You Can’t Stonewall Without A Grabar
All right, first of all, let’s get one thing straight: I don’t know who this ‘Matthew Yglesias’ fellow is, but I do know that he’s never once sent me an e-mail telling me how awesome I am, so screw him, is my feeling on the subject. Second-thing-straightly, the only time anyone should read The Atlantic is when David Brooks is complaining about the hip-hop music and how it makes darkies burn cars.
Brooks: “Respeck due, seen?”
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about our imaginary girlfriends.
There are some who favor the button-down propriety of a Marie Jon’ in their imaginary girlfriends. Some are attracted to the steely domination of a Laura Ingraham, the naughty insouciance of a Michelle Malkin, the sexy mouth-foam of a Debbie Schlussel. As is made evidently clear every time she, er, ‘opens a thread,’ there are many people who are sexually attracted to the deranged inebriation of a Pamela Geller-Oshry-Von Valkenbergh-Ewing-Prager. And I am assured that there are even people left in America who think Ann Coulter is hot.
Not for me, friends. In the vast and fertile harem of right-wing lay-teez, there is only one for me, and her name. . .is Mary Grabar.
Above: Ooh baby baby, baby baby
Mary has a PhD. in English, so you know she’s all brains under that sensible navy top. Mary teaches at an unidentified university, which my research indicates is the Lower Georgia Community Bible College for Homeschooled Cattle. Mary is a sexy, saucy redhead who looks sort of like Khrystyne Hajj from Head of the Class after an unfortunate accident involving a baler. And Mary has taught us many valuable lessons for navigating our way through the complexities of modern life: the “atheists are dumb� lesson, the “atheists are undemocratic� lesson, and the “anyway, democracy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be� lesson.
I am so blinded by my love for this exceptional woman that I could scarcely discern the lesson in her latest column. I had to read through it slowly and carefully, alone, with a bottle of Everclear and some Kleenex; and now, so will you.
If you were a student at Virginia Tech last fall and had a propensity for the gruesome and violent you could have satisfied your thirst for the bloody and course requirements by enrolling in Professor Brent Stevens’s English 3984 class, “Special Studies: Contemporary Horror.�
Why…I think I know someone JUST LIKE THAT!
Guess who took that class that watched The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and explored in papers and a “fear journal� how “horror has become a masochistic pleasure,� according to the course description? Guess who read a graphic novel (a book with pictures, i.e., a comic book) titled From Hell by Alan Moore…?
Because Mary and I have a special bond like only lovers do, I already know the answer. But since you don’t have that special bond, I will tell you: it’s Cho Seung-Hoi! Yes, the liberal immigrant and quondam-Muslim murderer not only played violent video games probably, he also watched a horror movie in class when he should have been learning that a preposition is not something you should end a sentence with!
The showing of the videos and writings left by Cho has stirred up much debate by commentators. But what about the videos and books that were considered “texts� in an English class in an institution of supposedly “higher learning�?
What about them, indeed! We can only hope that Cho was the only student at VA Tech to take that particular class, because otherwise, there are dozens more massacres to come, all committed by the other kids who watched The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Now that I think about it, I have both seen that movie and read From Hell! It’s a good thing my gun is way the hell out in my car and I’m too lazy to go get it.
To aid and abet this moral leveling we have a curriculum made up of titillating ephemera. Among the panoply of trivia are grievance tracts by “overlookedâ€? writers, cave paintings, scalp dances, performance art, pornography—and horror flicks–that professors think will draw student-customers.
Whew! I feel all…breathy, don’t you? Hey, hands off, you grease monkeys, she’s mine. Anyway, Mary spends a lot of time here explaining that comic books and movies are not real literature, but I already know that, because if they were things worth studying in college Jesus would have mentioned them. Then she gets to the meat: atheists, in addition to their stupidity and hatred of democracy, are just downright evil and, frankly, inhuman.
When most college freshmen are presented with Alexis de Tocqueville’s notion that government should encourage religious belief and that atheists should be “marked as the natural foes of the whole people,� they gaze with horror. How dare he state that an atheist’s ideas are less valid than a Christian’s!
Oh, baby, you know how I get when you use sarcasm. Now if Mary really loves me, she’ll use the word “screed� and imply that Cho, despite identifying himself with Jesus Christ, is part of our pervasive culture of anti-Christian bigotry:
Cho’s screed against Christianity is only slightly less logical than those that have been penned and published by Ph.D.’s since the 1960s.
Oh, man, and a shot at the dirty hippies to boot! Maybe it was the flowers and chocolates I bought her. But surely…surely we’re not far enough along in our relationship that she’ll string a bunch of crazy negations together and end with the claim that liberal arts teachers are just as dangerous as mass murderers?
What more appropriate education for the next egotistical, narcissistic, soulless, anti-Christian, anti-authority, anti-hero? Among those to be feared, indeed, are those like Professor Stevens, who assume to elevate Cho’s real-time actions of horror to a genre worthy of study.
Folks, if you’ll excuse me…I have a ring to buy.
When most college freshmen are presented with Alexis de Tocqueville’s notion that government should encourage religious belief and that atheists should be “marked as the natural foes of the whole people,� they gaze with horror.
Doesn’t her admission that de Tocqueville is still taught in the schools run counter to the rest of her argument?
“What more appropriate education for the next egotistical, narcissistic, soulless, anti-Christian, anti-authority, anti-hero?”
Yeah, as opposed to the logic-challenged, authoritarian, mysoginistic, ‘I’m going to heaven and you’re not’ pro-bigotry, pro-Patriot Act, pro-fascist?
That’s hot.
I wonder how freshmen react to Alexis de Tocqueville’s notion that racial segregation in America and Algeria was admirable and necessary.
