‘And That’s The Only Thing I Need, Is This’
Posted on January 24th, 2008 by Travis G.
Kathleen Parker uses a written drawl to mock media misconceptions about her home state, before dropping the affectation and setting the record straight:
On any other given day, a South Carolinian would have to hire a detective to locate a Confederate flag — other than the one on the statehouse grounds or flying over a Maurice’s Barbecue.
Well, yeah, except for those places.
The father’s side of my family lives in Lowcountry S.C. I worked for a time in the Upstate.
Kathleen Parker is full of baloney. There’s Confeddie merch e-heh-heh-heh-heverywhere.
Apparently Kathleen Parker has never seen the back window of a pickup truck.
We need a new Confederate flag just for all the goddamn Mexicans, I say.
Ya’d think she’d-a knowed better. I mean, jeez, just go to South Of The Border and you can have all the cracker-flags you want!
What is with ‘South of the Border’ anyway? I never got that. Which border?
We have every right to fly this flag we don’t fly.
We aren’t racists; that’s just a vicious rumor started by those dirty niggers.
We’re patriotic Americans even when we take up arms to secede from the U.S.
Did I miss anything important?
For the record, Maurice’s BBQ has dozens of locations around Columbia.
And by the way, the near-ubiquity of Parker’s weak devil’s advocacy just really grates. Half her output can be boiled down to this:
1) Take popular perception of something related to conservatism. (Real-column example: George Allen is probably a racist.)
2) Breeze through the reasons people think this. (Um, macaca. And the choice words he was known to use. And the noose. And, well, it was OBVIOUS.)
3) Take weak-kneed contrarian position, the need for which usually can be classified as “someone’s gotta do it.” (“Well, yeah, he said that, but can we really believe he’d, uh, be dumb enough to say that? I rest my case!”)
4) Use the ol’ when-you-point-at-me-you’ve-got-three-fingers-pointing-back trick. (“Well, liberals and um, welfare’s bad for blacks! Gotcha!”)
5) Finish column acting like the voice of moderate reason. (“Can’t we all just get along? Let’s get to know George Allen through his POLICIES, not all that other stuff!”)
And on and on and on and on.
The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that’s all I need. And that’s all I need too. I don’t need one other thing, not one–I need this!
They just can’t help it. As soon as politicians and pundits cross the South Carolina line, their IQs plummet 20 points.
Words written by a pundit within the borders of South Carolina.
It’s just south of the North Carolina/South Carolina border.
Now, you can call dumb on this because it’s the “Carolinas,” but the difference between North and South Carolina is probably closer to U.S./Mexico than any other state pairing, and I’m not kidding. The gas gets a lot cheaper, the porn/fireworks signs pop up everywhere, the roads get worse, etc. In no way can most of South Carolina be considered the first world. Sorry, dad.
Did I miss anything important?
This is a chrishtun cuntry, ‘an at’s why evahry tahm we think sumun might try ‘an slap us we gotta empty ahr rifles intuh their purty face.
Way off topic, but it looks like John Edwards has taken up the call of the blogosphere as per HTML Mencken’s thread the other day:
Dear [name redacted],
When it comes to protecting the rule of law, words are not enough. We need action.
It’s wrong for your government to spy on you. That’s why I’m asking you to join me today in calling on Senate Democrats to filibuster revisions to the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) that would give “retroactive immunity” to the giant telecom companies for their role in aiding George W. Bush’s illegal eavesdropping on American citizens.
The Senate is debating this issue right now — which is why we must act right now. You can call your Senators here:
Chuck Grassley, (R): (202) 224-3744
Tom Harkin, (D): (202) 224-3254
Granting retroactive immunity is wrong. It will let corporate law-breakers off the hook. It will hamstring efforts to learn the truth about Bush’s illegal spying program. And it will flip on its head a core principle that has guided our nation since our founding: the belief that no one, no matter how well connected or what office they hold, is above the law.
But in Washington today, the telecom lobbyists have launched a full-court press for retroactive immunity. George Bush and Dick Cheney are doing everything in their power to ensure it passes. And too many Senate Democrats are ready to give the lobbyists and the Bush administration exactly what they want.
Please join me in calling on every Senate Democrat to do everything in their power — including joining Senator Dodd’s efforts to filibuster this legislation — to stop retroactive immunity and stand up for the rule of law. The Constitution should not be for sale at any price.
Thank you for taking action.
John Edwards
January 24, 2008
Scuse me, I have some phone calls to make. Already called Harry’s Reid’s office today.
