OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. THE BEST AND MOST AMAZING THING IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HAS HAPPENED.
WorldNetDaily has given CHUCK NORRIS a weekly column. Yes, this Chuck Norris:
Here’s an excerpt:
I enjoy giving and receiving Christmas gifts as much as anyone else, though I prefer those presents that build up mind, body and spirit, like the educational gifts found at Shop.WND.com or the fitness and other items found at our online store (the proceeds of which go to benefit our Kick Start program).
I want to challenge corporate management, private businesses, and the American public to keep the word ”Christmas” in their displays and advertisements, rather than replacing it with any generic ”holiday” language.
Don’t be afraid to inform businesses who keep ”Christmas” alive that you are appreciative and will encourage others to patronize their businesses. Notify those who do not that you will not. (That includes Internet companies — the fastest growing shopping mall.)
OK, so he really sucks. But hey- he’s just a beginner. Mr. Norris is going straight to the top of my list for Wingnuts to Watch in ’07.
Doesn’t WND know that Chuck is old meme? I mean, his meme is too old even for that shitty website, to be honest.
Chuck Norris is a right-winger? And here I thought after the progressive ideals shown in “Lone Wolf McQuade” and “Walker Texas Ranger” that Norris was a died in the wool liberal! I have to re-examine my life.
Is it me or is the excerpt as rambling as Coach Dave?
Don’t you dare wish Chuck a happy holiday or else he’ll round-kick a letter to the editor!
Happy Festivus, Chuck!
I bet he kicks @ss in the Feats of Strength.
Educational gifts at WND? What, they sneak in a See and Say while no one was looking?
“This is Rush! Rush goes BLAAAAA”
Shorter Chuck Norris: The meaning of Christmas is not about commercialism. That’s why taking the word Christmas out of the retail marketplace will destoy the meaning of Christmas for the next generation.
I guess Bruce didn’t kick him hard enough.
Finally, I have a valid reason for my long-unexplained pathological dislike of Chuck Norris!
Finally, I have a valid reason for my long-unexplained pathological dislike of Chuck Norris!
Hell, “Invasion USA” did it for me decades ago.
Chuck Norris knows the true meaning of Christmas.
To go roundhouses spreading cheer and good will.
This has to be a trap.
That was all right, but for true Chuck Norris wingnutty goodness,go here.
What does Ernie Reyes, Jr. think?
I enjoy giving and receiving Christmas gifts at least twice as much as Chuck Norris. And people like getting presents from me at least nineteen times as much as they like getting them from Chuck Norris, because I never give anyone a bunch of shit from the World Net Daily store.
Alright, can I just argue for a Chuck detente?
I mean, other than his borderline-wacko response to the Chuck Norris meme, he’s long been a proponenet of involving kids in martial arts for phys ed, learning to compete with sportsmanship, as well as being beneficial for adults.
As a (near) middle aged guy who has turned to taekwondo to stave off the ravages of age, I respect Chuck for picking it up as an adult; he wasn’t able to perform a full split until he was 50, which gives me some hope to regain some fo that youthful flexibility.
Plus, his spin crescent kick is a thing of beauty.
even if his beard is a bit goofy.
Caveat: I’ll admit if he gets into a spaghetti-pulling contest with coach Dave, all bets are off. Although he’ll kick Coach Dave’s ass. and Head.
I’d just like to point out that since Walmart cut and run in the War on Christmas, their sales have gone *down*…
> That was all right, but for true Chuck Norris wingnutty goodness,go here.
Yeah… It’s a sad, sad day when Pandagon punks S,N! in the quest for intertube wingnettery:
Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: “Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’ warm-up exercises.”
I’ve got a bulletin for you, folks. I am no superman. I realize that now, but I didn’t always. As six-time world karate champion and then a movie star, I put too much trust in who I was, what I could do and what I acquired. I forgot how much I needed others and especially God. Whether we are famous or not, we all need God. We also need other people.
If your whole life is spent trying to make money and you neglect the people important in your life, you will create an emptiness deep in your heart and soul. I know. I fell into that trap. I dedicated my whole life to fame and fortune. I had a huge hole in my heart and was miserable until I met my wife, Gena, who brought me back to the Lord.
Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: “There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.” It’s funny. It’s cute. But here’s what I really think about the theory of evolution: It’s not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.
By the way, without him, I don’t have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things – and so can you.
Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: “Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.”
There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.
If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris’ tears, it’s Jesus’ blood.
