Nostradipshit
Someone put a nickel in Roger L. Simon this week! He just can’t seem to shut up, no matter how little sense he makes:
I don’t like to make predictions – most importantly, because I am lousy at it and have a terrible track record. If you were to see my stock portfolio or a printout of my (infrequent, thankfully) results in Vegas you would know what I mean.
Or how about when you predicted that your “new media venture,” which consisted mostly of right-wing dingbats who could barely string a sentence together, was going to totally revolutionize news reporting, only it turned out to be a total laughingstock that couldn’t turn a profit or retain the services of its most drunken Long Islander? What a hilarious boner that was!
I also had to eat crow on my own blog a few years ago, having made some (again, thankfully) now-forgotten predictions.
Oh, don’t worry, Rog. There’s always plenty of people here on the internet to remind you of your biggest mistakes.
So, with my head ducking appropriately, here goes The Big Prediction – or more exactly, predictions: The US will win the War in Iraq, and Hillary Clinton will be elected our next President.
Wow! Two bold predictions there — that we’ll win a war in which we can’t even define who our enemies are, and that the opposition front-runner will defeat the party of the least popular president since Nixon. You wanna dig that hole a little deeper, Rog?
Okay, okay – I also know defining what constitutes winning in Iraq is no easy thing. It’s highly unlikely that Bin Laden, Moqtada al Sadr, or whoever, will sign an armistice agreement with David Petraeus and all will be solved.
Yeah, that is highly unlikely, Rog, since Osama bin-Laden isn’t an Iraqi and has nothing to do with the war in Iraq, and al-Sad’r isn’t a member of the government and doesn’t command any troops. But please, keep going.
Of course some people wouldn’t declare it a victory even if Bin Laden, al Sadr, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Hassan Nasrallah all disarmed, publicly renounced jihad and pledged allegiance to liberal democracy forever, while signing a document in blood and repeating it all nightly on Al Jazeera for ten years.
Wow, nice job! In listing four people who are allegedly capable of ending the War in Iraq, a whopping one of them is an Iraqi! That comes out to 25%, which is almost as high as the approval rating of the one man who actually could end the War in Iraq! That’s some awesome predictifying, man, seriously.
I think we can agree on some generalities for winning in Iraq – increased quiet and lower violence, political progress with a relatively stable democratic system, economic growth, and, finally, the ability of the Iraqis to take care of themselves to some extent.
Well, American corporations are certainly experiencing great economic growth in Iraq, so that’s a fourth (25%!) of the way there!
In other words, not necessarily Denmark, but decent enough by comparison with the vicious dictatorship that proceeded it.
Obviously, somebody hasn’t heard that Denmark is itself only a hair’s breadth away from being overrun by the dusky hordes.
And that seems to be happening. For proof, you don’t need to believe recent reports from PajamasXpress bloggers Michael Ledeen and Victor Davis Hanson . These brilliant gentlemen are, I admit, biased (aren’t we all?) and tarnished, at least in Michael’s case, with the dreaded re-upped “n” word (neo-whatever-it-is).
Okay, so here’s what you have to do to be judged brilliant by Roger L. Simon:
1. Report that the supreme leader of Iran is dead when he isn’t.
2. Obfuscate your inability to make any sense with piles of classical references.
The right, having learned from Bush’s naivety (“Mission Accomplished!”) on the aircraft carrier, will be smart enough to keep its mouth shut (I hope so anyway), and the left has no vested interest in admitting anything anyway. So mum’s the word on Iraqi victory. Don’t look for it on the six o’clock News or in the New York Times – not on the editorial page anyway.
So, how will we know when the War in Iraq is over? We just will, that’s all. Our souls will be lightened, a demonic cloud in the face of Osama bin-Laden will briefly appear over Baghdad before being chased away on a cleansing westerly wind, and kibbeh stands will spring up in all our major metropolitan areas.
