Swankin’ In Gomorrah*
Spitzer, Spitzer, Spitzer. Let’s see what’s up with Pastor Swank:
Uh, sorry; transcription error.
US girls filled with sex diseases
Grant Swank
March 11, 2008One in four have sexually transmitted diseases. That’s what I would call a plague.
That’s what we would call not knowing that the word ‘one’ is singular.
In the meantime, Planned Parenthood provides videos, literature and speakers in schools to tell youth sex game play with themselves and others.
This is the Planned Parenthood video, Hello Youth Sex Game Play: Disease Ding-Ding Sexy For Self And Others, outsourced to Chinese branch for American teenager hooray. It is shown in schools, just like he says.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama further teen STD by supporting active homosexuality and same-gender sexcapades. In other words, as far as these two are concerned, sex that is homosexual or heterosexual is pretty much anything goes.
In olden days a whiff of Swank,
Was looked on as something rank,
But now, God knows,
Anything Goes.
Good pastors too who once spun silver words,
Now snorkle turds,
From their nose,
Anything Goes.
O-oh, The world has gone mad today,
And good’s bad today…
In the meantime, Deerfield Illinois High School has George V. Fornero, Superintendent of Schools, who supports homosexual dialogue and acts, even saying that he does not mind his own children exposed to such data. He’s now endorsing homosexually pornographic literature as required reading throughout his district.
Oh, that thing. It looks like Swank has been checkin’ the email again:
Deerfield High School Offers Pornography To Students
DEERFIELD, Ill., March 6 /Christian Newswire/ — North Shore Student Advocacy has learned that Deerfield High School, in Deerfield, Illinois, is offering the books “Angels in America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes” (Part One & Two) — laced with graphic sexual content, including gay sex, pervasive expletives, religious denigration and mockery — in English classes this spring.
North Shore Student Advocacy is, naturally, part of a complex web of phony-grassroots front groups including this — which is part of this and also this. Funding comes from the usual suspects, including Tony Perkins, Pat Robertson and the earthly riches left behind by the former Jerry Falwell.
Ah, well. Back to Swank:
Movies depict sex recreation okay. TV sitcoms and soaps do the same. Best-selling books ditto.
Or his, um, outsourced Chinese replacement. …WTF?!
* Cf.
Best-selling books ditto.
If I’d’a known that, I might actually have bought Jonah Goldberg’s book.
Drinking good.
How drinking can be good?
Drooling passing out can’t find pants.
Drinking NOT good.
Tomorrow sex.
Send money…
mikey
Get down with Swank (get down now)!
Boogie!
Man, looks to me like the syphilis is catchin’ up to the old Swankster.
I mean, gheesh…I’ve met people fresh off the boat who spoke clearer English.
Pretty soon his writing will just trail off into random letters and we’ll nower osa0o vbailzlzkq…
At least they’re not supporting inactive, totally motionless homosexuality.
Sex recreation rules OK!
Should be pointed out that “STD” covers a very large range of illnesses. Almost everyone has SOMETHING, even if it’s mostly benign. And I guarantee, Swanks has something.
Ill agree that there’s a “plague” when suddenly 1 in every 5 people dies a horrible death, covered in sores and laying in pools of their own blood a la Hot Zone.
Hehehe. OneMan is right.
“Snorkle turds”. Hee hee.
All your sex are belong to us!
Hitlery and Barack Hussein Osama are trying to turn our children into homosexualites, with the help of Hollywood and atheists who happen to not have a G*d!! Even though I’m crippled with an anal cyst, I’ll lend my now-pretend M1 Battle Rifle™ to the cause, and with the help of the Manly Militia, we’ll defeat any it takes a Village People in the cause of trying to make “YMCA” our new national anthem!!
pervasive expletives
An example of a pervasive expletive is “Feck y’all!” In comparison, “Feck you!” is a selective expletive.
