The Stones In The Fischer
Political Economy is the basis of all good government. The wisest men of all ages have brought to bear upon this subject the —
Bryan Fischer, RenewAmerica:
Thank you, Bill Clinton: cancers of head and neck spike due to oral sex
[Um…]1
According to a story in Reuters, the number HPV-induced head and neck cancers spread by oral sex is rising sharply, particularly in what is supposed to be the enlightened West. And it is particularly prominent among the young and employed.
What we’re getting out of this isn’t the shudder and ick that Fischer wants,2 because greatly already have we shuddered and icked this day, and let’s be clear in any case: If the Reuters story in question were to begin, “Despite an overall slight decline in head and neck cancers in recent years” then we would have crossed at that green light and would be walking on the laughier side of the street.
What we have gotten from it is a hypothesis that thinkers on sexuality such as Fischer and Kathryn Lopez achieve such a high rate of double-entendres — or even one-and-a-half-entendres, such as when comments on the K-Lo-commissioned ‘Getting Serious About Pornography‘ piece kept “coming into [her] inbox” — because they reason associatively rather than according to the method long assumed: flailingly in a bucket-headed and roller-skated fashion, orienting prevailingly stairsward. That assumption hasn’t explained how they get so often onto the highway, or are so often spotted transiting I-beams at high-rise construction sites.
Proposed: Once Fischer decides to reënrobe the sexual in columnar opprobrium, or in other words write one of those moth-to-candle sex columns of his, he will never in such case fail to type meaningless yet strongly allusive combinations of words such as “oral sex is rising sharply,” perceiving correctly that the words go together in some way, yet being senseless of their effect, i.e. that of razzing out at people with a Sousaphone of browed seriousness from the head of a circus parade, i.e. mirth. To a thing also hypothetical to Fischer, i.e. wit:
President Bill Clinton, in his sordid affair with Monica Lewinsky, convinced an entire generation that oral sex wasn’t really sex. Now the bill has come due, as…
Never mind the silly argument, although it’s worth mentioning that the crackpottery rises to a daredevil height as the column goes on. Note the phrase, “now the bill has come due,” and notice what would happen with just a quick shave on the hinder end:
President Bill Clinton, in his sordid affair with Monica Lewinsky, convinced an entire generation that oral sex wasn’t really sex. Now the bill has come, as…
Indeed, apropos Lewinsky, ‘bill’ has finally ‘come,’ and we are Xenophanes in the Parian quarry. “Yeah, no, that’s just it,” we think, being all ‘yeah, no’ like Xenophanes was. “How did that petrified anchovy ever get embedded in that stone?”
Once again the age-old wisdom of the Judeo-Christian tradition is vindicated: sex is for marriage, period.
Yeah, no, that’s just it, Mr. Fischer.
1 At this moment, this seems to me like the funniest gag ever conceived, although experience has shown me not to ruin it by explai oh fine.
2 Fischer is the Director of Issue Analysis for Government and Public Policy at Don Wildmon’s lobbying juggernaut (whatever that word actually means), the American Family Association.
Tim Wildmon, Donald’s son, took over the organization at least nominally in March, and seems likely to preside over a time of changing expectations comparable to Don Irvine’s flopsizing, since 2004, of Reed Irvine’s Accuracy in Media empire.
These people are severely damaged in the head.
I don’t think that Bill Clinton can really take credit for making oral sex popular, gettin’ BJs was already pretty cool before some dipshit farmer from Arkansas got noshed off by a fat girl.
WOW! Bill Clinton + Naughty Sexy Time + DEATH = Don’t do the nasty til you’re married.
Talk about your surprise endings.
Which means he’ll have to be cautious when wooing the kids who work the counter at McD’s.
“…gettin’ BJs was already pretty cool before some dipshit farmer from Arkansas got noshed off by a fat girl.”
I’m guessing Mr. Fischer is completely unfamiliar with receiving OR giving oral sex.
“. . . the funniest gag ever . . . ” I see what you did there.
I appreciate the work Gavin’s doing here critquing Fischer’s writing style, but I still can’t stop minding the “curx” of his silly argument that teenage sexual activities are based on the semantics of a very specious argument made over 10 years ago. When all current teenagers were between 5-8 years old.
It’s like kryptonite to logic.
Bill Clinton musta got a lot more BJ’s than we got to spread his cancer all over everywhere. No wonder he had heart problems and his hair got all gray.
Now the bill has come due
Come again?
meant “than we got news of”, but both are probably true.
Sounds like someone should have a look at the illustrations on the walls of the brothels at Pompeii and Herculaneum if he thinks oral sex is anything new.
Affleck was the bomb in Daredevil, yo.
Ashporn!
Through sexual license, we are slowly destroying our ability to reproduce and killing off our young.
So what’s the downside? And where do I apply for one a them sex licenses?
And we all know what happened at Pompeii!
[Scene: Pompeii home moments before Mt Vesuvius’s eruption]
Man:”C’mon just do it alrea… oh man that is a lot of lava!!” W
Woman:”We shoulda waited til marriage!”
[Scene: Pompeii home moments after Mt Vesuvius’s eruption]
Ooh, baby, that was amazing! I felt the Earth move!
When did Bill and Monica die of cancer? Sucks.
Oral sex was even in cave art
I wonder what Fischer’s stance on the cervical cancer vaccine for teenage girls is? He’s obviously very deeply concerned about the safety of our youth, after all.
To quote the great philosopher George Michael, “Sex is natural, sex is good. Not everybody does it, not everybody should.”
AS A WARNING!
Just corrected the super-sloppy draft that first went up… Yeeks.
