And You Thought That Newspapers Couldn’t Get Any Worse
He has a website whose only major line is ‘ This website details some of his most recent activities.’ It also has a link to something called ‘The Frank Report’ which is a SECOND website devoted to covering news about him that is written and maintained entirely by him. This one is festooned with his ‘cartoons’, which are apparently his proudest accomplishment before inheriting enough money to buy a newspaper. Said cartoons are cut and paste pictures of casino slot machines or fat people with absolutely no context, humor, or even target. Truly in America, one can only climb to the top by virtue of raw merit, talent, and working harder than anyone on the planet 200 times over!
Michael Calleri, Chicago Sun-Times:
Reactionary men who fear and hate strong women
Technically, but really:
Frank Parlato Jr, Email to Former Employee:
We Fears the Pussy, Precious!
Poor, poor newspapers. They’ve been gutted and stripped of their integrity in a desperate bid to make them fast money-making tools for deluded rich assholes. They’ve abandoned their charge to inform the American public and hold the powerful accountable. They’ve been repeatedly embarrassed by random assholes with blogs and even more random assholes on Twitter. And the more “reputable” rags have given life-long careers to some of the most transparent hacks that have ever lived.
More and more they find themselves dinosaurs stuck in the tar pits, waiting to sink beneath the black.
And they just can’t stop being embarrassed and humiliated in their dying days. Even when a newspaper gets founded by a journalist, making headlines with actual old school journalism, and the ovaries to go head-to-head with a corrupt government. It’s only a matter of time before it gets bought out by a psychotic trust-fund baby who begins to have a psychotic break when they think of red-haired Pixar heroines.
On that note:
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- If I clap my hands around my ears and sing real loud I can pretend that movies with female protagonists don’t really exist, and I can go back to believing that the world of 80s action movies was a faithful depiction of real life. P.S. You’re fired.
And yet… still less reflexively anti-woman than Fox News.
Michael; I know you are committed to writing your reviews, and put a lot of effort into them. it is important for you to have the right publisher. i may not be it.
For instance, you may have reservations working for a newspaper run by a man who thinks that capital letters and proper punctuation are a communist plot to steal his testicles.
i have a deep moral objection to publishing reviews of films that offend me.
…
Ok, yeah, before we dive into the nutty gender politics, I just want to stand back and admire where wingnut denial tactics have brought us.
Wingnuts have always had at best a… bitter divorce from reality, viewing it as part of the liberal plot to make them look stupid whenever they open their mouths. And it’s only gotten worse now that there are no more suburbs to run to to hide from the knowledge that gay people, women, and minorities really do exist and they are becoming more and more electorally irrelevant.
But even with that “context”, this is still an obscene amount of willful denial.
Note, he’s not saying, he’s got a moral objection to watching films that offend him or even financially supporting films that offend him. Hell, he’s not even saying, he’s against publishing positive reality-based reviews of movies on his shit list.
Nope, no reviews whatsoever, because if he doesn’t print a review in his paper, that will somehow make the bad movie go away. This is newborn logic. The same thinking that causes a baby to freak out when you play peekaboo, because they really think you just disappeared when you put your hands over your eyes.
If getting rid of bad movies really was that easy, we’d actually have a means of preventing any more Adam Sandler movies seeing the light of day.
Well, we know his mental starting point. So what movie has raised his ire? Was it A Serbian Film and it’s quite literal depiction of torture porn? Was it something with a morally repugnant moral like “little girls totally trick older men into raping them so they can watch them go to jail”? Or-
snow white and the huntsman is such a film.
Of course! Because… er… Kristen Stewart’s acting is being completely suffocated underneath the void that is Bella Swan… or… sexist fairy tale adaptations never seem to wash the regressive fully out… um… bland mediocrity is a sin that should be punished?
Sorry, you’re going to need to lead me down this rabbit hole.
when my boys were young i would never have allowed them to go to such a film for i believe it would injure their developing manhood.
Hey now! Kristen Stewart may be woefully, unforgivably, painfully under-performing as an actress. But it’s not bad enough to physically stop the process of puberty!
I mean, honestly, it’s not like she’s Jake Lloyd.
if i would not let my own sons see it, why would i want to publish anything about it?
Ah, shorter wingnut billionaires in a nutshell. If I wouldn’t support it, why should I let you filthy peons have the option of even considering it.
I’d inquire further, but I’m terrified I’d learn that he actually does believe that not publishing a review in his paper is the same thing as pulling it off the movie theater marquee and burning all the negatives.
snow white and the huntsman is trash. moral garbage. a lot of fuzzy feminist thinking and pandering to creepy hollywood mores produced by metrosexual imbeciles.
That’s just… adorable.
You really think that some weak sauce pseudo-modernization of a sexist classic is the height of evil feminist indoctrination. I know I should be offended, but I’m just too busy snickering myself to death imagining this poor bastard trying to sit through Itty Bitty Titty Committee or Persepolis.
I don’t want to publish reviews of films where women are alpha and men are beta.
where women are heroes and villains and men are just lesser versions or shadows of females.
Well I guess your policy won’t affect more than a handful of movies a year then… sad to say.
