Ooh, a talkie. And my God, how do those people hold their composure so well?

What’s really great is how about 20 minutes in, he takes a drink of water and keeps talking and you never see his lips move. What’s not so great is that the one with the Warlike Yanomamo haircut doesn’t seem to be talking either.

Key has the text here.

He says he started fights with his wife so he could watch porn. Maybe I can get laid by working it in reverse and starting fights with porn so I can meet a real chick!

I was most shocked to hear that 12-17 year olds were the most common “users” of porn. Next you’re going to tell me that my cat only loves me cause I feed it!

Ten kids from five marriages and he still had time to watch porn … this is one horny dude! Vivid Entertainment Group better sign him up now while he’s a free agent.

I can marry my porn?! Sorry ladies, I’m already spoken for.

Purrnography?

10 kids? 5 marriages? If anything, this man needs MOAR pr0n!

Wait, there’s porn in churches now?

I may have to rethink my worldview now.

It’s true. Pornography IS in the grade schools. Just as much as drugs are.

Also, I notice that Grandparents get the message for their offspring, but Parents are required to listen for the spawn AND themselves, thus denying the grandparents the opportunity to be corrupted by Satan. In which case why bother sending the message to anyone? As soon as their Satanic, frenziedly-mating offspring give birth themselves, they’ll be grandparents and thus free of the scourge.

He became addicted at ten?? Wow, he must be from Brazil.

I’d be interested to know the phrasing of the google search that turned up this particular talking postcard.

He kind of undermines his whole point when he notes the revenue statistics of porn in the U.S. With $12+ billion a year in revenues, porn is a major component of the economy. It also drives the adoption of technology — first VCRs, then the Internets…. Ain’t no way it’s going away, and certainly not because it makes Jesus cry.

but we do have a God given desire for sex (marital sex)

I have craved sex of the non-marital variety as well. Who gave me that desire?

We’ve taken it all, from the Katrina Kraven DVDs to the midget-porn magazines, and left it in a trash can by the curb.

Uh, and you live where?

Does this mean I have to put away my pornograph?

I have craved sex of the non-marital variety as well. Who gave me that desire?

Could it be…SATAN?!

By the way, does MILF lust qualify as craving marital sex?

Discuss.

Well, the first shot put me off porn for, oh, at least five minutes.

The last time I heard a voice like that was after the phone rang in the middle of the night.

DO NOT WANT.

As I commented once on alicublog, they can have my porn when they pry it from my dead, sticky fingers.

(is it a blogging sin to re-use your one good comment?)

Gosh, I wish I could blame all my screw ups on porn.

“I was already married to porn for 8 years”

Why did nobody tell me that you could marry material or fictional characters? *goes off to marry Tohno Akiha*

Thanx for the transcript… lot’s of fun since video is blocked at work.

“Well, just because someone sort of gets hooked on a little porn doesn’t mean they are going to get into indecent exposure.”
No, it sure doesn’t- BUT there is conclusive proof that most rapists and child molesters have porn addictions also.
Get the point?

Yes. The point is you don’t understand statistics or logic!
Some rapists have porn addictions.
You have a porn addiction.
Therefore, um… you are a rapist? Sadly, no!
(My favorite form of this fallacy was the old “All cats die, Socrates is dead, therefore Socrates was a cat!”)

It’s time for people to stop playing ostrich.
I really don’t know what to add to that, but putting that phrase in an essay about pornography just begs for some snarking.

you know it but are too embarrassed to say anything about it, or you don’t want to embarrass the other person. When that happens,guess who wins?
Umm, the person with the pornography?
Satan Wins!
Oh, right. That was going to be my second guess.

I was placed in a single man cell for my own protection.
Again… who puts phrases like these in an essay about porn?

I had been a lukewarm Christian for 33 years, and let me just interject here
What is wrong with this guy!

What does the Lord say in Rev. 3:15-16? If you’re lukewarm I’ll spew you out of My mouth.
From your single man cell, after you’re done playing ‘ostrich’…

We seem to forget about God when all is going well, but let things get bad and we hit our knees in a hurry!

Now he’s just messing with us.

