Friday Swankery
It’s been far too long since I’ve been able to post anything on this fracking site (and it still took me 20 minutes just to log in), but I figured I’d start everyone’s weekend off with a jolt of Pastor Joseph Grant Swank, Jr.
In today’s edition, the good pastor examines one of the biggest social problems of our day: apparently, the gays are driving black folks away from Jesus. Take a look:
HOMOSEXUALITY TEARING APART BLACK CHURCHES
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.
The disease spreads further.
Once large black churches have lost members due to the pastor changing from the biblical data regarding the active homosexual lifestyle to accepting the active homosexual lifestyle.
Nope, I got no idea what the fuck I just read.
Black parishioners who once were loyal have disappeared, some having been members since childhood, others driving from the suburbs into the inner city but no more.
The gays are forcing black preachers to stay out of the inner cities now? Wow! What other wicked powers lurk within their groins?
Black Christians who confess the divine revelation as the Word of God cannot tolerate any scissoring out of certain passages to accommodate the current homosexual lifestyle acceptance. They would rather face God at the judgment being loyal to His eternal verities than compromise for the pastor’s present-tense preaching.
One particular pastor had to deal with his adult son informing father that he, the son, was homosexual. That turned the father’s preaching from biblical to pro-homosexual. The congregation did not like that.
The only one who could ever teach me (how to be extremely gay) was the son of a preacherman.
For those homosexuals who do become born again Christians, they commit their futures to the celibate state, just as heterosexuals do. However, with the homosexuals, they claim great anguish particularized to their celibacy. On the other hand, heterosexuals who become born again don’t publicly wail over being celibate till finding a marital partner.
Nope, they take all that angry, pent-up frustration and pour it into their weekly Townhall columns.
They put on the cloak of discipline to follow Christ according to the biblical moral base. The same is expected of active homosexuals who turn from their sin to God’s holiness.
Nevertheless, though most homosexuals don’t want the biblical way, the Christian church must continue to invite homosexuals to their worship services, inviting them into the born again experience, then letting them decide whether to remain or exit. At least the local church will not be criticized for not welcoming them.
“Hey, as long as we pretend to like them, no one can call us bigots.”
Here’s a fine bonus Swank column, the tintillatingly-titled “MO GOV EXITS PP MONEYS”:
MO GOV EXITS PP MONEYS
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.Missouri Governor Matt Blunt is no friend of Planned Parenthood.
He has sliced their moneys from Show Me Healthy Women programs throughout the state.
“’Today, I put an end to taxpayer dollars going to Planned Parenthood,’ he said. ‘This ensures women may access important preventative care without contributing to abortion providers’ goal of facilitating the destruction of innocent life.’”
Show Me Healthy Women provides free breast- and cervical-cancer screening for low-income females.
Motherfuckers. How dare they?
However, the moneys were funneled through the chief baby killary in America. The governor informed the press that he totally supports the programs but simply will not tolerate them coming under the PP financial take.
So to save the lives of womb babies, the government should make sure a bunch of non-womb women die from breast and cervical cancer. Seems like a fair trade-off to me.
And that, my chillins, is your weekly dose of Swank!
For those homosexuals who do become born again Christians, they commit their futures to the celibate state
Wait, wait, wait… now they’re forcing gay church members to send the proceeds from their commodities investments to Alabama?
However, with the homosexuals, they claim great anguish particularized to their celibacy. On the other hand, heterosexuals who become born again don’t publicly wail over being celibate till finding a marital partner.
One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong.
I endorse this product and/or service.
Also, I hope you guys will repent from your wildly homosexual ways so that the Great Dude in the Sky will once again allow your TCP packets to flow like Heineken on this student’s Spring break.
*brap*
“For those homosexuals who do become born again Christians, they commit their futures to the celibate state, just as heterosexuals do.”
Then how are baby Born Again Christians made?
Me thinks his wife might be embellishing the rules on him a wee bit.