Or at least I would say that, but frankly, if you’re already eating your own underwear at the tiny fraction of modern movies that barely have a female protagonist (as long as she’s not some dykey feminist who believes she’s still something without a man), then I imagine there’s a long laundry list of super macho movies that have committed some grievous sin against your precious bodily fluids.
… I mean masculinity.
i believe in manliness.
I AM A MAN! (Punch)*
not even on the web would i want to attach my name to snow white and the huntsman except to deconstruct its moral rot and its appeal to unmanly perfidious creeps.
Gosh, how terrible it must be for you to not have a giant platform to deconstruct the rot of popular media and culture. Say, in some form of review or maybe an opinion section where you can publish your sweaty panicked rant on the subject of the coming gynocalypse.
I guess what I’m saying is, you were given the option to either be a bigot or a coward and you managed to choose both.
That’s… impressive.
i’m not sure what headhunter has to offer either but of what I read about it it sounds kind of creepy and morally repugnant.
Leaving aside the complete inanity of hating things you haven’t even bothered to see or the complete failure to get the title right on the film…
Headhunters is a little-known Norwegian film about a douchey manly man corporate dickhead and art thief who likes to collect women as trophies and is overall your standard crime thriller.
Apparently it offended our wilting flower’s delicate MAN-sensibilities because… it contains over 1 woman? Foreign commie cooties? A belief that all movies should be Kirk Cameron god-fests about men doing man things?
I’d elaborate, but Frank leaves this hanging here like a stubborn turd clinging to the ass hair of reality.
with all the publications in the world who glorify what i find offensive, it should not be hard for you to publish your reviews with any number of these.
And with a philosophy that states that anything that trips your malfunctioning trip wire of a moral temper tantrum should be carefully hidden away lest the proles become aware that there is such a thing as the internet or other newspapers, it should not be hard for you to quickly go bankrupt.
And no bet on whether, when that happens, you’ll go out with grace or blame the whole thing on feminist conspiracies against your “brave truth-telling” and “hard-news style”.
they seem to like critiques from an artistic standpoint without a word about the moral turpitude seeping into the consciousness of young people who go to watch such things as snow white and get indoctrinated to the hollywood agenda of glorifying degenerate power women and promoting as natural the weakling, hyena -like men, cum eunuchs.
Wow! So this is what it looks like when a Big Hollywood reader buys a newspaper.
the male as lesser in courage strength and power than the female.
it may be ok for some but it is not my kind of manliness.
No… Pretty sure that’s your kind of manliness. Not actual manliness or the state of actual men either in society or in the eyes of women, even feminist women, mind you.
But definitely,your kind of manliness. And it has little to do with your, er… manliness as it were.
If you care to write reviews where men act like good strong men and have a heroic inspiring influence on young people to build up their character (if there are such movies being made) i will be glad to publish these.
Dear, foolish reality-based liberal fiend. Please feed my desperate delusion about how the world works by rewriting works to better satisfy my insecurities about the waning power of male domination.
And do not try and sway me to your Obama-worshipping brainwash cult by noting that 99% of Hollywood movies still treat female characters as meaningless trophies or refrigerator incidents for male hero and male villain to clobber it out over.
That way leads towards actually acknowledging reality and the painful realization that no amount of desperate wishing it so will actually make women mindless sexbots who live for nothing other than to clean up your excretions and service you sexually.
i am not interested in supporting the reversing of traditional gender roles.
Yeah… on that note, has there yet been a male lead, even in the porn for girls genre, that has ever been half as useless and deliberately eye-candy as your average female love-interest?
In the example this dickhead throws out, the Huntsmen earns himself top billing despite being a side-character. Heck, even the Baby’s first BDSM porn crapfest that was Twilight still had its man-candy leads as the actual protagonists (seriously, I doubt you could come up with more than 5 times in the series where a major plot point hinges on something Bella does versus something the twin abusers do).
So let’s cut the BS. It’s not reversal of the gender roles you object to, it’s the loosening of them. Hell, it’s not even that, it’s the long belated realization by Hollywood that if they let women get sucked into the same film ghetto black audiences are stuck in, someone else is going to fucking eat their lunch by doing the bare fucking minimum.
But hey, by modern wingnut standards, that might as well mean that film women are having sapphic orgies upon the mutilated corpses of former action heroes.
i don’t want to associate the Niagara Falls Reporter with the trash of Hollywood and their ilk.
So, let me get this straight, any form of reporting, good, bad, or neutral, might as well be a loving spoon and plans for an engagement?
…
Does this single-handedly explain why newspapers have completely abandoned the notion that they are supposed to report on anything other than lovingly transcribed talking points?
it is my opinion that hollywood has robbed america of its manliness and made us a nation of eunuchs who lacking all manliness welcome in the coming police state.
It is also my opinion that the Soviet Union lives on and hides in my sock drawer, scratching out the expiration dates on my pickled onions and leaving coded messages on my dollar bills.
now i realize that you have a relationship with the studios etc. and i would have been glad to have discussed this in person with you to help you segue into another relationship with a publication but inasmuch as we spent 50 minutes on the phone from paris i did not want to take up more of your time.
Holy fuck. That must have been the most awkward hour long conversation EVER.
In short i don’t care to publish reviews of films that offend me.