Instead, look for a Hillary victory in ‘08. It’s almost pre-ordained – and we all know the reason. All together now: “No good deed goes unpunished!”
In case your brain has been too sotten by the inanity that has gone before to parse this sentence, the “good deed” here would be the spectacularly successful and not in the least bit ill-planned and illegal invasion of Iraq, and the “punishment” would be no longer having a Republican president. But more tragic than thousands of dead Americans, hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqis, a permanently destabilized Middle East, and the biggest fraud, corruption and profiteering scandal in the history of the world is the tragedy of history:
And speaking of names, while they may be treated better in some distant future history books, those dreaded bearers of the reviled “n” word – who are accused of instigating this wrong-headed and “fruitless” war – are not likely to be getting much vindication in the short run from victory, whatever its extent. Not fair? Sorry, that’s the way things go.
Yes, that’s the true injustice of this horrible war: the neo-conservatives won’t get enough credit for how awesome it’s surely going to turn out. Look at my eyes, Roger: those are real tears I’m crying for you.
Oh my fucking GOD already! There are still people who think OBL has ever had anything at all to do with Iraq?
Isn’t there anything we can do to make such people go away? Please tell me yes. I need to hear yes.
My prediction: Rockies in 6.
CoLOrdO is TEh RoXxOrSS!!!
BAWSTUN SUXBAWSTUN SUXBAWSTUN SUXBAWSTUN SUX
“…the opposition front-runner will defeat the least popular president since Nixon.”
Technically, the defeatee will be the Republican successor to the least popular president since Nixon. Me, I can’t wait for the inevitable nominee to decide whether to repudiate the wingnut’s favorite President ever, or lose by a margin so large that the Democratic candidate gets an automatic second term.
Right you are, Max — edited to reflect what I was drunkenly attempting to say.
Or how about when you predicted that your “new media venture,” which consisted mostly of right-wing dingbats who could barely string a sentence together, was going to totally revolutionize news reporting, only it turned out to be a total laughingstock that couldn’t turn a profit or retain the services of its most drunken Long Islander?
Swoon over my Pammy?
laughing!
Prediction: Joe Torre will swoop down from the heavens on a mighty winged steed and smite Jonathan Papelboner whilst the closer performs a curious River Dance.
But, I’ve never been very good at predictions, which my decision to start Priest Holmes* in Dungeons and Football this week clearly illustrates!
* Did not actually start Priest Holmes this week.
How did you let him get away with the flagrant use of ‘some people’? Or is it just that we’re so used to seeing straw men that it’s no use setting them on fire?
This really deserved a “shorter” treatment.
As in “Shorter Roger L. Simon: even if we win in Iraq, you’ll never know it, since everyone but Fox News and The Washington Times will supress that fact. Oh, and I’m a shitty writer who writes ‘proceeding’ when I really mean ‘preceding'”.
There, that hurts a lot less, doesn’t it?
I think we can agree on some generalities for winning in Iraq – increased quiet and lower violence, political progress with a relatively stable democratic system, economic growth, and, finally, the ability of the Iraqis to take care of themselves to some extent.
Well, you know, we can “agree” on these all we want, but those are just as nebulous and undefined as “winning” is. “Increased quiet”? increased to what? what do you mean by “quiet”–does it count as “quiet” if the militias start using silencers on their death squad raids?
kibbeh stands will spring up in all our major metropolitan areas.
Mmm….kibbeh.
It was really “brilliant” of that scumbag Victor Davis Hansen to declare a 12-year-old child “fair game” because that child’s parents went on TV to defend the government program that saved his life.
Don’t look for it on the six o’clock News or in the New York Times
Yeah, that mean ol’ New York Times was against invading Iraq from the beginning!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judith_Miller_%28journalist%29
High Standards indeed!
Victory = increased quiet and lower violence…and “the ability of the Iraqis to take care of themselves to some extent.”
Hilarious. It’s pure Monty Python.
