The Issue Is Issues
Sometimes a first sentence can be both preposterous and sublime as is, for example, the first sentence of Rose Macauley’s The Towers of Trebizond:
“Take my camel, dear,” said my Aunt Dot, as she climbed down from this animal on her return from High Mass.
And then there’s this:
As I said to Michael Medved on a radio show today, the issue — with some exceptions — is issues.
That would be the first sentence of a blog post by the editor — the editor, I tell you — of National Review Online, Kathryn Jean Lopez.
The rest of K-Lo’s post is even worse:
This is primary season, and this is the time to debate record and temperament. I think I agree with Jonah that some perspective is in order — but what does conservative mean? What is a conservative candidate? Do we have one? Etc. Are debates to have now, before it’s too late. Which is my dear friend Mark’s bottom line, I think.
Even by K-Lo’s woefully low standards, this is quite an achievement in bad grammar, appalling syntax and blithering incoherence. (And If the primary season is the time to debate record and temperament, what is the general election season? The time to debate boxers versus briefs, Fritos versus Cheetos?)
My guess is that K-Lo is suffering a meltdown over the downward trajectory of the campaign of her beloved Mittens Romney and that this blog post was written after a tearful marathon session watching The Hallmark Channel in her jammies while tossing down Bailey’s Mud Slides.
Sorry, but as soon as I saw that picture, all I could think about was this.
.
Jeebus, she and Loadpants are both editors and neither can write worth a shit. When is the Swanksta gonna get his shot at being editor?
First she says the issue is issues. Then she says it’s time to talk temperament. Hmmm . . . next she says it’s time to debate what “conservative” means. What’s next, how many mudslide-induced angel hallucinations can dance on the end of an NRO pinhead?
I’d think even Jonah might clutch his head and groan at reading this convoluted, craptastic mishmash.
WHAT?
I’m more inclined to believe Dear Friend Mark’s bottom line is a long, brown smear.
I clicked over there to see if there was some context, or even a longer post.
Sadly, no.
That’s it.
Are debates to have now, before it’s too late.
For great justice.
She writes her own LOLcon scripts.
Is she wearing—-shoulder pads? Dear heaven. And she already looks as if her shoulders are trying to swallow her head.
I guess it’s hard to think clearly when you’re busy Photo-shopping Mitt Romeny’s head onto the bodies of Duran Duran.
Looks pretty clear to me: ‘Who am I, where are my friends, what am I supposed to think, and what am I supposed to be now that reality has pulled the rug out from under me, revealing a bottomless pit of darkest, emptiest nothingness?’
It’s bad grammar, baby.
Are debates to have now, before it’s too late.
Make her pie sty-er!
.
Why do all of Jabba the Butt’s posts sound like she’s writing in her diary?
Rarely is the question asked, “Is our issue issues?”
Even more rarely is the question asked, “Are debates to have now, before it’s too late?”
Rarest of all is the question asked, “Exactly how much does being a professional moron pay?”
Clif (my emphasis):
Not any more! Etc.
I’ve never been able to understand how K-Lo got the editorial gig when she’s almost completely unable to craft a coherent sentence (let alone an interesting or compelling one). Here are my guesses:
1. She’s good at getting wingnuts to turn in their columns on time, largely because she makes them feel a vague sense of guilt and pity.
2. She’ll believe what she’s told to believe, and she’ll do so with a religious fervor that can overcome pragmatism, reason, and plain old ordinary truth.
3. Related to (2), she has no ideas of her own, and thus can’t really get into arguments with anyone.
4. Has no life, and is thus able to spend every waking moment doing the above.
“–with some exceptions” = my favorite part. Yes, the issue–**with some exceptions**–is issues.
In the future, we’ll be able to insert ourselves into the brain that writes this (and sits back and thinks, “Yes! Got it!”) Neuromancer-style, for a safe but spine-tingling thrill-ride of Stupid.
I just like that she was able to use “Etc.” as a stand-alone sentence.