I knelt beside the steel bunk and cried out again, “Please, please help me!”
He said, “Give it to me, give me all your sin.”
I started to cry so hard–I was sobbing and my whole body was shaking. He said again, “Give it to me.” My eyes were tightly closed and I was afraid to answer because it felt like God was right there with me.
Yes…. it was “God” that was right there with you… telling you to “give it to me”…. yeah… I’m starting to see how prison was a real life-altering experience for this guy…

I have since devoted the remainder of my life to doing battle against this very strong tool of Satan.
“Paging Pastor Swank. Pastor Swank to the airport men’s room, please…”

Go down into your basement and clean house! You might as well…God knows what’s there, anyhow.

Remember folks, this man is a licensed minister!

Wait, I need a clarification.

Is it pr0n if the pictures are of your significant other?

Does it become pr0n when you break up?

Is any visual aid to masturbation pr0n?

Where does erotica stop and pr0n start for these horn dogs?

I demand answers!

Oh, and first marriage at 18, then 5 failed marriages in 3 years… dude, its not porn thats your problem.

Rodeobob-

Too funny!

I’m going to drop one little OT chestnut here and then get back to work:

The security guard at that Colorado church had been a Minneapolis cop. She was fired there after lying about swearing at a bus driver.

http://www.startribune.com/local/12356581.html

“BUT there is conclusive proof that most rapists and child molesters have porn addictions also.”

They also ate bread. BAN BREAD!

Where does erotica stop and pr0n start for these horn dogs?

That’s a trick question on so many levels.

(is it a blogging sin to re-use your one good comment?)

Heavens, no. It’s pretty much required.

Gosh, I wish I could blame all my screw ups on porn.

That summarizes everything I was thinking of saying. The folks like the guy in this vid need help, but not the kind of help they think they need.

(God) said ‘Give it to me!’… I filled the bed again and again… this very strong tool of Satan’s …then shall I be upright …allow the truth to go into our inner parts.

This guy definitely knows his way around smut.

I kept thinking, dude, it wasn’t the porn that got you locked up in a single man cell, it was the weinie wagging. D’oh!

Okay, without looking, which of these are from that speech and which are Tobias from Arrested Development?

“If you’re lukewarm I’ll spew you out of my mouth”
“Let things get bad and we hit our knees in a hurry”
“even if it means taking a chubby, I will suck it dry!”
“Give it to me”
“I always end up on all fours. Like a cat.”
“Doing battle with this very strong tool.”
“I’d give him a kiss between the cheeks. So to speak”.

Oh, you know how it is, you get some kind of addiction, get in to trouble over it, do a 12-step program that’s supposed to teach you to own up to your mistakes but instead you blame the substance because it can’t be that there’s something wrong with you because then you couldn’t love yourself.

Er, “love yourself” in the non-wanking sense.

Wait, there’s porn in churches now?

Along with the armed guards shooting to kill.

I agree with Arky-C about this guy’s voice…I could only listen for a minute to the dripping, unctous syrupy quality of this pervert’s voice until it’s vibrations started melting my ears!

Worst moneyshot evar!!

I hate it when the screen cap leads you to believe the video is going to be a lot hotter than it is.

ministry really is about lecturing people sternly about shit which the minister tends not to understand, or understands in an ex-trotskyite-became-david-horowitz kind of way.

i hate religion.

He should call his weekly sermons “Don Key Punches”.

Gaaah! He just drones on and on and on! His voice, so monotonous and all laden with manly fake gravitas! IT IS INSIDE ME!!!

*whimper*

What wagonjak said. I just could not hang w/ the audio. THAT guy was Satan…

Wow, RodeoBob, good work, I couldn’t stay on for eight seconds, I was laughing too hard.

Ow!

Dammit.

That’s the third time I’ve fallen asleep and it’s only been 6 minutes.

I think I’m going to replace my white noise machine with that guy’s voice to help me sleep from now on.

See, this is what I love about this site. I never knew about Katrina Kraven until today.

Hm. Wonder if she was in any Gor books…

Hey, Leonard, I resemble that!

BTW-

Have you heard the Valley yet? I saw them this weekend and they rocked!

I like how he keeps calling it puh-nar-graphy. I couldn’t make it past the first minute or so. It wouldn’t be that hard to, you know, change that picture and re-upload it. Just saying.

I knelt beside the steel bunk and cried out again, “Please, please help me!”
He said, “Give it to me, give me all your sin.”
I started to cry so hard–I was sobbing and my whole body was shaking. He said again, “Give it to me.” My eyes were tightly closed and I was afraid to answer because it felt like God was right there with me

Give me all your hot, monkey sin.

