Oh hey, when Matt Barber was last relevant.

So it turns out exiting a giant tangle of part-time work actually takes a bit of time and a lot of work training my replacements. Not to mention the effort of finding a rhythm with my new job. Even worse, I’ve been happy. All of this has added up to the fact that I’ve fallen off my game and hard.

So I need something to get me back in the harvesting mood. Something ignorant as fuck, obviously. Something willingly deluded to any reality you or me might call home, duh. And of course, something hateful and blindingly reasserting of a narrow subset of white sexist douchebag supremacy, because yeah. But that’s something I can get at any nickel and dime conservative post on the internet.

If I truly want to get the old flame burning again, I need to find something special. Something…

Matt “I can’t stop looking at gay porn for… research, yeah research honest…” Barber, Scream ‘Murica:
’LGBT’: The ’T’ is for Tyranny

Boom! There it is.

So apparently even the dedicated dead-enders of the professional homophobe movement have begun seeing the writing on the walls and are getting mighty nervous about how many victories gay rights have had recently and how much fewer and fewer people there are every year who can be relied on to send him their life savings in exchange for ranting pronouncements of just how dirty and sinful those half-naked gay men are.

And as such, just like the leaves turn in fall, so must bigots turn to the latest flavor to further delay the day when they would have to get a real job. And luckily for them (and unluckily for those of us given the short straw in the genetic lottery) there is a convenient oppressed group close enough related to mostly rely on a quick find and replace on the standard newsletter. That of course being people with pronounced dimples…

Wait, I read that wrong. I meant to say trans* people, because of course it is. I mean, wingnuts have already been shifting that way since the writing first popped up on the walls and trans* people are entering into that stage of the rights struggle where they are visible enough to be a fundraising topic, while hated enough and politically unrepresented enough to be a reliable and safe group to publicly despise.

…yay…

ROLL THE SHORTER, DAN-O!

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Trannies! Will! Molest! Your! Daughter! So be absolutely terrified and keep me from the tyranny from a life where I can’t write off my exorbitant gay porn bill as “work-related expenses”!

Heh.

Okay, okay, I know this is marking the beginning of a period of even more escalating harassment and organized hatred against what few meager rights trans* people have managed to carve out of the still beating chest of society, but forgive me if I don’t also find it a little bit precious.

The professional homophobes are genuinely frightened for their livelihood and they’re starting to fail in places they never expected to, which must feel like a noose tightening around their neck every day.

And grudge-carrying bitch that I am, I can’t help but hope that it fills him with a small taste of the night terror that any of us walking the street wondering if this is the day someone is going to murder us for because of what fucks like him spread about us feel.

We begin as usual with a sober stating of an erudite hypothesis and calm reflection of the subject matter to be weighed in upon.

Tranny tyranny. Strike that. “LGBT” tyranny. Lesbian, gay, bisexual tyranny.

Excuse me, good sir, but I fear you may have gotten your rabies into my duck a l’orange.

And yeah, see what I meant about the fear of getting a real job sending these clowns (even more) spit-fleckingly insane?

That, generally speaking, is what’s on display in Houston right now.

Right now? Well, let me take a loo- OH MY WORD RUN FOR YOUR LIFE THE FABULOUS GAY SHOCKTROOPERS ARE COMING!

But trust me: Unlike Vegas, what happens in Houston will, most definitely, not stay in Houston – not if Democrats continue to have their way.

That is actually a rather nice summation of the whole right-wing ethos, isn’t it? The notion that never should the world progress from a state of affairs that is perfectly acceptable to those who benefit and if under great duress, if some small location manage to fall, it should be fought tooth and nail to be sure that it’s effects be limited and local, constrained to places quickly written off as “irredeemably” stained by the presence of the other.

Not only are those people getting basic human rights even though we really really hate them, but they are refusing to only go to designated places to have those rights so the rest of the country can go on pretending they don’t exist.

I know, shh shh, it realy isn’t fair.

Houstonians elected themselves, as mayor, an extremist lesbian Democrat (but I repeat myself). She quickly, and quite naturally, took to doing what extremist lesbian Democrats do.

… Dating other women…?

Annise Parker is her name, and spreading political Ebola is her game.

Ah, bioterrorism, the third great lesbian pasttime right after softball and having messy breakups.

That and trampling the U.S. Constitution.

Well to be fair to extremist lesbian bioterrorists everywhere, the U.S. Constituion is a bratty submissive.

As you’ve likely heard,

That the bird is the word?

Parker’s office has illegally subpoenaed the sermons and privileged communications of a number of Christian pastors who vocally opposed the city’s ironically branded “Equal Rights Ordinance” (aka, the Houston Bathroom Bill).