George V. Fornero, Superintendent of Schools, who supports homosexual dialogue
Boys can talk to boys at Deerfield High School! Girls can talk to girls! This is the sort of perverse iniquity that makes Heliogabalus look like a dead Roman Caesar.
Movies depict sex recreation okay.
Hulk not go to movies since buy plasma TV.
Sex play OK! Gay game goes! Mockery best-selling graphic recreation!
This is the Planned Parenthood video, Hello Youth Sex Game Play: Disease Ding-Ding Sexy For Self And Others, outsourced to Chinese branch for American teenager hooray.
Fucking golden, man. You’re on a roll.
The fact is, liberals wish for USA universal homosex, which is biased against the heartland.
who supports homosexual dialogue
what, the guy lets the library continue to keep “The Boys in the Band” on the shelves?
Can we keep this Rugged in Montana? I like him better than the other one.
I promise I’ll feed him and walk him.
he does not mind his own children exposed to such data.
It is well known that every culture has a taboo against exposing data to minors. I believe this is something on which we all can agree.
I see that Grant Swank has the same attitude (and judgments) about homosexuality as the al Qaeda.
Now, I’m not saying that he is an al Qaeda mole (although Homeland Security should be keeping a watchful eye and ear peeled), but one would think that all patriotic, Constitution-honoring, nation-loving Americans would distance themselves from any practices or beliefs espoused by any right-wing religious fundamentalist fanatic group, like al Qaeda, who are out to kill us.
Now, once again, I’m not saying Grant Swank is in anyway associated with al Qaeda, but why does what he say sound like he’s doing an advertisement for al Qaeda? And espousing ideas that sound nothing like what Jesus Christ would say if he were alive today? Oh well, if you’ve met one religious fundamentalist fanatic, you’ve met them all…no matter what religion.
I see that Grant Swank has the same attitude (and judgments) about homosexuality as the al Qaeda.
“Movies depict sex recreation okay. TV sitcoms and soaps do the same. Best-selling books ditto.”
Usama bin Laden has a much better command of the English language.
If this downward spiral keeps going, next year’s Swank columns are just going to be a series of clicks and whistles.
“Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama further teen STD by supporting active phushiphobia and same-gender pooh bear – piglet sexcapades. In other words, as far as these two are concerned, sex that is with cuddly toys or transgendered robots is pretty much anything goes.”
fixed
If this downward spiral keeps going, next year’s Swank columns are just going to be a series of clicks and whistles.
Dude — ‘downward spiral’?!? You keep bracketing us with monkeybutts like Swank and we are definitely quitting this mudball, fish or no fish.
We’re none too impressed by the comparison either.
There aren’t any STDs you can catch from sex game play with yourself. When not to play the sex game, keep in polybag for the fresh. God’s law prevents all conception below pH3. Dilute! Dilute! OK!
tlock tlock Swank tlock tlock fucking insane tlock tlock tlock.
Are English be his first language?
We just curious.
I has bucket of pemmican okay. Thnxbye.
“That’s what we would call not knowing that the word ‘one’ is singular.”
If God had meant the good Pastor to know that he’d have called it ‘oneular’.
Is it worth pointing out that a decent vaccination program would prevent a lot of the HPV? Am I the only one thinking Swank is actually okay with STDs as punishment for the little sluts, he’s just horrified to discover how many little sluts there are?
sex that is homosexual or heterosexual is pretty much anything goes.
Yeah, but what about sex that is both homosexual and heterosexual. Is it pretty much still anything goes? Huh?
what about sex that is both homosexual and heterosexual.
That would count as confusion, which appears to be a very bad thing in Old Testament terms.
I mean, the authors of Leviticus had a real issue with confusion. Whenever they were groping for a sufficiently strong word to label the unspeakable horror they wished to condemn — be it zoophilia, or sex with the daughter-in-law, or Bill Ayers — they were all like “It is confusion!”
Since my whole fecking life has been Confusion, I find it hard to sympathise with them.
Hey, wait a second. Who is the president, under this tsunami of sweaty, diseased teen sex? Who’s to blame for society’s corruption?
