[Oh My God. Look at this wingnut. He’s so round. He’s probably one of those wingnut welfare guys. He’s just so… out there! So lazy, so pathetic. Gross. It’s like, wow.]

I am a wingnut and I do lie
With Cheetos and a slice of pie
When Dear Leader walks in with stupid on his face
and war all over teh place

I get sprung and I squawk
cuz I’m teh chickenhawk
Deep in the flightsuit he’s wearin’
I’m wankin’ while I’m starin’

Oh Dear Leader I wanna get wit’cha
safe from war-time action
Liberals make fun of me
But Bush’s codpiece makes me so horny

Oh, pasty with double chins
from basement & cubicle livin’
But I put teh ‘mac’ in macho
I’m teh head recliner honcho

MC Doh-E Pantload with homie, Wheeze-L

I’m tired of liberal fascists
Wit’ their Adolf ‘staches
Ask this ‘Freedom Pundit’ anything
‘Liberals are Nazis’: zing!

So, hey, fellas, fellas
Can you help me write my book?
I’m bleggin, I’m bleggin
Help a wingnut out
I’m teh laziest hack

I don’t want no brown or gay
just yokels chewin’ hay
I just can’t help myself, I’m spinnin’ for
Whoever says they’ll exterminate Muslims more

I talk all ‘Star Trek, Spock and Chekov’
in The Corner with the other jackoffs
fuck analogies that are practical
Politics is just like BattleStar Gallactica

I like my politicians real nutty and sleazy
I walk to teh fridge and get wheezy
Thinking bout Cheetos and Ro-Tel
And stickin liberals in Roach Motels

So I’m looking at wingnut politicos
Thinkin ‘who should I brown nose’?
Been this way since who knows
I can write wingnut hackery with my blowhole closed, yo

A word about my mamma
can slice and dice Democrats like she’s a chef from Benihana
But I gotta be straight when I say I wouldn’t have a job
If she hadn’t blown the whole Nixon mob

Wingnut welfare ain’t no fiction
It’s mine and JPod’s jurisdiction
Suckas worry about ‘facts’ and ‘decent’
I ain’t got talent but I’m here to stay…

I got new ways to say ‘get off my lawn’
I’m here to get the wingnutty on

‘Cause my name is Jonah, Jonah
gotta buy tents just to make pants
I’m doughy, doughy
K-Lo’s down wit dat
I’m teh laziest hack

So liberals are all like Frenchy fags
when they’re not feminist hags
Well ‘fascist’ Dems won’t help me get my war on

My jingo flab don’t want none
unless you got warmongers on
I might *think* about sidebends and situps
But I ain’t about to sign up

Now liberals want to play hardball
say to hold me accountable
See, I told ya they were fascists, yo!
If I’m fired I got nowhere to go

America says Bush is crap
But I ain’t down wit that
If he’d drop that liberal compassionate conservatism
‘Go war!’ is what’s left and I’d love him again

To the recruiters down at the station:
Get someone else not made of bacon
Now get me some ‘surge’ going on
’cause I wank to that war porn

Now liberals try to disparage
But I’m the King of Courage
I’m so brave to flame the liberals
I’m too busy wit’ dat, so the Army recruits criminals

So, editors, publishers
If your standards are nil
If you want a dialed-in reactionary attack
From a lumpy dough-filled sack
I’m your laziest hack

Laziest hack.

****

Yeah, I just had fun saying, basically, P4n7l04d I5 T3h F477’/ F47 VV1nGnU7 5uXXX000R!!!111!!!! So? Sure, by making fun of a fat chickenhawk hack, I’ve revealed myself as worse than Hitler! But I’m all right with that. Anyway, in case you really wanted something of substance — rather than, you know, pretend that you do but actually only want to complain about my crass foray into ‘looksism’ — then I’ve got that covered, too. Ok. Here’s a run-down of Pantload’s last week or so of ‘work’:

3/21: Phones-in a column in which he attempts to argue that the Democrats in Congress have already shafted their base, as compared to the Republicans who only recently shafted their base after taking power way back in ’94. Advantage, Repugs! How have the Dems shafted their base? By not signing Kyoto! Game, set, match. Also, apparently, it’s only the Democrats’ base that wants the Iraq War to end. Well, it ain’t been ended yet! Neener, neener. He actually gets paid for this shit.

