inevitably, led young Republican rich snots to grow up without ever doing shit besides outrageously fucking things up for the rest of us, because they (incorrectly) assume that their priveleges are earned, owned, and inalienable.
To sum up, Burt’s prescription for the jobless poor: Cut them off, arm them to the teeth and forbid them to fuck.
And people say Obama’s a secret Communist revolutionary?
Has any wingnut actually come out and declared that they won’t work for McCain? I know a bunch SAID that he was too liberal for them back when Huckabee and Romney were possibiliites. But has anyone found any evidence that they weren’t, you know, lying?
Only when their mouths stop moving.
As Dave Neiwert would point out, most conservatives would love a scenario where liberals aren’t human beings, because then they could actually kill them without feeling guilty. Old Burt would be saying “now it all makes sense” as he reached for his shotgun. I would contend (heh heh) that this sort of subject matter makes up a lot of conservative fantasies. Which is disturbing on many levels.
One? All wingnuts want Bush to stay forever and ever because he is TEH AWESOMEZ!!!!
Burt sounds like a ridiculous old blowhard, until you remember that he’s a “accomplished, well-rounded writer!”
An admission that teh “War on Crime,” and teh “War on Drugs” are both abject failures. – legalize
Don’t get your hopes up. People like Burt “Get off of my lawn you damned, dirty hippies” Prelutsky of course belief that the “war on crime”, etc., is an abject failure. Fundamentally, even though some of them pretend to be Jews (or Muslims or Hindus or Catholics), today’s “conservative” is an antinomian nihilist (at the very least Roper, to our Thomas More, as portrayed in A Man for All Seasons, who believes in cutting down the forest of laws to get at the devil) who thinks fundamentally that “good governance”, “rule of law”, etc. are all futile as people will always break laws (compare to the rhetoric of Paul … or for that matter Lenin, today’s conservatives are indeed basically Commies).
In the conservative project, gummint is inherently incapable of actually doing anything via the rule of law. Rather the role of law is transformed into some sort of communication of societal values (“if you believe fetal life is precious, make abortion illegal in order to demonstrate that belief — forget about actually doing things to protect fetal life, like improving access to pre-natal care … that just won’t work, ’cause gummint don’t work”) and the important thing is to have a “strong leader” who is among “the elect saved” to guide our society and keep order.
So of course, the likes of Burt Prelutsky believe the war on crime is an abject failure: the very presence of a law to them means someone will break it, so crime will always be present. It’s their alternative — that we should just push the criminal class into prisons and away from “us” that becomes pretty frightening, if y’all ask me.
Bigotland!
Guests are carried via motor trolleys through various bigot fantasy dioramas. Life-like manikins* eagerly await the various insults, slurs, and death threats the bigotland patrons love to hurl.
$65 gets your whole family in the door.
Come on down and hate with us!
*Bigotland understands the very special safety needs of its patrons.
Do these Townhall guys think up their own end-of-the-column blurbs? They must, because I can’t imagine anyone else doing it without retching.
Here’s a hint: “an accomplished, well-rounded writer” would not take 60 words to execute the wheezy old “what planet are they from?” putdown.
I dunno. Were their lips moving?
*rim-shot*
Prelutsky = Perky Slut
Burt Prelutsky would contend that he wants Mickey Kaus’ goat-blowing franchise.
Burt Prelutsky = Butter Lurk Spy
Burst Type Lurk
Rub Pertly Tusk
Butts Prey Lurk
Oh and also: Butt Perky Slur
As Dave Neiwert would point out, most conservatives would love a scenario where liberals aren’t human beings, because then they could actually kill them without feeling guilty.
What makes you think that they would feel guilty as long as they could get away with it?
[take three on this…fix the freaking wordpress problems please.]
An admission that teh “War on Crime,” and teh “War on Drugs” are both abject failures.
Well of course they believe the “wars” are failures. It’s those pesky liberals, what with their whining about human rights and rule-of-law and all that other nonsense. Our good boys at home and abroad are fighting with one arm tied behind their backs. If they could be allowed to unleash their awesome powers, why, they would have those crops burned, the bad guys bombed and the criminal (read, “dark”) element put safely away out of sight.
