In Which WFB Speaks Ebonics and Jay Nordlinger Blows Snot Bubbles
In today’s “Impromptus” column, Jay Nordlinger, a Senior Editor of America’s Shittiest Website™, brings us a charming story about the sainted Bill Buckley in his dotage as well as Jay’s thoughts on why women and Negroes are threats to national security.
Let’s start with the story about that old rapscallion Bill:
it was the evening of New Year’s Day. We were at Stamford, and the household staff had the day off. We were on our own for dinner. Bill said he’d just discovered this marvelous new place in town: Kentucky Fried Chicken. He related this as though it were novel and exotic. He would go pick up the grub.
When he came back, he said he’d had trouble understanding the young lady behind the counter. She’d said, “Do you want unnnh or hnnnh?” (I wish you could have heard Bill say this.) He had her repeat it — still couldn’t understand her. Then he had the wit to say, “What’s the difference?” …
That story is not so funny on the page, I see (at least as I have typed it). But, at the time, it was funny as hell, trust me.
Yeah, Jay, it’s not so funny on the page. You see, when the punchline depends on a white guy with servants and a faux, phoney-baloney accent making fun of the accent of an African-American KFC clerk, it really helps to be there. And to think that kind of thing is funny. Now, although I can imagine Jonah’s gales of laughter making his tummy wiggle like a bowl of Jello every time he hears Nordlinger tell this story on the annual National Review cruise (“Ha Ha! Patrician Ebonics! That’s better than Liberal Fascism!”), most people probably find this story, even live, to be about as hilarious as Dick Cheney’s Karl Rove’s M.C. Hammer imitation.
After recounting that knee-slapper, Jay moves on to express his disappointment that the country has failed to learn the true lesson of 9/11, which is that only white men can keep us safe:
A conscientious reader forwarded to me an article last week, and had but one comment to make: “I am sickened.” That speaks for me, too. The article was headlined, “Chertoff scolded for lack of staff’s diversity.” [Ed. note – The article detailed how Chertoff appeared before a Congressional hearing with 10 aides in tow, all white and all male.]
Remember how 9/11 was supposed to change everything? From then on, we were supposed to concentrate on important things, and be one America. We were to leave behind the frivolous racialism that had preoccupied us in the past. We had bigger fish to fry.
Gavin adds: Sure, Jay, but did you have unnnh with them, or was it hnnnh?
No way. Six and a half years have gone by … . We can afford to go around with clipboards checking the biological makeup of Homeland Security employees.
Now if only Chertoff had told a black joke at the hearing, the true legacy of 9/11 would have been fulfilled.
William F. Buckley adds:
Didn’t Karl Rove do the Hammer time? Or did Dick do it too?
Never mind, I just found it via this amazing new thing I’ve discovered, called “Goggle” or “Gogel” or something…
Buckley went to the Colonel. Cuz his servants had the night off, and he and his TNR boys felt like slumming.
Whatever, guys. This is as funny as G H W Bush’s ignorance of the price of groceries years ago. Here’s hoping NO ONE ever mentions MC Rove again in my lifetime (unless Rover is about to be indicted for perjury or some other felony; in that case, please inform me).
Just eat the ice cream.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you today’s Republican Party, in five words.
Yeah, OTB, it was Karl Rove who did the M.C. Hammer thing initially. Even so, Dick Cheney’s M.C. Hammer imitation, if he ever did one, would no doubt be even more frightening.
At least he realized halfway through that the story is actually cruel, not funny. But that didn’t stop him from hitting publish. And it does give a pretty good picture of the culture over there, with an army of sycophants laughing at WFB’s every utterance. Ho, ho, ho! The intellectual giants of conservatism indeed.
Geepers. I locked myself out of my house and I can’t get into my basement! I’m cold and I’ve got a stick I found out in the woods strapped to my back in place of my confiscated M1 Battle Rifle™ (I’ll make those vegans pay for being so mean, someday). My Blackberry is running out of juice and my daypack is running out of hygiene products………war is hell, people!
PS, keep an eye out for a Saab with an Obama bumper sticker and a white-haired couple inside…..they’re armed and from my perspective, very dangerous!
What the FUCK is this “household staff had the day off” bullshit! I’ll bet Norman Podhoretz never gives the fucking staff the day off. A fucking day off for the staff in the Podhoretz household is when Norman’s gout is acting up enough to make it difficult for him to give the servants the thrashing they deserve!
This is why Buckley lost control of the conservative movement.
Shorter William F. Buckley: Porterhouse!
To be fair, she might not have been black, she might have been some kind of “Mexican” or had Down Syndrome instead.
As Buckley himself might have wittily responded, “What’s the difference?”
Then again, “unnnh or hnnnh” might have been Buckley having a stroke in the middle of his darkie story.
