Chinese Women Shortage Solved By A Vigorous Swank
Not one to let the pressing issues of last century pass him by, Pastor Swank has turned his sights on China’s infamous One Child policy. Set aphasia-ers to stun!
China’s Abortion Dilemma
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.
Jan 19, 2011 – 12:05:25 AMIt’s the health of an entire nation.
China may run out of females. That means a culture with nothing but males. Now it won’t come to such an extreme; then again, it could.
Pastor Swank may run out of ways to butcher the language. But he probably won’t. Then again, he probably will. And he won’t. But he could. And he will. But he won’t. But he can.
That’s what happens when mortals play God. That’s what happens when mortals kill babies inside female bodies. That’s what happens when mortals take charge on the dark side of the devil.
Still, you have to admit that ‘Dark Side of the Devil’ was a classic, easily one of Mötley Flöyd’s best-ever albums. Almost as good as ‘Dr. Piper At The Gates Of Feelgood’ and certainly better than ‘A Momentary Lapse of Girls, Girls, Girls’.
Seriously, though, is Pastor Swank suggesting the devil has a ‘light side’? That would seem to run counter to his ordinarily Manichean view of such things. But maybe he’s just slyly hinting at material for the long-awaited successor to Dave Berg.
So China is faced with a real-life dilemma. Marriage hungry males can’t find the brides they were hoping for.
And as if that wasn’t bad enough, marriage thirsty males are going to have wait another six months before Starbucks unveils the new 916-milliliter Trenta bride au lait in select Chinese cities.
Their parents can’t find their prospective daughters-in-law because somewhere along the line, baby girls in mothers’ wombs were scalded or scraped or whatever out of the wombs.
The nice thing about the upcoming Trenta is that it’s actually larger than the size of the average womb, so the scalding contents will be difficult to scrape out or whatever.
The government demands one child per family. That means that if a mother becomes pregnant with a female, kill the female before she breathes. Can’t betray the government, after all. Better a male than a not-wanted female. So the female babies-in-wombs have heaped high in the garbage pile up. Sad.
It is sad. Point to the pastor, despite the grotesque and arguably not-quite-accurate image of disembodied female torsos ‘heaped high’ on Chinese garbage piles.
Therefore, the demons have certainly had their day, or it appears their night of sin nationwide. Evil pays with its own death salary check. Wickedness sanctioned by a politic eventually calls for accounts payable.
Maybe they do now. But I bet Evil and Wickedness wouldn’t have dared to call accounts payable if Herbert Kornfeld (R.I.P. playa!) were still alive — not for all the death salary checks in China.
China is now considering putting into law that baby girls aborted will bring criminal consequences to those performing the killings.
To be honest, the Pastor has been almost intelligible up to this point and his opinion on this matter is one with which we broadly agree, all things considered. So what we really need is some classic Swank, a paragraph so mangled, so tortuous, so poorly constructed and so flatly incomprehensible that it is the literary equivalent of Victor of Aveyron dictating the plans for the Kansas City Hyatt Regency hotel walkway while having his arms run through a roll bender operated by Charles Graner and Lynndie England.
There must come about an evening out of females and males or male-female marriages are not going to continue in the offing. And that quite soon.
Bingo.
There must come about an evening, says the Pastor Swankster.
The death salary checks ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO CASH, actually
There must come about an evening out of females and males or male-female marriages are not going to continue in the offing.
I think he means Mr. and Mrs. Smith are going to have to have some more evenings out or they’re not going to be able to continue offing people.
There must come about an evening, says the Pastor Swankster.
Says the Pastor Swankster.
Across a crowded China
And somehow you know
And you know even then
Male-female marriages aren’t in the offing.
And that quite soon.
This has something to do w/ Chinese Pres. Won Hung Low being here to negotiate w/ Obama for all the “white” women, right?
There must come about an evening out of females and males or male-female marriages are not going to continue in the offing. And that quite soon.
What exquisite madness.
