Two-Minute Townhall
I feel inclined to blow my mind, get hung up, feed the ducks with a bun.
Shorter Michael Medved: Our only hope is that voters can look at a devastated forest and still see some trees.
Shorter Rich Galen: Elections mean nothing; final control of Congress will be won by partisan and parliamentary gamesmanship and, if necessary, bribery.
Shorter Jonah Goldberg: Preemptive birth control and coercively culling the population are basically the same thing, in that each has been supported by progressives at one time or another – including now.
Shorter Mike S. Adams: I’ve been reading gun magazines in the can again.
Shorter Tony Blankley: Petulant conservatives who stay home from the polls to punish Republicans for not being perfect are stupid fucking peasants.
Shorter Paul Weyrich: Democrats have become so thoroughly steeped in far-left radicalism that they’d never even consider choosing as House Speaker an independent like my good friend, Ralph Hall, chairman of the Free Congress Foundation board of directors.
Shorter Maggie Gallagher: If Rick Santorum loses the election, Hillary will no doubt ram through her controversial proposal for mandatory gay marriage.
Shorter Ben Shapiro: Even if Democrats wrest control of Congress from the Republicans, they won’t win enough seats to be of any significance.
Shorter Walter Williams: When it comes to reppin’ for free trade, my man Pat Buchanan’s got a little slack in his mack.
Shorter Michelle Malkin: Bleeding-heart elitists like Angelina Jolie miss the point when it comes to seeing heart-rending images of human suffering. They should do what I do, and obsessively seek out convoluted ways to discredit the photographer.
Shorter William Rusher: Should we go to war against North Korea and Iran? I would say yes, but this is a matter for President Bush to decide.
Shorter Brent Bozell III: Media coverage of Harry Reid’s alleged ethical violations has been grossly underplayed, but coverage of Dennis Hastert’s has been just about right.
Shorter Terence Jeffrey: Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone kept producing children until they eventually got one who grew up to cure cancer or quarterback a winning Super Bowl team?
Shorter Paul Greenberg: Am I missing something? When did the phrase, “I take full responsibility,” come to mean not taking any real responsibility at all?
Shorter Linda Chavez: Racial preference in college admissions is reverse discrimination against whites and Asians, and does a disservice to the handful of blacks and Hispanics who qualify on their own merits.
Shorter John Stossel: Dude! Imagine how cheap your dog’s collar would be if there was no government!
Shorter Austin Bay: Based on current birth rates, Mark Steyn predicts a looming population showdown between Muslims and Republicans.
Shorter Jacob Sullum: As a libertarian, I support the efforts of the fine people of Nevada and Colorado to legally roll themselves a number now and again – and I don’t mean at the craps table.
Shorter Chuck Colson: As the leading world power, the United States is in a unique position to help curb religious persecution around the world. As Christians, we must vote Republican.
Man do I hate these people.
Honestly, I’d like to see a late night show called “Stossel and Joe”, where John Stossel and Joe Lieberman just sit around and complain about all the things that piss them off about the government.
Stossel: “You know what I don’t like? Public education.”
Lieberman: “Well, you know what I don’t like? People who don’t like John Bolton”
That’s what it would be for a whole hour.
Shorter Maggie Gallagher: If Rick Santorum loses the election, Hillary will no doubt ram through her controversial proposal for mandatory gay marriage.
I guess I can deal with it, but I want one that shaves please.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone kept producing children until they eventually got one who grew up to cure cancer or quarterback a winning Super Bowl team?
You just know this is some wingnut’s chat-up line.
Not that it wasn’t a fine show of shorter-ing, but did you break the rules with the Michelle Malkin one? I thought the point of shortering was to get it down to a one liner.
More Mike Adams: These magazines will be almost as rare as a feminist orgasm if the Democrats take over.
This is the dumbest simile I’ve encountered in months. And I’ve been listening to the Geto Boys.
I can’t help it. That Adams thing drew an excellent comment:
Democrats are nothing but Socialist, Commie Red Pirat scumbag Fascists. If they try to take the guns, there will be the first coup this country has ever witnessed…
The FIRST! Yuck yuck yuck…
Kudos. A most excellent TMT.