But wait.
“I think I agree with Jonah that some perspective is in order”…
Meaning: I may not agree with Jonah. It may be that some perspective is not in order. I’m not sure.
I strongly believe that the things we most need to be concerned about are those things that we really ought to be concerned about. With some exceptions.
But that’s just my opinion.
Yes, the issue–**with some exceptions**–is issues
It is like saying “The editors of NRO – with som exceptions – are idiots.”
the brain that writes this (and sits back and thinks, “Yes! Got it!”)
That’s the part that scares me. I’m pretty sure that she *thinks* she has ideas worth expressing. Why she believes this, given the mounds of evidence to the contrary, is beyond me. But you gotta have faith, I suppose.
<a href=”http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=Mzg5MWIzYjhkZTljNTZkYzAzN2ExNWM2MDBkMjQ2Zjk=Here’s my favorite K-Lo column of all time. Read through it and see if you can find anything resembling an actual thought.
Where do they *find* these people?
Preview *is* my friend, but I don’t pay much attention to my friends. Here is the unbotched link. For fun, delete everything in that column that she didn’t write, and see how much you have left.
KLo is a shining example of Catholic education at its glorious worst. She’s so convinced of her own opinions that it simply would never occur to her that she could be wrong about anything. Grammar included.
It is worth pointing out that the higher up the editorial food chain you get, the less mechanical and/or copy editing you typically do. But there’s no indication that K.Lo ever did any of those things in the first place because, grammatically speaking, that entire post should be dragged out and shot.
My fifth-grade English teacher Sister Phyllis would have torn Lopez to pieces. K-Lo is a low point even for Catholic education.
Amen, Susan. I know any number of people who went to Catholic school, and not one of them writes as poorly as K-Lo does. The sisters (or brothers) simply would not have tolerated it. Heck, several of my friends can’t even bring themselves to use netspeak or textspeak because it conjures up memories of Sister Whoever bearing down on them with ruler drawn. K-Lo writes the way she does *in spite* of her Catholic education.
In the words of the when-he-was-good P.J. O’Rourke:
“She was full of Catholicism’s letter and empty of its spirit.”
Also, misguided big women will sometimes wear shoulder pads in an attempt to make their now-lineman’s shoulders disguise their necks, waists, thighs, etc.
It’s not good. It’s like a bad rug being 100 times worse than being bald.
Poor dear.
She’s just a low point, period.
In the words of the when-he-was-good P.J. O’Rourke:
“She was full of Catholicism’s letter and empty of its spirit.”
It’d be just as true if you substituted “Republicanism” or “conservatism” for “Catholicism.” K-Lo seems to think that the main principles of conservatism are (1) venerating and imitating Reagan; (2) saying that abortion is bad, because the Pope said so and the Pope is right; (3) supporting conservative Presidents in whatever they do.
I was actually going to go with “cargo-cult Catholicism” (or cargo-cult conservatism), given that it seems to involve an imitation of the surface features without any real understanding of the substance. I like the O’Rourke quotation too, though.
What does that pic of Hurley have to do with the post?
I have students in a developmental writing class whose skills with grammar and syntax are roughly on par with K-Lo’s. But bless them, they would never perfume the privy with phrases like “my dear friend’s bottom line.” They do have standards.
“With some exceptions” is actually a terrific interjection, if you’re looking for weasel words. In fact, the exceptions are probably central to her point.
“Conservative radio shows are–with some exceptions–civil and reasoned discourse.”
“Republican candidates–with some exceptions–have broad support from minority voters.”
“The President has–with some exceptions–been sober for decades.”
My fifth-grade English teacher Sister Phyllis….
Gawd, is that name for real? That’s almost as bad as my friend’s catholic school where teachers had to be refered to as ‘master’ and one of the teachers had the last name ‘Bates’. Poor guy.
dang. ls k-lo getting fatter? is that a recent photo?
looks to me like she ate all the issues and anything else, with few exceptions, that walked into her NRO cubicle.
