Whoo-hooo!

Waiting all tingle….

For the gut response from Colbert on this one….

Bears can’t leave town until after Labor Day weekend, which is our bear faire.
http://www.hairrison.org/

Man, they have Caprices in Iraq? Those are nice cars, especially for doing doughnuts.

According to your about page, you only watermark “believable” Photoshops.

Please don’t tell me you have that little faith in humanity.

Can bearz has cheezburgherz?

Ey iz in ur vortex mannin teh chekpoyntz nau.KTHXBAI!!11!!!

According to your about page, you only watermark “believable” Photoshops.

Um, well, I think the LOLcon thing skewed my perspective a bit.

It’s bad enough we send people over there, but endangered species? Come on, Gavin. My heart’s bleeding for these creatures. (How about rattle snakes and tarantulas?)

Gee, using the Reich-wing’s level of believability… why not use dna and stem cell technology to bring back saber tooth tigers? With genetically implanted stars and stripes? That’d be cool! Or a T. Rex (not the ‘Bang a Gong’ one though).

DOD.wouldn’t provide body armor?

Ey iz in ur vortex mannin teh chekpoyntz nau.KTHXBAI!!11!!! Ahh,that would be bearin.Sorry.

Pumas + Bears = Ponies

Someone needs to make a LOLwars about Iraq:

“Invisible Government!”

The perfect animal for the task may be the vervet monkey:

Monkey misery for Kenyan women villagers
By Juliet Njeri
BBC News, Nachu, central Kenya

[Photo of Woman and scarecrow…Monkeys destroyed this scarecrow, according to villagers]

A troop of vervet monkeys is giving Kenyan villagers long days and sleepless nights, destroying crops and causing a food crisis. Earlier this month, local MP Paul Muite urged the Kenyan Wildlife Service to help contain their aggressive behaviour. But Mr Muite caused laughter when he told parliament that the monkeys had taken to harassing and mocking women in a village.

But this is exactly what the women in the village of Nachu, just south-west of Kikuyu, are complaining about. They estimate there are close to 300 monkeys invading the farms at dawn. They eat the village’s maize, potatoes, beans and other crops.

And because women are primarily responsible for the farms, they have borne the brunt of the problem, as they try to guard their crops. They say the monkeys are more afraid of young men than women and children, and the bolder ones throw stones and chase the women from their farms.

Nachu’s women have tried wearing their husbands’ clothes in an attempt to trick the monkeys into thinking they are men – but this has failed, they say.

“When we come to chase the monkeys away, we are dressed in trousers and hats, so that we look like men,” resident Lucy Njeri told the BBC News website. “But the monkeys can tell the difference and they don’t run away from us and point at our breasts. They just ignore us and continue to steal the crops.”

In addition to stealing their crops, the monkeys also make sexually explicit gestures at the women, they claim.

“The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts. We are afraid that they will sexually harass us,” said Mrs Njeri.

The Kenyan Wildlife Service told the BBC that it was not unusual for monkeys to harass women and be less afraid of them than men, but they had not heard of monkeys in Kenya making sexually explicit gestures as a form of communication to humans.

The predominantly farming community is now having to receive famine relief food. The residents report that the monkeys have killed livestock and guard dogs, which has also left the villagers living in fear, especially for the safety of their babies and children.

All the villagers’ attempts to control the monkeys have failed – the monkeys evade traps, have lookouts to warn the others of impending attacks and snub poisoned food put out by the residents.

“The troop has scouts which keep a lookout from a vantage point, and when they see us coming, they give warning signals to the ones in the farms to get away,” said another area resident, Jacinta Wandaga.

‘Monkey squad’

The town has been warned by the Kenya Wildlife Service not to harm or kill any of the monkeys, as it is a criminal offence. Running out of options, residents are harvesting their crops early in an attempt to salvage what they can of this year’s crop.

Unfortunately, this only invites the monkeys to break into their homes and steal the harvested crops out of their granaries.

Even the formation of a “monkey squad” to keep track of the monkeys’ movements and keep them out has failed.

The area is simply too large for the few volunteers to cover, they say.