Ugh. Today is apparently Pantload’s birthday. He’s 38 (I’ve determined by carefully counting Ring Ding rings) now, which when taken into account with his size means that he’s not only expanding faster than our universe, but also at a faster rate than Bill Bennett. Refer it to Stephen Hawking. Or John Frink.

Posts an e-mail bemoaning the fact that ‘neocon’ has come to mean ‘generic asshole’.

3/20: Brags that his column has been picked up by a newspaper in Bakersfield, which is like the Texas of California. What a coup for Pantload!

Prints an email from someone who thinks Idaho’s Potato Check-off is High Comedy. Food and ‘taxes’ — I expected a Pantload diatribe, but no. Hmm.

Pastes some silly poll without additional comment, the subject of the poll being Democrats’ love for government spending. Heh. Indeed.

Pastes in full a post of Ezra Klein’s, apparently assuming that Ezra’s depravity is self-evident to all. Ezra’s post argues quite logically that if there are Iranian protesters right in front of a speechifying Amadinejad, freely burning effigies and shouting ‘death to teh President’, then Iran isn’t the totalitarian society wingnuts make it out to be.

Warns that he’s about to take his clownshow to Minneapolis, which may not be as conservacool as Bakersfield, but I’m sure doesn’t deserve to be called ‘Moscow on the Mississippi’ and ‘Murderapolis’, as Dough-bob calls it. Run, Minnesotans!!1! Teh buttertroll Pantload will eat you!!!!1

3/19: Super fair-minded Jonah just can’t get as irate as other reactionaries over Muslim Target-employees refusals to handle pork. After all, that might mean there’s more left for Jonah to handle. Or maybe he keeps kosher and so can for once empathize. He even wonders if the Muslims have a First Amendment case.

A megawingnut writes in to remind Pantload that filthy wogs refusing to handle pork is so not like good Christian pharmacists refusing to fill morning-after pill prescriptions, because one is just about fucking food and the other is about being party to MURDER!!1!! Pantload replies that he can totally sympathize but the law makes it more complicated than that — implying, of course, that the emailer is right morally.

3/17: More on the ‘neocon’-is-just-another-word-for-‘wingnut’ theme.

3/15: The laziest hack in the world sees a liberal bumper sticker and has the following reaction:

I love this. The image that comes to mind is of some dude lying on the couch, his wife and/or mother hectoring him to get a job and he says, “look, my poverty time limit is over in six months, then we’re golden.”

Later, he posts some bumper sticker slogans he can approve of, and maybe identify with:

If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can read it in English, thank a soldier.

To err is human, to forgive divine.
Neither of which is the policy of the US Marine Corps

Fuck, he writes the punchlines for me.

3/14-15: ‘Bwahahaha! Drudge says American casualties in Iraq are going way way down. Choke on it, liberal cobagz!!!’

Uhhh. ‘Ooops, sorry! Those numbers are all wrong, but the dog ate my correction so I went to sleep and waited for K-Lo to fix it, but she didn’t, so umm, yeah.’

Shorter Mailed-in Column: ‘Now that Democrats are in the majority, I think bipartisanship is for shit.’

David Frum & K-Lo accomplish what I thought I was impossible: they make Pantload look smart by arguing that AG Gonzales should be defended in case he’s Bush’s eventual nominee to the Supreme Court. Pantload, to his credit, replies along the lines of, ‘you gotta be fucking kidding me.’

This is more like it. Classic Pantload, you might say. He complains about Lefties calling evangelical wingnuts ‘The American Taliban’. Awful! Preposterous notion! How dare those Lefties! But, aha, Jonah says: ‘here’s Dinesh D’Souza arguing the flipside: that the American Left is actually Taliban-like!’ And no famous conservative has endorsed D’Souza’s argument! Moreover, most conservatives have defended Michael Moore, et al., from D’Souza’s attack. So Jonah’s point “to ponder” is: why don’t Lefties police their side like the Right polices its side? Hmmm? Probably because Liberals are fascists.