I imagine they would also gaze with horror.
But once Mary’s through with them, they stand on their desks and doff their baseball caps with a cheer for ol’ Toque.
So, if studying Cho’s “real-time actions of horror” is a Mark of Evul, why is Mary writing a whole column studying them?
But maybe if you have no facts and no logic, it’s not really study, so that’s ok.
Couple of thoughts:
When I looked at that picture, particularly after the big buildup, I threw up in my mouth. Not a little, a lot. The kind where you need to find a trash can before you start talking again.
Second, after said little adventure, I don’t think I will ever achieve an erection again. At least not before I scrub my eyes with lye, anyway. Thanks a bunch.
she’s not that bad. she looks like Nicole Kidman’s granny, and that’s good enough for me.
also, yet another new NRA slogan. Guns don’t kill people, English teachers do.
Guess who read a graphic novel (a book with pictures, i.e., a comic book) titled From Hell by Alan Moore?
Uh, I heard he didn’t read it– waited too long–, but he saw a film (a series of pictures with sound, i.e. a movie) based on it and it starred JOHNNY FREAKIN’ DEPP!
Sadly, no. She cannot beat “Ann Coulter… is a good woman whom I believe holds no malice toward anyone.” and “The Democrat leadership… also seem to enjoy writing profane things on the Huffington Post and other blogs like them”. Pure sex! http://www.renewamerica.us/columns/jon/070329
Shorter “I had a dream”: I read the spark notes for Plato’s Dialogue.
Yes, because we all know Baby Jesus never, ever expressed displeasure with the rich and those fixated on material possessions–unlike those atheists, who are always trying to get you to look beyond your ipod.
Wow! In addition to her PhD, Mary has a black belt in post hoc ergo propter hoc! I’m sure you’ll be very happy together.
My ephemera ain’t titillated.
Among the panoply of trivia are grievance tracts by “overlooked� writers, cave paintings, scalp dances, performance art, pornography—and horror flicks–that professors think will draw student-customers.
Because of course nothing is educative unless I deem it so. Therefore, only the pretentious witterings of rich white men will be considered of value.
Sorry, that should read ‘rich, avowedly christian but secretly fascist, white men’.
I’m sorrry, but I can’t tell if that is really David Brooks, because I don’t see him holding his mealworm treatâ„¢.
I read all the way to “titillating ephemera,” at which point I decided, yeah, I’d fuck her. I had no need to read no more.
Men are such pigs, eh?
As for my main man, DaveyB – jus’ keep kickin’ it ol’ school, yo.
I’d be willing to bet either Mary Grabar or her PhD is a total fabrication.
To aid and abet this moral leveling we have a curriculum made up of titillating ephemera. Among the panoply of trivia are grievance tracts by “overlooked� writers, cave paintings, scalp dances, performance art, pornography—and horror flicks–that professors think will draw student-customers.
Long words like this, strung together willy-nilly… instill fear in me… no, wait, what’s that other word? Palindrome? Litotes? Requisitttttetes?
I prefer to think of todays’ Americans as “worker-clients” – students included…
I think we can see why she shares her office space with discarded furniture. I guess she can’t take the hint.
And to think that with a first paragraph like this:
The woman was six feet tall and pale. Her whiteness was emphasized by black hair framing a face with cheekbones high and wide and lips painted scarlet. She had an exotic look about her despite the eyeglasses and hair in a tight bun. A tweed suit hugged a shapely form that towered on long legs above stiletto heels.
that she’s “currently trying to find an agent for my novel, Dancing with Derrida.” If only literary agents weren’t already part of the Islamo-englisho-teachero conspiracy!
Or maybe it’s the second paragraph:
With an expression befitting Milton’s pensive nun, she entered the school room that contained an American flag, a large globe, and a small desk holding a giant red apple. She carried a stack of books close to her chest, her stiletto pumps clicking as she sashayed her way to the small desk. She set the books down, frowning in surprise at a note now apparent to her under the apple. She took it out from under the apple, and read with a red-manicured nail from her free hand posed to her full mouth in a posture of seductive perplexity. The bubble-gum pop song, “A Wonderful World� by Sam Cooke, started up and the lyrics, “Don’t know much about history, don’t know much biology. Don’t know much about a science book. . . “ accompanied her intent reading. The woman then looked out at the sea of male faces in the dark, and let a smile break out over her face at the refrain of “And if this one could be with you, what a wonderful world this would be.�
I could go on, but I won’t.
From the Dept. of Christmas in April:
Did anyone else case Coulter’s reference to “when Adam ate the apple”?
Garbar is really freakin’ creepy. Not just because of her crazy writings but because she looks like my ex-girlfriend. Mr. Pierce, you can have her, and I won’t say I told you so when she tears your heart out.
Guns don’t kill people, English teachers do.
Dammit! And I woulda gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!
You know, I’m not ruling out the lingering aftereffects of recreational chemistry for this, but here goes: I look at that picture of Grabar and it immediately morphs into those stretched-out fright masks used by Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin in Beetlejuice.
Ooops. Shit. Did I just loop us back to the Alec-Baldwin-is-teh-evil thread? If so, my bad. But I’ll still blame the aforementioned aftereffects.
I can’t tell the bloggers without a scorecard anymore. Did Mister Leonard Pierce have a different handle before, or is he new to the site?
Just to let the ladies in on a secret. Men consider mouth-foam to be the most potent and effective aphrodisiac.
Y’know, I look at that picture of Mary up there, and one question dominates my mind. I wonder about the three days leading up to the moment the shutter opened. Sure, within a couple hours previous she scrubbed her face with cold water and re-applied her makeup with the skill and brevity only learned in the harsh morning light at the jagged end of many, many all-nighters.