In short, I want to become an internet meme and a perfect representation of everything wrong with print media at the moment.
if you care to condemn the filmmakers as the pandering weasels that they are…. true hyenas.
i would be interested in that….
Frank
Yeah, I’m sure you would be interested in that as would your 3 friends at the local John Birch Society meetup, but I’m not sure that would be a big hit with whatever remained of your readership.
“Snow White and the Huntsman is a film being shown in theatres, but enough about that, let’s talk about how the jews in Hollywood are teaming up with the Illuminati and the feminazis to steal Christmas.”
And the sad thing is that we’re only going to see more of this. Wingnuts have been given a hard choice of late, to finally grow up and accept that the world is bigger than their Klan meeting or to sink further and further into a complete fantasy world of their own creation.
And as we saw with Karl Rove on Election Night or the Smiler going into the final days or every single wingnut for the last 20 years at least, they’ve consistently chosen the latter. And as that has gotten more and more untenable, they’ve gotten more and more adamant, stamping their feet and pleading in the hopes that it will somehow make reality become as a dream and make all their delusions somehow real.
There is no aspect of reality so small, so meaningless to escape their pettiness and desperate denial. Not science, not polls, not even little mindless reviews filling up the pages before the local showtimes.
All must be destroyed and buried, lest the cognitive dissonance finally snap and deliver them, stillborn and unprepared in the world they’ve made for the rest of us.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Throwing away the article I was working on to steal from Manboobz is invented by me. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*Apologies to Linkara for shamelessly stealing his joke.
In other words “I’m terrified that my sons will turn gay”.
“Snow White and the Huntsman” makes Frank Parlato Jr feel “gay” or something, even tho he didn’t see it. “Feel funny” anyway. It must be the fault of the female movie reviewer!
Well, its possible an unseen movie can affect One. I had nightmares about the Titanic sinking long before I was forced to watch the silly movie. In fact, the movie was SO dumb, I don’t think it could cause nightmares in anyone.
So. There you have it.
I haven’t seen it yet, but my dad really liked Snow White and the Huntsman. And dad’s a pretty “manly” guy.
So his deep moral objection to publishing reviews of films that offend him is only so deep as actually watching and discussing them, he’s not at all offended by publishing reviews pretending to discuss them to use them as propaganda in his little crusade.
Major Kong: though it would seem likely that he would deeply desire that his sons not be gay, something makes me think that any level of blinkered truculence noticeably lower than his own would be acceptable level of ‘manliness’.
As for women, well I’d say that we have here an instance of Real Man to whom women have always seemed suspiciously effeminate.
I don’t want to publish reviews of films where women are alpha and men are beta.
where women are heroes and villains and men are just lesser versions or shadows of females.
I doan wanna live in no world where sometimes the wimmins show more courage than the mens.
Rosa Parks, Indira Ghandi, Golda Meir, hell, even Margaret Thatcher must’ve made his testicles completely retract into his body cavity.
That might almost be worth it.
This bit made me wonder if he’d heard about some female hyenas, who develop a larger clitoris and fat sacs (to mimic testicles) to show dominance. When I learned this in college, I was a bit depressed about the whole “you can only be dominant if you look male” message this seemed to have (it was the 70s, and many of the professors were only beginning to realize that women in the classrooms might change some things). I suspect Frank, if he heard this, would have an aneurism, especially if someone told him the dominant female hyenas would mount males.
From one of Parlato’s sites: I highlighted my favorite part:
Who is Frank Parlato Jr?
Some say he is a man of words that can paint a picture of the image that he wants you to see, some say he is a developer of many lands; some say he is an environmentalist who has preserved parks, and lands, an investor, a journalist, an ethnographer, a scholar. Some say he is a woods man, some a man who likes to wander into unchartered waters of the Everglades or search out the interparts of the soul to become interconnected to mind and body. Some say he is a man of music, not only a virtuoso pianist, but arranger whose manly breed of music is tight and strong. There is no efinmate weakness in the man. Restauranteur, night club owner, tour company owner, store and shop and building owner, moralist, writer, editor, he has plans of rebuilding morals to make a presence in today’s world. TV producer of shows that mock the concept of the weak, sex-addicted craven man, and praise the chaste, strong man – the man of courage. TV that portrays the man as strong, the head of a household, the leader, the alpha male, not subservient to women/wife/sex, but the leader. Controversial, courageous, intelligent, successful, idealistic, he is all these things and more. To answer the question above He is all things to all men.
Maria Johnston
Maria, I couldn’t agree more. I am great. FRP.
My question is: who is Maria Johnston? It’s him, right?
a stubborn turd clinging to the ass hair of reality
Deft, concise, memorable, and accurate Cerb! Imma gonna steal it
I have a new diary in case anyone’s
interestedbored.http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/11/24/1164355/-The-plane-just-lands-itself-right
some female hyenas, who develop a larger clitoris and fat sacs (to mimic testicles) to show dominance
It’s more (IIRC) that group dynamics in the hyena life-style revolve around insanely high levels of violence & aggression;* and the easiest way for Evolution to create aggressive hyena females was to select for increased testosterone. The scrotal sacs and enlarged clitoris (and the whole giving-birth-through-the-clitoris business) are side-effects of that.