Oh Bill, is there anything you can’t do? (Besides pass health care reform I mean.) Eight years of economic growth. No major wars (though several minor ones). All while surviving GOP attack dogs 1.0. Now you introduced the whole country to oral sex and HPV. Truly a man among men.
Well? There have to be some punishments for being female. Otherwise, they’d start thinkin’ they was equal, and shit.
AS A WARNING!
As is Fischer’s article: Repress all of your inner thoughts, unless you can a) get away with it or b) make money off of it or c) can get away with it.
Any of you O-bots here about how Obama has just neutered our nuclear deterrent by narrowing down the conditions under which we will use nukes? Now we won’t even use them against a state that has conducted a deadly cyber, biological, or chemical attack against America or our allies such as Israel. The Russians and Chinese are laughing at our weakness as we speak.
What makes this epidemic even worse is that HPV is transmitted by skin-to-skin contact, not through the exchange of bodily fluids, so there is virtually no way to protect against it. That is, other than being sexually abstinent before marriage and faithful after.
If only there were something that could cover the male member, preventing skin-to-skin contact. It would need to be elastic, and with a handy receptacle at the end to catch ejaculate. Alas, there isn’t, so tough shit, sluts.
AS A WARNING!
Might explain why all the carvings look tumorous.
OMG, it’s the return of the Evil Clenis!
WOLVERINEZZZZ!
FreedomNuclearWinterLover24Fikz for accuracy’s sake.
If we don’t threaten to nuke any country if some terrorist group manages to stick some depleted uranium on a stick of dynamite, then Congo will invade us.
Esteev, stating that we would be less likely to use nuclear weapons makes other nations MORE likely to use them on us. He’s also stopping (over the military’s objections I might add) the development of our next-generation nukes.
Man. Wanting to leave comments at The Corner and Renew America is very frustrating. I have all this energy to point out bad evidence and the base-rate fallacy and also flailing, convulsive stupidity. But I cannot connect, I cannot deliver, I am alass reduced to the satisfactory but somehow unsatisfactory compromise of posting here, settling for half a loaf and a glass half full. But I do love you.
ice9
The cool thing about being an Obot is immunity from HPV. The sad thing is our resale value is plummeting thanks to this iPad business.
ARRRGGHH! DO NOT click on the URL embedded in FreedomLover24’s name! The horror! THE HORROR! You’ll bear witness to the most horrid creature I have ever seen, which appears to be a gigantic penis with huge Mr. Potatohead facial features glued to it!
I…I…I need a valium. And a Scotch & water. And extensive therapy.
If we don’t threaten to use nuclear weapons at the least provocations, nations like China will totally forget that we will have several thousand warheads so they’ll launch their couple of ICBM’s at us, because surely they would expect no consequences, especially now that the President is an Indonesian Kenyan Muslim.
At least now we know what happened to Beavis & Butthead. They became repig bloggers.
“Heh heh heh. He said COME. Heh heh heh”
Obama has just neutered our nuclear deterrent
Well, thank goodness no other countries will get head cancer from us shoving our deterrent down their throats anymore.
NuclearWinterLover24, that doesn’t change the fact that we can nuke the world 100s of times over. How many times would make you feel safer? Thousands of times? A million? Should we be Galactic Annihilation Capable? What will make you happy?
Go back to fucking Matt Yglesias’s blog dom lover
OT… but what the WHAT???
Questions for Mickey Kaus
I nominate teh stoopid wingnots for “Greatest Moments in Clueless Douchebaggery” for 2010. I know it’s early in the year, but
has got to be a strong contender for both the “Stoopidest Non-sequitur” AND the “Cluelessest” categories, not to mention the top award. Grab these squares in your office pool NOW, before they’re gone.
Parsing that bold assertion, one wonders whether the writer is suggesting that sex should only be used to extort a contractual agreement of marriage, or that oral sex outside of marriage causes cancer.
(The presumptive implication is that the writer is not married and, following his own proscription, doesn’t have the foggiest idea of what he’s blowing wind out of his pie hole about. Or, he might still be in PTSD over having health care shoved down his throat. Even stranger, he believes that Monica blowing Bill somehow convinced a generation that it wasn’t sex, when all a generation of Republicans screamed was that it WAS sex, and he ought to be removed from his office for HAVING sex. Clinton’s impeachment defense via Dale Bumpers was that he WAS having sex, so who convinced this putative generation of head-giving cancer sufferers that whipping some skull or munching the hairy taco wasn’t sex? Perhaps he ought to check his sources.)
He might have added “But married people shouldn’t have sex during her period, period.”
El Cid, the Chinese and Russians are emboldened when America acts weak and when the President goes around on apology tours, as they did with Carter in the late ’70s.
It wasn’t a coincidence that the Soviets invaded Afghanistan when Jimmah Carter was President.
How do we even begin to criticize the wisdom of a yag whose tagline is:
“Obama can into office with a lot of potential that he is just not living up too.”
God, the brilliance of the mind who wrote that just terrifies me to death.
ARRRGGHH! DO NOT click on the URL embedded in FreedomLover24’s name!
Speaking of Freedom, iPads, and sex-during-menses, I wonder what FreedomLover24 uses during her “time of the month”?
Shorter: BILL CLINTON RAMS CANCER DOWN OUR THROATS!
And that really worked out well for the Soviets, didn’t it?
This is the kind of douche who would complain to the police that his wife hit him in the fist with her eye.
It didn’t work out well for them thanks to Ronald Reagan.
NuclearWinterLover24,
the Chinese and Russians have more important things to worry about than nuking the world for no friggin’ reason.
I cannot believe I am engaged in any sort of debate with you. Must be the glue kicking in.