If that picture was taken on Thursday afternoon, she had not actually slept since getting up Tuesday morning. Tuesday night was drinks out which led to her going home with three guys and a bag of peruvian flake. All night group sex followed, whereupon she rinsed out her underwear, put on the spare blouse she kept in the car and went to work. Wednesday afternoon she was beginning to droop, so she ran out and scored an eightball of crank and by midnight she was dancing with a handsome Salvadoran gangstah named Antonio. Thursday morning the panties were unrecoverable, so they went in the trash and she stumbled, squinting, out into the cruel morning sunshine of Thursday morning. When they came up to take her headshot, she had fixed the makeup but that’s the best she could do with her hair…
mikey
You neglected to mention in your list of women some males find attractive, the glossy Sanjaya-loving sensible woman- and feminist-of-her-generation, Ann Althouse. For shame.
O wingnut, my wingnut!
(standing on my desk, firing a gun into the ceiling)
She was dancing with Derrida until she heard him
make a snide remark about there being no
“whores du texte.” Before leaving the floor she turned
around: “To think I was going to cook you a parole
souffle!!”
Fifty bucks says she reeks of cat pee.
I’d be willing to bet either Mary Grabar or her PhD is a total fabrication.
Mary Grabar, “Analogies between Nazi culture and American culture in Gravity’s Rainbow, The Thanatos Syndrome, and White Noise (Ph.D. diss., University of Georgia, 2002).
You lose. You owe grampaw lunch.
When they came up to take her headshot, she had fixed the makeup but that’s the best she could do with her hair…
Hey, Mikey, my hair looks kinda like that! And imagine, I don’t have to do a thing to it: I wash it, and leave it, and hey, it does that. So lay off the hair, or I’ll sammich ye.
Fifty bucks says she reeks of cat pee.
Hey, Kingubu, I reek of cat pee! At least, in my defense, I am a cat.
Just to let the ladies in on a secret. Men consider mouth-foam to be the most potent and effective aphrodisiac.
Ewwwww. No wonder I can’t get a root.
Ms. Grabar’s dissertation:
“This dissertation examines certain ideological comparisons made between the culture of Nazism and the culture of contemporary America by novelists Thomas Pynchon, Walker Percy, and Don DeLillo. Both the arguments and the aesthetic techniques of these authors are examined in representative novels. In Gravity’s Rainbow , Pynchon’s analysis of Nazism is informed by concepts derived from the social protest movements of the 1960s. Through various rhetorical strategies and motifs, Pynchon promotes the thesis that the modern Western notions of rationalism, scientism, capitalism, and militarism are interconnected and that it is ultimately these notions which are responsible, not only for the fascist character of life in post-war Italy and Germany earlier in the century, but also for the fascist character of life in post-war America. In The Thanatos Syndrome , Percy likewise implies that Nazi practices and certain contemporary practices, like those associated with abortion, euthanasia, or social engineering in general, may be described equally as unforeseen or unintended consequences of the Enlightenment. In White Noise , DeLillo presents characters who, in different ways, are overwhelmed by a deluge of cultural production (unlimited amounts of information, goods, and services) which cannot be adequately responded to or understood. Through satire, DeLillo shows how the rationalization and commodification of all forms of production, including the production of ideas by university professors, can be associated with a decline in critical thinking, a decline which makes it impossible to recognize the true character of anything, such as fascism itself.”
No wonder she couldn’t get a job at a real university: this is a classic “guided tour” dissertation, with three arbitrarily chosen authors connected by a vague theme. It’s like a term paper writ large. I’ll bet her committee accepted it just to get her the hell out of there.
Isn’t this the woman who claimed christians invented democracy in an earlier column?
You know one thing; she’s either a liar or a masochist. What are the odds she really made it through Gravity’s Rainbow or anything Derrida ever wrote? (I won’t ask about comprehension out of respect for the new guy’s crush.)
Oops.
I always forget to log back in.
Qetesh: Hey, Kingubu, I reek of cat pee!
Only since the hair grew back.
Her whiteness was emphasized by black hair framing a face with cheekbones high and wide and lips painted scarlet. She had an exotic look about her despite the eyeglasses and hair in a tight bun.
It’s Ilsa, She-Wolf Of The SS!
A tweed suit hugged a shapely form that towered on long legs above stiletto heels.
She sounds like a mutant she-wolf.
She carried a stack of books close to her chest, her stiletto pumps clicking as she sashayed her way to the small desk.
Is Mary a lesbian? Just wondering.
She took it out from under the apple, and read with a red-manicured nail from her free hand posed to her full mouth in a posture of seductive perplexity.
She must be a lesbian. With a taste for women who have to spell out the words when they read.
blah blah blah accompanied her intent reading.
See?
The woman then looked out at the sea of male faces in the dark, and let a smile break out over her face at the refrain
Why is she clickety-clicking around in the dark? How can she read? How can she see the sea? Why does her face break when she smiles?
Missy Mary may have a PhD, but her writing skills are third grade. I, myself, Qetesh the Abyssinian (and not Ann Althouse as some of you may have thought), I could do better.
Provided that no-one’s emptied the litter tray.
FWIW, her dissertation isn’t downloadable from Proquest’s “Dissertation & Theses” archive, which is very odd for a 2003 diss. It must be quite bad. Anyone at U. Georgia willing to dig it out?
Y’all, the appearance-based crap is tedious, no matter how offensive her anti-atheist bigotry and inferior English-writing skills. I myself am amused that she lives in Stone Mountain, GA, the confederate Rushmore.
You are a shit, you could have ended this by just telling us she was a raving nut job instead of forcing us to read this retards drivel . Communist swine!!!!
You owe grampaw lunch.
Bugger! Name the time and place.