Some residents have lost hope and abandoned their homes and farms, but those who have stayed behind, like 80-year-old James Ndungu, are making a desperate plea for assistance. “For God’s sake, the government should take pity on us and move these monkeys away because we do not want to abandon our farms,” he said.

“I beg you, please come and take these animals away from here so that we can farm in peace.”

Yep, monkeys should do the trick.

Link found via http://majikthise.typepad.com/

I still think that we need to go with the badgers.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/6295138.stm

Wolverines!

Badgers!

http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com

If they are anything like Giuliani, we could send ferrets! That’d scare ’em!

OMG!

Badgers!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/6295138.stm

Look, they’ve already got Solifugae in Iraq so no damn spider is going to frighten them.

What we need is something big, dumb, and heavily armed or squat, vicious, and bloodthirsty.
And it only helps that we can outsource this to Canada.

Badgers of War.

You know what this means, right?

Badger Milblogs.

“The Red Badger of Courage”.

Or “We Don’t Need No Steenkin’ Badgers!”

Really, the possibilities are endless.

“My name’s Sergeant Friday. I carry a badger.”

Monkeys!! Evolution marches on.
“Aaay!! I got yer hat & trousers right here, lady!!” (In full “Guido” accent, of course.)

Bwahaha, TRex, serendipity doesn’t get any sweeter than that:
Word spread among the populace that UK troops had introduced strange man-eating, bear-like beasts into the area to sow panic.

UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer said: “We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area.

It’s gotta be better than all those ideas that Bradrocket stole from Blazing Saddles earlier today.

Dear God, I love that pic. Can I steal it for my Christmas Cards and my desktop and stuff?

We’re in ur cuntrees, spreading freedumb and democrasee

Puma look like Mehitabel.
I hz happy.

Badger in disguise!

I object, your honour! Prosecuting attorney is witnessing the badger!

No, wait, someone @ The Corner has a better idea:

And no, he won’t shut up:

These buffoons are no longer grasping at straws, they’re grabbing at spider webs.

Haw!! Just noticed Smokey on the roof a few bldgs. down. Double-plus-good!

why not use dna and stem cell technology to bring back saber tooth tigers
Here at Bimler Laboratories we are otherwise engaged in using traces of DNA found on an amphora at Antioch to reconstitute Herod the Tetrarch. We are soldiering on, undeterred by the regrettable death of a few expendable technicians in a laser-beam accident. The awesome power of Robo-Herod the Petrarch will make it all worthwhile.

I think those Kenyan vervets may have stolen Gary Ruppert’s troll sinecure.

All the pumas you’ll ever need.
Bears, not so interesting. Badgers, too cute. Wolverines are supposed to be the most vicious carnivore, kilo-per-kilo. (So who’s the most vicious herbivore, I wonder?)

Those had better be grizzly or polar bears, because those eastern black bears don’t scare anyone. If you send the wrong kind of bear, you’ll just waste a Friedman or two, and then have to start over with a brand new strategy.

So who’s the most vicious herbivore, I wonder?

The majestik møøse. A møøse once bit my sister. No realli! She was karving her initials on the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge – her brother-in-law – an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: “The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist”, “Fillings of Passion”, “The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink”…

How about a selection of the world’s weirdest animals.

The aye aye is pretty scary looking.

The hagfish is long, vermiform and can exude copious quantities of a sticky slime or mucus… When captured and held by the tail, they escape by secreting the fibrous slime, which turns into a thick and sticky gel). Slime is good.

And the blobfish (resembles Karl Rove). The flesh of the blobfish is primarily a gelatinous mass with a density slightly less than water… The relative lack of muscle is not a disadvantage as it primarily swallows edible matter that floats by in front it.

oops. here’s the link for the weirdest aminals.

You missed the largemouth sucker, Lesley. And the sarcastic fringemouth. And the humpie trout! The hagfish and the aye aye are always on my most loved list, mind. Man, I could name freaky critters all night, but I won’t. I have cranes to fold.