* One more reason for the Republican Party to to change its totem animal to the Hyena.
Baby’s first BDSM porn crapfest that was Twilight
I thought that was 50 Shades of Gray? (which, admittedly, started life as Twilight fanfic)
Anyway, in another browser tab I have a livestream of foster kittens going.
Sometimes the man who fosters them comes in for visits (to check on the kitties, give ’em wet food, play with them and socialize them to humans).
From what I know, he’s a military vet and fond of motorcycles. He’s also willing to be on livestream kissing a kitten in front of thousands of strangers.
I daresay he’s forgotten more about manliness than Frank Parlato Jr. will ever know.
It is also my opinion that the Soviet Union lives on and hides in my sock drawer, scratching out the expiration dates on my pickled onions and leaving coded messages on my dollar bills.
Cerb is mos def on a roll today.
“In other words ‘I’m terrified that I’M GAY’”.
Also, cum eunuchs!
…as opposed to those …other… kinds… of eunuchs
Major, thanks for posting links to your diary, they’re always fascinating.
Nym-
When Twilight first became big, I was horrified that something so archaically sexist could become so popular with the younger crowd until I noticed that all the fans were tuning out all the regressive stuff and using it as a fantasy intro into either light bondage or D/S roleplay.
And looking deeper that seemed to be the major attraction for the people into it. Something to explore kink porn without being the sort of dirty woman who reads kink porn.
This theory then got fucking confirmed when someone tried to write fan-fic for it, it turned into 50 Shades of Gray and all the same people who loved Twilight immediately jumped on board.
In short, I fucking called it.
I thought that was 50 Shades of Gray? (which, admittedly, started life as Twilight fanfic)
My friend Lyta and I considered attempting to write a parody of 50 Shades of Gray, which neither of us has read. After perusing some online reviews which excerpted the book, we concluded you can’t parody something that has begun life as a parody. Well, to be honest, we pretty much concluded this as soon as we learned the name of the “heroine”: Anastasia Steel. A parody isn’t much of a parody if it’s better written than the original.
Someone on another forum I’m reading is posting excerpts from a parody cookbook called 50 Shades of Chicken. The prose is pretty ridiculous, but the recipes (they’re also trying those out) actually sound quite good.
While you are absolutely correct about Frank Parlato, you missed the boat on Headhunters. The main character is actually married to a woman far too tall and beautiful for him. His art theft is a means of augmenting his income to provide her with the lifestyle he believes she desires and that will keep her with him. It’s quite funny in a black, horrifying way.
That’s why my friends tween daughter liked this crap? Man, kids today.
Somebody please please pretty please tell this asswipe about BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. I promise I won’t ask for anything else for Chrismas if this happens
Thanks for the diary, Major.
Diary is way cool, Major.
Don’t stop.
What is with the recent … flood of cum eunuchs?
Great post MK. I’m ever so much more thankful for all the stuff I can so easily get my hands on thanks to you and others. It’s kind of crazy, really.
There is definitely a shortage of movies like this around, and I think our man Frank is just the guy to fill that void.
If the whole world stands against you sword in hand, would you still dare to do what you think is right?
Yes, I shall stand tall like a true man and dare to design incredibly amateurish websites!
(and the whole giving-birth-through-the-clitoris business)
Jesus, that must hurt like hell. No wonder hyenas have such bad attitudes.
Yes, I shall stand tall like a true man and dare to design incredibly amateurish websites!
Really. 1998 called and they want their web design back.
“Isn’t it man that makes money? Where did you ever hear of money making man?”
Douchebag Yoda has spoken.
…strange dude sits on box, wearing flares and white socks, surrounded by huge coin-like discs with smiley faces, clearly answering the age old questions “Isn’t in man that makes money? – where did you ever hear of money making man?”
Finally got the Daily Kos link to open. Now I know where everybody went. Fine piece.
Lois, I couldn’t agree more. I am great. Fenwick.
—————————————-
[1] ‘efinmate’ — a polite rendering of Fenwick’s triumphal ‘Fuckin’ Mate!’when he wins at chess. Sometime hyphenated: efin-mate Fenwick has a totally awsome pawn game.
[2] ‘not subservient to women / wife / sex’
— Obviously Mr. Manly Strong-Mann has never served in the military. You render a salute to, and obey, superior officers, regardless of gender. You got that Strong-Mann? You need a serious attitude adjustment, troop. (BTW, the very best officer Fenwick served under in Germany was Captain Joan R___.)
— If this dickwad actually has a spouse, I feel sorry for her.
— ‘not subservient to sex’ What does this mean? My guess is some sort of hairshirt asceticism. (Or perhaps ‘subservient’ means that Mr Manly Strong-Mann has never been cowboyed…?)
[3] ‘hopeless romantic’ As an adolescent and young man, Fenwick used the phrase with women, accompanied by a dazzling cavalier’s smile. Fenwick still describes himself as a hopeless romantic, but now the adjective is bittersweet; for it carries a double meaningthe meaning has changed to ‘romantic without hope.’
[4] ‘He’ Capitalization in original. Fenwick, however, does not claim to be God.
Fenwick FTW!
I daresay he’s forgotten more about manliness than Frank Parlato Jr. will ever know.