Good God. deliver us from those who are and teach us to be afraid of our own sexuality. I was reading Chris Brookmyre’s Not the End of The World when I came across this. There is confluence. You should read him. He’s Scottish.

I like pie…ctures of naked women.

When I was a boy, I got my first taste of monster trucking from a neighbor down the street. He had a video from the state fair of huge trucks pounding tiny cars. That started a lifelong addiction to monster trucks. I asked for toy monster trucks, tickets to monster truck shows, and any other chance I would have to peek at large, oversized tires and enormous exhaust pipes shooting fire.

When I was 18, I finally bought my first in a series of pickup trucks. It was a Ford Ranger with extra knobby tires and a raised suspension. I saved the money from my high school job at the adult book store. At first, I felt pretty good , riding high in my truck. But I kept fantasizing about monster trucks, and my truck, no matter how big its tires, couldn’t do what those monster trucks could do. I finally sold it.

I bought a second, even bigger truck, but felt the same dissatisfaction. I drove it to local fairs and race tracks, leaving it in the parking lot while I snuck inside to oggle the monster trucks. I fell into a cycle of buying and selling trucks, each one bigger than the previous one, not caring about what I was doing to my family or the blue book value, as long as it was bigger. Finally, I marshalled all my financial resources and bought my own monster truck. I sacrificed a lot, but it was worth it.

Or so I thought. You see, I had a monster truck, but I couldn’t legally do monster truck things with it. I started to take it to swap meets and carnivals, and for a while that was enough. But soon I wanted to do monster truck things all the time. I started crushing cars on public streets, leading to my first arrest. That didn’t stop me. The final straw came after I drove my monster truck through a police parking lot full of parked squad cars. I went to prison for that. That’s when I realized I had become an even bigger monster than my truck.

I found Jesus and asked him to help me cure my monster truck addiction. Because monster trucking is just like heroin. I hope parents, grandparents, and everyone will heed my warning. There is no such thing as being a little bit addicted to drugs, just as there is no such thing as a little monster trucking.

The fact is, homosexuality is evil because it tempts the sexes away from procreation and toward sick pleasure of no purpose. Men know best how to pleasure themselves, so they do. So do women. It is about selfishness in self abuse.

I’m sorry, this has nothing to do with anything. But this preening Dan Riehl commenter makes my chuckle on a daily basis.

++++++++++++++++++++
To be honest Dan…

… this may well be the beginning of the end for te GOP, as all life coalesces back into the Dhimmicrat party.

I cannot in good conscience vote for Romney, Rudy, or Huckabee… and if any of them get the nom over McCain or Fred Thompson… I might as well just do my part to speed this doomed and damned nation to her demise at the hands of almighty Hillary and the Dhimmi-socialist party.

Mark my words though: Unless Fred or John McCain by some divine miracle win the nomination – the GOP is FINISHED. Dead rotting elephant carcasses. Permanent Dem single-party rule for the remainder of my generation, and then, civil war once what is left of an American sense of liberty can no longer stand the hellish bed of totalitarianism we have made for ourselve.

Woe unto our generation, and to that of our parents, who will ruthlessly hewn down and consumed by our own greed, as our children and grandchildren will never trust their elders after the horrors to be visited upon them because of our carelessness and failure to pass down to them the values of our grandfathers and great-grandfathers who built America up in the Edwardian and Victorian ages.

Perhaps after the revolution, I might be fortunate to find myself in whichever of the new nations emerge from the coming American Civil War II has something resembling the country I once knew… or perhaps not, as we all degenerate into a filthy, stinking sub-Saharan African-style cesspool of tribal and local governments and cycles of ethnic cleansing before the Lord Jesus comes in His full glory to redeem His people and destroy this present world and slay the wicked with the breath of His mouth.

Were it not for the hope of the Kingdom to come, this would be extremely depressing.

Lord Jesus, come soon!

Posted by: seekeronos | Tuesday, December 11, 2007 at 03:05 PM

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Proving that typing while masturbating CAN be accomplished!

I can’t take too much credit. The video is blocked at work, so I had to work from a transcript. Which means while I missed out on the wonderful pronunciation of ‘pornography’, I did wind up flashing back to the neo-Nazi store ownder from Falling Down while reading his “give it to me” section about being in prison and kneeling by the bunk. So, the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Or something like that.