Just checked your link. What, no vampire squid? No cassowary? No mimic octopus? No pajama squid? No giant earthworm? No mola mola? I’m very disappointed. Though the angora rabbit about makes up for it…

Incidentally, grizzly bears will kill brown bears given a chance. So I’d go with the grizzlies for urban pacification. Or, you could turn loose the honey badgers or the giant Japanese hornets. A Friedman Unit of giant Japanese hornets and we’re pretty much in dust-off-and-nuke-the-site-from-orbit territory.

It’s the only way to be sure.

The angora rabbit crossed with the Monty Python’s Holy Grail Cave Rabbit would be awesome!

Giant Japanese robots could help.

real animals can’t compete with the fearsome samsquamch!

What about rhinogrades! And caminalcules!
http://nsm1.nsm.iup.edu/rgendron/Caminalcules.shtml

Big dirty shit hawks

Keep the bears and pumas coming, folks! As soon as the bears and pumas stop, that’s when the Sadrists and the ex-Baathists get the upper hand!

The who and the ex-who? Never heard of those guys!

Keep the bears and pumas coming, folks! As soon as the bears and pumas stop, that’s when al Qaeda gets the upper hand!

There! Fixed it!

AhhYiahhh!Down the memory hizzie yall!

Excuse me,but,doesn’t that blobfish have a striking resemblance to Jimmy Durante?

Typical disgusting liberal pin. Stupid potty humor to try to cover up the fact that America is surging steadily towards victory in Iraq

In Christ’s Name.

Myself, I’d go with racoons, or tanuki. Lots and LOTS of racoons and/or tanuki, plus maybe some red foxes for the Brit troops. Between the trash cans bashing and the squalling and the territorial scent-marking, it would be almost as noisy & chaotic, but with a lot fewer dead people. And after a few weeks, Shiite and Sunni and Kurd could all come together to express the universal human urge, namely: “If those effin’ tanuki start another 140-decibel argument over our garbage at 3am, I am *soooo* gonna go car-bomb my own garage….”

And if even packs of roving racoons didn’t quell the Iraqi peoples’ cranky temperaments, we could always ship in the Canada geese, and let them find out the original meaning of the phrase “loose as a goose”.

These buffoons are no longer grasping at straws, they’re grabbing at spider webs.

Please tell me that shit wasn’t Steyn?

Forget your bears and pums, what you need is Wolfen.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083336/

A-HEM.

and AHEM.

Further AHEM.

Ditto AHEM.

I will leave the heavy Photoshop lifting to others – my ability with said arcane arts is weak.

If the Andrew Sullivan Brigade is going to be jogging down dangerous alleys, don’t skimp on their gear– put ’em in Asics Gels instead.

Anne, tanuki are a good idea. And how about possums? Here’s a quote from the wiki page:

The loud hissing, crackling territorial call of the male Common Brushtail may also be a problem for suburban residents.

And here’s the less-polite translation: you get a couple of those fuckers nesting in your roof and it sounds like Helter Skelter all over again. Jaysus, you’d swear half a dozen mezzo-sopranos were being slowly murdered at 3 am, which is when they do their stuff.

A coupla dozen of them and there’d be no need for a surge: the residents would all be queueing up at the gates of the local US prison just so they could get some sleep.

As someone who actually lives in a town (of 60,000), which is rather routinely infested with bears and mountain lions (at least on the edges of town), I have to say that the likely results would be disappointing. Despite routine and frequent bear incursions (even into the middle of town on occasion), as well as the more episodic puma intrusion, we have never lost a single person (and only a few cats and dogs) or even had any attacks on people during the nine years I have lived here. Further proof that these people have no idea what they are talking about and cannot be bothered to do their research.

Further proof that these people have no idea what they are talking about and cannot be bothered to do their research.

If THE BIBLE is not proof that a plague of bears can get the job done I don’t know what is. Stuff your scientifical reasoning!

Sure, Dr Dick, but we’re talking extremely hot, angry bears and puma. Also, why are we overlooking skunks? Chemical warfare at its finest!

Thank you, Righteous Bubba, for reminding me of that story. Clearly, you gotta piss off the bears and pumas first.