Aside from my license plate holder, mud flaps, rear windshield, front porch, garage, roof, business cards, mail box, dog collar (for my dog!), cat dishes, ashtrays, playing cards, special occasion neck tie, cuff links, wife’s garters, and kids’ (4 of them) t-shirts you wouldn’t even notice a Confederate Flag at my house!
So, Parker’s admitting that yeah, this place has a good deal of lesser humans, but, uh…they’re fake? What?
But it’s OK, I’m sure that she’ll throw down enough research to back this up. I mean, I can’t wait to hear about South Carolina’s solid public education numbers (real life: there aren’t any) or how well women are doing there (real life: S.C. is usually the #1 state for domestic violence) or how well-tendered the environment is (real life: S.C. is the #1 state for toxic waste dumps) or how booming the economy is (real life: #1 industry in S.C.? The prison system.), etc. I can’t wait to see how Parker’s gonna spice it up with some great anecdotes about well-read and classy Palmettoans to counter the ones we’ve heard in the media or, in my case, know about from life experience. I can’t wait to see Kathleen really whip out the big guns on this one. Kathleen?
Oh. That’s it. Well then.
Now, thumbs up Parker anyway for calling Huck out for his nonsense, but please- way way way more of that, thanks. And instead of turning your nukes on people’s perceptions of South Carolina, why not address how these perceptions came about in the first place? A hint, Kathleen: “Cause people are dumb” isn’t gonna cut it.
If there were no race-baiters, would there still be racists?
Yes, Kathleen. Next question.
Even if one would be willing to cede the point that the Confederate flag is in no way racist (a point I am not willing to cede, but go with me a second), then it’s still the flag of a group of people that wanted to secede from the United State of America. There’s nothing remotely patriotic, or honorary about it. The “flag” in question was used by a bunch of separatist intent on destroying the country.
So in addition to the anger that I feel when I see it “proudly” displayed because of its racial overtones, I’m just as angry because it was used by people to spread their message of “Death to America”. Gee, I wonder if any other groups might chant similar things…
Parker’s originally from Florida. She’s all yours now, South Carolina.
Driving between Iowa and Seattle I’m always way freaked out by how many Confederate flags I see in Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho. One little convenience store where we stopped to get gas had a little road side stand set up, with a great big ol’ stars n bars for a backdrop. Given all my lefty bumper stickers, I was more than a little nervous pulling in there, but we really needed to get gas and out in the wide wild west you stop when you see a pump. There was no incident, but I could feel beady eyes boring into my back. The instinct of self-preservation prevented me from yelling, “Do you asshats know you’re not in the fucking south?”
I’d bet you money that the average white South Carolinian who has some tacky Confederate flag on their pickup truck and regularly sprinkles ethnic slurs throughout his conversation would still have done a million times better job getting rescuers and aid to the victims of Katrina had they been in charge of FEMA than did George W. Bush’s preppy white Yale cheerleader *ss and his failed Arabian horse show director Brownie.
South Carolina Code of Laws, Title 1, Chapter 10 Removal and Placement of Confederate Flag:
The effective date was July 1, 2000. Note the requirement for changing this law.
I was too poor to own a car for most of the time I was at Clemson, so I rode the bus from Pendleton, SC to a bus stop on campus every school day for two years (uphill–both ways!–etc.)
There was a little game I played called “Count the Confederate Flags”. In two years, I can remember one time that the number was less than 10. And the Upstate is the cultured part of the state, at least according to people who live in the Upstate.
Parker is either blind or willfully ignorant. Don’t get me started on the state legislature and MLK Jr.’s birthday, or the middle school students that think South Carolina is a country, or the fact that your party was considered posh if you mixed the Gatorade powder with the Everclear before decanting it into plastic cups.
My god, more proof they really have no sense of irony.
Maurice’s Barbecue, truly scary place. They have about 50 square feet up front devoted to The-South-Shall-Rise-Again literature.
The guy resisted desegregation in court, back in the ’60s, on the grounds that it was against the free exercise of his religion. Case citation provided on request.
The food isn’t that great anyway. Even if you like the mustard sauce.
While we are disgorging actual facts — South of the Border was originally a liquor store, back when NC was drier than SC. Maybe it still is, I dunno.
It’s a tourist trap along I-95 on the N/S Carolina border. Yes, there’s even rampant racist Mexican jokes aplenty to go with your Confederate Battle flags. And as far as tourist traps go, far less meaningful or interesting than Wall Drug, South Dakota.