This reminds me of a great lesson that we learned in sunday school once. The diagram on the chalkboard was:

softcore porn –> hardcore porn –> child perversions –> DEATH

The teacher played us a hilarious video and then told us about how he had been molested when he was young and that was why he was addicted to porn. That was less hilarious.

So far I’m at step two. I’m hoping to skip step three and go straight to four – but not just yet.

Playing ostrich?

Is that anything like playing hide the salami? I’m always eager to expand my sexual activities!

Brando. That is ::sniffff:: one of the saddest and most inspiring ::snifff:: stories I have ever heard ::sifff:: BBBththththtTTT ::sniffffle::. Thank you for sharing.

But most of all, use sunscreen…

“Gary Ruppert said,

December 11, 2007 at 22:57

The fact is, homosexuality is evil because it tempts the sexes away from procreation and toward sick pleasure of no purpose. Men know best how to pleasure themselves, so they do. So do women. It is about selfishness in self abuse.
”

Everytime he says “Pronography” you have to stroke,…. see if you can make it to the end without errr,… climaxing

I would have said do a shot of beer, but I don’t think anyone could drink that much beer in 20 minutes.

Woe unto our generation, and to that of our parents, who will [be?] ruthlessly hewn down and consumed by our own greed…

Actually, THC, that part makes a bit of sense. I can’t figure out what the hell he’s going on about in the rest of it. Must be one of those things that has to be supported by a big card-house of assumptions you learn on the Riehl site.

Lord Jesus comes in His full glory to redeem His people and destroy this present world and slay the wicked with the breath of His mouth.

Yep, definitely the religious view of mouth breathers. How sad.

I was most shocked to hear that 12-17 year olds were the most common “users” of porn.

I’m no statistician, but if pornography is an insidious monster that engulfs people into its gaping, evil maw and traps them for life, shouldn’t the “use” of pornography increase with ages, rather than decrease?

I knelt beside the steel bunk and cried out again, “Please, please help me!”
He said, “Give it to me”

This is the first movie I’ve seen where the man says “give it to me”–heyooooh!

Dude.

That guy’s name is Don Key. No wonder he’s fucked up.

does anyone else hear the clicking, metallic noise in the background as he speaks? ugh, it’s like Satan whispering. oh wait no, porn is like Satan. wait. what?
I need to stop listening to this…

Lord Jesus comes in His full glory to redeem His people and destroy this present world and slay the wicked with the breath of His mouth.

Will someone pass Lord Jesus the Listermint?

Hi!

Woah, dude, Your breath is awful! It’s like something died three days ago and wait, what?

“Perhaps after the revolution, I might be fortunate to find myself in whichever of the new nations emerge from the coming American Civil War”

Nation naming contest !!

Go !

I was hoping he’d get around to explaining what porn had to do with his being a flasher.
I mean, porn seems to be about watching more than being watched. I’ve seen lots of odd porn, but it all seems to be about looking at other people…er, and things. (The things are also people, sometimes.)

On the other hand, if you spend hours looking at porn, you aren’t doing it properly.
Maybe he just needed lessons.

Notorious P.A.T. said,
This is the first movie I’ve seen where the man says “give it to me”–heyooooh!

You missed the popcorn house scene in “Real Genius”????

Gary Ruppert said,

The fact is, homosexuality is evil because it tempts the sexes away from procreation and toward sick pleasure of no purpose.

Goodness knows we would only want purposeful pleasures like gang-raping a girl in a cargo container…

Nation naming contest? Yay!

America, Y’all
New Confedarusee
Redneckistan
Coca Cola Presents: Georgia!
Greater Reaganopolis Reaganarea Reaganpublic (thanks Grover Norqvist)
Baja Canada
Midwestern Mutant Contaminated Zone

Greater Reaganopolis

we have a winner

Stuff like this baffles me.

I like porn as much as the next person – as long as the next person is someone who likes pornography, of course. But picking a fight with an actual flesh and blood person with whom you could have sex so that you could go watch porn? I cannot even imagine.

Seriously – how many people, given a choice between real sex with someone they love, and petting the kitty to pornography, would choose the latter? Heck, most of my interest in porn at this point comes from the fact that I haven’t had a significant other in (mumble, mumble) years, and eventually you reach a point in your life where the thought of picking up a person in a bar, or doing the blind date thing, and taking them home sounds about as erotic as a gynecological examination.