Now, not that I don’t trust the veracity of anything you say, seeing as how you’re a reflexive liar who works for an SPLC listed hate group, but well… google is kind of open already and well…

{tappity tappity tap}

So, hoo boy, how even to cover this massive bit of insanity? So, apparently Annise Parker, who was already despised by the right-wing bigots for daring to be a popular lesbian mayor in Houston, passed a city ordinance with a standard anti-discrimination bill for LGBT people, which lead to the now-standard “AIEEE, trannies gonna rape you in the bathroom with their prehensile tentacles” screech that that always elicits these days.

So, then, a bunch of Alliance Defense Force bigots decided to start a petition to put this measure on the ballot, but apparently sucked so hard that they utterly failed to do so, presenting an utter mess with very few signatures, a whole bunch of mostly empty boxes to deceive the true believers, and a bunch of the now-mandatory fraud that pretty much every hate campaign defaults to (suspiciously similar signatures, people with the same name or the names of random cartoon characters or cities).

Additionally, it was found out that the organization setting everything up was further breaking the law by petitioning for signatures on government property.

So yeah, when the people noting the petitions dared turn them down for being fradulent and lacking enough legitimate signatures, the same batch of lunatics decided to sue the mayor and the city for basically a giant conspiracy of collusion where their totally kickass awesome signatures were being thrown out by gay alien spiders.

So where does this “AIEEE, how dare you attack our sermons” BS come in? Well, apparently, this same group of lunatics is also the group that has been caught multiple times before “testing” the no endorsement rule on tax-exemption for churches rule in the past among other transgressions (including having a massive sexual harassment problem), leading the pro-bono lawyers working for the city to query into just how many laws these fuckers have broken on the matter of not endorsing candidates and whether or not pastors encouraged their followers to commit electoral fraud for the sake of the petition.

Which has now lead to a deafening siren-like wail by the idiots directly playing fast and loose with the law for years now pretending like gay government jackbooted thugs are literally kicking down their doors and stealing their precious sermons and Bibles from them.

Because, as always with any oppressive movement, having to experience consequences to your wrong-doing is the exact same as the worst oppression possible (you see this all the time with right-wing plutocrats trying to pretend having someone investigate your company for labor violations is the same as having the CEO personally be pumped full of molten metal while cackling union thugs glare and watch).

But yeah, hopefully now that I’ve gone through all the trouble of explaining this clusterfuck, it’ll be of great use in the following paragraph and- oh for fuck’s sake?

More on that later. First, let’s scoot north-leftward for context.

So… Oklahoma? Well, it sure does look like a crude ascii drawing of a penis, that is true.

Washington state, dateline 2012:

{movie trailer voice} In a world ravaged by queer zombie ebola…{/movie trailer voice}

Colleen is just like the girl next door.

{movie trailer voice}But little did anyone suspect that she was carrying a terrifying dose of the T-virus!!!{/movie trailer voice}

Oh, I’m sorry, is that not what we’re doing? Cause it really seemed like that was where that sentence was heading.

Well, sort of. Colleen has a penis.

{Xander Harris}NOTHING CAN DEFEAT THE PENIS!{/Xander}

So, I guess, unless the girl next door has a penis, Coleen really isn’t much like her at all.

Ouch, man. I know cispeople can be insensitive sometimes, but you don’t have to belittle them that much. Hey, ciswomen out there, it’s okay, you’re really awesome and aren’t lesser just because you aren’t carrying trans* ebola death rays.

Seriously man, not cool.

But that’s beside the point.

No.

I’m pretty sure “trans* women sometimes have penises” is going to be your one and only point.

I mean, I’m not saying you assholes are predictable but…

In Washington you must, under penalty of law, pretend, along with Colleen and Democrats that, in the face of both reality and sanity, Colleen really is like the girl next door.

You have to, ugh, due to the unholy machinations of eeeeeevil legislators treat trans* people like ordinary people instead of space monsters intent on killing your crew and turning them into egg sacs for Ripley to blow up in the third act. It is quite literally the WORST!

This includes letting Colleen, who is actually a 47-year-old dude named Clay Scott Francis, lay naked and “sprawled out in a sauna exposing himself” to girls as young as 6 years old. This really happened in the ladies locker room at Evergreen State College.

It’s only fair, you see, because, as Clay, er, “Colleen,” complained, and as police agreed, this sick bastard was “discriminated against” when he was asked to leave on behalf of a terrorized 17-year-old girl. “This is not 1959 Alabama,” cried Francis. “We don’t call police for drinking from the wrong water fountain.”

Mmm hmm.