“On the other hand, heterosexuals who become born again don’t publicly wail over being celibate till finding a marital partner.”
… He just answered his own question.
“being celibate till finding a marital partner.”
We’ll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in!
““’Today, I put an end to taxpayer dollars going to Planned Parenthood,’ he said. ‘This ensures women may access important preventative care without contributing to abortion providers’ goal of facilitating the destruction of innocent life.’â€?”
Okay, first: every idiot knows it’s spelled “monies” not “moneys”. Or, in a pinch, “Benjamins”
Second, I”m not sure how cutting funding to an organization that distributes condoms and such is supposed to make it easier to distribute condoms and such.
But then again, maybe that’s why I’m not from Missouri.
Also, who blabbed about PP’s plan to put a “laser” on the “moon”?
First Reagancy, now killary. Is there a dictionary of Standard Wingnut English we should be familiar with?
Thanks, frightfully rich Lebowski. I couldn’t figure out how the Noes had offended Him (or Her or It or Them, as the respective case(s) may be). So, like the man said, straighten up so the packets can flow. Already.
Is a “killary” some sort of skirt worn by Scotsman impersonating female Democratic candidates? Or perhaps a collection of things related creeks and brooks?
Or is Chief Baby Killary the head of the po-leece in Swank’s neck o’ the woods?
The way I figure, if Rho’Dilun can have a pol named Bambilyn, then anything can happen.
I stood at the door of the killary
Looking for a homo to pillory
Feeling quite strong and celibate
Full of god’s love, I’ll tell ya whut
At the portal I was faced with a choice
“Left or Right” hissed the soft little voice
I wasn’t sure which direction to take
I wasn’t sure if the voice was a fake
If I went right I could teach them a lesson
Pastor Swank and a big Smith and Wesson
But if you turn left out the door of a killary
You’ll meet your fate in the presence of Hillary
mikey
Once large black churches have lost members due to the pastor changing from the biblical data regarding the active homosexual lifestyle to accepting the active homosexual lifestyle.
Took me a couple of reads, but i got it… ‘once’ is modifying ‘large’ as an adverb… could be rewritten as:
black churches (the ones that have been large in the past) have lost members…
I resent having lost brain cells reading that tortuous screed. Killary indeed…
I can’t believe you guys rip on Pastor Swank. He’s a good person and a great writer.
What has he ever done to you?
But at least you read him and expose his columns to others. I bet there’s plenty of lurkers here who will become regular J. Grant Swank readers. So I guess you’re doing him a covert service after all!
So you stopped the DOS attacks by fragging your own site? Huh.
I can’t believe you guys rip on Pastor Swank. He’s a good person and a great writer.
A good person? He’s a bigot. And insane.
You know, if Swank became Brownback’s speechwriter, he’d become the frontrunner overnight.
I think I can safely speak for nearly everyone here when I say we are all fervently hoping for this to come to pass.
Ted, you remarked on the least outrageous of the two claims…
Where the heck did all the comments go?
I can’t believe you guys rip on Pastor Swank. He’s a good person and a great writer.
Hee hee hee, yeah, he sure is. Oh wait. You’re SERIOUS! Oh shit.
Yeah, Swank’s a great writer like Sam Brownback’s a great humanitarian. Oh. Waitaminute. Isn’t Psychout that brownback nutjob? Never mind…
mikey
Once large black churches have lost members due to the pastor changing from the biblical data regarding the active homosexual lifestyle to accepting the active homosexual lifestyle.
Biblical data? Sure. Fine. As long as we’re going by biblical ‘data’, rather than that fuzzy, feel-good, interpretative nonsense, here’s some other biblical data I’d like to see enforced more closely, because some people have become way too lax in their adherence:
The wearing of the laws on hands and forehead;
Beard-trimming;
Pig-eating;
Nailing your slave’s ear to the door;
Stoning your whole family.
And could this be why Bush’s war of occupation is unsuccessful?
Honestly, if people would do what they’re supposed to, the world would be a much better place.