And this is Rog feeling sprightly and playful–i.e., confident, game, taking a chance.
Which only goes to support my thesis–endlessly, tediously hammered home by me, here–that these are all they have left. The worse things get, the more their defenders = the deluded, the stupid, the mentally lame, halt, and nutz.
You heard it here first. And second, third, etc.
TheManWhoCreatedMosesWhine lost me at I don’t like to make predictions – most importantly, because I am lousy at it and have a terrible track record. I suck!* – and I know it! The rest is almost Swankeriffic with a hint of Pranger. I think it made the Leopard Drawers of Kaye Grogan a bit moist, though…
* – as my Zen master used to say, “it’s a technical term…”
Hi, Y’all!!!
we’re still here, in the dry and breezy mountains. This afternoon the fire moved east to within 2 canyons of our canyon. The FD says they’re making their stand there. And, indeed, we sat on the deck drinking cocktails at sunset, watching big fricking National Guard (thank you, Arnult!) tankers circling round like giant seagulls dropping fire retardant on the flames we could not see on the other side of the ridge.
If they got it tonight, we’re cool. If the wind whips it up in the morning, we are outa here!
We have an invitation to stay at the home of a friend in Brentwood. They are even extending their invitation to the Geriatric Rottweiller.
Wish us luck!!!
there are many more people who are far, far worse off than we are, and whose fire situations are much more dangerous than ours. I think the LACOFD are trying to zap our fire into submission so they can go take care of these much, much bigger, nastier fires.
As far a preparation, I think we are OK. We will see ours coming down a huge ridge, with time to get away. We’re packed and ready. The people in other places are being surprised in the middle of the night, and losing their homes. It’s really tragic, what’s happening.
does it count as “quiet” if the militias start using silencers on their death squad raids?
I dunno. I think those sears craftsmen 3/8 inch drill motors, you know, the ones with the battery pack? Those are pretty quiet. I doubt that you’re going to hear the drill over the cries of agony….
mikey
I like Makitas, myself.
Sectarian pillow smotherings?
OT, does anyone like Joel Stein? I am watching a week old Bill Maher, who bugs a little, but he seems like a not-sucking guy…Joel, that is…
Dead people don’t make much noise.
I like this phrase:
“who are accused of instigating this wrong-headed and “fruitless” war”
His use of scare quotes seems to indicate that he’s conceding that the war is wrong-headed, just not that it’s fruitless.
Best of luck to you and your family, g. Stay safe!
I think we can agree on some generalities for winning in Iraq – increased quiet and lower violence…
Yup, to quote a vintage MAD Magazine parody: “They call me the Peacemaker! Ain’t nothing so quiet ‘n peaceful as a dead man! Or, better yet, a bunch ‘a dead men!”
G, hope you & any other SadlyNautians out there are still safe at home…
I don’t know who Roger L. Simon is and now I sure as hell don’t ever want to find out.
For those interested, the “Holy Land” trial — about which the David Horowitz’s and FrontPageMag stinkoes have been screeeeaming for months now and shouting how the Council on American Islamic Relations was an “unindicted co-conspirator” — has concluded.
The verdict? Not one conviction. Which is not to say that nothing improper was done by anyone, but it is to say that the FrontPageMag stinkoes will really, really freak about this.
Isn’t there anything we can do to make such people go away? Please tell me yes. I need to hear yes.
Well, we could kill them before they either completely destroy America or start killing us (rather than simply codifying official torture and stalking injured 12 year olds).
It may seem harsh and, dare I say, unhinged to suggest such a plan, but when you think about it, it is definitely a more justified use of preemptive war than was the invasion of Iraq. Plus, even if we can only get 10% of our reality-based community behind the effort, that’s still like 7.5% of the American population against the 25% of the American population who wet their pants when a car down the street backfires. Given that, we’d certainly have have better odds of success than the wingnuts do at creating democracy ponies in the Middle East.