Typical disgusting liberal [s]pin. Stupid potty humor to try to cover up the fact that America is surging steadily towards victory in Iraq.

Are you for real?

McAddlebrain is just another neocon fuckwit trying to keep the philosphical fires going by changing the brand name, but not the content.

I’ve known some of these types of assholes rather well. One was a wealthy neocon/libertaritard snot who after he got his MD, decided he’d rather be a hedge fund manager instead; he never got around to getting his grand financial empire off the ground since he spent more time (and mumsie’s money) mentally masturbating about it than actually doing it. He’d wax on and on that if you are sick and too poor to pay for your care then fuck you, die, and hopefully before you’ve had a chance to reproduce. Because if you couldn’t pay for your care then you didn’t deserve to live because your poorness was proof of your inferiority, and you are just wasting oxygen or threatening to polute the gene pool. Maybe its a good thing he is no longer an MD…

He’s the only true, high level silver spoon neocon/libertatitard I’ve known, but I’ve known more than a few who were of a middle class background. Each were obviously people who didn’t get along with their peers in school due to being “too smart” (yeah, right) and feel that it is their god-given right to rise to that pedestal so accurately described up-thread by Annie Laurie (I think, my apologies if I misattributed that). Each was convinced that they were about to crack open that door into the truly wealthy class, and their willingness to bow and tug their forelock to the members of that club while they tried to grub their way into the party is truly comical. The truly wealthy will just toss them out with the garbage once they are no longer useful, all the while being drolly amused at how these economic lessers have the temerity to think they are really going to get into the club as anything other than a waiter, maid, or butler.

McAddlepate fits the latter catagory perfectly. My, she does have some really shocking realizations coming as time marches on for her. As for the Atlantic? Well, this is one of the many mags for whom the drop in circulation and fading of the paper-printed word holds no sorrow for me; something tells me they deserve such a fate, and besides, isn’t that a clear case of their beloved all-knowning, ruthlessly fair, and justice-dispensing invisible hand of the market doing the proper thing?

Not only is Tobin Maker totally for real, like, his site has the solution:
DNA Demons!

Vote for Sam Brownback in 2008 and again in 2012. Jesus wouldn’t want DNA mutants walking the earth and neither would President Sam Brownback.

This shot of the kodiak bear eating his trainers face has loads of possibilities…

http://www.kodiakgrizzly.com/HomePage.htm

Hee! You should also send Grizzly Bear over for a USO stint, while you’re at it…

Send Bat Boy and friends. They should be looking for work now that the Weekly World News is no more.

Jesus wouldn’t want DNA mutants walking the earth and neither would President Sam Brownback.

Well, I’ll be damned. And here all along I thought Sam Brownback WAS a DNA mutant…

mikey

Mikey, he just doesn’t want any competition.

J– …the Weekly World News is no more.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111!

Qetesh, I apologize for overlooking our Aussie allies — possums will be a neccessity in our new Project Iraqi Varmints!

Also, if we are driven to the extreme-terror level of Canada geese (who are not only noisy, quarrelsome & imperious, like feathered neocons, but notorious for their production of enormous vile-smelling slimy turds) we will need to bring in coyotes as well. Unfortunately, coyotes are quite as happy to eat free-ranging cats & smaller dogs as they are to eat goose eggs & goslings, but they’re not climbers so the racoons, tanuki and presumably possums would be safe. Also the skunks. And some people think coyote “singing” is quite as attractive as wolfsong, although wolves don’t usually do choral howling in suburban backyards…

I think I have a modified attack baboon here somewhere I could lend. lemme check the garden shed….

One word:

Kudzu!!!

mikey

Tell me about it, ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©. The Weekly World News is a popular cultural institution, and Ed Anger is a wingnut OG. An English teacher at my high school used to Anger’s column to his class.

mikey: Kudzu and love bugs!

Mikey:

I’ll see your kudzu and raise you some poison ivy and wisteria. In less than a year, the insurgency will end because (1) nobody will be able to hack their way through the stuff to get to a good target, and (2) they’ll all be sitting in baths of calamine lotion, scratching themselves and moaning in agony.