Sound familiar? It’s the same revisionism that’s going around currently regarding Vietnam. It’ll be trotted out again after we slink away from Iraq and it falls into civil war…after a suitable amount of time has passed.
Sorry, I’m doing better at outrage than snark today.
With all the stereotyped bigotry, it’s no wonder I can’t stand idiots on townhall – yawn.
If only he had to cite his accusations… his argument would be so much shorter.
Burt Prelutsky would contend that the tried & true GOP cultural folkways of either a) going in for covert pederasty, b) raping girls too young to ovulate, or c) as AT LEAST one Republican pol did, getting jiggy with a mule, are all excellent methods of subverting the evils of single parenthood & abortion.
Burt Prelutzky would contend that Democrats engage in vast sinister social-engineering plots, due to the fact that he’s a paranoid schizophrenic who’s completely perma-baked on crystal meth.
Burt Prelutzky would contend that black single mothers constitute a major social evil, because their obstinate fertility is an impediment to his sick deranged fantasies of total racial extermination.
Hey … that IS kinda fun.
I CAN HAZ WINGNUT WELLFAIR NAU?
The John Birch Society
by Michael Brown
Funny, having heard the name for all these years, but never knowing anything about the JBS, I just read their wikipedia entry. Nut cases thought they may be, they are overwhelmingly in favor of having George W. Bush impeached.
Hey, a stopped clock is right twice a day.
The fact is, the average Middle American has become fitter, happier, more productive, and comfortable. The Heartland gets by just fine in leaner times because we don’t drink to much, we have regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week), and we get on better with our associate employee contemporaries. We’re at east. We eat well- no more microwave dinners and saturated fats, we’re patient, better drivers in safer cars (with babies smiling in the back seat), we sleep well (no bad dreams), and we certainly have no paranoia. We’re careful to all animals, never washing spiders down the plughole. We keep in contact with old friends and…even enjoy a drink now and then.
Liberals are making a mint whining about the credit crunch, but we will frequently check credit at moral banks (or holes in the wall). We’re very smart- we exchange favors for favors. We’re fond, but not in love, and enjoy charity standing orders and ring road supermarket trips on Sundays. Unlike liberals, there’s no killing moths or putting boiling water on ants. Unlike liberals, there’s car washes…also on Sundays.
Obama’s elitest when he singles us out. We’re no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows, we don’t engage in anything so ridiculously teenage and desperate…nothing so childish. And heaven forbid we move at a better pace, slower and more calculated. There’s no chance of escape from the Heartland.
In these leaner times we’re no self-employed and concerned (but powerless to advance…against the Liberal Media). We are empowered and informed members of society- pragmatists, not idealists. We don’t cry in public. There’s less fhance of illness that way. We use tires that grip in the wet…after all, we love children and have babies strapped in the back seat.
The Heartland has good memories. We still cry at a good film, we still kiss with saliva. We’re no longer and empty and frantic, like a cat tied to a stick that’s drive into frozen winter shit. We have the ability to laugh at your liberal weaknesses.
We’re calm.
The Heartland, the true Middle America- we are fitter. Healthier. More productive. We’re happy, despite what Hussein Obama thinks, to be pigs in cages on antibiotics.
we love children and have babies strapped in the back seat.
Is this some new natural childbirth method I’m not familiar with?
Burt Prelutzky would contend that he wants gallons of goat semen rushing past his tonsils every single day and twice on Tuesdays.
Damn those Demoncrats and their anti-segregation equal-rights-for-black-people social engineering!
Prelutsky = Perky Slut
Hey, c’mon – wingnuts don’t use such language.
end blog whore comment
Back in the 1960s, the Democrats went in for social engineering in a big way. They created a Skinner Box that was the size of the entire United States of America and set operant conditioning controls that made the white people inside ever so slightly less shitty to the black people.
“the Democrats went in for social engineering in a big way.”
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
RWS – nice! don’t you love the warmth between Grampa and Cindy?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
No, but why am I drooling?
More of Burt’s ruminations from the nursing home.
Some people just can’t see the argument for the straw.
We’re pod people who leave crumbs? Pretty crummy pods.
When I tell liberals that I can’t figure them out, they tend to assume I’m owning up to my own intellectual shortcomings … The truth is, I can’t fathom their belief system …
I love this shit.