What is it about these perman00bs being obsessed with manliness? I know, I’ve got the nym and all, but I’ve always seen my persona as a send-up of macho culture. Anyway, most of the guys I know who are obsessed with gender roles are guys who pretty much fail the competency test.
One guy I know learned all he knows about male/female relationships from old “James Bond” movies and 50’s-60’s sitcom reruns. His dream woman is (RIP Larry Hagman) “Genie”. D00d can’t even use a microwave, lives at home, mom does his laundry, he thinks women should do the housework. Funny thing is, I don’t think he could change a tire, he’s never been athletic (get this, he thought he had great football tickets because his seat was in the end zone)… he generally fails the “man” test, yet he clings to the tired old stereotypes.
I know this is verging on tl,dr territory, but this story tells you everything you need to know about the guy. My brother Sweetums’ wife is from a working-class suburb of Tokyo. One night, this guy told my brother, “You really need to hook me up, your wife has got to know a nice, submissive Japanese girl she could introduce me to.” My brother damn near hit the ceiling- this knucklehead had a racist, sexist attitude that encompassed his wife. D00d was lucky he left without any broken bones.
Anyway, most of the guys I know who are obsessed with gender roles are guys who pretty much fail the competency test.
Have to convince themselves they’re superior to *something*, I guess.
Who is Fenwick?
Don’t know but he makes some good fly rods, I’ve got a couple.
Have to convince themselves they’re superior to *something*, I guess.
Yeah, easier to regress into fantasyland than to improve oneself.
Another thing, what’s with crap like “real men don’t eat vegetables” or “driving a small, fuel-efficient car is effeminate”? I swear, these guys totally fall for any marketing scam that targets them.
real men don’t eat vegetables
This is true. Do I look like a rabbit?
Good grief. The guy made Gen. Jack D. Ripper seem reasonable by comparison.
unspiek said,
Baron B., is that you? Love your multi-volume masterwork!
This is true. Do I look like a rabbit?
Never seen your incisors…
I really don’t get what this guy’s problem is. Is he upset that he has to sit through movies he doesn’t like? Does he not realize that that’s what a movie critic’s job is by definition?
I mean, I had to sit through the original Red Dawn when it came out. The original RED FUCKING DAWN!!!
Nope. I think he’s upset movies he doesn’t like even exist. Having to acknowledge their existence by having reviews about them in his very own personal paper is heaping coals of fire on his … head.
The Major’s diary is still on the rec list at DK. Go read it people!
Just for the record, Frank Parlato is not “a psychotic trust-fund baby” who bought a newspaper. He’s a criminal house-flipper and predatory lender who made millions fleecing the working poor in Buffalo with fraudulent flipping and rent-to-own scams. He’s “gone legit” in Niagara Falls, much to that beleaguered city’s shame. A Grade A Scumbag.
Teh film were going to kick ’em in the crotchetal area? Or they was gonna burn themselves humping the projector?
What the frell was this turnip talking about?
Nice stuff, Major. Explaining (a) physics and (b) expertise to a general audience is difficult writing and you glided that one right in.*
*SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
Oh, and great diary Major!
One question, in all seriousness, I really don’t know and I am not trying to be snarky.
Given the massive change in controls complexity (I assume, and please correct me if called for) between a Cessna and a 757, is there a series of transitions from small planes or trainers to 757s?
ie. T38 to Orion to AWACs to small cargo to multiengine jets (and if I’m blowing the hell out of what branch flies what, let me know).
Or do you start classroom in KC-135 trainers and proceed from there?
He’d probably love some Hitchock. A man and a woman are running for their lives. The woman’s jacket gets snagged on a tree branch. She screams in terror, because she’s a woman. Isn’t she pretty? The man turns around and gallantly frees the jacket for her, because he’s a man. Our hero. What pluck. What daring-fucking-do. He deserves to fuck every inch of her.
How would such a species survive?
Given the massive change in controls complexity (I assume, and please correct me if called for) between a Cessna and a 757, is there a series of transitions from small planes or trainers to 757s?
There are two pathways, military and civilian.
Civilian track:
1. Get private pilot license
2. Build enough hours to get your CFI (Certified Flight Instructor)
3. Work as instructor at local airport to build hours.
4. Pay $$$ to get multiengine and instrument ratings.
5. Hopefully move up to flying charter or even corporate.
6. Get hired by regional airline and fly CRJs or similar small jets.
7. Build flying time and maybe get hired by a major airline.
Military track:
1. Go through flight screening program. The Air Force used to use Cessnas for this but I’m not sure what they’re using today.
2. Go through initial pilot training. I trained in the T-37, today they’re using a T-6 turboprop.
3. In my day everyone flew the T-38 but today only fighter candidates fly the T-38. Everyone else flies a T-1 (similar to a corporate jet).
4. Go through 4-6 more months of training to fly your assigned aircraft.
The Air Force spends a lot of time training you in a new aircraft. After 4 years of instructing in T-38s, I showed up at Castle AFB in California to transition to the B-52.
The first month or so was purely classroom. Learning the aircraft’s systems, procedures etc.
Then you start training in a simple mockup of the cockpit. The switches work and the lights come on, but that’s about it. You practice your checklists and starting the engines and such.