In fact all the provocative actions the Soviets and their Communist allies took, they did under Democrat Preisdents (Korea, China, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Afghanistan).
It didn’t work out well for them thanks to Ronald Reagan.
Not raygun’s fault. It was the fault of falling grain prices during Carter’s years, ruining the last area that the Soviets had a surplus in foreign-trade, and then the ensuing economic collapse.
However, you are free to credit raygun with selling missile to Iran, selling F-14 spare parts to Iran, for arming the contras and raping/killing of lots of nuns, and for funding Al-Queda to the tune of billions.
Those are all things repigs are always proud of, so revel in it.
It’s the Truth.
Kaus:
Republicans aren’t complaining about unions, illegal immigrants and welfare?
Apparently a 2008 study looked at National Cancer Institute data from 1973-2004 and found HPV-related throat cancer rates in men increased steadily over the whole period, while rates in women decreased.
Yes it was. That was the point at which it became clear that Taraki was a psycho that had no idea what the fuck he was doing and that he wasn’t going to be able to hold on to the country.
4 out of 5 hillbilly doctors* agree: head cancer is a particular risk if one is simultaneously partaking of both oral sex and SKOAL.
Also, swallowing.
(*the fifth doctor is Granny Clampett.)
This was also true with the Nazis, Italian Fascists, and Japanese Empire. And we know how well that turned out for them.
Also it was and Nixon who signed the SALT treaty.
Interestingly, Merriam Webster defined “Sexual Relations” bluntly and succinctly as “coitus” back in the day when Clinton’s dick roamed the Earth. They have since added a second sense, probably as a result of the obsession over the doings of the Dick in Chief, as follows:
1 : heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis : coitus
2 : intercourse (as anal or oral intercourse) that does not involve penetration of the vagina by the penis
In fact all the provocative actions the Soviets and their Communist allies took, they did under Democrat Preisdents (Korea, China, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Afghanistan).
Right, along the same logic, most economic depressions happened under Republican Presidents. We should never vote for one again.
You stupid libs and your book-learnin’, your history, and your facts. What a load of crap! All of us Real Americans know that Rush and Glenn are the only guys telling us what we want to hear!
You have to have the most puerile understanding of cold war history to believe that there was a causal link between communist expansionism and democratic appeasement.
…and found HPV-related throat cancer rates in men increased steadily over the whole period, while rates in women decreased.
Conclusion: gay marriage is a sin.
I assume Mr. “True Church” also abstains from all unclean foods like pork and seafood, refuses to wear clothing made from more than one fabric, forgives all debts every seven years and calls the community together to stone his children to death whenever they are disobedient, since anything less would be “cherry-picking” the Laws clearly laid out in Teh Bible.
2 : intercourse (as anal or oral intercourse) that does not involve penetration of the vagina by the penis
Does ear-, eye-, or skull-fucking count? How about between the breasts or the toes? What is the judgement on the bellybutton (for the average small-dicked repig, that is some fine loving)? So many questions! Can one of the repig sex authority-bloggers write a column to help us all out???
You have to have the most puerile penile understanding of cold war wart history to believe that there was a causal link between communist expansionism and democratic appeasement Clinton’s penis.
Fixed.
Mickey Kaus is teh gay!
Cancer is Bill Clinton’s fault. Bookmark it!
Hey, my html tag got blowed up!
Curses!
What is the judgement on the bellybutton?
Not guilty by reason of insy-anity.
(unless it’s an outsy)
What about handjobs? I need this info like, um, really fast, btw.
The Russians and Chinese are laughing at our weakness as we speak.
Please don’t
throw us into that briar patchsell Treasury bonds Mr Chinaman! Considering our interest rates, we now have leverage over the Chinese. More zombie talking points.And I thought all the free love was in the 60s and 70s. What was Nancy Reagan’s Hollywood nickname?
So rather than point the finger squarely where it belongs, at the repressed American culture that has teens so fucked up (pun intended) that sex is dirty and that has seen AIDS/HIV remain a form of social leprosy and to promote sex educa, instead of accepting that teens will be teens and sex will happen, these jackasses would prefer instead to blame….um, Bill Clinton?
Cuz, you know, HPV is ONLY transmittable orally…
Gr. Fucking fast fingers…there’s supposed to be a bit about the use of condoms in there…
What was Nancy Reagan’s Hollywood nickname?
The great google rushes to a phone booth, rips off his business clothes, and ……
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=pns&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&q=Nancy+Reagan+Hollywood+nickname+blowjob&btnG=Search&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=
Answer: “Queen of the Holly wood Blow Job”
What about handjobs?
Only if you’re doing it to yourself.
Apparently a 2008 study looked at National Cancer Institute data from 1973-2004 and found HPV-related throat cancer rates in men increased steadily over the whole period, while rates in women decreased.
Sooooo…is he arguing for gay marriage, here?
Sumbitch. Missed this: Conclusion: gay marriage is a sin.
I suck.
(But I’d like to establish that I don’t have throat HPV.)
No wonder Sinatra was always visiting the White House in the 1980s.
So, does this mean we should be giving the HPV vaccine to boy children as well?
Oh, yeah. That stuff is for sinners only. One shot, and it’s off to Hell.
Ah, so they’re angry about health care being shoved down their throats because it will give them throat cancer.
NOW I understand the rage of the teabaggers.
(Did anybody tell them that teabagging will give them cancer as well?)
MEDIC!!!!!
I need several gallons of brain bleach over here!
So let me get this
straight—um, I mean, let me see if I have this correct:It’s not the GOP’s fault for spending $40 million on an idiotic witch hunt that led to the Lewinsky revelation.