Come to think of it, one of my more vicious English teachers used to attack such phrases with his red pen. “With some exceptions, X is Y,” I’d write. “So you’re saying it’s true except when it’s false?” he’d sneer. “Why is this useful?” Now, if you actually HAD an answer to the latter question–the exceptions were irrelevant or rare, you went on to discuss them, etc.–he wouldn’t bother you, but the explanation had to be there or you were in trouble.
I shudder to think what he would have done with a “sentence” such as “The issue–with some exceptions–is issues.” Are there non-issues that are an issue? What’s the issue that’s an exception to the issue of issues? Can you even have (plural) exceptions to a (singular) issue? You can’t salvage the sentence by expanding it, because you get “The issue is issues, except when the issue is character, temperament, and record.” You also can’t write “The issue is issues, except when the issues are character, temperament, and record,” because the exceptions get applied to the wrong word (I think, though I’m not sure it matters).
Heck, I can’t even criticize the sentence without mauling the English language. My teacher would have firmly crossed it out and instructed K-Lo that she should never again blacken pristine paper with such ludicrous attempts at prose.
Clearly the batteries in her Romney Rabbit are spent again.
This is precipitous devolution. Say what you will about Buckley et al, but those racist fuckers could at least write.
When I first started reading the site a few years ago, I got the impression her editor title stemmed from web editor, which has little to do with “editing,” as commonly understood and more to do with web formatting.
Jesus God that is painful. I’m trying to imagine what would happen if I took something like that to my exectutive editor and I come up with three scenarios.
1. He bludgeons me to death with his chair.
2. He chucks me out of the window.
3. He bludgeons me to death and then chucks me out the window.
the brain that writes this (and sits back and thinks, “Yes! Got it!”)
I don’t think that she ever has that moment. I’m going to guess that for K-Lo her entire intellectual life is one big fog that never resolves into something solid.
Where do they *find* these people?
At K-Mart.
I would really really really LOVE to have her and Gold’ough be the moderators of the next Repug Debate. Hmm. Yes, and a Democrat debate too! What Fun!
I don’t think she has shoulder pads- she’s wearing black, sitting in a black chair. It’s slimming!
K-Lo’s getting a free pass on looks alone.
What ?
If you had as much pent up sexual tension as that which resides within K-Lo there is little doubt that you too would find it difficult to formulate a decent sentence.
I’m just glad for the side I’m on that folks like K-lo and Doughboy are leading the opposition.
Looks like shoulder pads to me. And it could be the lighting, but yeah, she’s definitely swelling.
For fun, delete everything in that column that she didn’t write, and see how much you have left.
So that leaves:
What would Reagan do? Certainly not what Reagan did!
(I’m starting to think that, as with Jesus, the Reagan who lives in their hearts has no connection whatsoever to the historical figure)
If you lefty turds had your way the economy would be in ruins right now. Your socialist leftwing economic policies would bring disastor to this nation and we would all be living in shared rat-infested tenements and have no privacy and no right to private property. You liberals would impose a socialist nannystate like they have in France, Germany or Holland with there socialized medicine, high tax rates, unfettered abortion, multi-culturalism and equal rights for gays. The left must be defeated or it will bring about the economic, moral and cultural destruction of America.
Actually, her weight is the only human part of her. The rest is sublimation and victimization. Watch the Amazing K-Lo twist a review of Juno into a novel way to bash feminists. (Warning-she thoroughly spoils the plot.) This is why she gets the cushy chair and wing-nut bucks.
I may be a lefty turd, but I’m vehemently anti-rats.
“Watch the Amazing K-Lo twist a review of Juno into a novel way to bash feminists.”
It was way more entertaining to see the pro-lifers get moist from the plot of Knocked Up.
This is precipitous devolution. Say what you will about Buckley et al, but those racist fuckers could at least write.