Then you move to training in full-motion simulators. That’s almost, but not quite, like flying the real thing.
Finally we got maybe 10 flights in the actual aircraft. The first ride was just practicing takeoffs and landings. Then we had to start learning air refueling (really difficult) and low-level flying (really cool). Each flight was around 8 hours long.
Finally I had pass a check-ride in the aircraft. This whole process took almost six months. It was somewhat of a “gentleman’s course” with a fair amount of free time.
Then I transferred to my operation unit and had a few more flights with instructors from the local unit until I was considered to be “mission ready”.
Airline training is a whole different concept. Time is money. They want me trained and out there making money for the company as soon as possible.
When I switched from the A300 to the 757 I think the whole process took 4 weeks.
We had maybe 5 days of systems classes and then I had to pass a 3-hour exam where an instructor points to a picture of the cockpit and asks things like “Tell me what this switch does” or “What does it mean when this light comes on”.
Other than that it’s similar to the military except very compressed. Procedures training then simulator training. The only difference is you take your check-ride in the simulator.
Then you go out for “IOE” which is flying an actual trip with an instructor. At the end of that you’re signed off to fly the line.
So the first time I actually flew the 757 it was on a revenue flight with freight in the back.
I had a dream about hillbillies fucking knotholes. Not a trash dream, I swear! Who am I to give night-hicks advice on such matters? Granted, I’m a vocal proponent of using your hand … I can’t blame the other McCain, it’s been days since I thought of him.
I know, I’ll blame Frank Parlato Jr.! Some say he’s a “woods man.” Has plans of rebuilding morals; not subservient to women/wife/sex. Maybe he could take a stand! But that’s alot of trees …
Parlato is bizarre. Lauds himself as a writer and editor, but owns every outlet he’s ever published in. Can he really think that’s impressive?
I shoulda put “women/wife/sex” in quotes. These aren’t words I put slash marks between, ladies.
Thanks, Major!
i have a deep moral objection to publishing reviews of films that offend me.
……
not even on the web would i want to attach my name to snow white and the huntsman except to deconstruct its moral rot
Unless they’re bad reviews. Then I’m all in.
No, people, eggs are not dairy. Yes, they’re usually in the dairy aisle at the market but they are not dairy products. So WTF is everyone thanking Major Kong for the dairy?
Outstanding, Major! Your explanations and descriptions were clear and easy for non-pilots to understand. (‘imagine landing your house’).
Because the whole description was from the pilot’s POV, I was able to vicariously envision what landing such a large plane entails. I learned a lot by reading this. (Back in my government consultant, you are what we called a ‘smee’ or SME…Subject Matter Expert.)
You must have been superfinexcellent flight instructor for actual pilots. There was the two-seater jet trainer [designation?]. Then the KC-130. (You did refresher training, if I remember.) Others? Refresh my sieve-like memory, pleeze.
———————-
Suggestion: I would very enjoy reading a piece explaining Air Traffic Contol from a pilot’s perspective. As the ‘Landing’ piece clearly shows,Major, you are muydeft in handling description, clear explanation, fascinating detail, and personalizing the narrative by your presence in it.
Also, I’m curious about the similarites and/or differences between civilian ATC and military ATC during active operations. Given your decades of flying, I will wager you have some fascinating ATC stories, Major.
In the meantime, I’m anticipating your next piece. (I hope you explain how ILR actually function. My only understanding is along the line of ‘something magic happens inside the box’. Which is also pretty much my understanding of computers….)
—————————
Digression about air traffic controllers on 9 /11
Though a decade after the event, I want to praise the skill of the ATCs nationwide,who safely cleared ALL U.S airspace on 9 / 11 , domestic and international flights, sweeping everthing out of the sky. The sheer scale and complexity still amaze me. Nothing remotely similar had ever been done in US aviation history. There must have been some hyper-tense improvisation and quick decision-making throughout the system…and particularly in East Coast centers, given the air traffic density. If I remember rightly, ATC cleared the national airspace without losing a plane. ((Btw, were you in the air on 9 / 11, Major?))
Anyway, my point is this: The main focus of the nation has been on the heroism and selflessness in NYC, at the Pentagon, aboard the Pennsylvania airliner….and rightly so. And the country saw the spontaneous outpouring of extraordinary volunteers, especially those with special skills, experience, and expertise (Including NYC structural engineer N_B).
Air Traffic Controllers across the nation were not visible on 9 / 11, but they also were heroic on that day. Just sayin’ is all.
———————————-
Digression on the FAA as a rhetorical weapon
The FAA is a potent rhetorical weapon in face-to-face conversations libertarians and anti-Gubmint Tea Partier types. The FAA does much more than run the national Air Traffic Control system: The FAA also inspects aircraft assembly in the plants. Inspects aircraft maintainance. Has responsibility for uniform, nationwide runway marking, including including lighting and taxiway signage, Certifies that pilots are medically fit to fly.
Anway, you see how easily the Fenwickian FAA counter-attack traps libertarians and anti-Gubmint Tea Party types. Box them in by asking relentless questions about exactly HOW the Free Market and/or the 50 states are going to handle the FAA’s functions … as you pile them up, one-by-one.
