Silly Rabbi, Tricks Are For Kids
What’s that? No, I’ll finish this glass of stale old Hell first, if you don’t…
Christian Newswire Media Advisory, February 3, 2010
1000 Rabbis Warn: Open Homosexuality in the Military is a Disaster and May Cause Further Natural Disasters
Fine, splendid, freshen it for me, then.
Uh, may cause further what, now?
Rabbi Yehuda Levin, spokesman for the Rabbinical Alliance of America issued the following statement: “When Americans are suffering economically and millions need jobs, it’s shocking that the Administration is focused on its ultra-liberal militantly homosexualist agenda forcing the highlighting of homosexuals and homosexuality on an unwilling military.
At least they aren’t ‘ramming it down the throat’ of the military, like usually.1 No, but Rabbi Levin seems like a man often shocked. More specifically, he seems like the sort of bully who flaps his arms and backs into you and then cries that you pushed him. That’s one of the best kinds, and we’re preparing for an ongoing relationship by assigning him a facile nickname (Rabbi “Yehuda Hellcares” Levi) and sketching out a Photoshop piece in which the female figure in this Marc Chagall painting is bearded and wearing a hat and tallis. Oh yes, and this we say to you, Shletero:2 If their hair needs some highlights, and indeed if they’re being preferentially marked in attention-getting transparent yellow, these militant gays in the military,3 then azoy gay-it es.4 Yes, and furthermore:
…If you know what we’re saying, and we think that you farshtaist.5
This is the equivalent of the spiritual rape of our military to satisfy the most extreme and selfish cadre of President Obama’s kooky coalition.
It’s like the equivalent of raping the troops with the spiritual equivalent of a big hairy moose peen, while his black friends watch.
We agree with Eileen Donnelly of the Center for Military Readiness that this will hurt the cohesiveness of the military, cause many to leave the army, and dramatically lower the number of recruits, perhaps leading to the reinstatement of a compulsory draft.
Because the Center for Military Readiness is certainly not one of those phony wingnut security foundations that sprang up after 9/11.
“Thirteen months before 9/11, on the day New York City passed homosexual domestic partnership regulations, I joined a group of Rabbis at a City Hall prayer service, pleading with G-d not to visit disaster on the city of N.Y.
That worked out great.
So no, basically, those hijacked airliners were like the egg beaters raining from the sky in the Far Side cartoon where the Indian is like, “Whoa, what kind of dance was I doing?” Because it was actually supposed to be a gay partnership G_d-mollifying dance, and instead it brought religious fanatics raining down in passenger aircraft? Like, um, really?
Because speaking just for myself, I personally would think it over before putting something on my rabbinical c.v. like “cockamamie prayers caused terror attacks of 9/11.” Because then the next thing is that everybody keeps looking at you funny every time something blows up nearby — as if nothing in the world ever blew up in a total spontaneous gaysplosion caused by G_d, as things so often do.
Example: June, 1999, when the Stonewall Inn was listed on the National Register of Historic Places, and JFK Jr.’s plane immediately crashed into the ocean off Gay Head, Massachusetts. Another example is the Krakatoa explosion in 1883, caused by something Walt Whitman did.
These are the things they start to blame you for, when all you’re doing is walking around minding your own business and decrying the spiritual something-like-rape of the equivalent of the American soldier, not to mention sailor. Because whoops, there goes G_d again with the blowing-up and the kaboom, when barely over a year earlier you’d asked him not to do that.
We have seen the underground earthquake, tsunami, Katrina, and now Haiti. All this is in sync with a two thousand year old teaching in the Talmud that the practice of homosexuality is a spiritual cause of earthquakes.
“All this is in the sink!” said the 2,000-Year-Old who is still teaching in the Talmud after all these years, and we should all be so lucky. “I keep calling Moe the plumber, and all I hear is that he’s coming. ‘Mr. Shiach is coming any time now,’ they say. Well, I’m still wai…[doorbell rings] holy cats, it’s Menachem Schneerson.”6
Once a disaster is unleashed, innocents are also victims just like in Chernobyl.