As for other weird animals, there’s the kiwi (nifty, but not necessarily useful for invasion purposes), aphids (born pregnant, like tribbles)…I have more, but my file of weird-animal papers is unfortunately sealed up in a box somewhere.

By the way, people, Dan Maffei is over at the Lake..

I donated to Dan in 2006. He lost by only 3,000 votes, in spite of being outspent $1,787,552 to $918,270. I donated $100 plus 10% tip to Act Blue today, because I have a job that causes me vast amounts of despair, also pays decently.

If any of you folks could spare just $5, please take the time to go there and help out. Because numbers of donors matters even more than the amount of dollars for those of us who want our voices heard in the Democratic party.

Dan Maffei is running against James Walsh.

Walsh is a prominent endorser of Rudy Giuliani’s Presidential campaign, He recently stated: “I know what Rudy Giuliani can do. I was proud to work with Rudy while he was Mayor and I’ve seen the direct results of his actions and his demands for accountability and high standards. When times are tough, he’s the leader you want, and I’m proud to support him for President”.

“Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!
When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. And he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to Samaria.”

Anything you lieberals come up with, my Lord thought of with thousands of years ago.

Tobin Maker, Resident Pastor, Baptists for Brownback 2008

One major hole in the plan so far (aside from the lack of giant robots thing I tried to suggest solutions for in my post back at 13:53) is the question of how to deal with terrorists who try to flee using the Tigris and/or Euphrates, which would allow them to avoid the pumas at the very least.

Ladies and gentlemen (and trolls), TEH DREADED CANDIRU!!!ZOMGELEVEN:

http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=797

Fuck the bears, pumas and badgers.

Sorry to rain on anyone’s parade, but what this nation needs is to get the message across to the insurgents that we are SERIOUS about WINNING this thing.

And the best way to do it: by sending over some soldiers that show just HOW serious we really are.

I just happen to have a little list:

Military Service Eligible Children of George W. Bush

Jenna Bush
Barbara Bush

Military Service Eligible Children of Jeb Bush

George P. Bush
Noelle Bush
John Ellis Bush Jr.

Military Service Eligible Children of Neil Bush

Lauren Bush
Pierce Bush

Military Service Eligible Children of Marvin Bush

Marshall Bush

Military Service Eligible Children of Dorothy Bush Koch

Samuel LeBlond
Ellie LeBlond

Once the insurgents find out that Bush and his whole family are all really serious about winning this war— not like the Vietnam one, when they stayed away in droves— well, they’re gonna be so scared, they’ll surrender right away.

Once the insurgents find out that Bush and his whole family are all really serious about winning this war— not like the Vietnam one, when they stayed away in droves— well, they’re gonna be so scared, they’ll surrender right away.

I don’t think the insurgents will quake in their boots until we send over some Kagans and Kristols.

Ahem. (Did I actually leave that tag open?)

That market resembles many markets in Indiana! Teh Pumaz iz wirking!!!

Anything you lieberals come up with, my Lord thought of with thousands of years ago.

If you say so, big fella, but one small point, if I may? You’re lord is a ridiculously crappy writer. You got a concept going there, with the bears tearing up 42 lads, and not even a SECOND FUCKING SENTENCE to flesh it out? I swear, if your lord wrote Bullitt he woulda said “and there came to pass a spectacular car chase” and that woulda been it. Your lord really needs to take a remedial creative writing class, is all I’m saying.

And while he’s at it, maybe you could take an hour out and watch “Footloose”. Maybe learn that if you’re all the time an uptight baptist fire-n-brimstone preacher, all up in everybody’s business all the time, not only will your life be shitty, but you make everybody elses life shitty, and they all hate you.

mikey

Tornadoezzz!

Guess I’m supposed to head for the basement.

Kthxbai!

I swear, if your lord wrote Bullitt he woulda said “and there came to pass a spectacular car chase” and that woulda been it.

Mikey is teh roxxor!

“Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. And he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to Samaria.”