That’s what I find so peculiar about the new crowd at NR. These people are the heirs of William F. Buckley, but with few exceptions (Derbyshire, Brookhiser) they’re outright hacks.
I don’t understand why. It’s not as though the conservative movement lacks good writers; consider Austin Bramwell, who wrote that superb evisceration Goldberg’s magnum dopus. Granted, he comes across as a horrendous snob (all the more so when you discover that he’s only in his early 30s)–but he can write, damnit, and he actually seems to believe in the ideals of limited government that the neocons tossed out the window.
I do wonder what Buckley thinks of all this. Can he really be proud of what NR has become, or has he fallen into complacency in his old age?
Your socialist leftwing economic policies would bring disastor to this nation…
Isn’t Disastor one of the Transformers?
Chris has a point about the “shared rat-infested tenements and … no privacy and no right to private property,” though.
I was in France last year, and between the rats and the overcrowding, I couldn’t even take a decent bathroom break. Which was just as well, considering no one owned any toilet paper….
Longest week of my life.
Isn’t Disastor one of the Transformers?
I think he’s one of the Gay Abortotrons.
But will the left bring forth the Sentinals? They’re really scary.
I think Chris St. James is a fake troll because his grammar and his reasoning abilities don’t seem to be as abysmal as, say, Dr. BLT.
Poor K. Lo. She’s still “writing”her copy with that version of ELIZA that I wrote for my TRS-80. I told her I never got around to fully debugging it.
Chris St. James is Bastion Booger is Saul. All his/her comments come from the same IP address as those left by BB and Saul.
Oh noes you did NOT drop Trebizond! Another reason why I love this site.
Chris St. Saul-Booger, a.k.a. the Citadel of Smegma:
Kid, your trolling skills rank right up there with K. Lo’s writing ability. Come back and try again when you get some more practice.
Chris St. James said,
February 1, 2008 at 21:35
If you lefty turds had your way the economy would be in ruins right now.
How’s that refinancing going, Bastion?
Grammar included
Grammar is the Jew of The Corner.
The last chapter of the book I’m writing is me playing beer pong with Thomas Pynchon. No really. Throughout the game we speak in strange, abbreviated sentences. The effect is this- we’re both talking about the game at the same time as discussing what it means to discover one’s destiny and what it means to scoff at literary canons. All over the place, I know. So the sentences split the difference between all these arguments. I think a friend’s words about Deerhoof (“It’s like watching a soccer game on Univision”) are pretty apt.
Anyway.
I think KJL is going for something similar on The Corner today. The post, in its absolute entirety:
That’s gotta be absolutely brilliant. Because I don’t want to believe that KJL is that blisteringly lousy of a writer.
(“Are debates to have now, before it’s too late.” Right.)
Isn’t Disastor one of the Transformers?
I think he’s one of the Gay Abortotrons.
Didn’t they record that big 80s hit, “Do You Think I’m Socksy?”
Chris St. James said
blah-de-blah blah blah blah
Hey Chris, just wanted to thank you for the Unitary Executive. The next person to wield it will be either Hillary Clinton or a black guy.
Buh-bye, nice day.
The Right will tremble in fear when they are forced to receive subsidized housing, feces-free vegetables, and day care for the kids.
Also, with some exceptions is a useless phrase. It’s sprinkled on sentences by weak writers who believe adding clauses on clauses to what they’re saying somehow makes the point more important.
This clause does not. It actually renders everything in the sentence moot. Consider:
With some exceptions, I can jump 40 feet in the air flat-footed in normal gravity. (Those exceptions would be every time I’ve tried.)
I think Chris St. James is a fake troll because his grammar and his reasoning abilities don’t seem to be as abysmal as, say, Dr. BLT.
His songwriting is probably better, too.
I mean, wow.
I’m fascinated to see this. This sentence illustrates the core problem with what passes for most conservative thinking.
This is where, *beyond* the politics that I disagree with, the very *thinking* involved is so problematic, it would be wrong behind *any* ideology. Left, Right, up, down, or Dimension Zorak.