Okay two responses here:

1) Do I even need to point out that it’s bullshit? I mean, it’s a professional homophobe talking point. At this point, one of these has less of a likelihood to be a complete fabrication than a story about someone seeing Elvis engaging in a threesome with Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.

And shock of shocks, it turns out once again that a breath-held story of how an evil trans* person was bursting into little girl’s locker rooms and waving their evil super-penises around was complete nonsense, based instead on a pair of seventeen year olds sneaking into an 18+ sauna they were not supposed to be in where a trans* woman was taking a soak with her friend and talking and freaking the fuck out over the notion that trans* person was there… in a room they were forbidden from… where they had to go to extensive effort to even know they were there… and where she had a towel on to begin with.

Fuck, as a non-story, it’s practically on the level of “AIEEEEE, that person is naked underneath their clothes!”

2) Ok, let’s assume as the grim-voiced narrator intones (In a world…) where the assorted forces of organized hate finally found a single case that wasn’t bullshit. Where some sick-ass trans* person really was a creepy ass sexually harassing fuck going out of their way to show their dongles to the little kids on the bus or in the bathroom.

Um… in that rarest of instances (which this most definitely is NOT), uh, congratulations on finding your first case of that. After what? How many years of searching for a single non-bullshit story of impropriety that wasn’t based on some bigot somewhere freaking the fuck out over the notion that somewhere a trans* person was peeing unmolested? How many cases of literally pouring over every non-story in the US and beyond specifically looking for this? And while how many cases of just people actively campaigning against the specific right of trans* people to shit in peace turning out to have molested women and others in restrooms or had a kid-touching problem?

I mean, yeah, I understand the frustration. I mean, there’s how many people in the world? Raw chance would suggest there would be some J Edgar Hoover style fuckface who was both a creepy shitheel and trans* that one could endlessly exploit without having to make up facts, but there’s got to be a point where any attempt to sell this broken line starts wearing a bit thin giving how hard you’ve had to work for your first case (which still hasn’t happened yet).

But then, what do I know? I work for a living so I wouldn’t know how hard it is to survive entirely on bullshit and repetition.

Get that, my African-American friends? According to this beneficiary of “white privilege,”

I kind of earnestly love the bizarre right-wing attempts to co-opt “social justice” terms while having literally no understanding for what they mean besides their bizarre strawman notions of what a liberal is like, because it makes for bizarre moments like this.

HA, liberals! I used your magic phrase! NOW YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT RACE FOREVER AND EVER AND NEED TO SHUT UP! NYAAAAAAAAH!!!

a man who, incidentally, identifies as a “transgender lesbian” (meaning he’s sexually attracted to females), to be told that you cannot sprawl naked and intentionally expose your manly bits to 6-year-old girls is no different from being relegated to a “colored only” water fountain.

I think my favorite bit is the little bit of “ooooooh spooky” fearmongering in the beginning. Ooooooh, the tranny is attracted to women, oooooh, being attracted to women means you want to have sex with children… wait, what? Um, did we just argue that only asexuals are not child molesters?

Yeah, I think you did!

Also, yeah, arguing that people can’t use the bathroom because of their identity is equatable to other movements where people weren’t allowed to use the restroom. Because struggles over the right to piss is a crucial part of most every rights struggle known to mind. Feminist struggles, worker’s rights, class struggles, racial struggles, and so on, the bathroom keeps coming up as a point where the oppressed have had to fight tooth and nail just to be able to piss in peace.

And the why of it is really obvious in hindsight. Peeing is a fundamental human body reaction, something that one can’t really do without doing at one point or another, as such, it makes a great point to control people on. The same way that a cult may severely curtail when one is allowed to eat. Or why racists made a giant deal over where black people were allowed to drink water or go to the bathroom. Because nothing is a better tool to control or mortify.

Which is pretty much why these fuckers are choosing this particular line in the sand even though they have nothing and are requiring everyone to forget how bathrooms work. Because making the idea of peeing something fraught for people makes something unavoidable into a source of fear, thus providing a constant reminder on just how fraught their public place in the world is. And how much they are viewed as alien interlopers who are unwanted, just for having the unmitigated gall to exist.

Mayor Annise Parker and the larger Democratic Party agree.

Oh, are we back here again? I’m sorry, I’m getting desperate money-raising scare story whiplash. What am I supposed to be scared of again?

Ian Tuttle reports for National Review:

No.

Just no.

This, of course, is typical Democrat corruption, as well as a gross violation of the First Amendment’s free exercise clause – one of the worst we’ve seen to date. It is, unequivocally, “LGBT” tyranny.

And it’s rooted in madness.

Through the secular-“progressive” looking-glass, the term “sexual orientation” has, in a few short years, evolved to accommodate an ever-expanding fruit basket of carnal appetites.