Mikey’s right. I thought the Old Testament was supposed to be all about grand language, great narratives, but where’s the slow build-up of tension? Come to think of it, where’s the product placement?

Ed Anger is a wingnut OG.

From my favorite column of his, about the “death of macho,” mourning the demise of real men like John Wayne (“men who had cancer five or six times.”)

Real men don’t say much. Sentences should be no longer than “Get me a beer.”

really, the Intertubes would be about half the size if not for Monty Python.

“From my favorite column of his, about the “death of macho,” mourning the demise of real men like John Wayne (”men who had cancer five or six times.”)” Yeah who played soldiers and were John Birchers and good merkans,but never served when it was their time.Like Ronnie Reagan who liked to tell storys about the war he fought from Hollywood.Ahh good times.It’s all Cog-Dis all the time.Stay tuned.

WPE, you may have to take Jenna Bush off that list temporarily. I don’t think they’re accepting pregnant women for basic training. Once she drops the sprog, of course, she’ll be eligible again — as will her tobacco-heir buy-a-hubbie.

I, for one, welcome our new bear and puma overlords.

Hey, your bear/puma idea sounds terrific.

Please let us know how we can help. As you can see, we’re pretty experienced when it comes to this sort of thing – well, the part about bears, anyway.

Pumas, we’ll have to learn about them. But once you’ve worked with bears, you can work with anything.

Bear hugs to you,
Maureen and Murray

Hey, Pastor, thought you weren’t supposed to invoke the name of your feudal “LORD” in vain? Does “baldhead” refer to Rudy “The Mobbed-up Catholic” Giuliani, the mafia guy from NYC?

Fly bears to Iraq
And they’ll chomp on the Sunnis
Shredding their faces
As if they were bunnies

Send pumas as well
And they’ll gnaw on the Shia
Testing the limits of
Onomatopoeia

I, for one, welcome our new bear and puma overlords.

Holy shit, I can’t believe we had to go that many comments to get to that. Gang, we’re slipping.

Da Bears…

Yes, bears for the Baath
Just take a minute, do the math
They’ll kill your shiite and sunni
And your turkmen – for money

And pumas can kill
All the mullahs with skill
But when distracted by dogs
They had no interest in wogs

mikey

Bears snarl through the mosques
Unicycling through blood
Like bears from that Garp guy
Not Bernard Malamud

The pumas leap downward
From verandas and trees
Eating every Iraqi’s
Much-prized Pekingese

The pumas, with their fur so tawny
Ate Grand Ayatollah Sistani
And in the shadows, took a leisurely nap
And then took a clerical crap

The bears, in the meantime, ate fighters
Ate their smokes, but spit out their lighters
After eating their fill of the troops
The bears took their militant poops

Bears lope down the alleyways
Pawing through trash
Uncovering bales of
American cash

Pumas slink through the brothels
And slash at the johns
Showing Ali no mercy
Hassan flees in chiffon

Ewwww, those candiru fish are tres icky. I particularly love the caption for the close-up pic: “Do not back up. Severe urethra damage.”

To keep the nasties going, I’ll add the funnel-web spider for the land, and box jellyfish for the water. The funnel-webs, at least, are very aggressive (“Oy, matey, get this stitched!”), and would be pursuing people left and right.

Apologies for being unable to rhyme anything today. I’ve left my rhyming brain at my sister’s house.

Roaming the green zone
The bears show no pity
They ate the ambassador
They ate the ambassadors kitty

The Pumas moved on
To Baghdad’s south side
They slept on the lawn
In a tight little pride

Fly bears to Iraq
And they’ll chomp on the Sunnis. . .

That’s darn good stuff right there.

Does anyone know why the Weekly World News is closing up shop?

Bears swing from the wires
And end up in the shower
They come out unshocked as
The wires have no power

Pumas munch on the snipers
And sniff at their guns
Paw at their crotches
And nip at their buns

The bears they are hungry
The bears want to eat
They crunch up the soldiers
Except for the feet

It’s not for the boots
That’re meaty and chewy
It’s the feetses inside
That make a bear feel quite ewwwy

The pumas come down
Hunting for Prey
Leaving the rooftops
To eat Kurds and Whey

Bears like Arabs
Hardly ever eat persians
They don’t mean nothin by it
So don’t cast aspersions

The pumas head North
Sneaking into Mosul
Grinding their teeth
Into torso and skull

They start up a brief
Dairy factory fray
Just to find out if
They like Kurds and whey

To fight them there
Instead of here
We would not err
To send a bear

Fucker with the whey!