This reminds us for some reason: What has ol’ Pastor Swank been up to since the last time we…
J. Grant Swank, Jr., Truth in Conviction
CHRISTIAN VS. VOODOO IN HAITI[…]
Now voodoo priests are up in arms about the contest. But they should realize that there is plenty of need to go around. Why do any persons have the strength or time to whine about others helping others?
If voodoo spokespersons want to spill goats’ blood and see drum their incantations, go to it. But don’t slam Christians who are working night and day to bring relief.
Because hey, that’s what you call a voo-don’t. But since there’s nothing out of the ordinary here, let’s go back to the rabbi.
“We plead with saner heads in Congress and the Pentagon to stop sodomization of our military and our society. Enough is enough.”
No argument here. Most heads are saner than the Rabbi’s even in Congress and the Pentagon, and P.S., have you seen what they’ve done to Sodom lately?
Rabbi Levin will be available to talk to the media in Washington, D.C., on Tuesday, February 2, 2010, in proximity of the Senate Armed Services Committee hearings featuring Defense Secretary Robert Gates.
Proximity just like in Chernobyl. No, seriously: It was an outstanding media availability in which Rabbi Levin really stood out, literally at the threshold of public hearing.
We miss him already and look forward to the next time he comes in the public’s eye, despite the mess and the stinging sensation.
2 Var. ‘Shlomo’ (cf.)
3 Cf. Orwell’s “Politics and the English Language,” and its treatment of ‘dead’ and ‘dying’ metaphors. The infelicity in which a root word modifies itself seems suddenly to be everywhere (like the ancient and unstoppable grocer’s apostrophe and written air quote). An especially good example can be seen on a current billboard for People’s Bank, apparently quoting a Barron’s review which called them “A BANK TO BANK ON.” As though to complete the chain of irony, the phrase also appears in this May, 2007 Business Week item citing Bank of America as “a good defensive stock that has lagged the rally.” Merely gratuitous is the comic association here.
4 Yidd.: Azoy gait es (“that’s how it goes”). (Cf. Ger.: We’re gayin’.)
5 I.e., Mayn prom (shveb-shif) iz ful mit veners. This is by way of saying that one’s aéroglisseur or Luftkissenfahrzeug is full of anguilles or Aale, or in other words that ilmatyynyalukseni on täynnä ankeriaita.
6 The Lubavitchers now have a joke. When in the future they tell it, one can call out, “Number one!” and another can reply, “Feh.”
Not that I’d want to go to the google or anything, but don’t gays openly serve in the Israeli armed forces?
So why not here?
said the Brooklyn rabbi. “But the question is, where’s the kosher beef when it comes to morality?”
hahaha. This rabbi is the prize in the box of cracker jacks.
“Gays in the military” is meaningless. It keeps getting dredged back up because it’s “politically incorrect” to talk about any political issue with real implications, like “will i and my kids have a job” or “will my kids get an education” or “will social security and medicare and pensions still work when my kids grow up?”
You, Gavin, are contributing to the propaganda noise machine. We would forgive you, if you did it for the money. Or the lulz. But you do it because “YOU S’POSTA.” We can’t forgive you for that.
the whole thing is goysche kopf. we’ve got enough tsuris without the frummah yidlach bitching about faygelach already
Nice to see ya, Gavin, you are one meshuggener mo’fo.
“We agree with Eileen Donnelly of the Center for Military Readiness that this will hurt the cohesiveness of the military, cause many to leave the army, and dramatically lower the number of recruits, perhaps leading to the reinstatement of a compulsory draft.”
Maybe the good rabbi could explain to me why the only effective military in the entire Middle-East, the IDF, is also the only military in the region that allows gay people to serve openly.
good to see ya back, Gav….
the picture of the Dead Sea is superb, wish i could take photos like that…..
“…this will hurt the cohesiveness of the military, cause many to leave the army, and dramatically lower the number of recruits,…”
That’s okay, we really don’t want to give that type of person a gun anyway.
(Nice scare quotes there, Santie.)