From the dissertation abstract: “This dissertation examines certain ideological comparisons made between the culture of Nazism and the culture of contemporary America by novelists Thomas Pynchon, Walker Percy, and Don DeLillo”
Is it just me, or does this look like source material for Jonah Goldberg’s forthcoming Liberal Fascism?
Further: “DeLillo shows how the rationalization and commodification of all forms of production, including the production of “ideas” by university professors, can be associated with a decline in critical thinking”
Amazing!1!!1! Here ya go, committee, I hope ya like the part about your “ideas!” LOLOLOL
I don’t know whom to blame more, Mary Grabarse or the three profs who rubberstamped her through grad school. I expect they were all horribly drunk at the time.
Grabar: “The very notion of democracy is based on Christian principles—a historical fact, though one not really emphasized in our public school system.”
You know, you learn something every day! So the ancient Greeks knew Christ as their personal Savior even before He was born! How informative.
Y’all, the appearance-based crap is tedious
Talk about your unintended consequences. I used to care. Deeply. I really did. I didn’t want to be perceived as racist, or sexist, or any other -ist. But a couple months of slogging thru Teh Stoopid with a Ruck fulla funny and getting called all sorts of nasty shit for JUST KIDDING AROUND and y’know what? I simply don’t care anymore.
Oh I’ll still do the volunteer work for the causes I believe in, and I’ll still try to live my life the right way and continue to make up for past transgressions, but I will NOT give a damn if somebody out there looking for a reason to be offended is gonna be offended. I tried and I offended them anyway, so screw it. They’re gonna be offended no matter what. I don’t have time for the whining. Shut up, go out and make a difference in the world, don’t just carp that my admittedly off-color humor is offending or oppressing you. Fer crissakes, get a life, or a sense of humor, or at least a little emotional kevlar. Sheesh…
mikey
Anyone willing to slog through her dissertation could actually take a look:
http://dbs.galib.uga.edu/cgi-bin/ultimate.cgi?dbs=getd&userid=galileo&query=id%3Auga_grabar_mary_200208_phd&_cc=1
But based on her writing skills, I wouldn’t recommend it. She is, as you have gathered, a typical embittered would-be academic who fails to land a job and begins to seethe with resent against all the things that have caused her failure: liberalism! Atheism! Norms of decent writing and critical thought.
Nutella
(@ University of Georgia)
Hey Mikey, you try running around the mall with emotional kevlar!
Gawd damn lookivists@#%1!@!
Stay offa my lawn!
Actually, Nutella, the pdf doesn’t seem to be accessible outside the uni network. I, and countless thousands, are crushed.
different brad: That was part of the bargain the uni made with Ms. Grabage. There’s only so much embarrassment an institute of higher learning can take, ya know.
i read about ten comments and wanted to blow my brains out.
someone on there was warning parents to keep track of the classes their children were takingin college. because normally, twenty-year old students allow their parents to monitor and select their class schedule. right.
I guess it’s a glass half full or half empty thing. I think she’s a wonderful advertisement for their grad programs. I’ve certainly never been taught anything like that in all my useless years of higher education. I’d love the chance to learn such hidden truths. It’s like when that noted polymath, Rick Moran, bragged about how he started his self-education with the works of Socrates. How can anyone doubt the possessors of such secret wisdom?
Off topic, I turn 30 in five hours and 34 minutes.
Does this mean it’s too late for me to make it big in Hollywood?
Students, steeped in relativism, scoff at the notion of original sin
Yes, they do. Because it’s a fucking ridiculous myth that was written down about twenty five hundred years ago by people who believed that insects had four legs, that a family with only two boys could carry on the human line, and that the sun and daylight are two separate phenomena.
Yes, they do. Because it’s a fucking ridiculous myth that argues that eating a fruit made a petulant god curse humanity for ever and ever cause he really really really meant it when he said, “don’t eat it.”
Yes, they do. Because it’s a fucking ridiculous myth that supports a vicious subordination of half of humanity because their sex broke this god’s rule. And it’s a myth that believes this god forever cursed this one sex with monthly cramps for this single woman’s mistake. And it’s a myth that probably killed off the whole fucking turtle dove population in the Levant, since the priests ordered that all women had to sacrifice two–yes, two–turtle doves on an altar to cleanse themselves after the emission of their monthly curse. No word on partridges.
Hey db, maybe the words are taking on a bigger meaning for you?
mikey
The woman was six feet tall and pale. Her whiteness was emphasized by black hair framing a face with cheekbones high and wide and lips painted scarlet. She had an exotic look about her despite the eyeglasses and hair in a tight bun. A tweed suit hugged a shapely form that towered on long legs above stiletto heels.
With an expression befitting Milton’s pensive nun, she entered the school room that contained an American flag, a large globe, and a small desk holding a giant red apple. She carried a stack of books close to her chest, her stiletto pumps clicking as she sashayed her way to the small desk. She set the books down, frowning in surprise at a note now apparent to her under the apple. She took it out from under the apple, and read with a red-manicured nail from her free hand posed to her full mouth in a posture of seductive perplexity. The bubble-gum pop song, “A Wonderful World� by Sam Cooke, started up and the lyrics, “Don’t know much about history, don’t know much biology. Don’t know much about a science book. . . “ accompanied her intent reading. The woman then looked out at the sea of male faces in the dark, and let a smile break out over her face at the refrain of “And if this one could be with you, what a wonderful world this would be.�
With one deliberate gesture she released her hair from its Implied Subjection, but requir’d with gentle sway, letting it flow John Miltonesque over her Atlantean shoulders, fit to bear the weight of mightiest monarchies. Swaying her voluptuous hips to the primal beat, slowly, seductively hiking her skirt above her ample alluring fundament, and with coy submission, modest pride, and sweet, reluctant, amorous delay she began to stroke her pink pouting pudenda.
