Taking a Sick Day
Uncle Sam, we told you to wash your hands before eating those mangoes!
Janet Levy, American Wanker:
Beyond Bridgegate: Ignoring the Elephant in the Room
So yeah, you know that death plague that has been floating around… yeah, turns out that kids are great at transferring it to people… say, their teachers. So yeah, haven’t been a fun weekend to say the least for the Cerberus household.
So yeah, seeing as how I’m still at the phase where standing upright for prolonged periods of time is a hit-or-miss thing, writing one of my stamina-breaking epic pieces is probably not in the cards.
However, I’m happy to say that my new fever-induced delirium state puts me in the perfect condition to dive into the happy harbor of American Thinker’s broken-down madhouse and bring forth a few disease-ridden mangos while they still have no effect on my addled mind.
First up, is a nuanced take on Chris Christie’s recent revelation to be the exact small-minded “taking it out on his political enemies” asshole, we’ve always known him to be (I know! It’s so shocking!). What? He went out of his way to “punish” those he saw as not supporting him? Gosh, who could have seen that coming? What’s that NJ teacher’s union, you said you did? Ha ha, who listens to teachers these days?
Now, given that Christie is currently conservative Jesus and pretty much the only man with a hope or prayer for the Republicans in 2016 because he’s the only one who can occasionally sound halfway sane to the desperate bipartisan-seeking Beltway crowd, you might think this post will tend towards the hagiographic, trying to whitewash his sins as one more proof of the million-handed left-wing conspiracy (ha ha, as if we can spare any after ensuring that Saint Sarah can’t use her magic superpowers to make all non-conservatives disappear forever).
But you’re forgetting that he once accepted Obama’s help when his state was literally drowning instead of fucking himself over and crowing victory over the evil black man. And that means that he is SATAN TIMES A BILLION to the type of untreated psychotic that graces the front-page of American Thinker.
Legitimate Shorter this Time:
- Chris Christie is a terrorist-loving liberal in cahoots with the time-traveling Obama birth-certificate hiders because he hasn’t killed every towel-head who has a residence in his state. Death to the infidel! Er… wait…
But ah, one post is far too short, it feels, so on my return sojourn, I make a little sidetrip down a tributary for one last mad-dash to shore.
M. Catherine Evans, American Wanker:
Feminists Shoot Themselves in the Foot
Have I mentioned recently enough that I absolutely admire the conservative ability to always live lives based in the moral clarity, where even when mistakes are made, they always stand firmly behind their decisions and accept the consequences of their actions, no matter what they may be? Cause I really do. Also how they don’t try and erase whole embarrassing swaths of history just because it is inconvenient to their political ideologies. That really takes guts.
Totes Real Shorter Y’all:
- The Reagan and Bush years never happened. The complete economic collapse and widening gap between rich and poor happened entirely because uppity bitches wanted to work outside of the home and poor people decided they had a right to basic survival.
Inspiring.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. I actually nearly passed out recently, as in growing blackness around the eyes and growing silence in the ears. This current flu strain is a mother fucker. Stay safe out there. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*P.S. Occasionally some of you awesome fuckers send me things, maybe it’s an email, maybe it’s a card in the mail, or a little donation in my paypal with a little note on it. I don’t say it enough, but there has never been an occasion where that hasn’t brightened my day immensely and made me feel great. I just got a little New Year’s card this morning and it’s left me smiling all day. So thank you, you big old sentimental bastards and bitches. You melt this little doggie’s heart.
Frist….again!
Hope you feel better Cerb. Doesn’t sound like much fun.
Wow. It sounds horrible. That passing-out stuff sounds very dangerous. If I had a magic staff. I would raise it high and mutter arcane incantations to banish this Evil that has taken hold of you, for Evil it is! Maybe a trainload of kick-ass antibiotics would be more effective, though.
Rest easy, Cerb. Get well pronto quick! In the meantime, amuse yourself with all the goofiness in Sadlyburg your posts inspire. Now Imma gonna dive into the swamps. Both of them.
Here’s my take on Cerb’s shorter:
Janet Levy belched out one over-the-top screed!