Tom Wolfe already told that joke. In at least four different books.
Ah, there was actually an article at TPM called “Cheney: You Can’t Touch This” — that threw me off:
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/003245.php
Either way, it’s superfreaky!
She’d said, “Do you want unnnh or hnnnh?” (I wish you could have heard Bill say this.) …That story is not so funny on the page, I see
Yes, you lose the effect of the burnt cork smudged face and the eye roll.
Either way, it’s superfreaky!
That was Rick James, bitch!
You need to brush up on yer entertainers!
We can afford to go around with clipboards checking the biological makeup of Homeland Security employees.
You need more than a clipboard to determine the biological makeup of M. Chertoff. I’d start with a stethoscope.
If by “wit” we mean “the same sort of racist garbage D.N. Nation has to sift through whenever he visits his suburban slumming in-laws.”
Just a hint to both my other half’s folks and to the faux-royal clowns over at NRO: “Yuk yuk! Black people!” is not funny.
From then on, we were supposed to concentrate on important things, and be one America.
One big, happy white dude American concentrating on the important things like keeping the wimminz and the darkies in line. Good times.
One big, happy white dude American concentrating on the important things like keeping the wimminz and the darkies in line.
Don’t forget the unkempt! Karl Marx had a beard!
http://flickr.com/photos/lomokev/549081458/
OT — check this post at Ariana’s place about the prostie ring Spitzer is involved in. Scroll down to the individual girls’ pages. Doesn’t the one called Samantha remind you of a certain apostrophe-laden young miss?
You had to hear him tell it. Fortunately, I have a transcript of one of Buckley’s stand-up shows:
“And what is happening with the colored folks today? On New Year’s Eve, when my household staff was off doing whatever it is they do to celebrate such holidays, I perambulated into a purveyor of Kentucky Fried Chicken, and after perusing the bill of fare, placed my order. The dusky female behind the counter, apparently non-plussed by my presence, asked me ‘Do you want unnnh or hnnnh?’ I asked her to repeat the inquiry several times before I finally capitulated and asked her, ‘Well, what is the distinction? Seriously, I am not au courant with all the latest Negro argot, so please just provision me with fried poultry, bitch!’ Am I right? You know whereof I speak.” [polite applause and chuckling from the audience]
Ah, it’s always the good ones who die young.
One of my colleagues has proposed a headline for the NY Post on the prostitution ring story: “Spitzer Swallows”
More Nordlinger (page 3 of Clif’s first link):
Emphasis and ellipsis his. Also his, the assumptions that “you” are just like he, that the PR person he hopes supplied her with these titles is a man, and that having or putting them on a reading list makes one a leftoid.
When he came back, he said he’d had trouble understanding the young lady behind the counter. She’d said, “Do you want unnnh or hnnnh?”
She wants to LIVE!!!
Little known adfdendum to the story. The “dusky woman” was working her through grad school and recognized WFB immediately. She deliberately slurred and ebonified her words. What she actually said was, “Do you want boogers or buttwipe?”
True story.
The fact is, you liberals
as “some kind of mexican”, i have to take umbrage with the insinuation that we are interchangeable with teh negroes to the republican lizard-brain. we meskins instill very distinct feelings of horror, angst, violence, ultranationalism and sexual arousal (sometimes all at once!); compared to the abject fear, guilt (which compounds on the fear) derision, smug superiority and sexual arousal (sometimes all at once!) that my black peoples provoke in pudgy conceited güeritos.
When did Rugged in Montana buy a sense of satire?
Now, wait a minute. You left out the part where the two Howard brothers and their colleague Mr. Fine are collecting the post-celebration refuse from the cans in front of the Buckley estate when they inadvertently dump the rubbish onto Nordy and Buck. Rather than call the authorities, Nordy and Buck enter into a wager as to whether Buck can transform the three ruffians into gentlemen. I don’t want to give away the ending, but pies are involved…
Satire? What kind of drugs are you on, hippie? We’re in the middle of a war, if you didn’t realize it, and you’d better get a decent flashlight if you’re planning on participating!
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=D99NHb6B03s
Whoi are you? WHat have you done with the real Buggered in Mantuna?
billy pilgrim: It started here.
You misspelled Fleshlight, Pinky.
The fact is, here in the Heartland
You misspelled Fleshlight, Pinky.
No temptation, no matter how great, will cause me to part with my essence!!
Shorter: God damn it. We were promised that after 9/11 no one would even raise an eyebrow when we children of sloth and privilege barfed up racial slur after racial slur. WHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
He forgot the part where Buckley had to repeat himself, due to his almost indecipherable faux-uppercrust accent.
But then, all of his dinner guests understood that sort of ebonics, didn’t they?
Sadly, Stalkin’ Malkin was also on that theme like a crack whore on her next fix.