From the current schedule of classes at the small college where I teach (where every student comes in with 13 years of anti-Christian indoctrination, fer shur, in rural Mizzurah):
Amst 301 How to Hate America, intro to American Studies
Arts 314 Art History III: Cave Paintings by those fucking useless evolution-proving Cro-Magnons and even more worthless freaking Hottentots
Biol 222 Biodiversity and unbelievable lies about how humans shouldn’t use up the earth’s resources to their hearts’ content
Biol 456 Godless Evolution (Honors)
CJad 203 Crime Scene Investigation and how those Liberal lawyers are gonna screw you over if you screw up one tiny thing
Engl 420 Literature from anyone but Whitey
Geog 101 Learning about other places without direct intentions of learning to bomb them more effectively
Poli 323 Undermining Your Commander-in-Chief with critical thinking skills
and finally,
Hist 115 Anything but Western Civilization
Fifty bucks says she reeks of cat pee.
Eau de kitty litter. PhD’s go for a subtler smell.
But this was a motto used throughout the twentieth century by other “bold� thinkers who thought for themselves; there were many around in the 1930s. I don’t want to charge you with plagiarism, but I have not found one statement in your little tract that differs in any way from their points of argument.
I think she just violated Godwin’s Law there.
twenty-year old students allow their parents to monitor and select their class schedule. right.
You might be surprised, jenni. Parents are into ratemyprofessors.com as much as students.
After reading Mary’s dissertations, I’m now torn between fantasizing about her, or Alyssa Milano…
Speaking of “looksism,” I’d like to see David Bobo get his hideous teeth fixed, preferably with some fine, hegemonic grillz!
My hair looks like that too (‘cept it’s a few inches longer and remains the color the Big Fucking Killer in the Sky intended it to be) but you’d think someone so dedicated to the classical verities could try a comb or brush (or did those cave painters invent them?).
I’d guess Miss Grabass is about five feet, if her novel’s heroine is
six feet. (Is that w/ or w/o those stilletto heels?)
Ah, Everclear. Would that it were available iin this benighted state!
ACTUAL IMPORTANT QUESTION: How the fuck-tuck-tuckin’ hell does one get this site out of this hideously generic WordPress format & back to the way the proprietors intended it to look?
She has a Ph.D.? Jesus fucking christ, my world is riven to its foundation.
Grabar: “The very notion of democracy is based on Christian principles—a historical fact, though one not really emphasized in our public school system.�
Other great, albeit little-known, corollaries of christianism include crop rotation, the Wankel rotary engine, and compound interest.
Oh, and those dumbfucks who keep ringing me to offer me telephone ‘products’.
And sewage. That’s based on christian principles too. And plastic.
Plus, christianity is the reason my milk goes off in the fridge after only 3 weeks or so. God’s truth.
She has a Ph.D.? Jesus fucking christ, my world is riven to its foundation.
I couldn’t agree more, Ms. Clio. I think this shows the depravity of the English departments in the US, does it not? Those conservatives are always ranting about that, and now I’ve seen her, I think they’re right.
Mind you, it’s only a PhD in English, not a real subject like maths (immediately assumes “make myself look big” pose, fluffs up fur, waves claws about).
Good kitty, smart kitty — maths are the coolest. It’s true that I don’t know very many English PhDs, but the ones on the internets are a strange, sick breed.
Prrrrrr. Glad someone out there likes maths. I don’t have a PhD, merely a humble Hons, but maths is indeed the cat’s whiskers.
By the way, Sadly blokes, am I allowed to whine plaintively about how the “Read more of this story” links never work for me? I can blame that on you, even if I can’t blame you for bloody Townhall only letting me read the first page of their stupid articles.
1. You owe grampaw lunch.
Bugger! Name the time and place.
I was just trying to have some fun with grampaw’s social science experiment from this thread.
2. that a family with only two boys could carry on the human line
Well, there was a woman present, you know.
3. Come on, Sadly, No!-ites. Throw your degrees in the air! And wave ’em like you just don’t care!
Ahhhh, man, left out again. I WANTED to go to college, really I did. I even felt comfortable there, like I belonged. But they kept expecting me to “apply myself” and “do the work” and all that, and it really wasn’t fair.
It was just so much easier to hop on a bike and go to Arizona….
mikey
Goddammit, J–
You’re right.
2. that a family with only two boys could carry on the human line
Well, there was a woman present, you know.
I just don’t think like YHWH did.
(No wonder Eve was pissed enough to sass YHWH or the Elohim, whichever it was, since this was part of his/their pre-meditated plan.)
Oh man, that was a mean trick…I followed the link over to that ‘hot red head’s’ site and now there’s something stuck to my shoes and a stench I can’t get out of my nose!
I’m going back to ‘rednskinny4u.com’, at least they hose that joint down every four hours!
Isn’t “sexy mouth-foam” more of a contraceptive than an aphrodisiac?
When my ex-wife would start foaming at the mouth, she would be about to start throwing shit, and it was best not to try to put da moves on her right then. It was definitely NOT the time to try to touch her junk….
mikey
I have to go.
Isn’t “sexy mouth-foam� more of a contraceptive than an aphrodisiac?
Even without “teh sexy mouth foam”, isn’t the mouth a contraceptive by default?
BTW, I’m glad we took the time to expand our minds on such a profound and scholarly topic, like “sexy mouth foam”.
a curriculum made up of titillating ephemera
Q: How do you titillate an ocelot?
A: Oscillate its titalot.
Cat-related humour courtesy of Flying Rodent (so blame him if it wasn’t funny).