Bears provide an answer
To that darned Iraqi cancer

Pumas will clean up
What the bears don’t deign to sup

They ate the ambassadors kitty

That, I think, would be the real tragedy.

Maybe the whey
Was in some kind of dispute
But the kurds and the pumas
Didn’t give a hoot

They picked up their shit
And they headed out
Bears and Pumas ate them all
On a bed of Saurkraut

Bears came swimming
Down the Tigris
Smelling stinky
But I digress

Once ashore
They ate a boatman
And then that was
All she wrote man

Cut that Luger, get with this cougar
Bears eat flesh, from the head down to the toes
And this every Sadrist knows:
Where the claws go, peace and liberty grow

Pumas slurp the marrow of the dread Iraqi horde
Bears will chew their sinews with a passion untoward
The rivers and the streams will all run red with blood and then
The beasts march to Afghanistan to kill and kill again

Gifts, souvenirs, novelties.

B is for Basil,
Assaulted by bears.

Does “baldhead” refer to Rudy “The Mobbed-up Catholic” Giuliani, the mafia guy from NYC?
My mental movie of the “She-bears ripped up 42 youths!” episode stars Bruce Willis in the role of the prophet Elisha.

The insurgent cancer
Has an answer
To this land, sir
Send the panther

Let’s send the bear from Scotter Libby’s novel, and make sure its good and horny before we let it loose! That ‘ll end this thing in a second, or at least create a huge number of comfort women (and men, if the bear is truly, truly horny) with a weird neocon fanatasy serving as a formative period in their professional lives. The woody that all the neocons would get just at the thought of it should keep them out of politics for years!

Here are an IED-disarming bear and a troop-entertaining puma.

Quite a pair, a DUO even!

Bears? Why you can
Go to hell sir
The army is
Don’t ask don’t tell sir

I’d love to get in on this bear doggerel, but I can’t get past:

There once was a bear from Nantucket…

– – –
Alright, let’s try these –

I think that I shall never hear
A growling lovelier than a bear.
A puma’s snarl is also nice,
When eating, they vomit, and so
Eat twice.
– – –

Part One: Life

II

OUR share of night with bears,
Our share of mourning,
Our blank in bliss to kill,
Our blank in the global war on terror.

Here a star, and there a puma,
Some lose their way.
Here a mist, and there a chewed-up islamofascist insurgent,
Afterwards—ponies!

(apologies to Emily Dickinson)

How ’bout some Haiku?

The bears of Iraq
Eat Shia and Sunnis both
The pumas – just Kurds.

– – –

This new plan is great
We’ll win with bears and pumas
After that, Iran.

– – –

The bears will mop up
The pumas will watch, and wait.
Hey! Leave some for me.

The noble puma stalks Iraq
Snapping bones in sneak attacks
The valiant bear patrols the streets
Feasting on insurgent meat

For freedom! Mangle brownish tots!
For justice! Slaughter girls in lots!
Let Liberty’s Paw smash brains to pulp!
And Peace’s Maw rend flesh to gulp!

Bears and Pumas send martyrs to heaven
Impervious to the AK47
And then ZOMG PONIES!!!!11Eleven

Corrupt Iraqis flee the Bears
Only to encounter Puma Pairs
For deliverance they turn to allah and pray
While the Bears and Pumas say “Let us Prey”

A lion from the mountains of Cali
From the Green Zone one fine day did sally
She ate all the Baathists
Cached the last Islofascist
Then went to the market to dally

While a bear started eating his leg
An insurgent was then heard to beg
“Bear spare me! Have pity!”
And the bear thought it witty
To let pumas crack his skull like an egg

I’m lovin’ this theme. Keep ’em coming!

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