Carnal? You do realize that just means physical, right?

And the proximity to a fruit basket and appetite just makes me think of some voracious vegan pouncing on a bushel of apples after trying one of those fad “cleansing” purges.

First it was “LGB” – liberal shorthand for “lesbian, gay and bisexual.” Then was added a “T” for “transgender.” That’s gender identity disorder – cross-dressing. You know, perverts like Clay Francis. (Today it’s “LGBTOMGWTFBBQ” or some such.)

I’m reminded of so many right-wing freakouts in this.

From the bitter screeds about those damn dirty brown people everywhere to the angry Gamergate tantrums over queers and women playing a fucking hobby, pretty much every right-wing screed about the slippery slope can be summed up as this:

“Bob damn it, how dare you not just disappear because I don’t like you, I will now take every evolution and continued development of yours as a personal slight that I will never forgive!”

Cause that’s pretty much what it is. Queer rights used to be about just gay men and now encompasses a vast array of the queer experience and here’s angry little Matt, furiously masturbating in his bunker and resenting the years wasted away from acknowledging and loving himself as he is pissed off that the movement he has devoted years to hating with all of his hate hasn’t just gone away and reality hasn’t organized around him to protect his little bubble of fantasy about how the world really is.

I reiterate. These fuckers are angry that the world doesn’t literally revolve around them and cater to their every whim.

This is what those mumbo-jumbo liberal fags are on about when they speak of “entitlement”.

And it is wonderful to see that wave of reality carry them into the undertow as they are left sputtering and afraid by history’s long and painful arc.

---

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Disappearing for weeks at a time is perfected by me. Sorry folks, I should be finding a good balance shortly. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

---

But hey, I’ve been out of it for awhile, so let’s have a bonus shorter as well.

Milo Yiannopoulous (Head Grifter of Gamergate), The Stuff to Embarassing to Put on Breitbart:
Transgenderism is a psychiatric disorder: it’s sufferers need therapy not surgery

Cause oh yes, the self-appointed pope of Gamergate (which is STILL going on and escalating into Mark Lepine threats and routine bombing threats, because how dare women be interested in a narrative medium that douchebros have decided is their one sacred jewel that makes them men) is still trying to fuck what little bit of limelight he has before he fades back into the wearing a dead man’s shoes ether that spawned him.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Transwomen, and that would be the sum total of all trans* experiences anywhere because they’re the only ones insecure dipshits like me fixate on, shouldn’t get any form of gender-affirming surgery and instead should be forced to admit that they made everything up and are actually men, because Penis-in-vagina is the only form of sex in the world.

No, the argument doesn’t get much more coherent than that and is filled with great bits of faux-concerned bullshitery like:

These days, doctors can forge a reasonable approximation of the exterior of the vagina; the labia, and so on. But it is unlikely the patient will ever experience orgasm again. Often, the cosmetic vagina will be too shallow: full insertion of even an average-sized penis will not be possible.

But how have orgasm if vagina too shallow for dick? IZ IMPOSSIBLE!

Because apparently all sex is that sort of deep-dickin’ that porn movies and boast rap tracks glorify, which not to denigrate those who live for the feeling of being full, but that’s not actually the beginning and end of all sexual encounters or one of the more fulfilling methods two people can get each other off (turns out that shit be painful, yo).

Also, I might be literally one of the worst people to ask on this topic (worst being a sitting Republican Congressman), seeing as how I don’t really do the whole “orgasm” thing, but based on what I’ve seen in the dungeon, I’d say trans* people are just as capable of having across-the-room loud screaming orgasms as their cis counterparts. But you know, I’m sure I’m missing something that leads one to stare knowingly at a life so devoid of ethics that the decaying remains of Breitbart’s sad little gaslighting empire looks like a good career choice (suddenly his attraction to Gamergate (best dubbed Gamerghazi) makes all the sense).

Also, I absolutely love this turn of phrase (and not ironically “love” but genuine heart flutter, flirting over a cup of coffee type shit):

And that’s before we even start with hormone treatment, the details of which, for the sake of weaker-stomached readers, I will pass over.

I mean, you can see the exact moment where his brain short-circuited and realized that there was no real way to pull the same faux-concerned shtick with hormone’s ability to create real impactful natural change and thus decided to pull this bullshit copout.

But I think the best part of this ranting bit of love letter to how penis in vagina porn sex is the only possible way anyone could ever be fulfilled ever is the fact that ol’ Milo has been gushing overlong on how so very homosexual he is when trying to defend himself and the harassment campaign he has latched onto like a lamprey. Which makes him what? Number 5,000,000 on the list of self-hating gay guys selling themselves out for a gentle tug on the homophobe circuit?