I don’t suppose her last name has the slightest significance on her point-of-view, which makes AIPAC seem tame and reasonable by comparison. Levy seemed like sort of a low-rent Pammycakes.
But I didn’t want to prematurely jump to conclusions based on only ONE rant; I went to the list of wackadoodle articles she has belched in the past. Below is a list of ONLY her Ebil Muslim screeds, at least those that are obvious from the titles. (Note: Levy’s latest belch wouldn’t qualify on the basis of the title alone. The same is prolly true with many of the belches that didn’t make the list.)
Is Islam Truly Standing ‘Shoulder to Shoulder’ With Other Religions?
The Not-So-Veiled Threat to Non-Muslims in Tennessee
The Folly of the West’s Alliance with the Muslim Brotherhood
Über-Stealth Jihad in America
Not the Little Mosque on the Prairie
The Threat Doctrine that Cries ‘Blasphemy’
A Mosque Is Not Like a Church or a Synagogue
Under Allah with Sharia for All
60 Minutes Veils Education Jihad
Bowing to Islamic Supremacy
The Jihad against Bengali
Sharia’s Encroachment into American Courts
Europe, Globalization and the Coming Caliphate
The Jihad Against the Armenian, Assyrian, and Greek Christians
Is The Fate of the Infidels Tied to the Buddhas?
Anti-Semitism as Thick as a London Fog
Turkey and the Restoration of the Caliphate
De Facto Shariah Law in America
The ‘Hijra’ in Tibet
Islam: Antithetical to Religious Freedom
Eternal Islamic Enmity toward the Jews
The Hijra
Shadow World: Resurgent Russia, The Global New Left, and Radical Islam
Xinjiang Province – The Islamic Jihad Battlefront in China
The Other Jihad: Islam’s War on the Hindus
Islam: Not Just Another Religion
Later I may list the titles of her other gaseous expulsions, which provide a further picture of Janet Levy’s tiny-tiny-tiny headspace
Christie & Sharia
worst musical group evah…
A Mosque Is Not Like a Church or a Synagogue
And its companion pieces, “A Synagogue is Not Like a Church or a Mosque,” and … you get the picture. Oh wait, she means one is EVIL? Got it. The synagogue is a good place, like a church, except the jews inside are going to hell.
The synagogue is a good place, like a church, except the jews inside are going to hell.
“We’d be down on the Jews, too, but we need them for our eschatological fantasy.”
Did you know there is/was an actual TV show called Little Mosque on the Prairie? For reals. Canadian prairie, of course. I’ve seen the first season. Silly, predictable, kinda cute, in a sitcom way.
But you’re forgetting that [Christie] once accepted Obama’s help when his state was literally drowning instead of fucking himself over and crowing victory over the evil black man.
Smarter people than me have already predicted that once the wingnuts accept that Christie was only accepting post-Sandy assistance so he could siphon off his share of it and hand out the rest as patronage and cronyism, his reputation in their eyes will be restored.
Anti-Semitism as Thick as a London Fog
So, vague, insubstantial and harmless, like English attempts at coffee?
VCarlson, my kindly gray-haired mother has lately taken to watching Pivot’s AM showings of Little Mosque when the shit on the “news” shows gets too deep, rather than putting on her hip waders and returning to Morning
Dead Intern GuyJoe as she used.Feminists Shoot Themselves in the Foot
Wow, was that dumb. Correlation, causation, post hoc, propter hoc, wevs. Maybe every poor single woman should be fired and assigned a husband?
Maybe every poor single woman should be fired and assigned a husband?
neat! i hope i get assigned clive owen!
new one.
..
Crap, Cerb. Sorry for stomping on your sandbox.
…
Bonus Crap. Stomping on Fenwicks Forays through the mangroves…
…
Tip-toe, through the mangroves.
Fenwick – flu is a virus not a bacterium. Antibiotics have no effect on viruses and overuse has led to antibiotic resistant germs.
Get well soon Cerebus!
If you got what I had, congratulations on now feeling slightly less like a buffet of deep-fried ass!
Holy dangling participles, what a bloody plague.
The bug that burned me down hard enough that now my uni pantaloons nearly drop right off.
AWWW YISSSSSS