It’s not the GOPs fault for preaching about family values while participating in wetsuit-with-dildo action.
It’s not the GOP’s fault for pushing for abstinence-only education full of so many lies that kids believe urban legends more than their teachers (e.g., drinking a cap full of bleach will prevent AIDS).
It’s all Clinton’s fault for daring to get a blowjob from an unattractive intern.
The dumb is strong with this one …
I! W? N?
So let me get this straight—um, I mean, let me see if I have this correct:
It’s also not the GOP’s fault for systematically blocking any efforts to provide universal, affordable health care so that, at the very least, people can receive treatment for HPV if it shows up.
And, of course, it’s not the GOP’s fault for being fascist godbags who oppose a comprehensive effort to vaccinate people against HPV.
the Chinese and Russians are emboldened
Actually, they’re italicized.
Also, BALLS.
Mark,
I believe it was closer to $80 mil. Seventy-something, anyway.
Fuck ME! Who knew swallows even had balls?
It’s all Clinton’s fault for daring to get a blowjob from an unattractive intern.
Oh, I don’t know that she was unattractive. How many beers we talking about?
Oral sex – so easy even a caveman can do it.
So, does this mean we should be giving the HPV vaccine to boy children as well?
actually yes. and strangely enough, there has been not a lot of scandal about it. Almost as if conservative morality is really masking misogyny.
I really wish we could pay some guy to follow around David Vitter wearing a diaper in the month before the election. A guy who admitted to committing a felony (statute of limitations expired) and is running for re-election as a “family values” US Senator.
So, his claim is that kids are giving each other oral sex because Bill Clinton said it was OK?
Hmmm, Clinton was elected in 1992. That means…not to get all TMI, but…well, a gentleman simply doesn’t…I mean, the lady’s family could…shall we say I have it on good authority that his claim is simply not compatible with notions of a unidirectional flow of time.
The rise in anal fissures due to Saddlebacking Is, however, entirely the fault of the GØP. One presumes.
I’d take their handwringing about HPV-caused cancers more seriously if they didn’t fight the plan to distribute the HPV vaccine.
oral sex causes cancer! won’t somebody please think of the walruses!?!!?
I’d take their handwringing about HPV-caused cancers more seriously if they didn’t fight the plan to distribute the HPV vaccine.
Are you kidding? They reconcile that easily enough: if we hadn’t had a President who wanted to rape everything in sight, we wouldn’t need an HPV vaccine, so why can’t we stuff the genie back into the bottle and go back to a simpler time when kids were kids and no one ever got sick or pregnant from sex?
oral sex causes cancer! won’t somebody please think of the walruses!?!!?
For.
The.
Win.
Small fixing…
Small fixing…
That would be acceptable, except that would mean no more child molesting, which the Republicans would raise a stink about.
Journal of Marine Biology and Politics — Volume I (Fall 2010): Thar He Blows: The Correlation Between U.S. Presidential Scandals and Self-Fellating Sea Mammals
This is a true story, although it happened a long time ago, and I heard it from someone who heard about it, and even though that person wasn’t there for the event, the person is highly credible. Anyway, there once was a big-city cop whose predilection for requesting blow jobs from prostitutes in exchange for not arresting them got him into trouble when, surprise, one of the prostitutes had the nerve (bless her) to register a complaint.
The cop’s defense at the disciplinary hearing (in addition to the obvious defense of OMG, she’s a hooker) was that he would never do such a thing because he was a good cop, and what’s more, he didn’t even like getting blow jobs.
Merriment broke out, and laughter was heard in the hearing room, down the halls, and onto the streets. It was deemed the Least Credible Defense in recent memory.
So the idea of the relative attractiveness of the bj-provider being a significant deal-breaker, even during a severe beer shortage, makes me laugh.
I’m told that most boys are able, at some point in their youth, to actually blow themselves. I can’t imagine a person retaining that much flexibility for long. But pretend men could. Maybe, like all of a sudden. Can you imagine being someone’s executive assistant, and all day long you’d be saying stuff like, “Mr. Fischer, please get your dick out of your mouth and pick up a call on line two. I think the caller is Mr. Kaus, but it sounds like he’s talking with his mouth full.”
This would be when we’d unleash the revolution.
Speaking of walruses, has anybody clicked over to freedomlover24s YouTube link?
Dude, some friendly advice:
See a dentist. Seriously.
They have something called Rogaine®.
Move out of your mom’s basement.
Take diction lessons.
and, for ghod’s sake,
Stop jerking off to Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin videos!
(Or maybe not. At least you’re growing hair SOMEwhere.)
Ladies and Germs, I give you the Wingnut Blogger Poster Boy for 2010. Makes Ed Morrissey, Jim Hoft, Confederate Wankee and Don Surber look like Cosmopolitan centerfolds.
Froley is now the reason that the little prig in the next office asked “what’s so funny?” I gave her one of my supply of LOL cats I’ve printed out for such situations…
So the idea of the relative attractiveness of the bj-provider being a significant deal-breaker, even during a severe beer shortage, makes me laugh.
I dunno. I seen some of the women they arrest on Cops…
Oh, noez! Heaven forfend!
Speaking of nym links, can anyone explain why “Anna Nicole Sith” links (her)self to the FBI website?
I’d respond to FreedomFucker here, but I already posted a long screed about it here, and hate duplicating my efforts.
conservative morality
Come again?
WP I hope you get throat cancer from the fucking you deserve
In fact all the provocative actions the Soviets and their Communist allies took, they did under Democrat Preisdents (Korea, China, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Afghanistan).
Because Republicans are appeasers.