Why does this blog say it’s already October 19? I got no problem with that; I’m just aksin’.
Christ, Adams is full of shit. Listen to that pussy try and fake his way through a gun article. “focusing strictly on gun purchases designed to improve my versatility as a hunter” Nice try at butching it up, but I’m not buying it.
In addition,
1. The Springfield M!A wasn’t covered under the old assault weapons ban, so purchasing it isn’t pre-emptive at all you dumbass.
2. Real connoisseurs of 1911’s know the three inch barrel models like the 1911-A1 Micro are bastardizations of the original 5 inch design, and are to be shunned. In reality, “ultimate gun for those with concealed carry permits” are snubby revolvers or the smaller frame Glocks and HK’s.
3. Light rails are good for S.W.A.T., but a bad idea for home defense. Turns your gun into your flashlight. It means you can’t shine the light anywhere without also pointing your gun in that direction. An excellent way to accidentally shoot a member of your family or your dog.
What a wanker.
This blog is on GMT. Keeps Homeland Security guessing. Less said the better.
Didja ever wonder why Rich Galen writes in bulleted lists instead of using paragraphs like a normal person?
Didja ever wonder why Michelle Malkin is so much more offensive than anyone else, seemingly without even trying?
Didja notice how lately the wingers are so desperate they don’t know whether to write about canine haute couture (Stossel) or inadvertently tell something like the truth (Greenberg)?
Shorter Tony Blankley: Petulant conservatives who stay home from the polls to punish Republicans for not being perfect are stupid fucking peasants.
I know it is supposed to be shorter, but how do you leave out Blankley calling them “dog shit eaters”?
How the heck did Sullum come down on the side of legalization?
What is he, some kind of hippie?
Stossel is brain damaged. I couldn’t resist linking through, and all I ‘ve got to say is thanks for reading TH so I don’t have to.
If y’all missed Olbermann on the Death of Habeus Corpus, it was powerful, compelling and heartbreaking. I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know, but I’m more scared than I was before…
mikey
More Mike Adams: These magazines will be almost as rare as a feminist orgasm if the Democrats take over.
So, the Democrats will make sure there will be lots of these magazines, then…?
Apparently THIS week, the feminists are NOT having orgasms, whereas every other week, they’re “cheapening” “God’s gift of sex” with their “vibrators” and their “vaginas” (*shudder*).
Greetings from the Bizarro Planet. This is a little OT, but I just started reading the voter’s pamphlet that came in the mail the other day and with the exception of the lunatic Mike McGavick (who’s running against Sen. Maria Cantwell) the republican challengers in my neck of the woods are running as the guys who want us out of Iraq, as opposed to those nasty dems who let the clusterfuck happen (regardless of their votes). This is veddy interesting. I wonder how it will play . . . anybody else seeing similar tactics?
Geez, Smilin’ Mort’, it is tough to tell. Here in Colorado, the mailings I get from the Repubs mainly talk about the Democrats and how they want to force us all to marry illegal immigrants of the same sex. The Repubs don’t talk about themselves at all. I wonder why…?
“You know what’s so wrong about gay marrage? If there are two men, who has the vagina?”
Pfff, everyone one knows that female orgasms are fabled myths, Anne. Like the Minotaur, or the Aegis of Mars. (Zeus?)
“Reverse Discrimintaion” (and, by extention, “Reverse racism”) makes about as much sense as “reverse one-way street”. It’s one of those phrases where you can dismiss anyone who uses it, because they’re a fucking retarded idiot with no capacity for critical thinking or self-analysis.
http://digbysblog.blogspot.com/2006_10_01_digbysblog_archive.html#116113193023315068
Because god is dead.
Why does this blog say it’s already October 19? I got no problem with that; I’m just aksin’.
We’re headquartered in a country whose identity is highly classified, known by the code word, “Deutschland.”
On top of that, when you’re in your own home, the darkness is to your advantage, as you know the layout of your home and the intruder likely doesn’t. Do you really want to attach a device to your weapon that says, “Hey, burglar, I’m over here!”, especially if you’re not in a team of body-armored paramilitary commandos carrying MP5s?
