Two-Minute Townhall
And in the 70s there were Osmonds, lots of little Osmonds. Lots and lots of Osmonds everywhere.
Shorter Michelle Malkin: Colleges should teach students to defend their beliefs. As in, physically.
Shorter Ben Shapiro: The fact that Jackie Robinson suffered institutional racism in silence while the Rutgers women’s basketball team seemed to revel in the insulting comments of one shock jock shows just how low our society has sunk.
Shorter Jacob Sullum: As a libertarian, I can appreciate a good shootout.
Shorter Walter Williams: Schoolchildren should be taught to properly appreciate the historical benefits of slavery. To do otherwise is brainwashing!
Shorter Kathleen Parker: Al Sharpton and Don Imus each represent a beleaguered minority, one real and the other perceived.
Shorter Mona Charen: I’ve been warning that something like this would happen.
Shorter Megan Basham: The United States is slouching toward socialism in order to satisfy greedy feminists who don’t want to sacrifice their families or career.
Shorter Tony Blankley: The downfall of Don Imus was brought about by a restless mob incited to near violence by mainstream liberals and their media, urp, agitators.
Shorter Jonah Goldberg: Everything worth saying about the Don Imus thing has been said already, so here’s an inside-voice defense of political correctness for my readers to dispute.
Shorter Brent Bozell III: I’ve compiled a list of complaints about this year’s Pulitzer Prizes.
Shorter John Stossel: I’m still intrigued by this whole flat-tax idea.
Shorter Terence Jeffrey: John McCain should run on the economic policies that sunk the Bush presidency.
Shorter Austin Bay: Maybe American liberals would go for a missile shield if Europe starts building one.
Shorter Debra J. Saunders: Global warming is a conspiracy by rich people to make their cars look even cooler in comparison to yours.
Shorter Matt Lewis: Here is a list of inspiring quotes that might apply to the McCain campaign.
Shorter Bill Bennett: Perhaps you can find some words of comfort from this week’s tragic massacre in my new book, released just yesterday.
Oy.
The Rutgers women are terrific basketball players with bright futures who were insulted by a moronic shock jock. But just what have they done to earn the laurels placed upon them?
You answered the question yourself, dumbass.
“Global warming is a conspiracy by rich people to make their cars look even cooler in comparison to yours.”
Makes more sense then the rest of their rationalizations.
For that blathering idiot Malkin, what if Virginia didn’t lead the nation in handing handguns to anyone who wants one, unhinged or not?
Heh, it’s as if Bill “Lucky” Bennett wrote his screed this week as a deliberate smackdown to Noonan.
(Quoting Saint Raygun)
“We are not a sick society. A sick society could not produce the men who set foot on the Moon… we are today, the last best hope of man on Earth.â€?
Darn it! I was really counting on some advice on an adjustable rate mortgage this week. Townhall, how you disappoint me!
That Bozell article is pretty funny. Kind of boilerplate for him, but I still chuckle when he gets all butt-hurt about wingnuts not winning prizes–and then offering up Coulter as an example of a deserving conservative who doesn’t get awards because the damn dirty liberals have shut her out of the running. Certainly not because she’s fucking nuts and utterly useless.
That Walter Williams is even allowed to teach probably best exeplifies the decline of American society.
Heck, there still are. Biiiilyuns and biiiilyuns of ’em, in fact. They keep most of ’em sequestered away in the molybdenum mines of Utah, but come election day…
Well, that’s why Smint Romney will win teh Pretzledentcy! Huzzah!
The problem with pussy liberal arts students today is they don’t vigorously debate and defend their ideas – and by “debate and defend” I mean “yell while shooting at each other.”
Mulling today’s list was rather like being offered too many blue plate specials.
Shorter Austin Bay: Maybe American liberals would go for a missile shield if Europe starts building one.
Shorter me: Dumbass, missile shields don’t work and probably never will.
People who talk about building “missile sheilds” really push my buttons. Popularizing this dangerous, expensive, and ultimately futile fantasy of protection from nukes may have been the single worst thing that the Reagan administration did.
Shorter shorter Ben Shapiro:
Nobody likes an uppity negro.
Shorter Debra J. Saunders:
Environmentalism is like a religion, but I’m an agnostic to that idea, so, na-na-na.
Headlines you don’t like to see: Ky gun laws are not as strict as Virginia’s
the single worst thing that the Reagan administration did.
Whoa there! At the risk of starting a new thread that would be sure to be trollbait (criticizing St. Ronnie brings ’em out in droves), the Star Wars boondoggle really shouldn’t even crack the top 10.
Let’s see: 1) Funding an illegal war against Nicaragua via distribution of crack to inner cities 2) Giving weapons to the Iranians in exchange for the release of hostages, a move that is really behind all the troubles we’ve had in the Middle East since, 3) Massive budget deficits from insane tax cuts, 4) Anesthetizing the American people with simplistic “feel good” rhetoric, 5) Whoring out the Interior Dep’t to whatever corporate greedmeister signed the biggest check that week, 6) Reagonomics, 7) El Salvador, 8) Unleashing Ed Meese and the Christian Right, giving them the taste of blood that’s emboldened them ever since, 9) PROLONGING the cold war with reckless hostility, 10) David Hasselhoff.
Any other suggestions?
Yeah, all that other stuff is really bad, don’t get me wrong. But convincing people that nuclear war can be won– to me, that’s a 1000-year problem. The other ones, as bad as they are, are 100-year problems at worst.
Oh holy mary mother of god, please don’t let David Hasselhoff be a 100-year problem.
Germans think longterm. Thousand-year Reich, Hundred-year Hasselhoff.
The Mind Magic of Bozo Bozell!
Ladies ‘n’ gentlemen! Here I have a list with all your names on it. An ordinary sheet of paper with ordinary writing on it. My lovely assistant, Bozella will pass it around if you wish. Now first I cross out the names of all the conservatives on it, okay? Notice at no time does my Sharpie leave my hand. Now I cross out the names of the apolitical amongst you, right? And now I… AAAAARGH! What is this? ARRRRGH! This list is all liberals, nothing but lefties and liberals! AAAAARGH! It’s a conspiracy!
Shorter Kathleen Parker: Al Sharpton and Don Imus each represent a beleaguered minority, one real and the other perceived.
Let me guess: Kathleen believes that I-mess is the “real” beleagured minority, and Sharpton is the “perceived” beleagured minority.
OTHO WordYeti; if the false sense of nut-swinging security the idea of a missile shield brings leads directly to a nuclear war and everybody dies, I’m pretty sure it would deserve a spot on the top ten.
Above Hasselhoff at least.
“Hundred-Year Hasselhoff” would be a fantastic band name, on a par with the one created from yesterday’s NPR story on Chinese mistranslations in Beijing: “Saliva Chicken.”
WF
Wait … “saliva chicken” was a misprint? What the hell did I eat last night??
[sound of footsteps disappearing down hall to bathroom]
I dunno, WF, it sounds more like a porno to me…or at least a Marilyn Monroe flick…
Shapiro cheats:
It’s time for a quick quiz. Who are the heroes, villains and victims in the following scenarios?
…
The press has treated the Rutgers women as heroes and the Duke players as lepers.
Dammit, “lepers” wasn’t one of the choices! How the hell are we supposed to pass a quiz like this?!
About time. Why do you think I keeping coming back here? See you next Thursday – right?
[…] I also mentioned Saliva Chicken in a comment at the great and snarky blog Sadly, […]