Bush!
And who was in charge when Gomorrah ran wild?
God and Abraham’s family!
And who told Bush that He wanted Bush to be president?
God! (a repeat offender, now)
Therefore, Bush is to blame. Because the only one left is God.
Yeah, but what about sex that is both homosexual and heterosexual. Is it pretty much still anything goes? Huh?
I’m good with it. But I’m kind of that way.
All right! Stop! You win!
We’ve seen enough evidence that Pastorbator sWank types with one hand. We notice how he becomes more incoherent as the article progresses. Stop rubbing our faces in it. So to speak. Gag.
Anyhoo. Here’s what he was listening to when he churned out his latest masturpiece.
I just love homosexual dialogue. It’s so much more realistic!
It’s funnier than ‘Engrish’.
It’s ‘Swangrish’.
I dibs Swank’s pineal gland. Should be perfect to cut what’s left of Jebus’s.
Which is my early morning way of saying that whatever Swank’s system pumps into his brain, I want a taste.
A very small taste, provided it does not permanently Swankify.
ALL YOUR SEX HOMOSEXUAL ARE BELONG TO US
How unhinged are Swank and his ilk going to be when they have to say ‘President Obama’? The wailing will be worse than the passover scene in The Ten Commandments.
The guy’s getting paid to write this ineptly.
Fucked up, the universe is.
I am disrespectful to dirt!
Can you see I am serious!
Get out of my way, all of you!
This is no place for loafers.
Join me or die.
Can you do any less?
For lucky best wash, use Mr. Sparkle.
Not to go all Meta but the re-imagining of Porter’s Anything Goes is classic. I’ll be humming that all day.
And more on topic:
Ceiling cat watch sex game play self no others but and baby ceiling cat be made to cry and be blind and stuff.
Swank is in your sex pwning ur d00dz STDs!!
They won’t. They’ll be too busy hoarding supplies, throwing up a razor wire perimeter, burying land mines and otherwise defending themselves against the hordes of horny Islahomobamafascists lead by “President Hussein.”
They won’t be too chuffed with “President Clinton,” either. Hell, McCane will have to perform several more hours of ball gargling before they’ll admit he’s not a LIEberul.
Whatever the out come, you’re right about the wailing. Better stock up on earplugs. Better buy stock in earplugs. They will be a popular item in November.
So how long until he puts out a column written entirely in LOLcat?
…and start using the LOLBible
I think Swank is typing in tongues now, that shows he is really filled with the Spirit, and should be heeded.
In fact, I’m going out right now to get rid of my Sex Diseases (hey, someone has to be that 1 in 4.) Then I’m going to see about getting my very own womb baby.
But same-gender sexcapades are fun! Someone should ask the pastor if he’s ever had a “sword” fight…
You know, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone refer to a dead person as “the former”.
I like it. Once he was Jerry Falwell; now he’s nothing.
I’m picturing Plato and Socrates marching in the Gay Pride parade under the banner “SUPPORT HOMOSEXUAL DIALOGUE!”
That’s what we would call not knowing that the word ‘one’ is singular.
Come on, now. It’s easy enough pickings without this one. ‘One in four’ is perfectly understandable as shorthand for 25%.
Chris, one in four has, not have.
…not that I’m agreeing with Swank’s facts…
I think every Swank piece on S,N! should be prefaced with a LOLSwank.
“Ceiling Cat sees ur dekayin morulz
it is confooshun!”
The fact is, the LOLcat Bible is blasphemous and should be banned from the internet. Just like anything about Cuba. Or Democrats.
Ahhh, The Internet.
Remember when the entrance exam was building your own computer?
I bet Swank owns a Dell…
In the meantime, Planned Parenthood provides videos, literature and speakers in schools to tell youth sex game play with themselves and others.
Sex play with themselves is bad because it promotes the spread of disease and pregnanc…..um….wait. I’m confused.
Oh, that’s right, he just hates sex.