Speaking of walruses, has anybody clicked over to freedomlover24s YouTube link?
Hard to believe the little shit is 38. Really, he posts about thirty years younger.
“I dunno. I seen some of the women they arrest on Cops…”
Hee. “You are under arrest for attempting inflict oral sex while being ugly and scabrous….”
I should watch Cops more.
So the idea of the relative attractiveness of the bj-provider being a significant deal-breaker, even during a severe beer shortage, makes me laugh.
I know someone who may be a bit of an authority on this and according to him, “No girl looks ugly with your dick in her mouth.” But then I’m reminded of the joke about the guy getting a blowjob from Ann Coulter and the guy on the high wire that are thinkining the same thing – Don’t look down!
“You are under arrest for attempting inflict oral sex while being ugly and scabrous….”
“…and for bad fashion sense…sweetheart, tube tops went out with scrunchies and leggings”
It didn’t work out well for them thanks to Ronald Reagan’s support of the mujahedeen.
And of course we’re all grateful for that!
Because I didn’t want GOP.com to get all the hits, silly.
I wonder if hatfucking assclowns like Fischer realize just how much of the raw ugliness of their mentality is on display in their columns? Ex.:
“We can’t vaccinate against HPV! If we did that, teens wouldn’t be scared shitless of catching a potentially-fatal disease anymore and then they’d be humping each other like a lust-crazed bonobo troupe. Oh, right, I was pretending to care about their health… um… yeah, and there are nebulous future health risks that are totally worse than the known risks I already cited of catching HPV and then dying of cancer.”
Shut up about scrunchies.
But anyway, I think we can agree that blow jobs, affection, pleasure, elegance, availability, likely reciprocity, and cosmic significance are Venn diagram-able, but only remotely.
Shut up. I know what I mean.
It’s not about the logic. It’s about the hate.
In this case, the hate of them teenagers having something that Fischer hasn’t had yet and probably never will: sex.
Well, not counting his hat of course.
This despite a paucity of information about possible side effects and long-term risks of the drug.
A paucity of information has not stopped a wingnut from doing or asserting anything. Witness column linked in post above.
Of course it wasn’t a coincidence that the Soviets invaded during Carter’s Presidency — Carter’s foreign policy was to push the Soviets to invade so as to ignite a war by Islamic fundamentalists against the secular government.
This is almost as stupid as saying it was just a ‘coincidence’ that Soviet nukes were placed in Cuba after years of Soviet complaints about the Jupiter missiles aimed at the USSR from Turkey.
But it was good for all that we managed to get a secular, stable Afghan government overthrown by a coalition of radicalized Islamic fundamentalist narco-trafficking warlord slaughterers, because that has ever since worked out well for everyone, particularly our 2 World Trade Centers.
After all, who could have anticipated that hiring, training, arming, funding, and diplomatically protecting vast armies of fundamentalist terrorists, narco-traffickers, and gun-running feudal warlords would carry any blowback with it?
And Sodom and Gomorrah also!!!1
Sorry everyone, I don’t care if a volcano buries us all under ash. I’m gonna keep
suckin dickgetting my dick sucked until we all die.My neck hurts…
Oops. Brzezinski interview link.
I don’t get it. Jesus said everything would be cool…
They enjoy the suffering of others. They are the epitome of evil. If only there was an organized political force who was aware of this and could protect America from them.
Dare ye risk the God-sent Plague of Blowjobs?
Oh, I don’t know that she was unattractive. How many beers we talking about?
Compared to Linda Tripp’s John Goodman impression, she was pretty hot, really.
Later I saw Monica on some reality show (Bachelor?), and she didn’t look too bad.
Also, Linda Tripp debunks the idea that no face is ugly with your dick jammed into it.
Dare ye risk the God-sent Plague of Blowjobs?
Bring it on!
Oooh, how did I miss the fact that my boyfriend’s back??!
. The Russians and Chinese are laughing at our weakness as we speak.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!! Those silly Americans can only annihilate all of humanity 500 times over now! FOOLS!
Dare ye risk the God-sent Plague of Blowjobs?
Aye, I dare, good man. You’d best grab a few yourself before the world ends.
Oh, how did I miss that my boyfriend was back?
. The Russians and Chinese are laughing at our weakness as we speak.
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!! The Americans can only annihilate humanity 500 times over now!!!!!! WEAKLINGS!
Pompeii–HAHAHA. See what happens when people have sex? You end up vaporized and dug up hundreds of years later, and then a total dumbfuck will diagnose the cause of your death as sex.
Are the wingnuts getting loonier by the hour? I swear they are.
Also, Linda Tripp debunks the idea that no face is ugly with your dick jammed into it.
Okay, I know that this is a comedy website and all, but I would be lying if I said this didn’t squick me out a little, dude.
Re: freedomlover24:
Now we won’t even use them against a state that has conducted a deadly cyber
That word, it does not mean what you think it means.
From his YooChoob channel:
Obama can into office with a lot of potential that he is just not living up too.
Is our manchildren dumbth?
Okay, I know that this is a comedy website and all, but I would be lying if I said this didn’t squick me out a little, dude.
Sorry, I’ll tone it down a little.
That is undoubtedly why the Bible is strangely silent on the critical theological question of “spit or swallow”?
Sorry, I’ll tone it down a little.
As a dick-sucking American, I appreciate that.
Of course it wasn’t a coincidence that the Soviets invaded during Carter’s Presidency — Carter’s foreign policy was to push the Soviets to invade so as to ignite a war by Islamic fundamentalists against the secular government.