She hates the stereoypes and hates that the people in the state fit the stereotypes. And the people wouldn’t be racists if all the outsiders would stop coming here and baiting the people into it. See when you’re not here it’s nothing like that. Too bad you can’t ever see that. That some powerful smoke she must have.
It’s just south of the North Carolina/South Carolina border.
Now, you can call dumb on this because it’s the “Carolinas,” but the difference between North and South Carolina is probably closer to U.S./Mexico than any other state pairing, and I’m not kidding.
I driven past it, even got stuff from there as a kid from relatives who went to FLA, but, and I’m not trying to sound mean or anything (any SC folks here, pre-emptive apology) but that’s seems just fucking retarded. South Carolina wants to be the Mexico of the South? WTF?
Is there one in South Dakota too?
While we are disgorging actual facts — South of the Border was originally a liquor store, back when NC was drier than SC.
Well, see, that at least makes sense.
That some powerful smoke she must have.
Schroedinger’s cat would have a field day!
I’m in SC (Charleston) for a meeting. Have been all week. I have yet to see the heritage flag. Also I have yet to hear a southern accent. And there are a boat load of hot women here. /Truth
The “heritage flag”? Please.
Echoing Candy’s experience, I grew up in rural Upstate New York and rebel flag iconography was abundant. Had to love that–guys 2 or 3 generations removed from Poland, Italy and Ireland who had probably never ventured as far South as Pennsylvania celebrating the heritage of the Confederacy.
Now, why do you think they might do that? Do you think it’s because they have a deep interest in Southern American history (which, in the case of my peers, they hid very well by flunking every high school social studies class)? Or do you think it’s because they all hated “niggers” (they made no secret of this) and the Confederate flag is a universally understood sign of hostility to blacks? I don’t know, it’s a tough call.
“…or flying over a Maurice’s Barbecue.”
Pfft, maybe people go to Maurice’s for the redneck flag, but for real good low country barbecue – it’s Johnny Harris.
I don’t know what a “heritage flag” is, but I’ve been to SC and it’s hard to miss seeing the Confederate one…
I was more than a little startled to see them in the UK. Apparently they’re a completely unambigous way of saying “Hi there! I hate everyone darker than me!”
Sorry, a British person who backs the Confederate South tells me that person likes rooting for the losing team.
Don’t ask me what made me reply to her post on Townhall. I do have a bad head cold, can I use that as an excuse…? This is what I wrote:
Oh, please…..
I’ll agree with SJ Doc…at one time, for all of its other faults, the colony of South Carolina fought better fights over more important issues. I live on a SC island that is essentially a charnel pit. All slaves passing into the southern colonies were quarantined on this island; huge numbers of them died from the long passage. They were buried here and I’m conscious of them every time I take a step.
When I come down from the Ravenel (an arch-racist if ever there was one) Bridge into Mt. Pleasant, one of the first things that greets me is a confederate flag sign promoting its group’s virtues. It stands alongside the Kiwanis signs and those of other real service groups.
A day does not go by that I am not behind a pick-up or jeep that’s proudly displaying the contentious flag. That’s here in upscale, yuppieland SC. You get a whole different outlook when you head upstate. We might as well be on different planets.
I can only take from this experience at your site that Ms Parker is a complete nitwit.
Cheers…
Why do I bother?
i grew up in rural northern california, and we had confederate flags aplenty there. there was even one house where it was flown from a full-sized flagpole in someone’s front yard. gross.
Apparently Kathleen Parker has never seen the back window of a pickup truck.
In any state. I’m in Ohio and one of my neighbors has a Confederate flag superimposed on a woman kneeling doggy-style sticker as the centerpiece of a Confederate sticker collage on his back window.
That’s how you can tell they’re serious about heritage – you always see the Confederate flag associated with the classiest and most reverent things.
And although I’ve seen Confederate flags and truck nuts on the same vehicle before, I’ve yet to see Confederate flag truck nuts. But it can only be a matter of time.
Ya’d think she’d-a knowed better. I mean, jeez, just go to South Of The Border and you can have all the cracker-flags you want!
Even better: There’s a souvenir shop about 10 miles from South of the Border, constructed from welded together RV’s and trailers, that sells everything from Confederate flags to canned road kill. God, it’s tacky! But they have the best damn ice cream you can imagine on a hot day in August….
She said:
Yessiree-Bo, we’re gonna rustle up some squirrels, suck on some hay straw, fry up some catfish, eat some Moon Pies and tell lies about how Diddy killed that cockfight cheat with a deer knife, and git us some dadgum votes.