‘…then you must take an awl and drive it through the slave’s ear and into the door. He will be your servant forever.’
Damn. Now that’s cool. Hey Qetesh, you think this would work on chicks too? And if I don’t have an awl, can I use a number two (huh huh, he said number two) pencil? And I really don’t wanna fuck up the door, you think I could just drive it through her ear and into the wall?
mikey
As long as you guys don’t bother Marie Jon’ and Melanie Morgan we can co-exist.
I’ve got my eyes on you, Psycheout.
Because you can’t spell Swank without teh wank.
Screw Brownback. Swank for President!!!1!!
He writes like Bush talks.
As long as you guys don’t bother Marie Jon’ and Melanie Morgan we can co-exist.
I can’t tell if he’s being serious or not. Heaven forbid he ever googles “Site:sadlyno.com marie jon’.”
Qetesh, don’t forget the law regarding sexual discharges!
…large black churches…
That’s just a stereotype.
Its like the MO MONEYS we come across
The more problems we see
That’s just a stereotype.
It’s twue, it’s twue!
…large black churches…
In religion, just as it is with artillery, size matters…
mikey
Sshh. Don’t say anything. Don’t jiggle any wires. Don’t change any freakin settings. And fer gawds sake, don’t fart around with the router. It’s working REALLY well – much like my space…
mikey
I thought I’d seen it all when I recovered from “biblical data”.
But then my eyes spotted “killary”.
Pardon me while I email the OED staff.
“…chief baby killary in America”
Is that like an armoury?
Or a combination of kill and facility?
A killbot factory?
Interesting. I warned the Sadly No crowd from making fun of Melanie Morgan and Marie Jon’ and BOOM! The comments were wiped out. Is this a sign?
I want a Yahweh Lego figure!!!!!!
One particular pastor had to deal with his adult son informing father that he, the son, was homosexual. That turned the father’s preaching from biblical to pro-homosexual. The congregation did not like that.
Um, didn’t Pastor Swank’s son…?
But ooh! The gay! That’s way worse!
This man would have a fit if you even suggested that he has a ‘subconscious.’
I’ve got a pet theory that the works of J. Grant Swank, Pastor, are the result of a combination of a stroke, a gallon and a half of Jagermeister at a sitting, and a scorching case of Tourettes. Any takers?
I’ve got a pet head of romaine lettuce that works like J. Grant Swank, Pastor …
fixed your typo.
Stop talking about those old flame-ups or flare-shields or whatever the kids are calling them …
the dilemma cuts both ways
MO GOV EXITS PP MONEYS
Yer shittin’ me.
Doodle Bean said,
March 31, 2007 at 3:11
I want a Yahweh Lego figure!!!!!!
Complete with eggshell hat? ‘Cos I reckon that’s the best bit.
Psycheout’s an alchemist! He turned mikey’s shit into poop!
Now that the site’s working, I can blither nonsense like this for hours.
bet there’s plenty of lurkers here who will become regular J. Grant Swank readers.
And laughing their asses off every time!
I loves me some Pastor Swank. Pasteo Swank is discovering for the first time – hello!! – inner city churches are losing members. The inner city black churches are experiencing the same thing inner city congregations of all kinds are experiencing – their congregations are moving to the suburbs and building new physical plants and people just don’t want to come into the city anymore when they can worship in the neighborhoods where they live. This the fault of gay people? Hardly!
But I do loves me some Pastor Swank. He’s got an interesting theme going about the Bible:
We got “biblical data”, we got “scissoring out of certain passages”; we got “slic[ing] and dic[ing] the copy.”
“The copy” — get that? The bible is “copy”, just like the text on a billboard or a banner ad. Cool, huh?
And – gotcha! I caught him! How many times have I heard racists use the phrase “the blacks” the refer to black folks? Here he goes:
It is quite the suffering quandary facing both laity and clergy throughout the worldwide Christian church. And the blacks are not exempt.