You’ll notice that FreedomFucker also ignores listing Chinese influence in Vietnam (1954), the Soviet invasion of Hungary (1956), or Cuba’s turn to Communism (1959) in his ranting about Democrats being weak on Communism…all of these occured under Eisenhower.
Okay, I know that this is a comedy website and all, but I would be lying if I said this didn’t squick me out a little, dude.
Allow me to finish it.
A double-header with K-Lo and Tripp.
Oh, actor… Facts are such nasty, prickly things. Don’t confuse him.
As a dick-sucking American, I appreciate that.
As an American with a dick I certainly appreciate that!
That is undoubtedly why the Bible is strangely silent on the critical theological question of “spit or swallow”?
Excuse me?
“Jesus saves”, hullo????
Uh, do people think my earlier comment about Pompeii and Herculaneum was in support of people like Fischer? If so, let me clarify that I meant quite the opposite.
That is undoubtedly why the Bible is strangely silent on the critical theological question of “spit or swallow”?
Excuse me?
“Jesus saves”, hullo????
Actually, Revelation covers it:
Dare ye risk the God-sent Plague of Blowjobs?
I’m waiting for Plague of Blowjobs High-Def for my ipad.
Uh oh. The FDIC’s gettin’ shrill:
But! But! But! You’ll make them go Galt and withdraw their amazing productivity from our freemahket! (H/T GOS.)
Now we won’t even use them against a state that has conducted a deadly cyber…
right, Because even if you kill them, our enemies aren’t really dead unless you nuke them.
I’m waiting for Plague of Blowjobs High-Def for my
ipadWii.Fixed for VPR
It doesn’t matter if it’s Linda Tripp or John Goodman, most of y’all are gonna close your eyes, and if you could do it yourselves, you’d never leave your room.
So if we’re going to talk about who’s pretty enough and who ain’t, I think we ought to provide paper bags with mouth holes as a kindness to working folk who can’t afford to turn down homely dick.
Also, in a totally unrelated subject, I swear to God, there is fun to be had over at Go Fug Yourself because March Madness is over, the brackets are broke, and we haz a winner.
if you could do it yourselves, you’d never leave your room.
That’s a LIE!
I enjoy public sex.
A double-header with K-Lo and Tripp.
It really wasn’t the grossness of Linda Tripp giving head that bugged me, but thanks for that image anyway.
Hah, actor, you win.
Uh, I think the operant term is “hot seed.”
The Revelation quote clearly applies to fellating corpses.
That is undoubtedly why the Bible is strangely silent on the critical theological question of “spit or swallow”?
Semen is milchig, schwanz is fleishig.
Also, in a totally unrelated subject, I swear to God, there is fun to be had over at Go Fug Yourself because March Madness is over, the brackets are broke, and we haz a winner.
Rhiannon and Amber beat Bai Ling??? Wow.
This clearly implies that blowing camels is contemptable, but not necessarily forbidden.
Uh, do people think my earlier comment about Pompeii and Herculaneum was in support of people like Fischer?
No, people have just been running with your ball. So to speak.
use them against a state that has conducted a deadly cyber, biological, or chemical attack against America
I agree. What state was Tim McVeigh from, anyway? Nuke those fuckers.
And what’s this about nukes in retaliation fro cyber attacks? “Oh noes, I can’t access my pr0n! LAUNCH EVERYTHING!”
From teh archives of history (CNN in 1998):
True, but as long as you don’t cook the schwanz in milchig, it’s probably still kosher. (Unless, of course, the schwanz in question doesn’t have a cloven hoof.)
And what’s this about nukes in retaliation fro cyber attacks? “Oh noes, I can’t access my pr0n! LAUNCH EVERYTHING!”
Dude, are you kidding me? Our country would come to a grinding* halt if pr0n were no longer accessible.
*Veiled lapdance reference.
“Once again the age-old wisdom of the Judeo-Christian tradition is vindicated: sex is for marriage, period.”
So, married people don’t have BJs? Or did his wife tell him that?
My understanding is that it is the BJs that cause cancer, not being single.
Guy is stupid, but I guess he’s really REALLY frustrated.
So, married people don’t have BJs?
Duh.
Completely OT, but I just got back in from some yard work.
I will give anybody $10,000 who witnesses anybody on Faux News mentioning the weather-breaking HEAT in NYC today (and tomorrow).
Shows you how much the heat affected me! RECORD-breaking.
This thread quickly became NSFW.
As I was saying, Fischer is a tool. No, wait, tools are useful for something — although sometimes bizarre. Rather, Fischer is the guy at the bar that no one is talking to. He stands at the far end of the bar to see everyone come in but doesn’t make any move to initiate contact with anyone other than the bartender to keep his watered down whiskey watered down. After two hours of watching the baseball game he decides he’s had enough. He goes up to the one woman he had been staring at (noticeably) and she instantly moves away. “I tried,” he says, too loudly, as he leaves to meet his Renew America deadline.
Ten Plagues:
1. Blowjobs
2. Avatar
3. iPads
4. Rule of law
5. Vaccines
6. Pot
7. Electric cars
8. Book learnin’
9. Harry Potter
10. Health Care
*Veiled lapdance reference.
Two, please.
the weather-breaking HEAT in NYC today
Well, that’s because Obama is relaxing the US’s restrictions on the Sun. AKA: another apology.
Yet another prominent Republican donor & leader lives to embody stereotypes of Republican leaders:
Substance, your ten plagues have a liberal bias. Also, “book learnin'” is theft, not a plague.