I say:
This would be a more biting response to the misconception of Southerners if there wasn’t a Republican presidential hopeful who recently admitted to frying up some squirrel.
I’m a Yankee living in NC now and I think I’ve come to appreciate a lot about the South. I even understand (I think) where the whole Southern pride/legacy comes from. But even if you’re willing to give them that, the associations are far larger than just Southern pride and to pretend otherwise is…well, it’s just as ignorant as people believe Southerners universally are.
I’d bet you money that the average white South Carolinian who has some tacky Confederate flag on their pickup truck and regularly sprinkles ethnic slurs throughout his conversation would still have done a million times better job getting rescuers and aid to the victims of Katrina had they been in charge of FEMA …
El Cid–
Where do you think those Coast Guard helicopters came from? Th’ gubmint? HEY-ALL NO!
#RWS Sez: Pfft, maybe people go to Maurice’s for the redneck flag, but for real good low country barbecue – it’s Johnny Harris.
#
There used to be a cinderblock BBQ joint on hwy. 17 between Georgetown and Pawleys that had some of the best lowcountry BBQ. I can’t remember the name, but I knew I’d found the right place when I saw the sign that said: “You’ve seen the beach, now go back to New York!”
“Well, a flag by the statehouse doesn’t count, you see.” Right.
Call me eeeeevil, but next time these ignorant people get their hand caught in a wrathful farm instrument(?), I hope their asses are saved by the blackest, Mexican-est, Yankee-est, liberal-est, gayest Jewish Frenchman evar to ex!zt.
Then how could they justify their crazy shit….? (No, really, feel free to discuss.)
And although I’ve seen Confederate flags and truck nuts on the same vehicle before, I’ve yet to see Confederate flag truck nuts. But it can only be a matter of time.
Nothing signifies patriotism and respect for our troops like equipping the trailer hitch on your pick-up with “camo truck nutz. “
I say:
This would be a more biting response to the misconception of Southerners if there wasn’t a Republican presidential hopeful who recently admitted to frying up some squirrel.
So teh wingnut stupidity is caused by “supersizing” their prions, instead of by coke or ethanol?
On any given day you’d have to hire a detective to find a dead body in my apartment, other than the one lying in the hall and the other propped up on the couch.
Well, I lived in SC until 2003 and the guy who lived at the top of the street (we lived on a steady incline) did us all the honor of placing a massive confederate flag atop his home.
But I’m sure that was the only other one besides the statehouse and the bbq place.
Alabama farm boys make fun of the way people from South Carolina talk.
LA (Lower Alabama) is the Mexico of the South. If you want a life changing experience, try driving from Columbus, GA to Panama City, FL one of these days. I drive that route at least once a year because my parents live in Atlanta, and my inlaws live in Panama City.
No. Wall Drug is another mega tourist trap like South of the Border, but even with all of its kitsch, it has more class than SotB.
So, essentially, what she’s saying is that South Carolina is like a refrigerator: the light only turns on when you open the door, so stop opening the door already.
Did South Carolina legalize peyote while I wasn’t paying attention?
I know it’s a different state and all, but I saw one of these today. And I’m in California. It’s not really a stretch to think one or two traveling Virginians might show up in SC every now and again.
But the fact-challenged nature of the assertions isn’t Parker’s problem. Her job is to get insane wingnut bullshit like this into the newspapers, and there are still enough people of the “they can’t print it if it’s not true” school of thought that will read it and believe it. Propaganda catapulted = job done.
If I lived in SC, I’d wander around with a camera for an afternoon and mail those photos, time- date- and location-tagged to her editor, her syndicate, Parker herself, and the op-ed page editors of the papers that syndicate her. Get 5 or 10 or 100 other people to do the same thing, she might get dropped from a few of those papers.
On any other given day, a South Carolinian would have to hire a detective to locate a Confederate flag
Yeah, drive down US 25 across the state line from NC, and it’s not as if you don’t pass the fireworks barn and the Dixie Store straight away. Oh, you do.
the Upstate is the cultured part of the state, at least according to people who live in the Upstate.
Quite. Charleston is an oasis of loveliness, but to get to it, you have to go through the rest of SC.
And yeah, Lower Alabama is a headfuck.
Senator Ted said:There’s nothing remotely patriotic, or honorary about it. The “flag” in question was used by a bunch of separatist intent on destroying the country.
Thats what I don’t get, so called patriots, celebrating a separatist led civil war that came damn close to succeeding. Its a good thing they weren’t damn Europeans at that time in history, or they would all have been strung up and shot.