Here’s the thing: Obama has done quite a few things to really piss off the left-wing. It’s about time he did something to really piss off the right-wing, just for the sake of balance (it’s bipartisanship!)
Anyway, the first necessary step in keeping your laundry list of political fears from coming true is to fix the fucking economy, which has recently been pillaged by the military-industrial complex, looted by Wall Street and left near-dead. And guess what, that means taxes, bitches. The tab run up by the dry-drunk dauphin and his pals has to be paid. If that pisses you off, be pissed at them, not the ones they stuck with the bills.
Otherwise, the ol’ US of A is on it’s way to becoming an Australia with nuclear weapons. Welcome to the 2nd World, America.
I think he should have spelled coalition with a k. You know, lighten the mood and all, ‘specially after all that rape talk.
rabbi levin should chill out. we all know barry o isn’t actually going to change anything. i’m not worried at all….there’s no doubt how this is going to play out. don’t worry rabbi, we’ll get our way.
The Kooky Coalition reminds me a little of The Banana Splits, though I don’t remember them raping anyone.
Wasn’t Rabbi Levin the one in the bar? You know, with the priest?
don’t worry rabbi, we’ll get our way.
You, sir, sound like a fellow analrapist.
“it’s shocking that the Administration is focused on its ultra-liberal militantly homosexualist agenda”
Do we always have to be focused on the uber-conservative militant fundamentalist christians’ agenda, Rabbi Yahooti?
But San Francisco had its great earthquake in 1906, and it was later on that San Francisco became the gay-associated wingnut boogeyman it is today, so maybe the Talmud has it backwards and it’s earthquakes that are the spiritual cause of homosexuality.
Betcha never thought of that, Rabbi Smartypants.
P.S. Gavin, the photos of little Dash are delightful. He has the cutest expressions. I hope you and Mrs. Dr. Marita keep up the flickr photos for us well intentioned intertubes stalkers.
I live by a very simple and time-tested rule. The more they protest teh gay, the gayer they are.
So, all tectonic plates are male, and when they rub against , thrust into or otherwise “get busy with” one another it causes earthquakes?
Or or is he saying only gays can “make the gorund shake” when they are at it?
ilmatyynyalukseni on täynnä ankeriaita.
Why can’t you Finns speak Indo-European like everyone else?
the ol’ US of A is on it’s way to becoming an Australia with nuclear weapons
Nothing wrong with Australia. Well, except for the Australians.
Oi! Oi! Oi!
My hovercraft is full of (lightly-salted rat) dicks?
Btw, Rabbi Levin, and all other Lubavitchers: eat a bag of dicks.
Funny how the Wiki entry on “Chabad” never once mentions their youth camps in Israel where they recruit vulnerable young American students into their cult. There are other hasidic groups, but the Lubavitchers, with their messianic cult mythos, right-wing hypocrisy and misogyny, and coercive attitude towards members/recruits make all the other hassidim look bad. (Yes, I do believe they’re the Scientology of Judaism.)
I though that exact cause of earthquakes was first discovered by a Byzantine Emperor (Justinian? Theodosius?).
So, all tectonic plates are male, and when they rub against , thrust into or otherwise “get busy with” one another it causes earthquakes?
My earthquake brings all the boys to the yard?
Otherwise, the ol’ US of A is on it’s way to becoming an Australia with nuclear weapons. Welcome to the 2nd World, America.
Thats a bit much now, think Auz overtook you guys a while ago on the stuff that really matters.
thought it was Thales (the Greek philosopher, not the Train company) that first figured it out.
“Thirteen months before 9/11, on the day New York City passed homosexual domestic partnership regulations, I joined a group of Rabbis at a City Hall prayer service, pleading with G-d not to visit disaster on the city of N.Y.
So he’s saying that Bin Laden was actually doing god’s bidding? I guess we owe OBL an apology.
Is there not another pattern, that whenever some regilio-asshat prays for some shit not to happen to New York, it does?
I mean, you never hear them say, “Dear God, please, not Burlington?” Or Sioux Falls? Maybe God doesn’t consider visiting disaster on places they never talk about. Just saying.