If you’re turning down sex to watch porn, I humbly submit that the pornography is not your problem.

Don Key? That makes it a “Don Key Show” doesn’t it?

What a fucking sap. Just as w/ drugs & other drugs (liquor) if you have a problem, there’s something deeper causing the symptoms of excessive smut or intoxication. But we’ll blame Satan & smut, rather than being sexually molested, otherwise abused, sent off to war, or whatever, & taking responsibility by getting some brain help.
Is there anything in the bible about smut? ‘Cause Ol’ Don says they only preach the KJV bible at his church.

“Ever-where.”

I’ve looked at some smut in my life. Once or twice. Mostly made me laugh. And I’ve never wanted to wave my weenie at strangers. (“I swear, officer, I was just taking a piss. I didn’t even know that Girl Scout troop was there.”)

[T]he values of our grandfathers and great-grandfathers who built America up in the Edwardian and Victorian ages.

Ah yes, the Robber Barons. Those are some values. And nothing was built “up” after WWII, when the rest of the industrialized world was a smoking ruin. Nope, it was values like the 60-hour work week, child labor, slavery, impure food & drugs, trusts, yada yada that built this country “up.”

Jillian: take a look at Pastor DonKey’s wife, or whoever that is next to him. I’d have to guess that he’s not interested in her, & she’s not interested in “it.” Of course, any one who becomes a porn addict at ten & waggles his weenie has some pretty serious issues w/ sex anyway, though I doubt if he was turning down sex w/ wifey for porn.

If you’d like to move out here & pay for everything, I’m available. (Which just shows what a prize I am.) It’s like Florida, but not as humid, & the cucarachasPalmetto bugs aren’t as large.

But he’s claiming this all started when he got married the first time – at eighteen.

An eighteen year old guy turning down sex to watch porn? That’s so wrong it’s scary.

Oh, and someday when I’m rich, you can be my kept man! 😉

The real tragedy here is Key’s flagrant abuse of horse tranquilizers, based on that audio. Interventions aside, though, this whole site is a gold mine of hilarity. Check out the “Alarming Stats!” page. Some highlights:

Sexual solicitations of youth made in chat rooms: 89%
Received unwanted exposure to sexual material: 34%

I don’t think those are complete statistics.

Children’s character names linked to thousands of porn links: 26 (Including Pokemon and Action Man)

I suspect Key is the only person surprised that googling “Action Man” is going to turn up some porn. Otherwise, this seems pointless. Let’s do a quick google check on Pokemon (with Safe Search off, natch). Hmm, 63 million hits. Now, I’m sure some of those links are indeed porn – Pokemon porn does exist, I’m horrified to say – but I’m not seeing any of it in the first 200 links. The only way that Billy is going to find porn here accidentally is if he’s searching for a video of Pikachu’s Teabag attack.

I’m also very curious as to how they settled upon as exact a number as 26. Does this mean that Teen Titans will give you porn, but Yu-gi-oh! is safe? Does that leaked sex tape of Spongebob and Patrick count as two characters, or just one? We need guidelines, damn it!

Women keeping their cyber activities secret: 70%

This one is just creepy. How dare those women have any desire for privacy?! There isn’t a similar statistic on how many men are privacy-loving commies, which should give you an idea who these women are keeping secrets from.

7-17 year olds who would freely give out home address: 29%
7-17 year olds who would freely give out email address: 14%

What, really? Come on, kids, you do know you can have more than one e-mail account, right? Surely more than 14% of you have a e-mail account set up for spam.

Promise Keeper men who viewed pornography in last week: 53%

This one made me chuckle smugly, then feel slightly guilty.

Ratio of women to men favoring chat rooms: 2X

Another odd one. I’m not sure if Key understands that chat rooms can be used for things besides cybersex. Apparently this stat is from an alternate universe where 19-year-old co-eds pretend to be teenage boys and Spock has a goatee.

8-16 year olds having viewed porn online: 90% (most while doing homework)

10% of 8-16 year olds must lack internet access. And finally:

Largest consumer of Internet pornography: 35 – 49 age group

In other words, younger Americans are tech-savvy enough to locate *free* porn.

Jillian, let me know when you hit that lottery. I’ll be waiting beside the internets.

Thankfully it is impossible for me to imagine the not-sex this man and that other man next to him were not having, in favor of watching porno.