Speaking of that, El Cid, have you heard of “Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week?” Apparently, for the next 5 days, I’m going to have to read that dumbass columnist in my college paper rant about how we could kill all those brown folks if only those “blame-America-firsters” weren’t so concerned about things like morals and due process and international law.
If only it would end after 5 measly days. Conservative dumbassery is entirely self-renewing, awareness week or no awareness week.
What’s a little global nuclear fall-out among white friends, MrSparkle? Besides, think how pretty the middle east will be when it’s turn into a continuous sheet of glass from Morocco to India.
I’ve been musing on this.
“I think we can agree on some generalities for winning in Iraq – increased quiet and lower violence”
Lower violence, bad news for midgets but great for everyone else?
Do they ever define what ‘winning’ is in Iraq, and how we’re supposed to do it? Or haven’t done it yet?
I submit that Roger blithely ignores that other famous quote by Louis Armstrong: “I don’t let my mouth say nothin’ my head can’t stand.”
Near as I can tell, “Victory” in Iraq is basically a big game of slots, with American lives and money being fed into the bandit, as over and over again the arm is pulled, and we hope for juuuuust the right combination of “Pro-USA” and “Batshit insane and brutal enough to take power and instill a reign”
See, there’s more then enough of the second to go around, but much like the ONE LAST cherry you need for the jackpot, the first component is enragingly elusive.
Yes, I turned that into an adverb.
Basically, “Victory” is “A Saddam that will suck Bush’s cock”.
And who knows where THAT’S been.
In other news. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipzR9bhei_o I bet if you listened to that on LSD, you could see through time.
Do they ever define what ‘winning’ is in Iraq, and how we’re supposed to do it? Or haven’t done it yet?
Sure, winning is when a pro Israel regime beloved by all Iraqis is installed, whose main goal is delivering their petrodollars into the hands of Dick Cheney’s friends.
Short of that, endless chaos and violence and hopelessness will do. Seems that was the plan all along.
Opposition frontrunner? Like Howard Dean?
Don’t recall any primaries being held yet.
Like Rog, I will be eventually be vindicated as having been right about absolutely everything I’ve ever said. This will happen when everyone currently involved in every debate I’ve ever had, including me, is dead. Obviously it’s a little hard to verify, but trust me, it’s gonna happen – so you all might as well just get a jump on history and assume that everything I say is right, starting now.
Ah, the old “history will prove me right” argument; the last, desperate hope of the winger. And of course the real irony is that, besides the general inanity and delusionality of using this tack in a debate, in the case of the wingers it SO isn’t gonna happen.
I hope that in the year 4000, a bunch of bulbous-headed, super-evolved humans reconstitute the dusty remains of today’s right-wing pundits, read them some of their “I will be vindicated, but you won’t know about it” statements, slap them once upside each of their heads, and then vaporize them again.
“Technically, the defeatee will be the Republican successor to the least popular president since Nixon”
Oh yes, Max – we SHALL employ the uber-successful Repub Presidential Election tactic (see GWB, Saint Ronnie, etc.) of running against the Last President, not the Repub primary winner.
OTOH, hey – the difference between Shrub & Mr. 9/11 is – ? Cross-dressing?! Two more marriages?! Help me out, anybody? Bueller?!
Lower violence, bad news for midgets but great for everyone else?
Would you rather be punched in the face or kicked in the nuts?
Freedom of choice: America’s gift to Iraq!
Do they ever define what ‘winning’ is in Iraq, and how we’re supposed to do it? Or haven’t done it yet?
Uncle Jimbo at Black Five has some ideas:
Like Rog, Uncle Jimbo has doubled down on simplistic thinking as the situation in Iraq has gotten more complex. Maybe Uncle Jimbo’s next vlog should be called “How to Do It”.
Yes, I have heard of it. It was created and promoted by the Horowitz maniacs and the FrontPageMag stinkoes — and I believe that the timing of this important “week” was specifically chosen to coincide with what they hoped was a massive set of “guilty” verdicts in this Holy Land Trial.