Not to mention the death FICA that comes out of every death salary check to pay for more death. No more government run life panels!
That is so going to be my FB status
I am working very hard not to LOL (at work). Thank you.
I think we’ve finally identified Palin’s speech coach.
I don’t know what kind of mind-altering (at least syntax-altering) drugs the Swankster takes, but DAYUM they’re powerful.
I’m getting out of the boat. It’s SWANK! How can one resist?
The only journalistic “W” Pastor Swank hit is “where.” (China.) That may be good enough for the rubes in East Millinocket, but the swells in Millinocket proper will demand more.
I’m confoosed.
It is sad. Point to the pastor
Aye aye.
Am I to understand, then, that Pastor Swank will be directly rebuking evangelical
Popeguiding light Pat Robertson, who claimed that the Chinese are just “doing what they have to do”?It’s not that kind of Swank, DtotheK.
That’s what happens when mortals play God. That’s what happens when mortals kill babies inside female bodies.
Yes, killing babies inside female bodies is strictly the job of immortals.
Evil pays with its own death salary check.
Good always shortchanges the waitress.
Lawful Neutral pays, but leaves a skimpy tip.
Larry, have you ever heard of a place called China?
That’s what happens when mortals play God. That’s what happens when mortals kill babies inside female bodies.
YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS, LARRY!?! YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU KILL BABIES INSIDE FEMALE BODIES!?!
I finally figured Swank out! He writes his columns in Serbian, has them translated to Afrikaans, then to Cherokee, then via charades, to English. Somewhere under a chain of four or five incompetant translations is the finest theological mind Serbia has produced since…
um…
Saint Simeon the Myrrh-streaming?
If there were a babby inside my male body, I’d damn well kill it too!
Swank might run out of inane. It won’t come to that. But it could.
Therefore, the demons have certainly had their day, or it appears their night of sin nationwide. Evil pays with its own death salary check. Wickedness sanctioned by a politic eventually calls for accounts payable.
Put that on e-Bay, that is some vintage Swank.
I love how the only bad thing in Swanky’s mind is the abortion angle, not the entrenched misogyny that leads to women being seen as of little value.
I think Swank should abandon written language altogether and stick to interpretive dance.
77, M. and smedley deliver a triple whammy of funneh. Oh, I chuckled.
I love how the only bad thing in Swanky’s mind is the abortion angle, not the entrenched misogyny that leads to women being seen as of little value.
Not fair, brah. He’s even more concerned with the gay marriage angle.
It’s not that kind of Swank, DtotheK.
It’s Pastor Grant Swank. I love this guy.
The link is to, and you don’t have to click through to verify – Magic City News. Or rather the Magic City Morning Star, in some sort of Arabian Nights script. With the tagline
And the Swankster isn’t their only columnist! There’s a couple dozen of ’em!
Verily.
Tigris – I believe he does think women have some marginal value as ambulatory mechanisms for wombs.
I’m sure the Free Market! can come up with a solution to China’s woman shortage.
Better start keeping your wives and daughters away from the docks.
Oh sweet IPU! Please don’t tell me that it’s a Poe. Heck even if it is a Poe, it is still funneh is hell.
Spirituality in America–Only “Three Inches Deep” by (and I shit you not) Kyle Butt M.A.
My dearest Dragon-King, I am an intrepid explorer of wingnut sites! I have visited Pastor Swank’s den of inanity several times!
That means a culture with nothing but males.
So, China will turn into a nation of milbloggers, work for less, and put WND out of business?
Or will they spend all their time playing Halo 3?
Spirituality in America–Only “Three Inches Deep” by (and I shit you not) Kyle Butt M.A.
Mr. Butt, M.A. : totes not gay.
Real men play DDR!
And Angry Birds!
Fucking Ice Cubes, How Do They Work?
It won’t come to such an extreme; then again, it could.
The demons have certainly had their day, or it appears their night of sin
Wickedness sanctioned by a politic eventually calls for accounts payable.
Most of this is, of course, cribbed from fortune cookies.