… I am convinced he’s an earthling and not a pod …I am a realist, not an idealist.
No, you’re a moron.
that just won’t work, ’cause gummint don’t work”)
Except when government is turning Negroes–for whom everything was going fine before the 1960s–into dependency cases, just like the liberals wanted. Then gummint works awful effective-like.
Well, I, uh… I… I… first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Hmm.
General Jack D. Ripper: Yes, a uh, a profound sense of fatigue… a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I… I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Hmm.
General Jack D. Ripper: I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women uh… women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh… I do not avoid women, Mandrake.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No.
General Jack D. Ripper: But I… I do deny them my essence.
that just won’t work, ’cause gummint don’t work”) Take 2:
Except if its in Iraq. Then that gummint is a-workin’ fine and dandy.
Then that gummint is a-workin’ fine and dandy.
Yup. Corrupt, unrepresentative and unable to do anything.
… but any sensible person knows that the criminal class will always have access to contraband, be it drugs or weapons
Heh. Indeed.
I have trouble imagining any of the current conservatives as anything close to “realist.” They’ve supported shredding the constitution, endless war, bad science, and torture in the name of civilization.
Maybe patriotism isn’t the last defense of a scoundrel. Maybe it’s calling yourself a realist.
Son of a COCK! Goddamn WordPress! I’m resending this fucker (now that I’ve retyped it) until it takes,. Your move, Mr. WordPress…
“Still, at the risk of being chuckled at, I have to ask what is so amusing about those millions of abortions taking place in America and what’s so damn funny about 25% of American girls, according to a recent survey, suffering from a sexually transmitted disease?”
Because our solution actually addresses the problem, while yours is to pray more and hope the problem goes away?
Bulletin: 15 year olds don’t always make the best life choices. Oh, damn man, I’m sorry, i should have warned you to sit down first. My bad.
“… but any sensible person knows that the criminal class will always have access to contraband, be it drugs or weapons. ”
Sooooo, he has no problem promoting everyone having guns, despite the fact that armed societies are not any safer then unarmed ones, and statistically, having a gun makes you less safe, as you open yourself up to the very real possibility of an accidental discharge and stuff.
But teaching teenagers about safe sex? OUTRAGEOUS!
“When it comes to presidential elections, I am a realist, not an idealist.”
Well, no, you’re not. If you were a realist, you’d look at the data about abstinence-only education and gun incidents, and say, “Huh. We’re doing something wrong here.”
I think what you meant to type was, “I’m a bitter old curmudgeon who thinks change is the work of Satan, and I don’t see why I should have to learn anything NEW. Hey! Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn!”
Good thing he changed that from “shiftless.” Otherwise people might think he was, you know, indulging in racial stereotypes or something.
“don’t you love the warmth between Grampa and Cindy?”
That’s true, g. Though I prefer calling her “the wealthy, anorexic, brain-damaged, drug-addicted woman for whom John McCain dumped his first wife.”
It’s more descriptive and, somehow, much more accurate.
Wait… what is he saying? Only black women are single mothers? Welfare kills black men? Black men abandon their families so that their wife and kids can get money from the government?
Clearly he is suggesting that instead of money for single mothers, the government should provide men.
Wouldn’t it be more social engineering-like to forcefully insert a father figure into a single parent household?
A few wingnuts that I know think the government should do that for “those irresponsible black people”.
I’m not saying that a father figure is completely unnecessary, but their view is a bit hypocritical…Wait, not surprising. At all.
First:
If there’s a group that has more Panglossian Polyannas than the Republican Party, it’s possibly people who use alliteration too much.
Second, to D. Aristophanes –
That’s pretty much the Taliban in a nutshell. You’d figure someone over there would notice…
Wouldn’t it be more social engineering-like to forcefully insert a father figure into a single parent household?
An initiative is never ‘social engineering” if it comes from a right-wing party, it’s “a reinstatement of traditional family values”. Didn’t you get the e-mail?
“I like this part:
“but any sensible person knows that the criminal class will always have access to contraband, be it drugs or weapons.”
because this astute, accurate comparison shows Burt’s willingness to legalize drugs in the second Amendment! Who knew he’d be so liberal?”
When weed was outlawed only outlaws could have weed.