Well hell yeah. I can see him sitting on the Ver-ANNE-Dah at sunset, enjoying a Gin and Tonic with the fellows, waiting for the boys to finish grilling the Wildebeast loin. Ahh, goode tymes…
mikey
Hi mikey!
You been grilling any wildebeasts up in Northern CA?
We had a little brush fire in the Caheunga Pass today.
“’Today, I put an end to taxpayer dollars going to Planned Parenthood,’ he said. ‘This ensures women may access important preventative care without contributing to abortion providers’ goal of facilitating the destruction of innocent life.’�
Fucking Matt-Boy Blunt is a lying, incompetent asshat, but you knew that.
He put an end to taxpayer dollars going to cancer screenings for poor women. The Planned Parenthoods here in SW MO don’t even perform abortions.
They provide routine health care like Pap smears, etc. for poor women, most of whom can’t get care anywhere else because Fucking Matt-Boy Blunt and his Repuke state lege have gutted Medicaid.
Women in SW MO who need abortions, like most women in Red State America, have to drive for hours to find a clinic.
I hate this fucking state. Blunt and his boys are SO GONE in ’08, because everyone hates them, even Republicans.
Hey g! Nah, perfect springtime up here. I’ve got the House Finches fixing up their place out over the deck, I did a boneless pork chop over wide spinach noodles with an apricot/red wine reduction with shallots and wild mushrooms. It pretty much kicked ass…
mikey
Oh, and a giants game on the box! Yay!!
mikey
Wow, SadlyNo is loading faster and faster.
If you folks ever worried you’d lose your base because of server suckage, you don’t know how superduperglued we are.
The laughs is back.
Mmmmm. I’m going solo tonight, SO is visiting family. Made a sandwich and had a glass of wine. Dogs on the porch.
Came home from work and went to get the mail and discovered that the puny little jasmine vine I planted last summer was climbing the oaks about 20 feet high. Found out from the scent, and then saw the flowers way up there!
It’s spring!
Brick Testament? new favorite site….
Woohoo. It works. We missed you SN!
Now let’s get back to making Ann Althouse cry.
Gosh I love knowing there’s a google alert waiting to tell her I mentioned her name.
Honestly, I think SN! should write Ann Althouse a dozen times in hidden text, like the porn people use, in every post.
I personally dig the sight of a married pastor explaining that gays-who-aren’t-allowed-to-marry-and-thus-must-be-celibate should just suck it up, you know, like all those straights-who-will-get-married-someday (The sooner the better, ’cause we need those babies), and, presumably, like all those priests, and haven’t we seen how well they all do with the celibacy.
Also, I want to see Pastor Swank denounce the abductory industry, perhaps even the alien abductory industry. I suspect he’s headed that direction, really.
There once was a pastor called Swank
Whose writing was quite clearly rank:
His hatred for gays
Sent him into a daze,
So his prose, like a dumpster, just stank.
Qetesh, wonder what would happen if your 2 crazy cats ran into my 2 geriatric dogs?
“biblical data” Is that anything like “scientific scripture”? A day without
Pastor Swanker is like a day without sucking a bums dick.
The Demon Kishkan and Zevon The New Dog are chasing each other in circuits ’round the house. (One of the reasons Zevon came to live with us is that the fat middle-aged girl dog Princess Buta Hime-Sama and the elderly retired chorus girl dog just couldn’t provide the aerobic entertainment that Kishkan demands; we have two other cats for balance but of course they’re too wary of The Demon to cooperate with her Maine Coon moods.) Apart from the occasional billiards-style caroom off my softer spots, these two are waaaay more entertaining than Pastor Swank on his best day. Is he running his drafts through Babelfish?
Can we post on this damn thing yet? The internets tubes are no longer friends with Sadlyno.
People, listen up! I don’t know what you are talking about — and I don’t want to know. I’m keeping my eyes tight except enough to see what I am typing. But I refuse to read your character assassinating mean nastiness.
This is Ann Althouse. And I bring you a message.