Otherwise, the ol’ US of A is on it’s way to becoming an Australia with nuclear weapons. Welcome to the 2nd World, America.
Hey, Joe? Get ooterly fooked. Really.
The rabbi is right. The spiritually raped and incohesive Israeli military has allowed homosexuals to openly serve, without exception to type of unit, since 1993. And we’ve seen how weak and pitiful their military has been ever since? In fact, if it weren’t for gays in the military George W. wouldn’t have had to invade Iraq at all. The pre-gay Israeli armed forces would have been able to do it all by themselves, and Egypt would now be a creationist theme park run by Ben Stein. or something.
OMG! The Rabbi is wandering around the page!
the Krakatoa explosion in 1883, caused by something Walt Whitman did.
Stroked the island’s central mountain? Cruised the Brooklyn docks? Wrote unbearable poetry? Don’t leave us hanging like this!
This is by way of saying that one’s aéroglisseur or Luftkissenfahrzeug is full of anguilles or Aale, or in other words that ilmatyynyalukseni on täynnä ankeriaita.
I miss gavin.
Australia with nuclear weapons? Oi.
Allegedly true story about person at customs desk in Australia:
– Do you have any fruit?
– No
– Seeds?
– No
– Firearms?
– No
– Infectious diseases?
– No
– Any criminal convictions?
– What? You still need one?
and schticks are for rabbis.
I laugh heartily every time I see this: G_d. WTeffingF?
Wait, the Center for Military Readiness opposes conscription?
underground earthquake
Well, at least the homo-ness doesn’t cause the up-in-the-air earthquakes, which are, like, the worst.
I think the name has you confused. The Center for Military readiness, is like the American Cancer Society, it is dedicated to stamping out military readiness wherever it is found.
Rabbi Yehuda Levin
No.
Has Levin Huda me?
And here’s another type of quake, which is, indeed, pretty gay, also.
Thirteen months before 9/11, on the day New York City passed homosexual domestic partnership regulations, I joined a group of Rabbis at a City Hall prayer service, pleading with G-d not to visit disaster on the city of N.Y.
Does Pat Robertson know the Jews were behind the September 11 attacks or is he lumping them in with the lesbian witches?
reminds me a little of The Banana Splits, though I don’t remember them raping anyone.
That’s not the way I remember it.
BTW, is this the first ‘draft’ scare in relation to gays in the military? Allowing more Americans to serve will require drafting more Americans to serve?
Nothing to say here, really, I quote that because it is the most awesomest epic EVAH and I just want to see it again.
Have we established how gay European Jews were before, say, 1940? Cuz that must have been a heaping big pile of gay right there.
Alfred Kinsey who brought homosexuality and other deviations mainstream
Ummmmmmmmm…if they’re mainstream, then they’re not deviations anymore…
Enough is enough.
…is enough is enough!
What did NYC do in January 1992 that irked G to the O to the motherfckin D?
This?
The President’s host, Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa, cradled his head for some minutes until Mr. Bush was strong enough to get up on his own.
1,000 rabbis are no match for 30 Helens.
My one experience with them was as I was walking to the subway in Manhattan. Up pulls a huge RV (looked like those mobile blood banks) and out pours — like it was a commando operation — about 20 Lubavitchers, mostly in the 12 to 18 age range with only 3 or 4 accompanying adults. And they just start singing and dancing. It was so bizarre. (I did some googling on this and it appears they’ve been doing this since the ’70s — cruising the streets of NYC looking for wayward Jews.)
if they’re mainstream, then they’re not deviations anymore…
Depends on who you ask. Remember we’re dealing with the same sort of mind that came up with the term “Moral Majority” for a small rabble of pinch-faced old Puritans.
Froley–
In L.A. too. They call the vehicle (because it sounds like a cool military operation instead of a meshugga religious-cultic spasm of acting out) “The Mitzvah Tank.”
You’re walking down the street and they charge up to you and demand to know, “ARE YOU JEWISH?” and, if you say yes, they invite you into the tank to pray. Or to pray then and there on the street.