Methinks I have this figured out.
Elle Macpherson’s beauty: unearthily.
The former Jerry Falwell’s riches: earthly.
Swank’s writing: earthnutty.
If that ain’t right, y’all let me know.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama further teen STD by supporting active homosexuality and same-gender sexcapades.
IMHO this is the telling sentance. How is active homosexuality different than same-gender sexcapades? And passive homosexuality is OK?
Seems ter me, he has no problem with homosexuality so long as one just happens into a homosexual relationship in a bathroom stall, for example. If one actively is interested in a same sex relationship or if one is having too much fun and not enough guilt in one’s homosexual encounters, that’s what’s wrong. He doesn’t hate teh gay; he just wants all teh gay to remain with him in that comfy, cozy closet of the religious right.
Interestingly, IIRC, lesbians have a lower STD rate than us straight folks. By Swank’s logic all girls should just be lesbians?
Sorry, everyone. The Google is not can to do Chinese translation of The Swank today. At least not in China. We can get this far:
?????????????/????/ -??????????????????????????????”???????????????????” ?????? 2 ? -?????????????????????e xpletives????????-????????????
which means:
Dinner, Illinois, March 6 / Christian Social / – Northshore students publicity was informed that the dinner, high school and dinner, Illinois, also offers books, “Angels in America: A Fantasia on national homosexual themes” (No. & part 2) – laced with graphic sexual content, including sex, all-pervasive e xpletives, belittle and make a mockery of religion – in the English classroom teaching this spring.
But this is much better:
???????????
??????????
????????
?????????
????????????????
??snorkle turds ?
???????
?????????
O??????????????
???????…
or, for the uninitiated,
Taking a whiff of the past Chad have decided to separate,
Been looking forward to, on some level,
But now, God knows,
Anything goes.
Good Shepherd off, once spinning silver In other words,
Now snorkle turds,
From their noses,
Anything goes.
O-oh, the world has experienced a crazy today,
Good and the bad today…
“speakers in schools to tell youth sex game play with themselves and others.”
Man I love Swanklish. It informs AND entertains.
And god help the local school board if I find out it’s telling youth sex game play with themselves and others. There will be hell pay with itself to find relief NEVER.
Sadly, Sadly No Sadly has no Chinese language support. Hrmph.
Paintings articulate feeling post-modern many. Wandaba style is go.
The fact is, liberals wish for USA universal homosex, which is biased against the heartland.
…because all men in the heartland are so hideous that no woman would ever fuck them if there were any viable alternative.
You damn liberals are just trying to force the god fearing manly-men to BATHE!
Also….
“George V. Fornero, Superintendent of Schools, who supports homosexual dialogue ”
…wat?
I wish Swank would homosexual dialogue exampling for his column always, to inform and readership enlightening magnet.
Just for mikey, no offense intended-
Drink good.
How drinking, Kehao?
Drooling unable to find a passing trousers.
Drink, not good.
Tomorrow sex.
Send
It’s like a haiku. Much better than tasty sexy underground homosexuals planning The Swank. Watch out, Swank. You shall be planned by the homosexuals.
Next up: Pastorbator sWank will cast aside words, because Eden evil snake did Eve with words apple tempt.
Soon all of his thoughts will transmitted be via Interpretive Dance!
Pretty soon his writing will just trail off into random letters
Cool. Like Garp. “Swank!” . . . “Wank!” . . . “Wan!” . . . “Wa!” . . . “Ah!” . . . and then the thumbsucking.
Arky, do you mind if I steal Pastorbator ™?
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball sex games homosex play.
Anybody read Mamet’s “Yoostabee” opus in the VIllage Voice today? Amazing. I thought it was satire when he called NPR “National Palestinian Radio.” I knew it was satire when he called Thomas Sowell America’s greatest contemporary philosopher or some such nonsense. Amazing.
Sex plague sweeps
American girls.
I blame liberals.