I caught anhedonia from Don Key.

Mister Mahan, are you familiar with Rule #34 of teh internets? “If it exists, there is porn of it”.

Sexual solicitations of youth made in chat rooms: 89%

I think that’s a good thing, really, because the other 11% are probably, like, in person from an idling windowless van or something like that. Plus,

Sexy teen cheerleaders who are actually middle-aged FBI agents: 85%

Received unwanted exposure to sexual material: 34%
Received unwanted exposure to Rick Astley singing “Never Gonna Give You Up: 38%

I caught anhedonia from Don Key.

I am so putting that on a t-shirt.

Gary Ruppert said

The fact is, homosexuality is evil because it tempts the sexes away from procreation and toward sick pleasure of no purpose. Men know best how to pleasure themselves, so they do. So do women. It is about selfishness in self abuse.

Interesting confession there Gary. So what you’re saying is that gay sex is vastly better than straight sex but you are not gonna go that route because that would be selfish of you. You long for teh gay sex but you deny yourself that pleasure (men know how to pleasure me best) out of a sense of duty and self sacrifice. This makes you a better man.

Is there something you’d like to tell us Gary?

Maybe it’s only me, but this guy’s droning voice kinda reminded me of the guy who used to do the Disney nature shows.

I made it to 5:17…then i started to nod off. My finger must have hit the X key or something, accidentally, because next thing I know Porntube is on my screen. heh.

Time for the Don Key song!

The fact is, homosexuality is evil because it tempts the sexes away from procreation and toward sick pleasure of no purpose.

Whereas I like my sick pleasure to be purposeful. Filled to the brim with lovely purpose.

Men know best how to pleasure themselves, so they do. So do women. It is about selfishness in self abuse.

Is there then such a thing as selfless self-abuse? Is that like Professor Geekozoid Sexpert a few posts down, valiantly choosing one off the wrist so as to save some poor girly from the hideous mistake that is instant sex?

An eighteen year old guy turning down sex to watch porn? That’s so wrong it’s scary.

He implied it was hetrosexual porn he turned down, I thing our man has had a ‘problem’ with his sexuality for a long time.

For those of you who couldn’t listen all the way through, the way he was ‘cured’ of his porn deviance was via a ‘correspondence course’……..

Does she do anal?

But when I would try to read scripture, my mind would wander onto sexual thoughts, and when I would try to pray my mind would fill with pornographic images

Uh. So:

(1) Looking at porn made you think sexual thoughts; and
(2) Reading scripture made you think sexual thoughts; and
(3) Praying made you think sexual thoughts.

I would say that with porn or without it, you tend to think a lot of sexual thoughts.

Well if you think about the amount of energy it takes to conceive and raise a child, don’t you think that diverting that energy to porn might be criminally wasteful?

I guess this is TABOO. I apologize for speech.

Well if you think about the amount of energy it takes to conceive and raise a child, don’t you think that diverting that energy to porn might be criminally wasteful?

‘wasteful’? I do not think that word means what you think it means.
I think you probably meant negligent, but “criminally negligent” has a defined meaning in the legal code. Which means you probably also shouldn’t be using ‘criminally’ as a descriptor.

Oh, and let’s not conflate two seperate items. The amount of energy it takes to [b]raise[/b] a child is several orders of magnitude larger than the amount of energy it takes to [b]concieve[/b] a child. Combining the two is nonsensical. It’s like saying “if you think about the cost to buy a car and equip it with fuzy seat cushions…”

I guess this is TABOO. I apologize for speech.

No, this is Taboo. What your speech was is just plain stupid. It’s a nice bit of trolling, because the frame you use is so universally applicable…

“If you think about the amount of energy it takes to raise a child, don’t you think diverting that energy to getting a Master’s Degree might be criminally wasteful?”

“If you think about the amount of energy it takes to raise a child, don’t you think diverting that energy towards making your spouce feel loved might be criminally wasteful?”

“If you think about the amount of energy it takes to raise a child, don’t you think diverting that energy towards repairing your house might be criminally wasteful?”

Seriously, nice troll. You hit all the basics:
*conflating dissimilar measurements
*using an absurdist frame
*picking inflammatory, extremist language (criminally?)
*generally abusing the Engligh language
*Using at least one word in ALL CAPS
*Offering a fake apology at the end.

Fake Gary Ruppurt, Saul, you could learn a thing or two from this one!