Kyle Butt, MA – NOT A POE! [Link is a long .pdf]
Hu do you think you’re fooling?
~
Damnit WP stop oppressing me!
~
GREAT link, DKW;
THE blatant reason why the religious right has failed so hard in thirty years of existence.
People like the feeling of being “Christian.” They do not like the obligations that entails. In a liberal democracy, any ideology based on strengthening or officializing those obligations is a political nonstarter. They should’ve learned that with Prohibition.
Sadly, as they say, No!
“baby girls in mothers’ wombs were scalded or scraped or whatever out of the wombs.”
You’d think, as Defender of the Female Babbies, he would know how abortion works. “Scalded”? Ow.
I cannot stop giggling at “Kyle Butt.”
An incomprehensible hick
writes where GOD wants Peking dick:
a fecund young lass
and NOT a man-ass
OMG STOP ABORTION OR YOU’LL HAVE TO MARRY A DUDE
I do like the “dark side of the devil” bit. Think about your writing Past…never mind.
And of course Swankster didn’t even do the basic research into this. Punch line: there is no noticeable statistical disparity between men and women in China except in some limited rural areas (where the population is falling anyway).
But, but the one-child policy…
Yes it turns out, as in most centrally planned systems, officials fulfilled government targets by lying.
Sadly, as they say, No!
Discovery, not Discover. I think I read about it TIM Magazine. Or maybe it was U.S. Nows and World Repot.
Punch line: there is no noticeable statistical disparity between men and women in China except in some limited rural areas (where the population is falling anyway).
And, FWIW, where there have always been exemptions to the one child policy.
Discovery, not Discover.
Doh!
I still think the ice cube article rocked, though.
Ice cubes I get. It’s time cubes I dOnt understand.
baby girls in mothers’ wombs were scalded or scraped or whatever
From Brazilian baby-cue to twice cooked fetus, Sadly,No! is the bestest liberal foodie site on teh interducks!
From Brazilian baby-cue to twice cooked fetus, Sadly,No! is the bestest liberal foodie site on teh interducks!
Needs more Himalayan Sea Salt.
Spirituality in America–Only “Three Inches Deep”
I like how he conflates belief in some sort of deity with being a Christian and having some religion’s scripture with owning a Bible.
There must come about an evening out,comma, of females and males or male-female.period. And that quite soon.
Broth scalded wombs yield better tasting girl babies.
Spirituality in America–Only “Three Inches Deep”
Oh puhleez. Toooo easy.
Spirituality in America–Only “Three Inches Deep”
Of course, Spirituality’s penis is only two inches long, so this is sufficient. Generous, even.
Therefore the demons
have certainly had their day
O’er it appears their night
of sin nationwide.
Evil pays with its own death salary check.
Wickedness sanctioned by a politic
eventually calls for accounts payable.
The Rightious
Get up before dawn
and go shopping
Jesus Saves but will not
accept 50% off coupons on Life Womb Babies
even if the devil says it is a good bargain.
The wages of sin are not tax deductable.
Set aphasia-ers to stun!
Well I laughed.
Spirituality tried to do me once but got so excited it prematurely spooged on my hip.
Us and Them
(Swank) 7:40
Us, and them
And after all we can find the men.
Girls, in wombs.
God only knows they have to make some boyish room.
Girls disappear he yelled in my ear
and the boys survive.
They scrape and scald, babbies up against the wall
Evil’s darkest side.
Girls and dudes
And doc knows which is which and who is who.
Kill the girl.
But in the end lots of single men accrue .
What can you say, it’s the demon’s day
The pastor cried.
It’s a bet, the man with the curette
Will make room inside.
(swankish ramblings, with plenty of echo and maniacal laughter)
Boys are louts
It can’t be helped ’cause there’s a lot of them about.
Just. One kid.
And who’ll deny that Swank wants it to be undid.
Out of the way, it’s a busy day
I’ve got kids on my mind.
For the want of the girls way more boys out in the world
The Chinese’ll fry.