Homosexuality is morally repugnant. Here in Montana if you’re openly gay in any fashion you’re going to get bashed. When I was sixteen years old I was pheasant hunting with four of my friends in a rural area outside of Billings Montana. Then we saw a local neighorhood kid which rumor had it he was a queer. Me and my four friends put him up against a fence and started pounding him. I had my hunting boot pressed against his face. Then the Local Sheriff drove by and asked what we were up to, and we told him. He said to us you boys carry on and then left us alone. Nobody in Montana tolerates homosexuality, even the sheriff was on our side.
Am I the only one thinking Swank is actually okay with STDs as punishment for the little sluts, he’s just horrified to discover how many little sluts there are?
What really upsets him is that he never got any of that nasty nasty.
And I’ve had an epiphany: Swank must have his original article through Babelfish to translate it from English => Urdu => Russian => Japanese => English. Why? Because, as with the man who forces people to listen closely by whispering, he knows he’ll get the closest of readings if his words are barely intelligible.
Oh, that Swank is a clever one.
Remember when the entrance exam was building your own computer?
No, but I remember when the entrance exam was fucking someone who had built their own computer. It’s hands-on in its own way.
And, c’mon, “active homosexuality” is merely Swank’s way of suggesting that people, not him, but, you know, people, like maybe people he knows or something but definitely not him, may have sort of gayish desires or at least unwilling thoughts about gaylike activity, but that doesn’t mean you have to sin and engage in active homosexuality. You can just, you know, say no. And maybe take a cold shower. Or something.
Just goes to show that you can Node your Janus all you want, but for prime grade-A hilarious incoherence, you gotta go with wetware over the algorithm.
For the record, Rugged, you’ve overshot Parody Troll and landed squarely in the Total Fucking Prick bullseye with that anecdote. For some reason, even false gaybashing confessions lack teh funny.
Verbs are the Enemy
Of Swankiotics.
As is logic.
Here in Big Sky Country, if you’re openly gay in either our public or private schools that carries a mandatory expulsion, as well it should.
Mystery solved: this is the guy who’s been sending me all those goddamn spams with titles like “What is that sad little tool? Make her moan with guaranteed 3-6 additional inches”. Only now that I think of it, that’s actually pretty good English.
Looks like the Better Man won over in Montana.
Poor timing–I meant Swank was the guy sending me spam, although it could just as easily be “Rugged”.
What liberals don’t realize is that homosexuals are not born that way, its a choice and an evil one at that.
They should be dragged out in the streets and shot, just like all traitors of America.
liberals hmf
D. Sidhe said,
March 12, 2008 at 17:41
For the record, Rugged, you’ve overshot Parody Troll and landed squarely in the Total Fucking Prick bullseye with that anecdote. For some reason, even false gaybashing confessions lack teh funny.
Rugged in Montana said,
March 12, 2008 at 17:48
Here in Big Sky Country, if you’re openly gay in either our public or private schools that carries a mandatory expulsion, as well it should.
Heh heh whoops.
That was me. But I’m not Randall Byrd, I swear. Well, I was just once – but only to make fun of him. I have got to remember to clean up my sockpuppets when I’m finished playing with them.
I give it a 0.55 Time Cubes. It has a good beat, and you can dance to it.
Here’s another.
oops, I didn’t read that whole Rugged post. You’re right D. Sidhe, that’s pretty bad.
Why does gay sex get the manly men so riled up? After all, if they are such strong, masculine macho bull studs, you’d think a little man-on -man action by other people wouldn’t threaten them.
Projection or just overcompensation?
Projection or just overcompensation?
I think that it is meant to be a parody funny, I just don’t get the joke.
Probably just the desire to hurt someone. Hence all the kill! rhetoric. I’m guessing either Spare the Rod Daddy and beatings, or Devout Mommy and bad touching.
Typical Republican,
I’ve admired your schtick for some time, but following on after RIM’s far-too-over-the-topness, that one was…It clunked.