So, to actually take this statement seriously, as more than simple ice-cream and Bailey’s-induced inarticulateness – here’s how it breaks down.
“As I said to Michael Medved on a radio show today, the issue — with some exceptions — is issues.”
1. How can there be exceptions to ‘the issue’ – that are not themselves issues?
2. How can an issue (singular) have exceptions (plural) – while ‘the issue’ stays singular?
3. Most importantly – how can ‘issues’ be an issue?
The very concept of an issue *about* issues, a “meta-issue”, is such a far-out post-modern concept, that it is pretty close to the cliff that separates abstract speculation from serious psychosis.
But, playing around in that realm – the only way I can see there being an issue *about* issues, is if there’s something bad/good about having issues. Now, that right there is mind-blowing enough.
But if ‘issue is about issues’ is actually to have any meaning, it can only be “Should there be issues or not?” – which is a *mind-blowingly* self-referential recursive loop of a question – because if there should *not* be issues, the question itself should not exist!!
So to say that in the GOP primary, the ‘issue is about issues’ is to either be pointlessly redundant – or mind-blowingly zen existential bordering on chaos.
This ties into the overall conservative anti-thinking in this way – this sort of conceptual nihilism is typically but *selectively* applied to small, compartmentalized arguments which will serve the individual conservative, but are *not* applied towards anything the conservative actually holds dear (or at least is paid to shill for).
I could write a thesis on this. Perhaps I should. Or at least get a college-style bong hit.
You’re missing the point.
That there wasn’t really a point. KJL wants us to talk about the nebulous issues, rather than, I’m assuming, Romney’s stiffness or McCain’s oldness or whatever. Except (hence with some exceptions) when we do. Or when her side does. Or whatever. Who cares. Just writin. Doop-de-doo.
Translation: I want all you boys to get along and stop arguing in public because what really matters is the issues, unless you don’t want to talk about the issues, really you can talk about anything you want to I’m just a silly gal who wants everyone to play nice.
William Safire, if he saw that, would stroke right out. I’m torn about whether that’d be a good or bad thing.
Mm, addendum to above. This sentence should read:
“this sort of conceptual nihilism is typically but *selectively* applied to small, compartmentalized arguments which will serve the individual conservative if they are nullified with anti-logic,”
Of course, I could also be making a grand theory about simple illogical, irrational thinking.
But I have come across similar styles of alogic or anti-logic in David Brooks, now Jonah Goldberg, and countless meaning-averse but quite driven conservatives throughout the blogospher. David Brooks is almost certainly a deliberate doublethinking propagandist, while Jonah Goldberg I think wants to be but isn’t aware or hard-working enough to bring the higher level of craft that Brooks brings to his bullshit.
It’s the origin of the phrase IOKIYAR. Maybe it comes from just wanting something to be true emotionally, and not caring if one gets there through logic, bullshit or clapping louder. But it really does seem connected.
While I’m blathering here, I hereby call this kind of anti-thought practicioner, as a propadadaist.
I’m currently accepting applications for a research grant, tenure at a Liberal Fascist academy, or a good slice of pizza.
“You’re missing the point.”
I’m sure. 🙂
Just loved refining my separate pet theory a bit more…
But wait! Missing the point about ‘the issue is issues’ is in fact central to my point!
Thanks. Once again my co-workers think I’m mentally unstable.
“What does that pic of Hurley have to do with the post?”
LOL.
A lot of strange things happened after they left the island…some things they never could have predicted…
I’m reminded of a little story from my first semester in college. A fellow student, also in his first year, was in an introduction to philosophy course. When he got back his first writing assignment, he found the professor had written one very brief comment on it: “Don’t walk, run to the writing counselor.”
Todays Conservatives (especially D’oboy) seem to be strongly anti-intellectual. Like Fascists! Unlike Fascist anti-intellectualism, their dislike of book learnin’ is due to their being Real Stupid.