To Horowitz and the FrontPageMag stinkoes, this trial was their obsession, especially the part where the CAIR group was vaguely tarred as an “unindicted co-conspirator”.
That’s why I brought it up. It has put a damper on their little ‘week’.
By the way, when someone asks about Islamo-Fascism, ask them if they are generally opposed to fascism and fascist behavior, or just the “Islamo” part of that equation. Neither Zbigniew Brzezinski nor Ronald Reagan had a problem with the ‘Islamo-Fascists’ when they hired them to destroy a secular Afghanistan in part as a proxy fight against the Soviets.
Isn’t this just a huge ass-covering exercise? It boils down to “good things will happen, but we’ll never get any credit for them, no matter how good they are, and we’ll just have to go on being pious behind-the-scenes workers, content knowing that what we do is all for the good of mankind…”
Jeebus, even their humility has hubris!
Goodness, Malkin is wetting her panties over, yup, liberal bias at FAUX News: http://michellemalkin.com/2007/10/22/crapweasel-of-the-day/.
I can only figure that stupid simply doesn’t hurt. It must be a painless disease.
I can only figure that stupid simply doesn’t hurt. It must be a painless disease.
I have the feeling that it’s one of those freaky conditions that actually *prevents* people from feeling pain. Nothing else can explain why, say, Jonah Goldberg keeps on keepin’ on in spite of enduring regular humiliation because of his laziness and incompetence. A normal person would feel some degree of shame when making an obvious flub, and he or she would resolve to do better next time. Not our beloved Pantload, though.
Simon must be an idiot. Doesn’t he know we have already won? Jesus H. Christ how fucking dimwitted are these bastards? The former Cheerleader told us we won 4 1/2 years ago. And everything said by the Decider is true! So victory is when the former Cheerleader says so, and the rest is just the Liberal biased, Terrorist Sympathizing MSM not reporting what Michael Yon says.
See how easy it is. Come on guys its not too late to jump on the bandwagon.
Weeee’re off to see the Wizard; the Wonderful Wizard of …
This is standard right-wing rationalization to maintain the walls of the cognitively dissonant bubble wingnuts are ensconced in. No matter what goes wrong, no matter how directly it flowed it flowed from their own idiocy and evil, they can always construct a narrative to show that “we were RIGHT!”
Just like how Vietnam would have been flowers and candy if not for the backstabbing media. Or the Bush I recession was blamed on Carter. Or our Neo-Gilded Age wealth disparity and hatred of the allegedly inferior is blamed on worker laziness and bad choices. Or that all animosity towards the US is generated not by our horrible behavior, but by the irrational cave-dwellers who allegedly hate that people in Dubuque and Sheboygan can watch anything they want on cable, while refraining from beating burqaless women.
Holy smokes, the comments over at that Malkin post are really something. Here’s my favorite:
Project much?
Heh, that is pretty special Dan. It’s true, all of those talking heads are openly gay. I can’t remember if they couldn’t get the permit for their gay pride parade or if it was just that nobody showed, but that is definately when all of the media started to hate the war.
The old “only fags disagree with me” bit. Authoritarian classic.
Hmm interesting. Stupidity isn’t the disease, but rather a symptom of some deficiency in the carrier that prevents her from feeling pain.
I guess it really is simple sociopathy.
I want to sit in on a card game with Roger. “Hey, Roger,” I’ll say, “no one else will admit it, but I just won. Gimme your money. No, I don’t have to show you my cards. I won, end of story. Fork it over.”
It must be kind of weirdly comforting to be a wingnut. No confusion, everything is clear.
The clerk at 7-11 gave you the wrong change for your Dew? He’s queer.
Your boss at work gently pointed out that your plan was unworkable, and oh, by the way, you spelled the company name wrong in your PowerPoint? She’s a dyke.