“[…]learning that a preposition is not something you should end a sentence with! ”
At least you didn’t leave a dangling participle, however…
I run a computer game center in SoCal. Two years, no mass murders. I’ll keep you updated as to all the inevitable carnage that should occur any day now.
Alexis de Tocqueville’s notion that government should encourage religious belief
Old Toques is taking the government’s perspective there… religious belief is better from the point of view of the rulers, since it fosters obedience and acquiescence.
We crazed anarchists have a different perspective, but we would, wouldn’t we?
Well, no offense but…
I fucking know who Matt Yglesias is. Never heard of or read anything by you before, unless it was under a different name. So.
( I presume that there’s an explanation a few threads down as to who “Mister Leonard Pierce” is)
[whistling tunelessly, tapping fingers and toes]
With an expression befitting Milton’s pensive nun, she entered the school room that contained an American flag, a large globe, and a small desk holding a giant red apple. She carried a stack of books close to her chest, her stiletto pumps clicking as she sashayed her way to the small desk. She set the books down, frowning in surprise at a note now apparent to her under the apple. She took it out from under the apple, and read with a red-manicured nail from her free hand posed to her full mouth in a posture of seductive perplexity.
OK, it’s not good. Not a lot of narrative momentum building up there, what with qualifiers attached to every feckin’ noun, flapping around in the breeze and distracting my attention, like the labels attached to everything in Dave’s Used Furniture Emporium. But at the same time, within the Airport Novel genre, it’s no worse than anything in the Dan Brown oeuvre.
Speaking of which, between Mary and her students, I reckon there could be a market for an Airport Novel about secret atheist societies and the steps they will take to suppress the dreadful secrets about the founders of atheism.
So far I’ve written the section where Brother Blake the psychotic atheist assassin (bearded, balding and strangely attractive) is trying to pass through Customs disguised as a member of the Order of St. Lazarus.
—————————————-
Blake stiffened even more. The only way he could have been more dignified is by wearing a crown, or sitting in a throne, or being Queen Victoria. “What I am wearing should be proof enough, for these garments are unique to the St. Lazarus brotherhood. Every item bears its own special symbolic significance. Not to mention significant symbolism. See the heavy chain of wrought-iron links around my waist – hear it clanking as I move – a reminder of penitence. This medallion, hammered out from an iron meteorite uncovered in Greenland, symbolises purity of purpose. See, in a hidden scabbard up my left sleeve, a plain broad-bladed dagger symbolising the shield of impregnable faith. And concealed up my right sleeve, a stretto of fine Damascene steel, standing for low rat cunning.�
“A stretto is a section of a fugue where subject entries overlap, the second beginning before the first has completed. Do you mean a stiletto?�
“I was expecting a customs inspection, not a musical education.�
The inspector shrugged. “Your possessions, or lack of them, are not enough. Surely you have a passport… some more regular credentials.�
Blake pointed again to his assorted metal ornaments and implements. “As you can see, I am travelling with forged credentials!�
He had always dreamed of saying that.
So, mikey, I take it that it wouldn’t have been the best time in teh world to try and put, um, any part of you into any part of her. Especially not her mouth. ::::teeth–shudder::::
I can’t decide which turns me on more, the titillating ephemera or the cuddly face sheen.
Does anyone else get a taste of irony in their mouths when we atheists are raised up on a pedestal on near deity-like mythology as the pure incarnates of evil and wrongness in the world? Like minotaurs, or succubus, but with better outfits?
You can still do Bear porn, adb!
.
Oh! Wait….
Seriously, happy birthday, anyway!
Blake stiffened even more. The only way he could have been more dignified is by wearing a crown, or sitting in a throne, or being Queen Victoria. “What I am wearing should be proof enough, for these garments are unique to the St. Lazarus brotherhood. Every item bears its own special symbolic significance. Not to mention significant symbolism. See the heavy chain of wrought-iron links around my waist – hear it clanking as I move – a reminder of penitence. This medallion, hammered out from an iron meteorite uncovered in Greenland, symbolises purity of purpose. See, in a hidden scabbard up my left sleeve, a plain broad-bladed dagger symbolising the shield of impregnable faith. And concealed up my right sleeve, a stretto of fine Damascene steel, standing for low rat cunning.�
“A stretto is a section of a fugue where subject entries overlap, the second beginning before the first has completed. Do you mean a stiletto?�
“I was expecting a customs inspection, not a musical education.�
The inspector shrugged. “Your possessions, or lack of them, are not enough. Surely you have a passport… some more regular credentials.�
Blake pointed again to his assorted metal ornaments and implements. “As you can see, I am travelling with forged credentials!�
He had always dreamed of saying that.
The inspector, a woman eight feet tall and pale, her whiteness emphasized by black hair framing her face and the general dark-skinned jewyness of Blake, with cheekbones high and wide and lips painted scarlet, eyed Blake’s stiffening and seductively touched the erect nipple of her blossoming bosom thrusting though the thin fabric of her blouse. She had an exotic look about her despite the looming forehead and the eyeglasses and hair implants. A tweed suit hugged a shapely bonobo form that towered on long legs above stiletto heels. Like all women, she was all about the shoes. But she wasn’t fat.
With an expression befitting Mellville’s ruminating Ishmael, she moaned ,”They are insatiable in terms of senses”, then she hiked up her skirt and rubbed her ripe red reproductive organs with a pickle.
Long words like this, strung together willy-nilly… instill fear in me… no, wait, what’s that other word? Palindrome? Litotes? Requisitttttetes?
She is using the rhetorical technique is of “Driving the reader to drink”… more often known by its Latin name, reductio ad bibendum.
Like minotaurs, or succubus, but with better outfits?
Better outfits? In my dreams.