Let’s be frank here- nothing, not true universal healthcare, not amnesty and a massive increase in Hispanic Voters, nothing would ensure a permanent Democratic Majority more thoughly than the Democratic Party getting credit for the rise in Oral Sex- seriously, I’d pay money if the RNC would run ads claiming this especially if they coupled them with a promise to fight to decrease the frequency of Oral, we’d basically lock up 90% of Women under 60, and 60-70% of all men. I can see the ads now- “Vote GOP: We’ll stomp out Fellatio once and for all.” “:Vote GOP and your partner will never go down on you again!”
Math! You forgot math.
Ten Plagues:
1. Blowjobs
2. Avatar
3. iPads
4. Rule of law
5. Vaccines
6. Pot
7. Electric cars
8. Book learnin’
9. Harry Potter
10. Health Care
11. Math
Funnier that way…
So, married people don’t have BJs?
The joke in my generation was:
How do you stop a woman from giving head?
Marry her.
Sigh. Another day, another chance for libruls to make up episodes of right wingers threatening violence.
It gets so old, them libruls makin’ all this stuff up just ’cause people want to speak they minds.
He goes up to the one woman he had been staring at (noticeably) and she instantly moves away. “I tried,” he says, too loudly, as he leaves to meet his Renew America deadline.
Not creepy enough. He’s the kind who tries chatting a woman up by talking to her chest, and repeats this every time her friends look away for a half a second. Eventually her friends form a shield around her and they leave, but he walks out right behind them and follows them in his car for 30 minutes until they pull into a police station.
“Vote GOP: We’ll stomp out Fellatio once and for all.”
I…I…I am awestruck by the brilliance of this concept.
How do you stop a woman from giving head?
Marry her.
Oh, see, my generation sez: “Do you know why a woman smiles when she’s getting married? Because she knows she’ll never have to give a blowjob again.”
In another, he allegedly said, “I want to (expletive) kill you.”
No no no, you stupid libruls! He said “I want to kill you (expletive)” meaning he wanted to make babies with her, in other words, he loved her!
Why do you hate America so?
El Cid said,
April 6, 2010 at 21:37
Okay, this post is Teh Serious, but I couldn’t help but laugh at ““I will try to stop an abortion using oral words…”
“I am entitled under my religious beliefs to use deadly force if necessary to save the innocent life of another,”
Sure. Rastafarians have to jump thru hoops to smoke pot, but this guy just needs a gun and a lawyer to kill someone for religious purposes.
@Cid
That comment “I want to (expletive) kill you” is out of context. That’s just a conservative’s way of saying “I respectfully disagree with you and would like to present the reasons why with the aide of this Chart.”
We liberals tend to blow things out of proportions. [See how I stayed on topic there?]
“I am entitled under my religious beliefs to use deadly force if necessary to save the innocent life of another,” wrote Erlyndon Joseph “Joey” Lo in the court filing, which called for a temporary restraining order against all abortions and named the Supreme Court as defendants.
Wow.
J. Roby Penn IV
I’m guessing v1.0 – 3.0 didn’t work out as well…
I gotta give the anti-abortion violence threatening guy credit for being decent enough to file his intentions of violence with the courts so that he could be duly arrested.
If only all anti-abortionists were this openly committed in their morality, rather than shooting doctors from a distance.
I am entitled under my religious beliefs to use deadly force if necessary to save the innocent life of another,” wrote Erlyndon Joseph “Joey”
Again, we liberals see that and think “he’s nuts”. But sweet old Joey wouldn’t hurt a fly. Unless that fly was committing some heinous, legally-protected act. If it were, that fly is DEAD.
J. Roby Penn IV
A New Dope
Also, “Erlyndon Joseph ‘Joey’ Lo”? Seriously? Way to be a stereotype of yourself, dude.
By the way, just in case you were wondering who the Penn family were…yup…they pretty much owned Pennsylvania once upon a time.
Doom via BJs is an OK topic for wingnuts … but the link between rimming & halitosis is the elephant in the living-room of which none dare speak, lest the entire on-air staff of FOX NEWS become pariahs of the airwaves forced to seek honest work.
The day TeeVees come with aroma-emitters, their ratings are going to crash-dive like a U-Boat dodging depth-charges.
Yeah, I got nothing.
Way to be a stereotype of yourself, dude.
For
The
Win
Yeah, I got nothing.
It’s OK. You shot your wad last thread and got spnaked for it 😉
heir ratings are going to crash-dive like a U-Boat dodging depth-charges.
jim, jim, jim… you can do better than that! Just think of all the scandals the GOP has been involved in recently! (think Larry Craig)
…ratings are going to crash-dive like Larry Craig in a restroom. Or ratings are going to crash dive like Larry Craig after a long lay* over.
*see what i keep doing here?
I am entitled under my religious beliefs to use deadly force if necessary to save the innocent life of another,” wrote Erlyndon Joseph “Joey” Lo
“And rot in prison for the rest of my life for my illegal actions. But whatevs its for, like, eternal somethingorother, duh!”, added Lo.
Now that we have Obamacare, can we look forward to Free Blowjob Clinics?
can we look forward to Free Blowjob Clinics?
They’re out behind the gay abortion clinics. Here’s the key
He’s just pissed because his name’s Erlyndon. Parents were probably El BJ* fans; when asked for his name, they said, “Er, Lyndon.”
*On topic, bee-chays!
Uh, do people think my earlier comment about Pompeii and Herculaneum was in support of people like Fischer?
No, people have just been running with your ball. So to speak.
That’s what I thought, but was just checking. Maybe I should eat something.
It really wasn’t the grossness of Linda Tripp giving head that bugged me, but thanks for that image anyway.
I forgot to veil the reference….
Really Shorter Mr. Fischer:
I’ve never had a blowjob. I am very bitter about that.
Maybe I should eat something.