Libertards and TP anti-Gubmit types have two basic paths:
(1) Their dogma forces them to twist into pretzel-like (increasingly absurd) explanations. (This is a lot of fun if there are other people present!) For complete troglydites, move on FEMA, FDA, and similar agencies. (Prolly avoid the EPA. because it’s likely you target is anti-science, indifferent to environmental concerns, and a climate-change denier.)
(2) They are forced to admit that the federal government fullfils irreplaceable economic and social functions that the Free Market and/or the states are utterly incapable
———————————-
Boy-o-boy, this comment really got out of hand. When it started, Ihad in mind a shortish, appreciative, and complimentary note for the Major. Lord knows, how it wandered into the FAA as a rhetorical weapon to confound libtards and Tea Partiers.
You must have been superfinexcellent flight instructor for actual pilots. There was the two-seater jet trainer [designation?]. Then the KC-130. (You did refresher training, if I remember.) Others? Refresh my sieve-like memory, pleeze.
I was selected after pilot training to remain and instruct in the T-38 advanced trainer. The students I instructed had already been flying the T-37 for six months so I was teaching mostly advanced topics like formation flying and navigation. Plus teaching them how to handle a Mach 1.3 aircraft.
I did instruct in the KC-135 (Boeing 707) in the National Guard. That was mostly refresher training for people who already knew how to fly the plane. There were certain maneuvers that could only practiced with an instructor on board.
The cool thing was going to KC-135 instructor school (Altus Oklahoma) as an Air National Guard Lt. Colonel. The active duty is much more rank conscious than the Guard. Everyone else in the class was an active-duty Captain. I out-ranked most of the instructors so nobody fucked with me. I pretty much got the royal treatment. It was kind of funny walking across the base and watching everyone snap-to and salute me.
I disagree strongly that this publisher clown is “a perfect representation of everything wrong with print media at the moment.” What it is a perfect representation of is what happens when a wingnut takes over a media outlet. The N.Y. Post is a case in point – a respectable, liberal paper until Murdoch got his grimy little hands on it.
Print media has its flaws and its problems, but this is no case study.
So WTF is everyone thanking Major Kong for the dairy?
Next round of chicken milk’s on me!
.
Major: Thanks for refreshing me about your stints as instructor / trainer. I forgetz lotsa stuff nowadays.
BTW, the final paragraph about rank-at-Altus is an excellent example of your skill in ‘personalizing’ your pieces with deft autobiographical brushstrokes.
U R a gud riter !
it is a perfect representation of … what happens when a wingnut takes over a media outlet. — Mike Francis
Well said. Also applause for the the subtle way your comment broadened the scope from ‘print media’ to any ‘media outlet’.
Thanks Fenwick. I actually took a fair number of writing classes in high school and college.
Hiya, Jeffraham! What sort of stuff do you do professionally during the winter months? Do you have much work outside?
Give Curley and Larry Elvis some extra affection for me. I’m thankful they are in your life. I totally rate for Curley.
JEEBUS FOOKING CHRIST ON A POGO STICK!
Just watched the Brazilian GP. I think I had about four heart attacks.
For you philistines, the World Driver Champion was settled today, at the last race of the season. And what an event filled race it was! Every couple laps it was “Vettel would win the WDC if the race ended now” then after another lap or three “Alonso would win the WDC if….” Wow. Too fucking exciting.
Dear Mr. Parlato;
Please do me the honor of reviewing my movie script, Thank you.
Fade in, (KEVIN JAMES) shows up in his security guard uniform at the Museum of Anthropological History. There’s a sign out front, “Transylvanian Cultural Exhibit to open tomorrow”. Hero walks in front door and into the administrative offices.
KJ: “Hi I’m here to report for work this evening.”
Beautiful Blonde woman turns around, its the curator Dr Ariadne Grbelthorn (ELIZABETH HASSELBECK) who says […wait, wait, wait, you’re right, curator is too responsible for a woman, and she would also be the supervisor of the hero.] She turns around and she’s the secretary to the curator, Miss Ariadne Grbelthorn and she says “Oh hi, you must be the substitute security guard. You’ve come very highly recommended and on short notice, so thank you. I’m Ariadne Grbelthorn.” The hero (KEVIN JAMES) says “My pleasure Miss Gree-behel-thornonplatt.”
She (love interest) (ELIZABETH HASSELBECK) says “Its pronounced Grbelthorn. Its origin is Macedonian from Olde Europe. You can call me Ariadne.”
Hero: “I used to have an aunt named Grbelthorn (pause) on my mother’s side (pause) by marriage (pause) three times removed, by more marriage. We aren’t really related, except inside the phone book, in the yellow pages, under aunts.” (ha ha ha)
[Now we need the curator to come in. He’s got to be taller, better looking and better dressed than the hero. He has to have a snooty education and he thinks he automatically deserves Ariadne.] Enter LAWRENCE ODONNELL.
End of part one.
Fenwick, I did ATC in the Farce, and the primary difference between civilian air traffic controllers and military controllers it that civilians do not direct friendly forces to enemy targets. Otherwise, radars, paints, and transponders all work pretty much the same. I was in a tactical control squadron during peace time, but it’s all the same from the scope dope’s point of view —- track and report to Command and Control which uses that information to give orders to pilots.