Your in-laws laugh at you when you try to explain that Iran is a serious menace to american survival? They’re all gay.
Cop gives you a ticket for illegal left turn on your way home? Fags, the lot of them.
See? There’s a simple explanation for EVERY bad thing that happens to you.
If you survive it, it was the gays. If you don’t, it was the muslims…
mikey
Once again, O/T, but:
T-Rex just called Charles Johson “The Thing that the Styx Tour Bus Left Behind.”
LOLz!
Someone put a nickel in Roger L. Simon this week! He just can’t seem to shut up, no matter how little sense he makes:
“LogiCall. How may I help you?”
“Help me! I’m talking…and I can’t shut up!”
“Hold on, Mr. Simon–The paramedics are on their way to kick you in the head, and I’ve alerted your doctor to increased your anti-psychosis medication.”
Oh, my. Just visited Malkin. The tide has turned. Now Fox News is too liberal for them.
mikey-
Larry David says playing his character on the Larry David show is totally liberating because he never have to take responsibility for anything he does.
My mellow elementary school gym teacher roommate has started ‘trying out’ the What? It’s not my fault!” personality. Hilarity ensues.
Roger L Simon =
no more girls
Oh, my. Just visited Malkin. The tide has turned. Now Fox News is too liberal for them.
So, the batshit brigade is either about to be finally left behind by the relatively more reasonable branches of conservatism, or we’re in for another round of Overton Window craziness. It’ll probably come down to whether the batshits are still useful to the moneybags Republicans, or whether they’re costing them money.
I sure hope the batshits (with things like immigration) are finally screwing up the moneybags’ bottom lines (they so richly deserve it). I’d love to see wingnut welfare cut off, extreme evangelicals ignored, warmongers shamed as nut jobs. I want to see the batshits get the same sharp elbows from the GOP that sane, realistic progressives have gotten from the Democratic Party for years.
I’ve got your Islamo-fascism Awareness Week right here.
I tried walking around the room dressed in an elephant suit, but everyone ignored me.
It’ll probably come down to whether the batshits are still useful to the moneybags Republicans, or whether they’re costing them money.
Don’t forget, we’re possibly gonna have yet another war starting between the US and Iran. That could work in favor of the batshit crazies.
Is Roger Simon one of those “handful of people who hate America” Glenn Beck referred to who are “losing their homes in a forest fire today”?
Just wondering.
Honestly I wonder if these morons even speak to each other at cocktail parties, they’re so reprehensible. Can they even stand each other?
They don’t get that no one cares what these A-Holes do in their bedrooms just because we don’t want to throw them a Parade to celebrate it.
Damn cuz last weekend was pretty freaking incredible and it really deserves a parade, ya know?
🙂
Josh Marshall is smacking around “Islamo-fascism Awareness Week” pretty strong.
And so far, it’s looking a lot like “Islamo-fascism Awareness Weak.”
“They don’t get that no one cares what these A-Holes do in their bedrooms just because we don’t want to throw them a Parade to celebrate it.”
I’ve been trying to figure out why that sentance bugs the hell out of me.
A: It’s a sentence-structer version of Picket’s Charge.
B: By that logic, he (like there’s any chance that was written by a chick) should also be rabidly against any portrayal of heterosexual relationships in public, or in books, or on TV/movies. Who cares what those A-Hole straights do in their bedroom?
The Queer community can throw it’s own freaking parade without your help.
Hmm, maybe I’m overly sensitive or something, but it certainly seem apparent to me that they most certainly DO care what anybody and everybody is doing in their bedrooms. That’s kind of why we are so resistant to them – they want everyone to follow THEIR stupid rules…
mikey
Of course some people wouldn’t declare it a victory even if Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz all disrobed, publicly admitted making very stupid decisions and pledged allegiance to Liberal policies forever, while signing a document in blood and repeating it all nightly on Fox News for ten years.
Some would, though.
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WRONG AGAIN FUCKO