So, see, Swank? Jews can be just as insane as the kraziest Kristian.
cruising the streets of NYC looking for wayward Jews
They’re not above cruising for the occasional goy man.
That last link is some fascinating-ass shit:
We’re going to be resurrected from the whut-whut, now? Sorry, 1000 rabbis, I think I’ll stick to advice from thirty Helens.
Luz made me lolz.
This is the equivalent of the spiritual rape
I’m having a hard time figuring out how one could rape a spirit, much less what a spirit-rape equivalent could be. The good Rebbe has obviously put a great deal of long, hard thought into this, perhaps he could explain?
Oh, so THAT is what a “militant homosexual” is. One who wants to join the army. I’d always wondered what that meant.
Okay, how about some bipartisanship, democratic compromise style? Let the marines out of the closet, let the navy be gay on the job, but insist they go straight when they are on leave, and insist the airforce stay straight, but introduce the rule that “if its in topgun, it doesn’t count as gay”
Uh, you got something funky going on with orthography up there or something? I don’t even read Yiddish very well (as Grumpy from Tel Aviv says, daber Ivrit kmoh yehudim be’emet!), but I know damn well languages written in Hebrew letters read right-to-left. /pedantry
This is, of course, a boon to left-handed people everywhere, who can suddenly use a calligraphy set without smearing the ink. 🙂
ultra-liberal militantly homosexualist
What will they think of next….
Sockpuppet #47: your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter, especially if it has fiction in it.
“Hassidim, but I don’t believe ‘im.”
With thanks to The Sopranos.
@Ron Mael’s Moustache
No h/t to Bart Simpon??
@Esteev
You meant Homer Simpson, you dolt.
@actor212
They’re not above cruising for the occasional goy man.
+100 for making me wet my pants
Has anybody pointed out yet that the rabbi worships a terrorist?
(where terrorism is defined as the use of violence or threat of violence to enact or prevent political, religious or social change through intimidation or coercion)
I love all this talk about the morality of an institution dedicated first and foremost to the threat of lethal force.
I think the punchline is supposed to be “Silly Rabbi, kicks are for trids!”
Gavin, you’re too smart for me, and I love it.
Also, why haven’t we started talking about foreskins yet? This is a thread about Jewishness, right? Doesn’t that naturally lead to PENIS!?!
What’s all this I hear about goys in the military?
I don’t think the military should discriminate based on religion, it should be open to all. Besides, I don’t think there are enough Jews to fill all the roles in the military. Why I —
What’s that?
Oh, nevermind.
I enjoyed this!
They’re not above cruising for the occasional goy man.
+100 for making me wet my pants
I do a mean cover of Sam and Dave’s “Soul Man” with Goy Man lyrics…
Funny- I’d like to ask the Rabbi what he thinks of the Israeli Army- what with their acceptance of Homosexuality and all.
here are other hasidic groups, but the Lubavitchers, with their messianic cult mythos, right-wing hypocrisy and misogyny, and coercive attitude towards members/recruits make all the other hassidim look bad. (Yes, I do believe they’re the Scientology of Judaism.)
The Talmudiban
Conservatives are stupid.
So what kind of prayer was that anyway? “Dear G_d, please, it would be a shame if something was to happen to New York. Like an earthquake or a terrorist attack, you know, something bad, farshtaist?”. But I can relate. I mean, who hasn’t prayed for s_mething only to have the opp_site happen, m_re than a year later? But has he c_nsidered that it might have been something else that caused G_d to send Islamist hijackers to destroy the WTC? Because in June of 2001 there was a bill submitted to legalize ferrets, which are detested in the sight of the lord, and then three months later, wham!
I think the Scientology of Judaism is those Kaballah guys who’ll sell you a red string for thirty bucks. The Lubavitchers are basically the the Jewish version of the Campus Crusade for Christ.
Conservatives are stupid.
It’s true. Where you find stupid, you’ll also find conservatives.
@Lesley: “Is there any form of stupid, especially in matters of homosexuality, in which at least one conservative did not take part?”
That post was a little inside Judaism, don’t you think?
Prof.