Twelve foot tall, cheeks of titanium, lips painted red with molten lava, she strode to the podium on giant robot legs. Milton’s scalp on a silver chain dangled carnally betwixt her heaving bosoms. The Slipknot song ‘grr grr grr’ boomed in the background. Contemptuously she eyed the audience of pussy jewboy atheists.
And ripped the head off a chicken and threw the bloody remains into their apathetic faces.
Then she hiked up her skirt and popped pingpong balls from her pussy.
She is so slovenly..or is that Slovenian?..and she seems to exemplify the accusations, as a result of the VT tragedy, that English degrees are empty sheepskins. Both she and Cho were immigrants who chose English as a major. If this continues, we’ll have people named Rodriquez or Martinez majoring in English. Can’t have that. Build a wall.
The beauty is that you can use all your three syllable words when you try to seduce her.
digamma and Marq: I assume this is the Leonard Pierce who blogs at Clown Central Station
Damn. Try again:
I assume this is the Leonard Pierce who blogs at Clown Central Station. It appears he’s been asked to post here in some capacity.
Guess who read a graphic novel (a book with pictures, i.e., a comic book) titled From Hell by Alan Moore…?
Well we can connect a couple of dots right here: the film adaptation of From Hell was written by one Rafael Yglesias, who just happens to be ATL Matt’s dad. Jane Hamsher (firedoglake.com, just in case Mr Pierce hasn’t heard of her either) was one of the producers. No funnin, look it up.
I suppose I should clarify:
1. I am indeed the author of Clown Central Station and other frivolous web content.
2. I do indeed know who Matthew Yglesias (and Jane Hamsher!) is, and my claim that his identity is not worth knowing due to his failure to send me an e-mail telling me I am awesome was what is known in the small joke trade as a “gag”.
3. Also, I am not actually in love with Mary Grabar.
And yes, I have been asked by the management to post here (for which they have my profound thanks), and have not in fact hacked into the site simply in order to name-check a forgotten star of Head of the Class. Answers to all further questions can be found in my upcoming book, All the Jokes I Have Ever Told Explained in Tedious Detail (Regnery, $39.95).
¡Bienvenido, Señor Pierce!
What the fuck is with you guys? She looks just fine. She’s nuts, but she looks just fine.
Anyway, would she be even one tenth of a percent less nuts if she looked like Jessica Alba’s identical twin sister? Stop being sexist asshats.
Herr Doktor Bimler rocks harder than carborundum.
Anyway, would she be even one tenth of a percent less nuts if she looked like Jessica Alba’s identical twin sister? Stop being sexist asshats.
Oh come off it. Sadly Noites (Sadly Notians? Sadly Noese?) have shown themselves more than willing to make fun of the appearances of wingnuts of any and all genders. We are not “sexist asshats”; we are “looksist asshats.”
And if Jessica Alba has a twin sister, can you give her my phone number please?
what I don’t get is how these rightards bellow and spew piss all over academia, but then turn around and flaunt the degrees they got FROM THE UNIVERSITIES they hate. If universities are so full of america-hating hippies and do-gooders, why does any conservative regard degrees from said institutions with any modicum of seriousness?
If Mary Grabar is all het up on Great Books and Timeless Values, why is her dissertation about works from the late 20th century? (I guess it could be about how said works suck it hard.)
For another thing, if it’s descriptions of massacres she’s after, there’s no shortage in Teh Gr3at Bookz!!1~!.
Yeah its not that I’m looking to be offended, I just don’t get what is funny about the female conservative jokes. They seem to be either
A) dumb hos who prattle and seethe about stupid things because they need to get laid (and probably are total skanks when they aren’t pretending to be all christian ‘n shit)
or B) not worth fucking, therefore not worth listening to.
Fat jokes don’t bug me, nerd jokes don’t bug me, Welsh jokes don’t bug me, but this does. I understand that some of these women may be “asking for it” by sexifying themselves, but can we shred peabrained robot zombie columnists without objectifying them?
Or, can we at least discuss the fuckability of various male conservatives?
From teh stupid athiest article.
We are Lucifer, Satan, the Bringer of Light, pissed off at being created with no genitals! We are Legion!
Who gets to be the Whore of Babylon? Now that is an awesome endtime gig. Could we hold a raffle with the WoB pos as the prize? We could use the proceeds to fund reality based sex-ed.
She works at Clayton State, which though small is a real school with books and everything.
Sadly Noites (Sadly Notians? Sadly Noese?)
Sadlynauts!
Ahh, but Mr. Kieman, you misinterpret the daily doings here at S,N!
You see, having long learned that wingnuts of this stripe are Studiously, stupendously, heroically non-rational, it is impossible to have a reasonable discussion with them; in fact, to hold them in high enough regard to attempt a dialogue is, in fact, unpossible and a triumph for them in itself.
Therefore, the only path available is withering, acidic scorn and titanic levels of derision,, hopefully done with a bit of zest and style. The ideas they present are their desired talking points; our arsenal of snark is most effective when it ranges from the deeply shallow levels of their thought to the sallow depths of their being; the trite, personal and superficial, although maybe easy targets, are viable, no, necessary targets entirely because their ideas are so worthless.
And the discourse has been tainted ever since Limbaugh decided to ridicule Chelsea Clinton’s look on national TV. You want sexist piggery? Look to EIB; at least round these parts, the men will give a woman a fair chance to demonstrate she’s an equal. Failing that, it’s War on Wingnuts, and all’s fair. Ugly, but fair.
Besides, W.K., you miss the sharp glint of sheer crazy in that icy stare. Look again. Sheer Coulter behind that stare.
can we at least discuss the fuckability of various male conservatives?
I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Has no one checked out her homepage, http://www.marygrabar.com/ ?
It has the enchanting,vewy vewy literatical title (Type a title for your page here).