—I voted for Clinton twice.
—I voted for Russ Feingold.
—There’s this little thing called “9/11.” Maybe you’ve heard of it???
I will have you know that Garance used tricks on my mind to make me explode like that. I mean, not explode. To make me call her out as a character assassinator, I mean.
Because she is a character assassinating bitch!
Did I tell you that she used tricks of the journalism trade to make me blow my stack?
But she’s not the only one with the mind tricks.
Did you know that Barack Obama can infiltrate your mind and take over your thoughts? It’s true. Even the left-o-sphere’s Mark Schmitt was willing to come right out and say Barack Obama is just like “Lex Luthor,” and “very sinister!”
It’s true. See? Right here:
— http://bloggingheads.tv/video.php?id=192&cid=952&in=42:00
I blogged about Obama’s mind-control powers here:
— http://althouse.blogspot.com/2007/01/he-can-enter-your-space-and-organize.html
—Ann Althouse, Professor of Law
You know what they say. Where there’s Swank, there’s Dave.
When are we going to be treated to the glorious diktats of Chief Coach Spaghetti-Puller again? I eagerly await his down-home wisdom and his strong stance in favor of Operation Rescue and against womb baby killaries.
When good ole’ cross-burning, lynch all the black men who think about techin’ the white woman hatin’ the gays hahhhhhd foke like the Pastor Swank talk about carin’ bout the sank-titty of the Black there’ um’ church in its relayshun to the Jesus …
Then I gutta staht hatin’ the gays … just hatin’ em for what they do to my black frens and my lord, the gay-hating Jesus.
Just gutta …
Where’s my whoopie pie …
(s)wanker of the day !
MO GOV EXITS PP MONEYS
Is there something Pinko Punko needs to tell us about his financial situation?
They put on the cloak of discipline to follow Christ according to the biblical moral base.
Something tells me that when Reverend Swank has perfected his Christian role-playing game, it will involve a +2 Cloak of Discipline. Like a hair shirt but more stylish.
MO GOV EXITS PP MONEYS
So the Swankster is moonlighting as a headline writer for Variety?
the chief baby killary in America
Can we call him Killary Swank or would that be rude?
Glad you guys are back. Missed you.
The only one who could ever teach me (how to be extremely gay) was the son of a preacherman.
Well, Dusty Springfield was a lesbian.
Jas,
I’ll take some of that action!
Data….sure….
Hey, mikey, I need to rescue the reputation of my fellow SAfricans.
While the boys were spitroasting the wildebeest, the guys on the stoep were sipping brandy & Coke (still the drink of choice among discriminating Afrikaners). Gin & Tonic is for limeys and girls.
A small, but essential, correction. As you know. I am a fan of yours and would hate for you to be less infallible than the friggin Pope.
One particular pastor had to deal with his adult son informing father that he, the son, was homosexual.
Glad he added that bit, else I would have thought that the pastor was being informed that he was gay by his adult son. It’s good that Swank can at least once explain what he means.
I told you guys that Psycheout was going to be one of the best trolls we’ve had in a while! Isn’t he funny? “Don’t make fun of Marie Jon'”, indeed!
The only problem with making fun of MJ is that once you start, it’s hard to know how to stop….
And I am beginning to be convinced that there is a doctoral thesis in linguistics just waiting in “Religious Wingnut Grammar”. There has to be some underlying structural defect in the brain that accounts for it. I know that Chomsky’s theories on language aren’t popular with most linguist-types, but between the odd similarities between the writings of MJ and the Swankster, and stories like the KE family and their genetically-based language deficiencies, surely Chomsky’s work must be gaining some greater acceptance at this point?
I exited PP moneys once. It wasn’t enough. I want at least $60 for a golden shower.
Mary Jones said,
March 31, 2007 at 21:24
The only one who could ever teach me (how to be extremely gay) was the son of a preacherman.
Well, Dusty Springfield was a lesbian.
that knocked me off my seat LMAO