This theory, which is mine, belongs to me. My theory, which is mine, is that the issue is issues, which are the issues. Except for some exceptions. That is the theory of the issue being issues, with the exception of some exceptions, which is mine and belongs to me.
I could write a thesis on this. Perhaps I should. Or at least get a college-style bong hit.
It reminds me of a bong hit I composed during my sophomore year. Now that was a masterpiece. I thought I was really going places.
Those aren’t shoulder pads. Her torso is attempting to swallow her head.
I’m glad I left that door open, and that you closed it.
The picture comes from the National Review Institute’s January 2007 summit. More images here.
Shorter K-Lo: The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.
Oy, from that first line all I could say was… uh, What?
She seems to have a point, one that for once isn’t stupid or deranged, and somehow, that is keeping her from being lucid on the subject.
‘Do we have a conservative candidate?’
‘What is the conservative platform?’
Yes, those are things you probably wanted to talk about before the Primary. Like last year. This time last year.
Now asking these questions just tells you if you’re irrelevant.
K-Lo IS Mojo Jojo!
Sheer profundity I say Sheer profundity!!
More chins than a chinese phonebook…..
I actually have a gig composing bong hits for the greater Seattle metro area.
Problem is, I always have to supply the material.
The compositions are not as long as they used to be when I lived in Bellingham, however.
I think in this case..
The issue is K-Load’s issues.
when I see that picture, why do I have visions of McCain encased in carbonite?
Ahhh Bellingham, the American city that is to pot like Seattle is to coffee and Kanas City to BBQ.
She’s gonna have trouble on Monday – Clinton’s having a one-hour town hall show on Hallmark.
It’s apparent the bottom line is that K-Lo is Gary Rupert which is the issue, they can’t deny this, indeed. Etc. It is the issue.
Those aren’t shoulder pads.
K-Low is a 4* General in the War Against teh LiebralHomoCommieHippieIslamoFascist Whoreds.
She’s got epaulets, MFers. (Buff epaulets, to be sure, but that’s the way K-Low rolls.)
K-Lo was hired because she speaks W. She’s supposed to translate, but has yet to learn English.
shorter J-Lo:
Is our pants loading?
KLo’s shoulders appear to start at her ears in that pic.
Are debates to have now, before it’s too late.
…
I just like that she was able to use “Etc.” as a stand-alone sentence.
I think both of these came from an aggressive word processor misinterpreting the question marks after the listed questions and the dot after “etc.” as end-of-sentence markers. Hence the capitalized “Etc.” and “Are”.
So it’s still a horrible bit of writing, if a pinch less horrible than it seems. But extra points off for either not noticing that her word processor did that and/or not knowing how to stop it from doing so or work around it.
I feel stupid, but is she not wearing a shirt underneath that blazer?? Or is it just bizarre orangey/skin coloured?
(Sorry for making you look. It’s just uh, really nervous-making.)
My thesis is that only non-issues are issues.
Everything I write is a lie.
“–with some exceptions” = my favorite part. Yes, the issue–**with some exceptions**–is issues.
In the future, we’ll be able to insert ourselves into the brain that writes this (and sits back and thinks, “Yes! Got it!”) Neuromancer-style, for a safe but spine-tingling thrill-ride of Stupid.
Mr Wonderful, you really are wonderful. In so many ways.
And I for one welcome the chance to live in a rat-infested tenement. I certainly can’t get enough rat fun around here, what with far too much sun and surf and clear blue sky, and far too little crowding and rodential action.
Oh, and those aren’t shoulder pads, they’re just really big earrings.
I had to roll that sentence in flour and look for a meaningful spot.
I had to roll that sentence in flour and look for a meaningful spot.
As always, it pays to scroll down to the very bottom of the comments.
Re: RandomObserver:”Everything I write is a lie.”
Ah, the old Star Trek ploy. Better not let the wingnuts hear that you’re appropriating their primary cultural reference.
“Pantload, coordinate!”