If the Democrats win control of Congress, I think I might be able to read an entire edition of Townhall.
Democrats are nothing but Socialist, Commie scumbag Fascists
Those darn communist fascists! I hate them almost as much as I hate luddite technophiles or vegetarian carnivores!
Gswift, were you a SEAL or something?
(The aegis technically belonged to Zeus, but Athena carried it for him. Mars is in a completely different pantheon.
This has been a been a public service announcement from an otherwise useless liberal arts education.)
heh, I’m not mixing up my Greek and Roman again, am I?
Ben Shapiro is awfully preachy for somebody who thinks that the Dems can only take the Senate if they “sweep the Senate elections in Ohio” which is later explained by his inexplicable claim that state features both Brown vs. DeWine and Talent vs. McCaskill
Wow — Paul Greenberg making some sense there. Of course, that seems to be the lowest rated of all of the pieces.
There’s one sure thing that will happen if the Dems take one or both chambers of Congress. Sure, there are many potentially good things that can happen. And there are other things that have to be done which are technically unpleasant, but will help prevent certain bad situations from worsening (teh deficit, etc.). And there are still other things that by doing or not doing them, the Dems will gravely disappoint us all–they will fuck up, just in novel ways compared to teh Rethugs. All of that is both a given and an extremely nebulous prediction.
But, there’s one thing that you can bet money on, if the Dems get at least either the House or the Senate.
The Wingnutosphere will almost literally explode in a frenzy of hatred unseen since the height of the Clinton impeachment. They will go absolutely berserk! Their screeching will be so loud, if there were air in outer space, you’d be able to hear them on the freakin’ moon!
I can’t wait!
mort, have you noticed that none of the publican’ts yard signs mention their party affiliation? the only way you know mcgavick is an r is because he’s running against cantwell.
And how does mike adams think the canned hunts he attends are hunting? but he once, almost, kicked a guy’s ass for insulting his “wife”.
Yeah, merl. In fact, one gopper who’s running here actually painted over every little “GOP” on every yard sign — or, more likely, made his kids do it. I’m assuming he had the signs made before he figured out his party was a liability. Anyway, it’s pretty funny, since you can see the faint outline if you squint.
Mortician: In RI, it’s lots ‘o fun seeing Linc Chafee run ads about how he “stands up to Bush” and “voted against the Iraq war” and is “for the environment.” His ads are farther to the left of Democratic ones I’ve seen in previous years. Except for that little control-of-Congress thing, Linc is one GOPer I wouldn’t shed tears over seeing re-elected.
Sheldon Whitehouse isn’t really all that impressive or lefty, but he’s not bad either. His cool tag line is “Finally, a White House in Washington you can trust.”
Seeing the whole campaign become a Bush-bash-fest is quite satisfying, and a huge relief after seeing Linc tack waaaaay to the right* while battling Steve Laffey in the primary.
*By Linc standards, that is. But is was funny getting a mailer about how he’d be oh-so-tough on illegal immigration and border security… just look at that guy. Tough? Actually, look at Sheldon too…
Blankley:
“Moreover, every Democrat who beats a Republican in three weeks will have two years* to feather his or her nest, and use the powers of incumbency to defeat his 2008 Republican challenger.
Uhhh, Tony?
*italics mine
As a libertarian, I support the efforts of the fine people of Nevada and Colorado to legally roll themselves a number now and again – and I don’t mean at the craps table.
Yup, still agreeing with Sullum. Now, agreeing with Greenberg is a new sensation. One that I hope the medicated powder will fix.
How come we never see Doug Giles around this feature anymore?
He’s also vlogging these days at Clash TV…
Warning: he’s no Pammy Atlas but he’s got EXTREME VIDEO EDITING techniques. Whoa, dude.
Alternate shorter Mike S. Adams:
“Will Dr. Freud please pick up a white courtesy telephone?”
Oh, Krilly, that could be used for every column Dr Professor Vaginaphobe has ever written or will ever write.
Terence Jeffrey’s piece was the stupidest thing I’ve read all month. And I visit FSTDT.com frequently.