3/13: Andrew Stuttaford, a libertarian, argues in The Corner that General Pace’s comments were stupid — the anti-gays in the military part, and the anti-adultery in the military part, too. The Army shouldn’t be so preachy and the military laws regulating such private behavior are stupid and counter-productive. Jonah will have none of that argument, thanks. The final graf of his retort is so precious I have to quote it in full:

I think cosmopolitan libertarians like yourself suffer a version of their own fatal conceit, as it were. They see no harm in their laissez-fair values for themselves and their friends and so they see no harm in imposing such values on institutions whose mission depends on entirely different moral codes and rules. In short, it seems an odd cause to champion: the need to “liberate” our troops so they can be free to boink other men’s wives and other women’s husbands.

Silly Stuttaford: He’s forgotten his Strauss! Traditional bourgeois morality is for the peons who exist to be controlled by the amoral class of pundits and politicos. Geez. It must be a trying experience for Jonah to have to correct these dipshits whose consistency requires battling structures that are irrational, hypocritical, stupid.

3/13: Jon Chait, who for a long time gave Pantload a run for his money in the ‘Most Horrible War-loving Bastard Pundit’ sweepstakes, snapped out of his obnoxiousness long enough to note what a prick Joe Lieberman is. Lieberman, echoing (other) wingnuts from Paul Wolfowitz to Perfesser Corncob, asserted that the problem with the Left is that it fears Bush more than it fears bin Laden. Chait countered by saying that’s an intentional misunderstanding of the Left’s strategy rather than its true moral calculus. Also, that it’s bad faith for Lieberman to assume that the Left opposes the war only because it loathes Bush. Ramesh Ponnuru quite fairly replied that the Left is merely using its influence where it will have the best (or only) chance of getting results. So it’s up to Pantload to be the hack. He doesn’t disappoint, argues that Bush’s opponents appear to have no principles, only oppose the war for political gain. Since ‘civility’ requires that one must lie, a TNR flunkie lumps Pantload in with those who “made good points”; then he accidentally gets very close to the truth: the Left is against Bush to the degree it is because it knows that Bush is more dangerous to America’s institutions than any terrorist, however bloodthirsty, could ever be — after all, it isn’t bin Laden who is trying to force the American government to shitcan the Constitution, common law, the Enlightenment…

Last one: Pantload reviewed Dinesh D’Souza’s book for the Claremont Institute of Advanced Wingnut Subsidies. He rejects D’Souza’s thesis on several points — he even goes so far as to say that he, G.I. Jonah, will physically defend D’Souza’s liberal victims from jihadi attacks: No one’s gonna behead Ted Kennedy on Jonah’s watch! Then there’s a bunch of blah blah blah, too tediously wingnutty even for my high tolerances, but then, finally, a gem of doofery:

The Islamists reportedly proselytize with the slogan “Islam is the solution.” For some on the Right the mantra is “Islam is the problem.” They will not stomach D’Souza’s fine distinctions between good Muslims and bad ones. The use of the word “dhimmi” is a good example. Muslims use this term to describe non-Muslims who agree to live under the yoke of Islamic rule and Sharia law. Some right-wingers have begun using it in much the same way their counterparts in previous eras referred to “collaborators,” “Commie symps,” or “fellow travelers.” We aren’t near the point where a respectable conservative says “the only good Muslim is a dead Muslim,” but one can smell the whiff of sulfur bubbling to the top of certain swamps.

Riiight! Bwahahaha! Jonah’s never heard of Pam Atlas and LGFs and Misha and Ace and Marty Peretz and Glennocidal Tendencies and Vodkapundit and Ann Coulter and Freepers and… infinity eleventy million wingnuts. Or does he mean none of them are “respectable”? It is a mystery!

Anyway, I’ve done more work on this post than Jonah’s managed in over a week. That’s the Protestant Work Ethic, biatch.