Swoon.
As one who confessed to throwing up in my mouth over Mary Grabar, let me say that I am equally nauseous thinking about Glenn Reynolds gettin’ busy. And yes, I find that much of my critique of said pathetic, sad callow fellows stems from their perceived inability to pound their pathetic members into anything approaching a state of arousal.
In fact, I think it a fundamental tenet of modern conservatism — male, female and whatever gender Ann Coulter is — to be enraged that everyone else is getting laid and I’M NOT, GODDAMNIT.
So yes, I plead guilty to looksism wrt Mary Grabar, but hey, it is decidedly not a gender thing.
Sadlynauts!
Sadly-Nopolitans
An up-and-coming feminist professor of rhetoric who conducts research by stripping at the Classic City gentlemen’s club, Tight Ends. The sexual revolutionist/moving company entrepreneur who takes his disco dance moves to the contra/Cajun dance circuit. A romantic cowboy who loves literature and his ex-fiancee. His director at the University of Athens, one of the last of the old guard, who takes his stand in the classroom for God, country, family, and the power of poetry. This is the first chapter of my novel looking for an agent and/or publisher.
What is it with wingnuts and dirty novels?
Not bad…
But she’s no Kaye Grogan.
Renew America is totally babelicious. I feel like a spy in the house of love.
The fuckability of conservative candidates is certainly a topic ripe for a snarking…
It’s just that they’re all gonna score in teh deep negative numbers on that one.
Just for the record: ewwww.
Too good to be true!!!
But how will she handle the internal conflicts when they offer tenure?
Mary Grabar
Title: Temporary Assistant Professor of English
Department: Language & Literature
Telephone Number: (678)-466-4746
Office: MUS-226
E-mail: MaryGrabar@clayton.edu
Web Page: http://a-s.clayton.edu/grabar/homepage.htm
bl0ndej0n: can we at least discuss the fuckability of various male conservatives?
Hmm… someone have a link to just about anything on written on this site about Ben Shapiro?
Clayton State University is accredited by the Commission on Colleges of the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools (1866 Southern La., Decatur, GA 30033-4097: Telephone 404-679-4501) to award associate and bachelor’s degrees.
May 2004 The Board of Regents approves Clayton State’s B.A. degree in English.
They just graduated their first English B.A.’s in 2006. Looks like Mary found a ground-floor opportunity.
But uh-oh, what’s this? A Master of Arts in Liberal Studies? Hmm…
at least round these parts, the men will give a woman a fair chance to demonstrate she’s an equal
Billy, you know I love ya. But I have to ask: Why is it that the men round these parts get to give the women a chance to demonstrate their equality? I mean, gosh, that’s mighty white of them and all, but it seems to me that if the menfolk are in a position to give the womenfolk a shot at equality, then there’s the presumption of an inherent inequality . . .
[/seriousness]
Okay, I think Tucker Carlson’s hot.
Is it just me, or is every paragraph on the grabar’s home page (yes, I went, it’s Michael’s fault) suffused with paranoia? On her own shit, she can’t even talk without announcing she’s a persecuted little victim. On the other hand, I suppose it’s better for her self-image to imagine she gets dissed because of conservatism, rather than more accurately blaming her inane stupidity.
For obvious reasons, involving pots and kettles, I am loath to call into question either Grabar’s qualification or her intelligence. For me, it is enough to ridicule her on aesthetic grounds (she writes as if entering the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest), and for losing contact with consensus reality whenever she begins to think about the topics of atheism and secular humanism. There is always the possibility that she will recover from both of these afflictions.
This is the funniest post this side of Jesus’ General. Thanks for the laugh!
I kind of like that first chapter. It actually reads like a parody of a satirical portrayal of the evils of academia. The first scene is of an academic feminist researching for her investigation of sex work (a chapter on teacher crushes) by performing at a strip club in a “costume” consisting of her regular lecturing clothes. Which is really not such a long way from an academic researching the world of right wing punditry (and in particular the subgenre of moderately attractive crypto-fascist pinup girls) by writing columns railing against atheism. Just saying.
She is simply an atrocious writer. I am appalled that any academic institution of any size hired her to teach anyone else how to read, think, or write, when there must have been 100 better-qualified candidates.
And I have to wonder why she isn’t blogging it furiously about this. [crosisng my fingers on making the link]
Mary Grabar
Title: Temporary Assistant Professor of English
Department: Language & Literature
Wow. Maybe that’s the way Academic Personnel does things at Clayton State, but as far as I can tell, Temporary Assistant Professor is another way of saying “Part Time Lecturer”.
Hardly a tenure track position. I think community college district appointments lie in Mary’s future.
And – is it just me, but does the opening sequence of the novel remind me of the character of Lana Lee in “Confederacy of Dunces” posing for erotic photos with Ignatius’s copy of Boethius and a globe?
Great Gobs of Goo!!! For those of you sent to Seventh Heaven by the “naughty insouciance” of Our Lady of the Concentration Camps, proceed directly to hotair.com & wallow in the wonder of Michelle Mabuhay Malkin in FULL CHEERLEADER DRAG jumping up & down cheering the “Defeatocrats!!!” (Typing w/ my nose as BOTH hands are busy elsewhere…one of them’s cleaning up the urp…)
Oh.
See?
Ya just shoulda dropped in an introductory paragraph, just in case some of us were not so well read as to have perused Clown Central Station before.
You could just as easily have been, say, Gavin under a new nic. Your writing style isn’t dissimilar to his. The bit in my post about “whistling tunelessly…” was something of a paraphrase of something Gav wrote some time ago, a bit he re-uses from time to time. IOW, it was a bit of
plagiarisma guess.Well, welcome on board. Didn’t mean to give you a hard time.