He’s got to be taller, better looking and better dressed than the hero. He has to have a snooty education and he thinks he automatically deserves Ariadne.
I’m sure thundra will be here shortly.
It shows, Major. Especially in the way you arrange, edit, and polish your pieces.
So Wiley, if you were an Air Weapons Controller I’m assuming you trained at Tyndall AFB? They used to keep a squadron of T-33s down there for you guys to practice with.
Also, thanks Mr. Mayor.
I was an Aerospace Control and Warning Systems Operator (scope dope). We trained in Biloxi, Mississippi. It may seem weird (and it did) that I went from an early warning system in nuclear forces watching the Western Hemisphere to a mobile tactical control squadron in Northern Germany that was supposed to tear down and set up a hundred miles behind “the front”, but it’s really the same thing— track and report to Command and Control. Whether C&C is NORAD or a row of officers and a Master Sergeant on a collapsible table in front of you, it’s essentially the same thing though the equipment, speed, and scales vary.
We didn’t train with live aircraft in tech school, it was totally unnecessary. We worked with live aircraft in the 606 TCS during exercises with our own pilots and also with NATO training pilots. Having been terribly aroused by an A-10 that “attacked” our radar site kept me up many nights (it’s a killing machine!!!).
They do make it all quite seductive, though, don’t they? The graduation party with the NATO pilots was seductive as well, but it didn’t grate against my conscience to be aroused by men, and every time I look at a man I do not get the feelings that I have every time I look at an A-10. oomph
I do not get the feelings that I have every time I look at an A-10
A-10s, F-4s and B-52s (of course) are not pretty.
They look mean, like they were built to kill things.
The A-10 is a fearsome aircraft, but it’s a good thing none of our guys have had to encounter the Sukhoi Su-25 “Frogfoot“. The same thing only much more so.
I have a deep moral objection to publishing reviews of films that offend me.
Milking the chicken.
“Yeah… on that note, has there yet been a male lead, even in the porn for girls genre, that has ever been half as useless and deliberately eye-candy as your average female love-interest?”
I nominate Matt LeBlanc, Tom Green, and Luke Wilson in Barrymore’s first “Charlie’s Angels.”
Very Rev, the camouflage on that jet is intriguing. Sky on the bottom, terra firma on the top. Hmm.
My love for the A-10 goes back to ’82. I have no idea what anyone is flying these days. Still, that A-10 was beautiful, Major, which is why it disturbed me so much. The awe works both ways, and the thought of what it might look like if I weren’t on its side is still haunting. Ambivalence. Gotta love it.
I nominate Matt LeBlanc, Tom Green, and Luke Wilson in Barrymore’s first “Charlie’s Angels.”
Don’t you suppose Tom Green got that gig because of Drew, not because of his negligible eye-candiness?
The A-10 is still around. The Air Force hates it*, but nothing else can do its job.
*Because we only like sleek pointy-nosed fighter jets that go mach 2 and shoot down other airplanes.
Just watched the Brazilian GP. I think I had about four heart attacks.
It was a hellova race, weren’t it? Alonzo punched ‘way above his weight all season long and while I respect Vettel I don’t like him so I was pulling for Zo all the way.
And sad to hear Varsha won’t be doing play-by-play anymore. I thought he was excellent.
Hiya, Jeffraham! What sort of stuff do you do professionally during the winter months?
Mostly test backflow assemblies, but there’s still occasional need to be out cleaning the lagoon every couple of months. We take turns with that, 2-3 people at a time, 45-60 minutes a go.
.
4 new posts contained in 1 spanking brand new post.
It’s a Thanksgiving stuffing miracle!
Milking the chicken.
If I don’t get somebody, I’ll go back to the farm.
Milk the cows and the chickens, I don’t give a golly gosh darn
“But hey, by modern wingnut standards, that might as well mean that film women are having sapphic orgies upon the mutilated corpses of former action heroes.”
I believe I do own that movie!
It’s on my film shelf right next to Vampyres.
Vampyres Trailer
“Just for the record, Frank Parlato is not ‘a psychotic trust-fund baby’ who bought a newspaper. He’s a criminal house-flipper and predatory lender who made millions fleecing the working poor in Buffalo with fraudulent flipping and rent-to-own scams. He’s ‘gone legit’ in Niagara Falls, much to that beleaguered city’s shame. A Grade A Scumbag.”
Hmm… this makes me think that that episode of The Sopranos where all the macho gangsters were afraid to perform cunnilingus on their wives and mistresses because they thought it was “effeminate” was not as ridiculous as I thought it was when I first saw it.
Oh, this looks promising:
Frank Parlato hates babies
River Tam, I’d like you to meet Frank Parlato Jr.
“But hey, by modern wingnut standards, that might as well mean that film women are having sapphic orgies upon the mutilated corpses of former action heroes.”
Oh dear, I thought you meant Les Vampyres! I was going to ask if there was a special director’s cut running around of which I was not aware…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTM_4X64x5w
Irma Vep forever!
You know if Irma Vep (aka Musidora aka Jeanne Roques) were really a vampire she’d still be around… hmm…
Movie idea!
At this moment I am going away to do my breakfast, when having my breakfast
coming again to read other news.
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