Randall Byrd-
Here is The Swank ™’s reading of Poe:
This term, we signed the parting, birds or devil! : “I shrinking upstarting —
“You return to the storm and night plutonian the other side!
Leaving black feathers as a symbol of that lie, your soul??Spoken!
Leave my loneliness never been stopped! — Left the bust above my door!
In your mouth, from my heart, and take the form of Thee, from the take-off, my door! ”
Quoth crows, “nevermore”
More poetry:
Susan of Texas
Writes excellent postings now
Except for haikus.
5-7-5, Susan, and iambic doesn’t matter. Sorry I’m such a nerd.
Lol. I should know better!
Why no more verse threads?
I would be honored. But I call dibs on the Pastorbator t-shirt booth at the next Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence shindig.
My guess would be that gay bashing post was the OG Rugged, not the much more entertaining v.2…
mikey
Why do these gay guys keep sucking my cock? Every time I catch a gay guy sucking my cock, I beat the shit out of him after he’s finished.
The comment above is fake. I am the real Rugged in Montana. Gay guys do not keep sucking my cock, it was just that one time and that does not make you gay.
kid which rumor had it he was a queer. Me and my four friends put him up against a fence and started pounding him.
Cause the only thing worse than actually BEING a queer is being RUMORED to be a queer.
Damn possibly-maybe–but-we-don’t-know-for-sure queers! They’re destroying America.
El Cid, is that you? I know you’ve been trying on wingnut personas for a few weeks now.
Does this guy know he shares his name with a pornographic magazine? And not even a good one at that? Swank sucks!
Heh, heh…not that I would know, or anything like that…heh, heh.
It’s okay, Rugged. I have cable tv and I know that sometimes you’re just standing around minding your own business, and they next thing you know you’re having gay sex in the coin-operated laundromat.
I em badd typer, sory.
OG Rugged = Pink
Parody = Rugged v.2
Works for me.
Oh, and Susan- Sorry about the barrage of comments yesterday. I’m not on good terms with Blogger.
er, Pinky.
the
ynext thing you know you’re having gay sex in the coin-operated laundromat.Dizziness. Do not want.
Late entry, but scansion, man, scansion!
In olden days a whiff of Swankin,
Made folks think you might be crankin’
But now, God knows,
Anything Goes.
Good pastors who used dweebish, dorkal words,
Now from the pulpit snorkle turds from their nose,
Anything Goes.
The world has gone mad today,
And good’s bad today…
And J. Christ today
Has been iced today
Youth expec’s today
A lot of sex today
‘Cause the kids are pimps and ho’s.
So though I’m not Barack Obama
I know I can fuck yo’ mama
While you repose
Anything Goes.
“In the meantime, Planned Parenthood provides videos, literature and speakers in schools to tell youth sex game play with themselves…”
Who are the speakers, just out of interest? Is it a ‘Beatin’ to the Oldies’ kind of thing, or is it more clinical, with lots of exposed data?
What’s he upset about? Girls who insist on having sex outside of marriage are suffering the consequences in the form of nasty diseases, just like he and his RW friends wanted. Wasn’t that the whole point of teaching them that condoms don’t work?
“Gay guys do not keep sucking my cock, it was just that one time and that does not make you gay.”
That’s true, Rugged. It’s only gay if the balls are touching.
touching…what? Your nose?
“This is the Planned Parenthood video, Hello Youth Sex Game Play: Disease Ding-Ding Sexy For Self And Others, outsourced to Chinese branch for American teenager hooray.”
Some of the funnier Engrish I’ve read in a while, love it.
Aw, damn it. Somebody unscrewed Rugged’s pointy head and turned the little switch back to “evil”.
Here I was starting to like him.
This is fucking gold:
1 Teh Ceiling Cat blezt Noah and hes sunz, and sed to theys: “Haf lawt sexytime n b frootful n fill up teh urthz”
2 Teh aneemals wil be rly scured of u. I mak dem be pwned by u guyz, lol.
I can has salvashunz?
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