I see those flags pretty regularly and I live in freakin’ Nevada. A state that was carved out of the Utah Territory specifically to give Lincoln a few more electoral votes.
Here’s the best part- University of Nevada Las Vegas’ mascot is “The Runnin’ Rebel” which is a cartoon version of a Confederate general. He looks like Yosemite Sam with longer legs and a grey coat.
(Despite that bit of wierdness, UNLV does have an excellent history department.)
You mean I’m not black!?
I’ve lived in Columbia, SC for over 9 years (I was born and raised in NY) and Parker is full of it. I pass by Maurice’s on my way to work, see at least a few flags each day on passing pick-up trucks, and then walk by the State House at lunch time. There is even a show on AM radio on the weekend named Sons of the Confederacy (strangely, this is the same station that airs Air America programming).
This is my absolute favorite part of that article:
You see, racism is the fault of people who complain about racism. PROBLEM SOLVED
I’m picking out a thermos for you!
Sorry, a British person who backs the Confederate South tells me that person likes rooting for the losing team.
It almost makes more sense, historically speaking, in Britain than in places like Nevada and Montana. Lord Palmerston was openly enthusiastic about a Confederate victory and did what he could short of actually entering the war to help them along. An independent south would have checked rising American power, given Britain a low-tariff market for manufactured goods, and ensure access to cotton for its textile factories. It would have been like a big ol’ homecoming.
To Henry Adams tell it, if his daddy hadn’t been the most brilliantest ambassador EVAR, George Bush would have been Tony’s bitch and not the other way around.
If there were no race-baiters, would there still be racists?
If there were no uppity n*ggers, would there be lynchings?
The people who run South of the Border != All of South Carolina.
Most South Carolinians I’ve met/are related to think SotB makes a mockery of their existence, which it does. The people who looooove SotB are the Yankees making their way to Florida down I-95.
Funny thing about the story upthread of someone who counted Confederate flags on his morning bus ride, and never got below 10.
I remember there was a time – I think maybe during the 2004 election – where some fake scandal arose about flying the American flag (Apparently, liberals don’t fly them), and just for a lark I spent my morning commute counting American flags I saw.
There are at least 10 on my morning commute, not counting the ones flown on cars.
And I live in one of the most liberal cities in the country.
Didn’t count Confederate flags – maybe I should do that today!
The people who run South of the Border =!= All of South Carolina.
Well, yeah, I know. Hence the apology. No offense intended. Except for Kathleen, of course.
Well, Kathleen and S.C.: If at first you don’t secede …
The truth is, the Confederate Flag is not a symbol of rascism. It is a symbol of Southern Pride and Patriotism. The South/Heartland is the most Patriotic area in America and the Confederate Flag is a symbol of that Patriotism. Just as the regular American Flag is a symbol of American Patriotism the Confederate Flag is a symbol of the Patriotic part of America meaning the South and the Heartland as opposed to the liberal coastal sespool areas. I live in Texas a former State of the Confederacy and I have a big Confederate Flag on the back of my Ford F-350 and no one so much as bats an eye lash over it because in Texas as else where in the Heartland the Confederate Flag is the symbol of Traditional America.
i was in south carolina for about a week during christmas.
the only private detective that couldn’t find a confederate flag in that state would have to either be blind or brain dead.
Regular American flag?
Boy, ’round these parts, we call it the American flag.
Hey, B. Booger…love your nouveau style of spelling and punctuation. I especially loved ‘sespool.’
Yep. However, the people I saw displaying the CF over there were out breaking bottles over old ladies’ heads when the teacher covered The Role of Britian in the United States Civil War.
[Warning: Goodwining Ahead]
It is a bit like expecting skinheads to appreciate the history and symbolism of the broken cross.
I guess Ms. Parker had her eyes closed on the way from the airport.
She could, you know, go down to the Battery in Charleston and count the TIDOS flags there. Or North Charleston. Or Mount Pleasant. Or James Island (I could go on).
PS: Pass Johnny Harris’s and go to Charlie Teeple’s (just before the Wilmington River bridge in Thunderbolt, GA).
Kathleen Parker is caused by global warming.
Dear Ms. Parker,
Here is the Redneck Shop in Laurens, South Carolina.
This is what the inside looked like when it opened in the mid-90’s.
Kisses!
p.s. – Note all the “heritage flags” on the outside of the building. I’m sure that’s purely coincidental.
Woah, flea, is that a Ku Klux Klan jogging suit?
It’s what the well-dressed Klansmen are wearing these days.