Again, I’m flattered and amazed by the way I’ve become a fascinating public figure for a whole new generation of young people around the world. But I am not the characters I play. And even the toughest characters I have played could never measure up to the real power in this universe.
There may be a balm in Gilead. But it’s Chuck Norris at WND that heals my sin sick soul.
Sooooo, it was God who decided that passenger pigeons should not be allowed to live?
There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.
Wait, Jesus can cure cancer? So is he just being a dick by letting people suffer?
Silly fiver. Don’t you know that He works in mysterious ways and ours is not to question and all things happen for a reason and it’s none of your business?
TC: I think it’s possible to admire the Greatness That Is Chuck (roundhouse-kicking a Burger King and turning it into a Dairy Queen, giving women orgasms simply by staring at them and saying “booya”) without accepting the Crazy That Is Chuck (buying into and whining about that “war on christmas” crap). It simply takes an effort of will, grasshopper.
Smiling Mort, you are indeed a Master.
I have much to learn.
How does that ‘booya’ thing work again? Cuz that would really be a big help out here in the real world.
If the WND column was a weekly rebuttal, point by point, of the various InterTubes Chuck Norris Facts in the vein of the Pandagon article, it would be very, very snarkable.
If, on the other hand, he devoted it to creating new, even more surreal Chuck Norris facts, he would be revealing himself as a master of satire.
It would be lovely to think so, TC, but I despair of Chuck’s likely rhetorical sophistication: he does, after all, claim that the cause of all disease is sin.
Meh, so he’s simple-minded. Doesn’t change the fact that he can slam a revolving door.
BTW and FYI, Chuck has a Code of Ethics.
It is notable that Cuck’s Code Of Ethics…
pertains very little to ethics per se.
It’s not bad for rules to live by, it’s certainly better than Chicken Soup for the Martial Artist, but ethics? Not so much. At best, it hints at the Golden Rule.
OK, gloves are off. even if Chuck can kick me right in my head, snark away.
he does, after all, claim that the cause of all disease is sin.
Well, look. Certainly not ALL disease. And I don’t want to wander too far down Too Much Information Avenue here, but let me say that if one were to include both direct and indirect causation and were further to use my life experience as a working example, then one might reasonably conclude that many things typically defined as “sin” can in fact lead to all manner of diseases and similar unpleasant conditions such as rashes and various crawlys.
Just Sayin…
mikey
That’s CHUCK’s code of ethics. Sheesh, it’s like I got caught up in the chicken noises slap fight on an adjacent thread…
And no, the Preview button wouldn’t have helped. Never use it: Often In Error, Never In Doubt is my motto.
Or my ethical Code, based on Chuck’s example.
ifthethunderdontgetya said,
November 28, 2006 at 19:08
Sooooo, it was God who decided that passenger pigeons should not be allowed to live?
Of course. And that mules and ligers should be allowed.
I’d like to kick the War on Christmas up a notch. We should all do our part to defeat Christmas once and for all.
Let’s put the Saturn back in Saturnalia!
Does anything in the world say “whiner” as loudly as Christians complaining that the greeter at Wal-Mart says “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Christmas?”
Get a life, guys.
Chuck is sooooooooo right. I’m hanging a big “FUCK CHRISTMAS” banner on my house.
I’d like to kick the War on Christmas up a notch BAM!
Who knew Emeril was part of the War on Christmas?
I’d like to kick the War on Christmas
With a roundhouse, natch.
There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease
I don’t trust those new-age cures. Leeches were good enough for my father, bless his exsanguinated corpse, and they’re good enough for me.
“Yes, this Chuck Norris..”
Is that Caveman Chuck or Jesus Chuck…I can’t tell.
[…] Since like his doll name counterpart, we’ll never be completely rid of Chucky, we might as well make the best of it. I know, I know, but complaining won’t change anything. To make it easier on all of us, I hypothosize that Chuck’s columns make for an excellent text-based drinking game. You have until the end of the thread to help me flesh out the rules. […]
TC: His beard is a bit goofy because that’s not a chin behind it–it’s another fist.
Oh, give the guy a break. He’s not too bright, but his heart seems to be in the right place. He gave his life over to fame and fortune, and that wasn’t satisfying. His relationship with his wife brought meaning back into his life. I don’t believe in the god stuff, but if it makes people happy and leads them to do good to others, who’s to complain? Now, if it leads them to start wars or commit genocide, that’s a different kettle of colored horses.