The death salary checks ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO CASH, actually
EBTs would solve this problem…
“Broth scalded wombs yield better tasting girl babies.”
I love rissotto too.
I cannot stop giggling at “Kyle Butt.”
a few years back when i was studying in england, we went to oxford…on a wall of one of the colleges, they had the names of esteemed students…i had my picture taken right next to HARRY BUTT…
The death salary checks ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO CASH, actually
EBTs would solve this problem…
Nah, looks too much like a credit card. Not enough death salary shame.
Hebrews 13:4 states: “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled;
Fortunately Hebrews 13:4 has not visited us here at Maison d’Etre.
I was surprised to learn that even Einstein & Hawking were baffled by the physics of ICE! But I didn’t read any further, I don’t like good mangos…
OT–Bachmann just stated that private insurance rates have gone up because of obamacare…where the fuck has she been?!?! oh, that’s right…on the government’s plan!
I am when Swank is pointed to at the bursting of happy admiration for reading him with pleasure! You thanks receive from me.
Spirituality in America–Only “Three Inches Deep”
She told me she wanted 9 inches and make it hurt. So I screwed her three times then socked her in the eye.
He’s even more concerned with the gay marriage angle.
That’s how I read it – Swank thinks the problem with discarding female babies is that it will lead to teh Ghey.
Then again, maybe he doesn’t say that. But he might, unless he didn’t, but he could.
There must come about an evening out of females and males or male-female marriages are not going to continue in the offing. And that quite soon.
Could God create so convoluted a sentence-like thing that when reading asplode even his mind would? Also, it?
I’ve already posed this before, but the solution seems obvious; we sell surplus white women to china to offset our trade deficit.
Lets see them outproduce us on those!
That is just an incredible tragedy.
I refer, of course, to the untimely demise of Herbert Kornfeld, playa.
I’ll certainly miss his amazing insights.
Is that even possible? Swank is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma soaked in hallucinogens.
New thread up!
I finally figured Swank out! He writes his columns in Serbian, has them translated to Afrikaans, then to Cherokee, then via charades, to English
I tried English->Simp. Chinese->English->Korean->English->Greek->French->Portuguese->English->Japanese->English on the old Babel Fish and got this:
That arriving more rises
although this woman of the place of day
of combination
which comes suddenly will be
firm the night, the person or the person
and because of the addition,
product which the woman seems that enters.
It can bewilder.
As for I, that AM
you fast securely
sufficiently.
I’ve already posed this before, but the solution seems obvious; we sell surplus white women to china to offset our trade deficit.
Total inside-the-box thinking. Since we have created surplus females elsewhere, we can ship them to China, which will allow us to finance more wars and/or tax cuts.
It is clearly what Jesus would want for us to do.
WIN.
How do you folks read this stuff day after day without giving yourselves home lobotomies. Christ that little bit mkes me want to gouge my eyes out.
evil pays with its own death salary check
Is evil hiring?
You win the Internets for the day for this:
Coffee >>>>>> Keyboard
Uuuhhhmmmm … (I was at Union Station with my dad the night that happened; at first, we thought there was a fire … and, in hindsight, wish it had been. Just … damn.)
All that being typed, if evil is handing out paychecks, about 15% – 20% of capable workers are most-likely interested in any newsletter or website it may have.
Linky on the skywalk collapse no worky.
Try this
And the obligatory “FYWP.”
Whoever wrote “Walter Sobchak” has caused tears of mirth to course down my leathery cheeks.
But here’s the thing about Swank: He has the impulse to write, but completely lacks the ability. It’s a rare combination of pure inner urge and complete and total ineptitude. He’s the Inspector Clouseau of moralists.
English wept.
Evil pays with its own death salary check … so remember: ALWAYS ASK FOR CASH.
The correct title of the Motley Floyd album is “Garanimals, Garanimals, Garanimals.”
My wife sometimes goes on an “evening out of females”. Well, as far as I know, anyway, since that’s what she tells me.