We’ve got a selection of tantalizing tacos and sizzling-hot sausages witha tasty meata balls. Sorry about the head cancer.
Only if you marry the wrong one.
And, yes, I am one of the luckiest husbands ever, thankyouverymuch.
We’ve got a selection of tantalizing tacos and sizzling-hot sausages witha tasty meata balls. Sorry about the head cancer.
Oh, that made me laugh.
And, yes, I am one of the luckiest husbands ever, thankyouverymuch.
We know.
And you really should turn off your webcam once in a while.
Abstinence-only America:
115 people die in car accidents every day. Stop driving, period.
14 people die at work every day. Stop working, period.
1800 people die each year from food poisoning. Stop eating, period.
2 million people around the world die prematurely each year from air pollution. Stop breathing, period.
Add your own, it’s fun!
flailingly in a bucket-headed and roller-skated fashion, orienting prevailingly stairsward.
Dude, you’ve been hittin’ the hard stuff. That’s Swanktastic.
1,300,000 Conservatives go to their graves each year without ever having experienced a three-way sensual massage with a couple of oiled-up dirtysomethings while tripping on X. Stop being a conservative, period!
These people are severely damaged in the head.
Must be all the massive cocks ramming into them.
Sounds like someone should have a look at the illustrations on the walls of the brothels at Pompeii and Herculaneum if he thinks oral sex is anything new.
I call B.S., the Romans didn’t even have a word for cunnilingus!
President Bill Clinton, in his sordid affair with Monica Lewinsky, convinced an entire generation that oral sex wasn’t really sex. Now the bill has come, as…
Republicans have been enjoying oral sex ever since!
So, married people don’t have BJs?
So when gay marriage is legalized, they won’t want to RAM THE HOMO AGENDA DOWN OUR THROATS?
The ones with VCRs blinking 12:00 you mean.
What really ticks me off is that these cons rarely if ever practice what they preach.
Practically everyone has sex. These people just want to deprive other people, people who they hate, of the good things in life. Like simulated bondage-themed lesbian sex.
Yeah, yeah, late as usual. Sue me.
the Bible is strangely silent on the critical theological question of “spit or swallow”
Not at all. Genesis tells us in the story of Onan that it’s a sin to spill…seed on the ground. Therefore, swallow or die.
Speaking of swallows, I’m amazed they can fly at all with balls like that.
Speaking of swallows, I’m amazed they can fly at all with balls like that.
Come come now, they carry coconuts for practice.
http://www.armory.com/swallowscenes.html
Sodothem: the blowjobs you aren’t having.
Hey gang, I got a crazy idea. How about we vaccinate against HPV and then everybody can have all the blowjobs they want.
“WOW! Bill Clinton + Naughty Sexy Time + DEATH = Don’t do the nasty til you’re married.”
Right. Like a renowned atheist once said, fundamentalists believe that sex is such a filthy, dirty and unmentionable thing that you should save it only for the one you love.
Someone else also said “Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.”
I have come to the conclusion that these people are not well at all.
Yeah, hell with that. I’ve seen “Check out the pics of this skanky meth ho I hired last night” threads on /b/. Scarring.
/b/tards. The Special Olympics of sportfucking.
Oh, Christ in a condom! Why don’t they get a Bill blow-up doll and blow the damned thing already!
Am I seeing some kind of a trend here?
J. Roby Penn IV
I’m guessing v1.0 – 3.0 didn’t work out as well…
Actually v1.0 was the only one that worked. v2.0 added a snazzy new interface but no new functionality. v3.0 was massive and a resource hog with a fatal memory leak and so v4.0 is shilling for the GOP.
Also, Isaiah is pretty clear about domination, scat and golden showers.
“Check out the pics of this skanky meth ho I hired last night”
I thought DKW’s mom went to rehab?
Speaking of swallows, I’m amazed they can fly at all with balls like that.
you ever hear the joke about the “Oh No Bird”? it had legs one foot long and balls that hung down two feet. Every time it comes in for a landing it cries OH NO!!!!!
The fact is Bill Cliton is the first person to ever get a blowjob, and we can now blame any HPV related disease on him. This is awesome–10 years later and we can STILL blame him for everything!
10 years later and we can STILL blame him for everything!
But Afghanistan, Iraq and the American economy are all Obama’s fault now. Isn’t that convenient?
I remember a medical journal (JAMA? Lancet?) taking a lot of fire for publishing the results of a survey showing that many or even most Americans didn’t consider oral sex to be sex, back around a little while after the Clenis stained a dress.
The context was actually about getting sexual histories of patients, and how you should probably be more specific, asking about oral sex and buttsex and whatnot, and that sometimes a person who says they’re not sexually active is really saying “I just lie there” so if you need that information you have to ask it in an unambiguous way. But anyway they published it and the timing seemed “political”, so there you have it.
Incidentally, a causal link between HPV and head/neck cancers wasn’t really established until 2000 or so, and it’s still pretty uncommon for doctors to perform routine esophagus paps or whatever. Also butts. This is changing, though.
That 2008 study for 1973-2004 was determining that a particular cancer case was HPV-related based on where it was found (base of tongue vs rest of tongue, etc), not based on demonstrated HPV infection. Just sayin’. Doctors weren’t looking for that virus back then.
First off, that kind of deeply weird faux-Christian creepiness is gonig to give me nightmares.
The nuts are still blaming Clinton for everything, after all this time? And do they have to look so happy about suffering?
it’s still pretty uncommon for doctors to perform routine esophagus paps or whatever.
Man, I gag when my doc rams his stick against my molars! You expect me to stand still for a deep swab????
imma try something
★ ★ ★ ★ ★