Oh, Elle. Come on! My hope is, she has never heard of Chomsky — or the Survival Handbook — and that these readings were supplied on Elle’s behalf by some leftoid PR man.
There’s no way Macpherson could actually be intelligent. She’s only an actress / model / businesswoman. It’s not as if she went to university or anything…
What?
The University of Sydney doesn’t count.
The fact is, I left some skidmarks.
“And when I placed my order for the fricasseed fowl, the duskily complected biped behind the counter phlegmatically queried ‘Original or Crispy?’ At which point I, with my ubiquitious rapier wit, replied ‘That’s a distinction without a difference.’ My fellow plutocrats, hilarity verily ensued”
This pathetic piece of patheticness says a lot about the fRingeWanks. Nice dodge with “as I have typed it.” What does that mean, we wonders, we wonders. If it was funny, and his typing accurately reflects the converstation, at what point did the funny escape? If his typing kills the funny then I’m forced to conclude “as I have typed it” is a chickenshit way of saying “As I recall the incident which may or may not be accurate thank God Bill is dead and there were no witnesses to this event or what happened afterwards when I accidently spilled gravy all over Buckles.”
I was reading an airline magazine, and there was a feature on Elle Macpherson. You naturally turn to that.
And I’m sure Derbyshire piped up “Good heavens, whatever for? Her withered dugs are twenty five years past their sell-by date. Have you seen my ‘Best of Both Worlds” DVD?”
Everyone knows that savvy PR types are all like, “Elle, baby, you know what would kill here? Chomsky. He’s literally a can’t miss reference. All the Redbook readers will totally go all like “hell YEEEAAHH1!! Noam!! Man-u-factured Consent, bitchez!”
The first thing Bill Buckley had to sit through in Hell was a video compilation of every servant, underling, assistant, gopher, and fast-food purveyor who ever adulterated Bill’s comestibles. He’s been dead a while now, so it’s estimated he’ll be done watching those particular clips within the next few days.
After that, it’s still being decided whether the ‘Bill’s wife cuckolds him’, the ‘Bill’s mother cuckolds *her* husband, approximately nine months before Bill’s natal date”, or the ‘Bill’s fraternity brothers and business partners share their true feelings about him’ shows next.
Ok, stop right there. See, it has been mathematically proven that any anecdote that begins with “the servants had the day off”, or any variation thereof, will ultimately conclude with large amounts of racism, or classism, or sexism, or some combination of the three. You should really just have quit while you were behind.
“…I accidently spilled gravy all over Buckles.”
Is that a euphemism?
“Oh, Elle. Come on! My hope is, she has never heard of Chomsky — or the Survival Handbook — and that these readings were supplied on Elle’s behalf by some leftoid PR man.”
Because heaven knows an unearthily beautiful woman can’t possibly be intelligent too. That would destroy all The Man’s preconceived notions of how the world works.
We were to leave behind the frivolous racialism that had preoccupied us in the past.
So apparently, Jay “Your Bra Bomb Better Work” Nerdlinger thought that, post-9/11, we were all supposed to leave behind the petty racism of the past, where the fact that 99.999% of all high-ranking government officials are rich white guys, and move on to a glorious new fish-frying brand of racism where the Negroes and womenfolk would all shut up and get behind our plan to wipe out all the moon-worshipers of the Levant. How bitter must be his tears now that he knows that some unpatriotic souls still care about the underrepresentation in our security apparat of non-chalkies.
Good God! That we should live to see such times.
Doesn’t James Lileks have the same schtick going with Target check-out employees?
Dammit! My first time back in a while and I see Smut Clyde already scooped me. That’s what I get for not reading all the comments first, I suppose. I just got all excited.
The fact is, liberals, hmf.
Doesn’t James Lileks have the same schtick going with Target check-out employees?
Yes, and since they have no opportunity to adulterate his comestibles, they are left with putting windex in his jock itch spray and using an unfolded paper clip to damage the integrity of his Depends Undergarments…
mikey
Is ‘unearthily’ really a word? I’ll ask Elle Macpherson next time I see her. She’ll know.
The fact is, if customer service staff speak poor English and cannot understand me or be understood by me, they should be fired. No Spanish or Ebonics (which is a complete bullshit language) allowed.
On Spitzer: This would be neither funny nor surprising.
Smut Clyde: She would know. And if “unearthily” wasn’t already a word, it is now, because it should be.
The fact is, liberals expect us to be all sensitive to other cultures, including terrorists, and we are suppost to feel their pain like Clinton said. Look, they attacked us, so I don’t give a damn about their feelings since they don’t care much for ours, or our lives. This is war on Islam and if you don’t get that then you deserve to be a dhimmi.
liberals expect us to be all sensitive to other cultures, including terrorists
Man I really dig those terrorist beats.
The fact is, Spitzer is revelaed as a hollow man who crusaded for morality in business (anti-free market, class war) but had no morals himself.
The fact is, as no one can understand me or be understood by me, I have no earthily purpose to even exist.
You know, we should really all try to be sensitive to other cultures — yes, even when that includes terrorists. What we need to do is try to feel their pain. Maybe if we gave a damn about their feelings, they might care for us.
Otherwise, we might all be djinns!
The fact is, Wall St will and should bounce back huge tomorrow as another enemy of capitalism and freedom is laid low.
(anti-free market, class war)
What’s all this I hear about the antifreeze marketing of war in the classroom? I never heard of such a dreadful thing! In my day antifreeze went into the car, not into a marketing campaign to encourage children to kill each other in math class. Why I just— what? what?
we were all supposed to leave behind the petty racism of the past
No, no, no. It’s the racialism we’re supposed to leave behind. Near as I can tell, racism is . . . well, it’s racism. But racialism, on the other hand, well, that’s a whole other thing. I believe it involves acknowledging the existence of racism.
On Spitzer: This would be neither funny nor surprising.
Yeah, that occurred to me, too, when I noted how quickly Spitzer went public — from Friday to Monday? That’s a land speed record.
Why is Gary Ruppert threatening the Vice President’s life? Isn’t that like treason or something?
Nordlinger really should have saved this anecdote for Black History Month. What a missed opportunity.
MzNicky said,
March 11, 2008 at 1:31
Why is Gary Ruppert threatening the Vice President’s life? Isn’t that like treason or something?
IOKIFYAR.
Is ‘unearthily’ really a word?
It is now. I think the more standard version would be “unearthlily” (“unearthly” plus “ly”, changing the original ending “y” to an “i”).
But the eminent grammarian James Thurber warned against using the “-lily” ending, so “unearthily” is better.
And easier to say.
at what point did the funny escape?
The wrong font can just kill a presentation.
The fact is, Spitzer is revelaed as a hollow man who crusaded for morality in business (anti-free market, class war) but had no morals himself.
Spitzer? Don’t you mean Pastor Hagee?
Man I really dig those terrorist beats.
and I had some great terrorist tacos over the weekend. They were da bomb.
D00d, I’m a Republican.
It’s expected.
WFB scarfing KFC.
Just think, he gave the servants TIME OFF, too … gosh … what a HERO! (pauses to gag)
Dying is the best thing to happen to Buckley in years, exposure-wise.
Sure has gotten him a lot of attention, hasn’t it?
Kind of a one-off, though.
Say good night, Billy-Boy.
Give our regards to Heinrich Himmler.
Say good night, Billy-Boy.
Give our regards to Heinrich Himmler
I thought I saw “Give Heinrich the maneuver”. but then again, I’m feeling a little dizzy. Boy, don’t lt anyone tell you that pemiccan isn’t constipating!
‘Sokay, Rugged. Drink a little of that ag runoff canal water.
That’ll loosen you up in no time.
Better go buy a newspaper – you’re gonna need extra paper….
mikey
Drink a little of that ag runoff canal water.
Oh, I’m sure you’d love for me to do just that! From what I’ve heard, hippies have dumped their stash into water all over our beloved land, in the hopes of getting us all to take our tops off and burn our NRA membership cards. I drink only whatever runs out of the local squirrels, nature’s finest filter!
Nordlinger wrote: “Remember how 9/11 was supposed to change everything? From then on, we were supposed to concentrate on important things, and be one America. We were to leave behind the frivolous racialism that had preoccupied us in the past. We had bigger fish to fry.” In a way, you gotta admire the balls of this guy. He presents the most blatant right-wing bullshit as though it was signed onto by all Americans. Yeah, Jay, we all said “screw this concern over equality: there be bogeymen under the bed and we desperately want Dubya to slay them for us.” What a putz.
Then of course we get the same old “colorblind America just like Dr King wanted” tripe these assholes have been bandying about for the last half dozen years. No Jay, Dr. King didn’t dream of a day when any gathering of high level government employees looked like a cast photo from Friends. He actually thought in a just society people of all races would have access to jobs…oh fuck it, what’s the point?
Squirrel squeezin’s fer everyone! On da house!
Thank you all. After tonight I shall, ah, be appearing at the Titty Twister. Do try the pheasant.
I drink only whatever runs out of the local squirrels, nature’s finest filter!
Love the latest incarnation of RIM.
Sam –
“Unearthlily” is not only difficult to pronounce, it’s damn difficult to do up here this early in the season.
Ok, stop right there. See, it has been mathematically proven that any anecdote that begins with “the servants had the day off”, or any variation thereof, will ultimately conclude with large amounts of racism, or classism, or sexism, or some combination of the three.
This is patently untrue.
PS I hardly ever broadcast for the Nazis.
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